There was nothing atypical about John staring at his laptop monitor. Unfortunately, there was also nothing atypical about the pout on his face.

"Oh, what now?" asks his exasperated uncle. Derek could not believe his nephew was this pathetic. Sarah was so wonderfully authoritative -- in every room of the house – it had to be Kyle's genes. His little brother had always been a wuss. 'No matter how hungry we are, we can't eat people, Derek, even if they're dead.' Not even with gravy?

"It's these fan fictions! I thought the season 2 episodes would chill people on JohnCameron but they're getting worse! Why can't anyone pair me with Riley? Sure, she's completely nuts and a traitor working for someone who's also completely nuts but have you seen the size of her breasts?"

Derek was going to shock John with another completely fabricated story about how brave his wuss father was but decided to let him slide this time, as the breasts comment was actually normal.

Cameron strolls into the room, "I believe you have independent measurements of their size."

John turns sharply to her, looking even more mentally impaired than usual, "You, you almost sound . . . jealous," he breathes.

Cameron smacks him on the head, "I am a machine, I cannot be jealous." Cameron then seems to be jolted, as if something was occurring internally that her processors cannot manage. "And yet, I feel . . ."

"You're having emotions, real emotions? You're becoming human? You could love me like a real girl?" John is ecstatic.

"No." Cameron smacks him again, expressionlessly. "The great John Connor. How many times you gonna fall for that?"

The sound of physical abuse brings Sarah rushing into the room. Her eyes narrow dramatically. "Is someone being cruel to John without my permission? Did you use the magic words?"

Cameron objects, "That phrase is redundant at this point."

"Do it, or no more WD40 for your hair."

"Very well. It's for your own good, John," Cameron says tonelessly as she smacks him again.

"That's better. We must all be cruel to John at every opportunity, as it's for his own good."

"That's it!" Derek shouts. He kisses Sarah passionately. At first, she responds enthusiastically but then she pulls away,

"We can't, Derek, it's almost like incest."

Derek is taken aback, then seems to have an idea, "After Judgment Day, incest is OK?"

"Oh, in that case . . .

Sarah and Derek are starting to remove clothing when Cameron stops them, "It's for John's own good." Sarah says reflexively.

Cameron looks annoyed, "While my calculations indicate low odds, Derek, you seemed to have an idea."

"Oh, right. We can kill two grays with one grenade. We threaten to pound on John – for his own good – unless these ridiculous Cameron pairing fics stop. Either way, we win."

"ALL the Cameron pairings?" Sarah is alarmed.

Derek looks at her, then at Cameron, who winks at him. "Oh, uh, yes, unless all the Cameron pairings that have her acting like a machine for all of 10 lines, then switching to being an angsty teenage girl for the rest of the story, unless those and only those stop, John gets it. Just those, not the ones where she's, say, an extremely advanced sexual aid, say."

The trio loom over John, who is staring a picture of William Shatner while blowing his nose. Derek is holding the severed terminator arm that he sleeps with, Sarah a wooden board with three screws – I mean, three "dots" – drilled into it, while Cameron sports a fake T1000 stabbing hand she likes to scare the Connors with. The terrific team turn as one to the reader and say in perfect harmony,

"Stop the Jameron fics and nobody gets hurt."