4000 BC: Five great civilizations are born on Pangaea. They are Poland, India, the Shoshone, Sweden and India, ruled by King Lewis, Doge Sips, Chief Sjin, Kung Rythian den Förste (King Rythian I) and the Mighty Warlord Duncan David Andy Gandhi Jones, respectively.
3880 BC: Venetian Doge Sips proclaims Venice to be the trading capital of elephant ivory in the world and invites world leaders to Venice to watch the first of the immensely popular elephant racing shows.
3800 BC: A group of Indian spearmen are met by a Swedish warrior group. The Swedes attack the Indians, leading to the first war and sparking an enormous chain reaction that will affect future relationships to come.
2000 BC: Barbarians pillage and burn the camps housing the Venetian elephants. Sporadic pillaging over the next few centuries results in the elephant racing shows unpredictably occurring.
680 BC: Sweden founds the city of Lund over a disputed territory with India. The result nearly leads to war as the Indian army of war elephants amasses on the city's borders.
480 BC: The Shoshone religion of Sjinto is founded. It immediately begins spreading to the four corners of the world, resulting in a decades long war with Venice and ending with its spread to many nations across the world.
1 AD: Sjesus is born. The world leaders celebrate with a bout of "Happy Birthday".
200 AD: The Lund border dispute between India and Sweden boils into open war. The Battle for Lund begins.
410 AD: Lund falls to India. Rythian I tries to force a cessation of hostilities with India, but fails.
530 AD: The Indian war machine marches onto Malmö.
590 AD: The Venetian people finally discover the wheel.
680 AD: Attempts to spread Sjinto to Venice are curbed when the Venetian military takes Shoshone missionaries hostage.
700 AD: Venice sends Niccòlo Polo to Kathmandu, and the city-state is forced into Venice's realm.
860 AD: Poland founds Sausage Worship.
920 AD: The religion Piratese is founded by Venice.
940 AD: Sweden founds the religion Rythianity. India finally calls off the invasion of Malmö. However the war is not finished.
960 AD: Lund is renamed Sack of Balls by India.
980 AD: The Indo-Swedish War finally ends when the Mighty Warlord Duncan sues for peace.
1020 AD: Isaac Newton is born, out of the same holy butthole from which Sjesus emerged.
1220 AD: The city-state of Geneva joins the emerging Venetian Empire as well.
1500 AD: By now, the Venetian Empire encompasses many city-states such as Vancouver, Ragusa and Zanzibar. Only Ur, under the rule of King Um and Queen Hm, resists Venetian attempts to corral the city-state into the empire.
1800s AD: Venice's neutrality in world affairs and popularity amongst world leaders leads to it being voted as host of the World Congress. Doge Sips benevolently renames the Congress as the "Crapmaster 3000 Super Council" and immediately submits a resolution for Piratese to become the world religion, promising "free eyepatches if you subscribe." The announcement is poorly received by Threegemsheepy and Delicije, with Chief Sjin going so far as to reply, "Oh hell no!"
1840 AD: Swedish military activities near Kiev, an ally of Poland, lead to Poland declaring war on Sweden. India declares support for Sweden. The Great War begins.
1860 AD: An attempted amphibious landing by Swedish and Indian infantry west of Lodz of Sausage fails spectacularly when new Polish artillery and the winged hussars annihilate the main force.
1880 AD: The Polish Red Army develops the first tank. It demonstrates its reliability and power in battle against Indian musketmen and Swedish Caroleans.
1895 AD: Venice places the city-state of Vancouver under its control. Chief Sjin of the Shoshone declares war on Venice in order to acquire the city for himself. The new Venetian acquisition falls in short order.
1896 AD: India, facing invasion from Poland, declares war on the Shoshone. In response, Chief Sjin sends a massive army of prophets to India.
1899 AD: Despite the ongoing wars, diplomats from all five world powers convene in the third session of the Crapmaster 3000 Super Council. The session is one of the most productive and heated, with Piratese narrowly being voted as world religion. However, so is an embargo against Venice. Although this only causes minor disruptions in the Venetian economy, India's prior reliance on trade with Venice leads to the economy completely crashing down and failing. The Great Indian Depression begins.
1902 AD: The Indian capital of City of Dongs falls to a massive Polish armored landing force, and is annexed into the Polish Union. Immediately thereafter, Doge Sips seizes the opportunity of the resultant schism to convert the newly Sausage-loving people of the city to Piratese.
1908 AD: Vajayna is captured by Poland.
1910 AD: Poland completes the Manhattan Project, enabling it to create atomic and nuclear weapons.
1914 AD: Now on its last legs, the Indian Empire invades Sweden, its armies mercilessly and relentlessly pillaging and burning everything in its path while slaughtering civilians. Songs (permitted by the Mighty Warlord Gandhi himself) are sung about the event, while King-Emperor Lewis III the Great of Poland notes that "burning stuff is really satisfying."
1926 AD: The Red Rebellion in the Shoshone Empire begins. King-Emperor Lewis III declares war on the Shoshone and launches a blitzkrieg invasion of the once mighty nation with tanks and paratroopers. Baba Helpme falls in short order.
1928 AD: The Great War spreads to Venice when Poland declares war on Venice.
1930 AD: Veteran Venetian spymaster and tech sponge Giovanni is killed by Poland. He is given a hero's burial in Lel Shitkids, with Doge Sips appearing personally to deliver a short eulogy of "Giovanni, Giovanni, you're dead. Sorry dude."
1932 AD: India is chosen as the new host of the Crapmaster 3000 Super Council, now renamed and reorganized as the United Nations. The passage of leadership of the Council to the Mighty Warlord Duncan prompts an angry response and tirade from Rythian I of Sweden, who calls Chief Sjin "the worst type of toadie on the planet."
1934 AD: Malmö falls to the Polish Red Army.
1942 AD: To preserve his dignity, Doge Sips declares war on the Shoshone and marches to recapture Vancouver in the name of Venice.
1944 AD: The City of Flowers secedes from the Indian Empire. It then joins the Venetian Empire and is immediately annexed.
1946 AD: Vancouver is reannexed by Venice.
1948 AD: The new Swedish capital of New Malmö is hit by a Polish nuclear weapon. 16 million Swedish people, including King Rythian I and most of the senior leadership, are killed. All the other world leaders have a good laugh over the misfortune of the city.
1952 AD: The Battle of Lel Shitkids begins.
1956 AD: An Indian galleass attempts to support Venice in its last stand against Poland by joining the Battle of Lel Shitkids. It is destroyed as soon as it enters the firing line of a Polish destroyer. The skirmish is immortalized by the words of the Polish vessel's captain: "Arm the port missiles, there's a wooden ship off the starboard bow."
1958 AD: The Battle of Lel Shitkids ends. The Global Union of Poland is established, with King Lewis III declaring victory over the world. In his victory speech, he famously declares, "We did it, mum!"