A/N: I wrote this to avoid sleep. 'Nuff said.
Disclaimer: If I owned this series, I would be able to pronounce all the names. Which I cannot.
The First Abhorsen and His Contribution to Dead Segregation
by Undercooked
Chapter 1 - Our Feature Presentation
The dead aren't bad. They're just dead - plus, they have an insatiable desire to crush human flesh in their unholy maws, but that's not their fault. This is the magical story of why everyone THINKS they're bad.
Steve was the first Abhorsen, but back in his highschool days, he was just known as Steve. Now, back in the day when Steve lived, things were more integrated - adorable little dead children attended school with the less adorable live ones. Prom was a big event in Steve's town, which we shall, in the tradition of hard-to-pronounce town names, call Rjjqwestanre.
Steve had asked the most beautiful zombie girl in Rjjqwestanre to prom - her name was Jolisa, and she was only missing eight teeth. Jolisa, to Steve's surprise, accepted, only to dump him humiliatingly in front of everyone at the dance.
Oh, the humanity! Steve had to retaliate in some way. So he did it in the only way he knew how - he donned a dramatic cloak, stole some bells from the band room, and went to Jolisa's door. When he rang his bells at her, she laughed so hard that she regurgitated her spirit into death.
Thus, Steve became the first Abhorsen, cruelly throwing his dead brethren back into the less than jolly waterpark of death, where the towels were all stained and the water was contaminated with child-pee.
Now, we shouldn't blame Steve for his misconception; if a zombie girl dumped you, wouldn't you think they were all lying, cheating whores? I certainly would. And this is why the dead continue to be persecuted, segregated, re-killed, and thrown out of fast-food places all over the country. You can make a difference! Be kind to a dead person today, and help make our community whole again.
This presentation was funded in part by the Necromancer's Guild of the Old Kingdom, and also Jane Fonda.