Hi everyone. This is my first fic in a while, so I hope you enjoy it. I know it says comedy AND romance. Well the romance/smut is coming. And as for the comedy... Well, that's what reviews are for I guess. Also, this is a sequel to one of my old fics "Giving Ground". So read that as well, especially if you like this one.
Enjoy!

ps: Yeah, this is based on the events of Lightning Returns, which I haven't actually finished yet. So some things may not be accurate in the canon, blahdeblah. Honestly, if FangXLight was a real thing in FFXIII Squeenix would have sold SOOOOO many more copies.

I had 13 days to save as many people as I could; believe it or not, I saved everyone in 12.

All the intractable NPC's anyway.

I don't care about all the rest of them. They never say a word, or they just squawk the same shit over and over at me. It gets annoying.

True dat.

Anyway, what does one do with one day left?

Fuck like little, biddy bunny wabbits.

Exactly. Thus began my trek to the Dead Dunes to find Fang again. Last time we caught up I was all, you know, deprived of human emotion, and she was all, lets save my oldest friend from killing herself by being a conduit for millions of screaming souls.

Not a good time for sexy times.

Yeah, well, now with my emotions back, anytime is a good time for sexy times.

Yeah, how'd that happen?

Dunno. Anyway, now that I have my emotions back, and Vanille isn't dead, or in imminent danger of being so, I figured a soiree with Fang is the only way to spend my last 24 hours. Even with Hope watching.

Ohohohoho! I didn't think of that. So much masturbation.

No kidding, the Ark is gonna be like a spiders nest by the time he's done.

As in, with all the sticky white stuff on the walls?

Yea.. Yes. I, you don't need to explain my own joke to me. Anyway, we should get moving.

This place is as sandy as I remember it.

That's no joke. The Dead Dunes are nothing but sand, buildings waiting to be turned into sand by the onward march of time, and lots of drunken bandits. The monsters, thankfully, steered clear Ruffian, where the previously mentioned drunken bandits made home. And, of course, the desert sun, even at 6 in the morning, was hot enough to dull my libido.

No it isn't.
Yeah, well, no. But if something could, it would be this sun.

What about Snow's big hairy dick in your face?

Yep, that'd also do it.

What about Snow and Hope fucking while watching a recording of you and Fang?

Again. Plenty to stop my sexy times.

What about Chocolina joining in?

What, with Snow and Hope?

No, with you and Fang.

That'd be alright.

What the fuck? She is a chocobo lady! She has wings and everything!

They are wing-arms, and her tits are huge. So…

Still counts as bestiality.

No it doesn't.

Yeah it does.

Nope.

Yup.

ENOUGH. I would happily welcome Chocolina into our little party, but she's probably catching up with Sazh.

I'm gonna tell Fang that you were happy to engage in bestiality.

It's not and you can't. You don't get to use my mouth.

I can tell her with my eyes. Every time she looks into your eyes, she'll see a foxy chicken lady staring back at her.

You done?

Fucking was the only thing, the only thing I was good at. But, at least I always fucked for what I believed in.

I'm done.

Sweet. Now where is Fang?

Don't ask me, apparently, I'm not allowed to use our eyes.

I rolled my eyes.

Did you just roll your eyes at me!?

Well you definitely didn't.

I'm giving you a death stare, in case you couldn't tell.

I couldn't.

…

Now back to Fang. I should ask around.

"Hey, you. Where is the boss?"

"Wha?*hic*"

"The boss. Fang. Where is she right now."

"*Hic*I think she is *hic* in her office. *hic*"

"Thanks. Hey, lay-off the drink will ya? I don't want you dying from alcohol poisoning before the end of days."

No response. Well, he's a charmer.

…

Hey come on. You love making fun of NPC's.

Oh, were you talking to someone? I couldn't tell. I can't use OUR ears or OUR eyes.

Oh fuck! You can alright! Just give it a rest. I don't want you being a sourpuss when we finally see Fang again. It'll bring the whole mood down.

Sorry. I'll try to be a better deaf, blind, and mute voice in your head.

Motherfucker, I will put my head in a bucket of cold water!

Our head.

FU…

Kidding!

Damn straight.

To the right, and down the hall at the end of the entrance hall right?

Yeah.

…

Walk. Why aren't you walking? Do you know how to walk?

Shut up. I'm getting myself in the mood.

I thought we were already in the mood. That's why you got here so fast. And that's why your fun place is already throbbing and wet.

I was hoping that this would be a romantic reunion. So, you know. I don't want to dive in there tongue first you know? I want to be able to say something smooth and romantic.

Our other friend down there says different.

She never stops saying that. Just be quiet all right? Give me a minute to think.

…

…

I start the long walk to Fangs "office". Down the stone halls, past the drunkards partaking in every carnal pleasure under Bhunivelze's good sun; and several that should only be allowed in moonlight.

I honestly didn't know you could do that with that.

Yeah, if you get enough of it you can.

Evidently….

With every step, my heart starts racing faster, the carefully planned words seemed to flicker and slip around in my head, til I wasn't sure what words even were anymore. Finally, I arrived at her door. Her big, wooden door. The big, hard, wooden door.

Ummm…I thought we had sorted out the whole, which horse do I bet on thing? Which parade I dress up for? Whether we follow Blitzball or Netball?

I was being descriptive.

Whether we like the honey or the stick?

Hehe.

You liked that one?

Yeah.

Welp, I've broken the ice for you, now do the thing.

Alright. I open the door (I know how to knock I just don't feel like it) and I see Fang. As radiant and sexy as ever.

"It took you long enough."

Hi again everyone, thanks for reading. Reviews are always welcome. And also, I put some Frozen, and MGS1 references in there for giggles. Any fans should get them right away. Holla if you do :D