Author's Note: I've come up with songs that work as a soundtrack for this story. This chapter's songs are Slipped Away and When You're Gone, by Avril Lavigne.
Chapter One
I can still remember the day you left. The day you broke my world. You thought it would be best to leave me here alone. Yeah, I have my family, but why can't I have you? Things have been so different. I started college a while ago, and I met someone. But I can't stop thinking about that day.
Before I continue to write, I look off into space as I remember one of the worst days of my life.
"Why are you leaving me?" I yell at him.
"I have business in Texas; another Alpha needs my help," hetells me.
"Take me with you!"
"I can't. I don't want you to get hurt again because of me."
"You think you can decide that? You think you can decide when I can be with you? That you can keep me here?" I am furious.
"I don't want to be with you anymore, Nessie. I'm sorry," hesays as hewalks away from me.
"How can you say that to me, Jacob Black? How?"
"Because it's the truth."
I snap out of my reminiscing to finish writing my entry.
I loved you and you walked away. You slipped away and I needed you! How could everything just fall apart?
I'm close to graduating soon, and I met someone a year ago. You left three years, seven months, and ten days ago. I could tell you the hours, minutes and seconds, but it wouldn't matter. You aren't coming back.
I'm sitting here waiting for my boyfriend to come back from his class. Thanks to you leaving, I needed comfort. Everyone pretty much ignored me, but this one guy came up to me and started talking to me. Since then, we've become somewhat close. I'll never be as close to him as I was to you. There's no way in hell I can do that. You're my mate, and for some bizarre reason either your imprint broke, which I doubt, or you are hiding from something or someone.
I'm writing my thoughts down so that when I see you again, I can throw this damn book in your face for you to read. I want you to see how you've made me suffer! He's coming through the door, so I better hide this away again.
~Renesmee~
College has been interesting. I found someone that I believe I could love. His name is Daniel. Daniel and I have been together for a year. I am part human and part vampire, which no one really understands. My mom was human and my dad is a vampire. I was born 10 years ago, but I look 17. I took all of my courses online and easily graduated high school, and I'm just now finishing my first attempt of college. I didn't go to traditional high school because it would have seemed too suspicious how fast I was growing. However, college is a different story, and I am free to go the traditional route now, since my growth has leveled out. My mom never had the chance to go to college as a human.
She'll be doing it soon, though, but not too soon because after I graduate next week, I'll be going back to high school with Mom, Dad, Uncle Em, Uncle Jazz, Aunt Alice, and Aunt Rose. We'll be acting as if Gram and Gramps are our parents. It's easier than trying to explain to everyone that Bella's my mom, especially when I look her age. I can't wait! It's going to be so much fun!
I meant what I wrote to Jacob. Daniel isn't what I want. I want Jacob, but he left me. He gave me a stupid excuse about some job in Texas. I needed companionship; I needed someone to care about me.
"Hey, Ren, how was class?" Everyone calls me Ren or Renee because I don't want anyone calling me what Jacob used to call me.
"I'm okay. It was all right, I guess. I had Biology and English, so I didn't really pay attention." He nods as he walks over and gives me a kiss. "How was your day, Danny?"
He throws his backpack onto the recliner and sits down on the couch next to me. "It was all right. Are you okay, Babe?"
I shake my head. "No, I miss my mom."
He kisses me again and says, "Babe, when was the last time you ate?"
I turn toward him and say, "Breakfast." I really need to hunt soon, though. I've been eating human food, but I could really use a mountain lion! Daniel gets up and walks into the kitchen, so follow him, and I watch him as he takes out hamburgers from the fridge.
"What happened to us going out tonight? We were going to go to the club, have a night out," I say to him with a frown.
"Don't get started with me! I don't feel like going out, so we're not going out! Do you understand me?" he shouts at me. I flinch and glare at him.
"What the fuck? Don't you dare start yelling at me! It was a simple question, Daniel," I say, taken aback. If Auntie Rose were here, she would have kicked his ass for that!
I walk back to the living room and sit back down on the couch. After about ten minutes, he walks into the living room carrying two plates, one for me and one for himself. "Baby, I'm sorry I yelled at you. It's been a hell of a day."
"Then why did you tell me that it was all right?" I ask in a whisper.
"I didn't want you to worry. Now, please eat," he says handing me my plate and sitting down next to me.
He overcooked my burger, but I can't tell him that because he doesn't know about my normal eating habits. I prefer my meat raw, but if he knew that he'd freak out because he's only human. I haven't used my gifts on him because I can't be found out.
When we've finished eating, I go into the bedroom and lie down. He scoots onto the bed so that he can lie behind me, spooning me. He starts kissing my neck, and I shiver. Being with Danny sexually was hard at first, but the more I've been with him, the easier it has become. I'm not happy that it has to be a human, but the only supernatural being I want to be with is Jacob. Hell, the only person I want to be with, period, is Jacob. I turn around so that I can kiss him, though.
We start slowly and passionately, but then the kiss becomes needy and hungry. When it comes to this man, the only thing I can do is make him think I want him. If I don't have someone, I'll just retreat into myself again. I can't do that. He rolls us over so that he is on top. "God, Ren," he says, gasping for air, "I need you, babe."
I can tell how much he needs me by how hard he is against my skirt-clad thigh. "Yes, Danny, please. Please? I want you so bad." He kisses me faster and harder. I start to reach for the hem of his shirt, and he lifts his arms almost immediately so I can quickly take it off of him. He grabs the bottom of my tank top and lifts it above my head.
"God, you're beautiful," he says as he looks at my body.
"So are you," I say as I run my hand from his chest down to his lower abdomen, and he moans as I unzip his pants and wrap my hand around his cock. I start pumping, and he sits back on his heels and rocks his hips against my hands. "Renee, oh God, Renee!" he screams when I grab his balls and massage them with one hand while still pumping with the other. He's breathing hard, and I push him to lie back down.
He does as he's told, and I kiss him while I continue to pump him. I kiss his lips, down his neck, over his chest, and then slowly make my way to his groin, slipping him into my mouth. "Ah! Renee, baby, God you feel so good... Look at me, baby."
I look up at him as I start to suck harder. He grabs the back of my head and rocks his hips, trying to keep up with me. Then I feel him stiffen before he releases himself inside my mouth. "Oh, God, Renee!" I keep sucking him until he relaxes, and then I sit up and wipe my mouth on my arm with a smile. "God, babe...that was...wow..."
"Yes, it was," I say, climbing on top of him. Yeah, it was wow. I can't believe I'm still doing this. I feel horrible being with this man. I feel like I'm cheating on Jacob. Fuck it. He left me; I should at least be able to get fucked once in a while! "I got you off, now you need to fuck me until you can't stop. I want you to fuck me hard..." I whisper into his ear.
"Jesus, baby," he says, rolling us so that he's above me again. I can't believe I'm with someone other than Jacob. I can't just lay here with him, so I start to kiss him and he pulls our bodies closer together. He kisses me along my jaw line, down my throat, and then stops when he gets to my breasts. I don't want to be close to Daniel. I just want to feel again. He continues kissing my chest until he swirls his tongue around my right nipple, making me arch my back so that I can feel more of his mouth on me. Think of Jacob...don't think about anything but Jacob. This should be Jacob with me! In my mental wanderings, Daniel has managed to get hard again.
He kisses me desperately and strips off my thong before lining himself up with me. With no warning, he plunges into me. As we collide, we both moan because of the welcome friction. Daniel is gifted in his size, but he is nothing like Jacob. God, I miss him... He moves at a steady pace, pulling out and stopping before pushing into me again.
He keeps going like that until I can't take it anymore. "Danny, please! Stop teasing me!" He takes that as a challenge and smirks at me.
"You want me hard and fast, babe?"
I nod furiously. "Yes, God, yes!" He picks up his speed and finally hits me in the right spot. "Yes, yes, oh God! Danny! I'm...ah...so...uh uh... close!"
He pounds into me and whispers, "Come for me, baby! God, please come for me!" He thrusts a few more times, and I scream his name as I come. He thrusts into me a few more times faster than he had earlier before he releases inside me. He rests his head on my chest as we try to catch our breath. "God, Ren...that was fucking amazing." I nod and run my hands through his brown hair, which is drenched with sweat. I let him lie still inside me, since his weight doesn't really bother me, before sliding out of me and pulling me close so that we're lying there, holding each other. I hate this. I start crying as I look at this man who says he loves me because I can't return the sentiment. I'm still Jacob's girl. I'll always be Jacob's girl.
We fall asleep, and I am the first to wake up mere hours later. I lie in bed for a while, watching him sleep, before I reach into my nightstand for my journal. I flip on my iPod and begin to write.
It's just another day lying next to Daniel.He still hasn't woken up. I don't think I'll ever get over what you did to me. We were so close to each other, and then this damn job pops up and you can't be with me anymore! I still don't understand it! You're supposed to want to be with me. You couldn't stay away from me when I was younger, so why would my being eight make any fucking difference? Why? I can't believe you! I haven't heard anything from you! I don't even know if you're okay! Daniel's stirring… I have to go.
~Renesmee~
"Hey, darling," Daniel says drowsily.
"Hey, Danny," I reply with a smile. "I'm going to go take a shower."
I try to get up, but he stops me. "Not yet, you aren't. You have to fuck me first."
What the hell? He's never been like this! A few temper tantrums here and there, but this is different. His stance is different; he's more rigid, and he looks like he's ready to pounce. I'm not going to let him do anything.
"No, I'm going to take a shower!" I say firmly, pulling away and walking toward the bathroom.
He gets up and pushes me to the floor. How did he get me on the floor? I was in complete control of my balance, but he still managed to get me on the floor. He's only human, damn it!
"I said you are going to fuck me first!"
"No, I'm not!" I say, trying to get up, but then he pushes me down and gets behind me. He lies on top of me, holding my arms and legs down, and then forces himself into me. I scream.
"Danny, no, please! Danny, no!" This can't be happening! Not Danny! Why?
"Shut up, bitch!"
I start crying because I'm so afraid. I might be a vampire, but I'm only half, and Danny is not a weakling. He would always be kind to me, even after yelling at me. He'd come up to me and hug me and apologize. This is so different... I don't like it.
"God, you feel good," he says as he pounds into me harder and harder.
"Please stop! Danny, stop!"
He doesn't listen to me. He moves to pull out so that he can push in harder, but I move just before he can push into me again. The shock finally fades away, and I can't handle the way he's being physical anymore. I run into the bathroom, where I keep my cell phone.
The first thing that I do is call my dad.