Just a Childhood Hating Parody presents:

The Three Little Pigs.

Once upon a time; why does every fairy story start with 'Once upon a time'? Does it mean that this takes place in the past? Why not the present? Is there anything wrong with the present? Are people just too much about nostalgia to focus on the present?

Sure I enjoy nostalgia, but there is always a limit. I'm talking to you Nintendo! Well you do that nostalgia stuff with your newer games, but not with your virtual consoles. You have a small selection of N64 games. I know you can't have Banjo Kazooie, Conker's Bad Fur Day, or Jet Force Genimi (Damn it Microsoft); but there are plenty of others. You still own Donkey Kong 64.

Also why did you only add Mario Party 2 from the series? There's nothing wrong with the game, but where are the rest? Heck, where's the FIRST? Seriously, you started with the second, but not the first?!

Boy did I get sidetracked. Now let's get down to what you all came here for. Where's the other N64 titles!? I want to see other games on there like Tony Hawk Pro Skater, 007 (No wait, Rare made that too), The army guy game, Hey You Pikachu. O.K., that game was complicated! He'd never listen to a damn word. "Pikachu come here." He just sits there. "Pikachu, swing!" He goes off somewhere else. "Pikachu, thunderbolt!" He shook his head no like an ungrateful ass****.

What the hell was I doing? Oh yeah, the pigs!

So I like to order bacon with a side of fries and …. It's Friday. I'm going to Hell anyways so ….. what story? Oh crap!

Once upon the present, there were these three little pigs. The first one was a small and stupid brat. He thought hay would get him laid. The second one was a slightly smarter pig. He's into sticks, too much into it if you asked me. The final pig is the actual smart pig that knows enough to use something useful to build with.

One day, I mean right now, they have gather with their mother. Oh great, it's a 300 lb. hooker. "Oink!" she said. The pigs were heartbroken by her word. They left the next day and started building their houses on the land they just got.

The first pig built his house out of hay. Yeah that's a perfect material for building, something weak, flammable, and eatable for farm animals like the pig. The second pig built his house out of sticks. I know it's not as weak as hay, but not by a lot. The third and last pig built his house out of bricks. Oh I wonder which house will last.

Everything was going great for the pigs. The third one was reading a scary story, the second one was eating a lot of junk, and the third one was throwing away half a bag of Doritos that was still perfectly good. Damn it, you do NOT throw away good Doritos. That's one of the thirteenth commandments. I know what you are thinking, but there were actually thirteen all together. God didn't add it in to the slabs because Doritos weren't around back then. But now the damn pig broken the most sacred rule of all, he shall suffer one day!

They were all in their happy place, but one day, danger was heading toward them. I know what you're thinking, the Big Bad Wolf. WRONG! Wolves don't go hunting alone, they bring the whole pack.

The pack first came to the first pig's house. The pig looked out the window and saw the wolves. "Oink." After insulting the wolves and telling them that they can't blow down his house, one wolf only had to just move a few bits of hay and the house collapsed.

In real life, have you ever seen a wolf blowing? I didn't think so.

Seeing he was in danger; the pig ran wee wee wee all the way to the second pig's house. Wait a minute; in the original story, did the wolf just stood there while his dinner was getting away? He could have caught up to the pig and chowed down. Let me guess. 'Oh no! We can't have children be aware that death is real! Let's soften the story so children will not be traumatized for life!'

Well I guess after just standing there, the wolves walked to the second house. Inside, the first pig was trying to per sway his brother to help him. "Oink." The second said while shaking his head no. "Oink." said the first as he begs helplessly. "Oink." The second motions his arms for a favor. "Oink?" the first ask. The Second took out a picture of the first pig and his girlfriend. "Oink!" the second started staring at the girlfriend as he licks his lips. "Oink!" the first waved his arms no.

The wolves went to the window and started watching the whole conversation. "Oink." The second pig threatened the first pig. "Oink!" The first pig started explaining about the girlfriend. "Oink?" asked the second. "Oink." The first was moving his arms as the second one was being disgusted. "Oink." The first one then did a Nazi salute. "Oink!" the second agreed to protect the first without any favors.

Then the wolves moved one stick and the house collapsed. Go figure. So they ran wee wee wee all the way to the final pig's house as the wolves just stood there.

The third pig let them all stay in the house but warned them not to make a mess. He only looked away for three seconds and found the house to be completely destroyed. Paintings were turned, electronics were in the sink, a dead slut was in the washing machine, dynamite was in the fridge, and the porcupine was shaved.

He threw them out of the house and locked the door. The two pigs banged on the door, begging for their lives. The pack of wolves formed around the two pigs. One by one, they lunged at them. Blood was scattered everywhere. All the wolves viciously tear off each limb. Their eyes were popped out, their ears were devoured, and their organs fell onto the ground. I should write Creepypastas.

Now you may see the wolves as the villains in this story because of their predatorily ways, but what's this? A group of puppies came and the adults started feeding them. Why is it that in almost every fairy tale that the wolf is usually the bad guy? They're living creatures too, and they also have families to feed. Just look at the little puppies eating a pig's brain!

Meanwhile, up in the big place in the sky; the two pigs were being judged. "Everything seems alright …. Wait, it says here you had thrown away a perfectly good amount of Doritos." Then a whole group of people appeared and started booing at the first pig. They threw many sharp objects as they say the most hurtful of words. Even his very own brother was ashamed by him. "You shall now face the ultimate punishment!"

The first pig was casted away into a realm of darkness. "OINK!" it called out, but nobody came. It seemed that he was all alone, but he sensed that someone was behind him. He slowly turned around and….

The End?