A/N: Written by Marmalade. The first of our collected works of completely pointless smut and/or slash. Please note this was written on a lack of caffeine, late at night, with a younger, innocent sibling merely meters away. If you have difficulty reading this, get glasses. I apologize for nothing.

Quidditch Moves

Dear Hermione,

Hope you're keeping warm-

Hermione smiled and leaned against the cold stone wall of Hogwarts' halls, reflecting on how Viktor kept her warm. A pair of first years stopped for a moment to stare at her. Oh, did I say that out loud? She smiled at them and began walking again at a considerably faster pace.

We've just been to the Dentists of Britain International Convention! We learned all about the latest in drill bit technology and mouth wash – supposedly iodine does the trick just fine, but it was agreed that bubble gum and mint are much more preferable flavours. Your dad's been thinking of writing to Professor Dumbledore and asking if we can give a lecture on mouth hygiene, but I don't think it'll work out. Wish Harry good luck for us in the tournament!

Love, Mum

Shoving her mother's letter into her jeans pocket, Hermione sat down against the door to the owlery, and put a package of Toothflossing Stringmints to the side. Taking quill and parchment out of her bag she'd grabbed, she began to write her mother back. After a few sentences, she surveyed her work, scratched it out, and sighed, starting over again. Admittedly, she was still a bit upset that Viktor hadn't agreed to come with her to Hogsmeade, but the knowledge that she'd see him soon was comforting.

Little did she know…

Smiling to herself, Hermione put her hand on the handle of the door-

A low moan sounded from within.

Slowly she opened the door, looking around in confusion as the moans continued. Was someone constipated?

"Hedwig?" she called. The beautiful snowy owl flew gracefully – and perhaps gratefully – down from the rafters, a repulsed expression on her face. Hermione was forced to pause again as she tied the package to the owl's leg, as the groans grew and were abruptly halted.

Hedwig flew off quickly. The owl knows…

There was a cry, sounding as if it was stifled, then cursing. Brown eyes widened – she'd heard that voice before. Looking up, Hermione realized that all the owls stared at one particular point in the room, that she slowly moved towards. Her foot hit something, and she looked down at the floor, littered with owl droppings – and discarded clothing. Piece by piece she followed shirts, socks, pants and… other essentials. She looked and, to her horror-

"Dammit, I knew my father should have sent me to Durmstrang!"
Stark naked, and – standing up? She didn't even know that was possible! – were none other than Draco Malfoy and Viktor Krum.

"Viktor!"

The youth in question looked up, his partner still oblivious – most evidently by his next words. "Why'd you stop, you idiot?" He also looked up, expression unchanging. "Oh… so?"

"You bloody bastard!'

"No really, Herm-own-ninny!" Viktor protested, making a move towards her and promptly falling down. "They're just Qvidditch moves!"

"You- you- you make me sick!" Actually, its kinda…

"Hey, mudblood, care to join us? Threesomes are kinky!"