Notes: So those of you that read my fic know that I am 100% Walkerson dedicated and I still am, but I think the reality of their situation is the old adage that it is going to get worse before it gets better. Based on that reality I am working through how I would like the journey to go.
Full Circle P1
The news that Annie was alive was disseminated in rings of inclusion. After the 7th floor people were told, Calder gathered a small group of those that had worked closely with Annie over the years: among them, Barber, Hollman, Branch and Reva who were stunned to hear the news, but relieved and thrilled. Finally, Calder made a general announcement that Operative Walker was alive, free of charges and spending some time recovering from her mission.
It wasn't until a full day after the news was spread that Barber asked a fairly obvious question.
"Calder, where is Auggie?"
"I saw him briefly when he returned from Hong Kong, he asked for a week. Frankly, I think he needs more than that, but he'll be back on Monday," Calder replied.
"Is he with Annie?" Barber asked hopefully.
"No," Calder shook his head almost sadly and walked away.
***555***
Annie took her 4th shower of the last 24 hours, grateful for hotel hot water heaters and the big bottle of lotion she bought with the left over cash Joan had given her in New York.
Annie knew from her literature studies that water is a symbol of rebirth and she hoped that if she took enough baths and showers, if she swam enough laps in the hotel pool she would emerge as someone new at the end of the week. She was certain that she was never going to be the old Annie Walker again and Jessica Matthews had to go as well, she had to be someone though and she hoped she could find that person soon before the loneliness devoured her.
She had become accustom to physical loneliness, in the dark for months with no one by her side, but this mental loneliness was significantly harder. All the time she was in the dark she was never truly alone, Henry was in her brain dictating her moves and providing the fire she needed to move forward. With Henry dead she had nothing, she had no one.
The people she loved: Auggie and Danielle, were done with her and who could really blame them. Of course she hadn't spoken to Danielle, but she knew how that was going to go and she cringed at the thought of re-opening her sister's wounds.
Auggie almost stuck it out, he was there up to the end in Hong Kong, stayed behind and risked his own safety to help her complete her mission. She had a voice mail from him on her phone when she arrived back in the States, but it was late and she was so tired she went directly to the hotel and took a shower and collapsed in bed.
It was the same behavior she had exhibited when she got back from Russia years ago, after he had single-handedly arranged a prison break of the most unbreakable prison in the world. That time he shrugged off her avoidance and welcomed her into the DPD with a warm embrace. This time, when she called him the next day he didn't answer. She went to his apartment and he wasn't there.
Under the hot spray of the shower Annie realized she would never be the person Auggie needed, no matter who she was reborn as this time.
***555***
Auggie slept for 2 days solid. The small hotel room in Chicago was quiet and, in his world, always dark enough for sleep. He had debated visiting his parents or a brother or two, but realized that he couldn't fake it even for them. He stayed in the hotel and ate room service, listened to ESPN on the television and slept more.
When Annie failed to even call him back the night of her return he knew they were broken, he knew that they had both pushed the other too far. The spool of blame grew with each memory, he was not the victim here, they were both responsible for the decisions they made. Annie's decisions would always be about the work first.
He should be proud of her; she had turned into a world class Operative. He had just always hoped that he meant the tiniest bit more to her than the job.
His ringing phone pulled him out of his malaise and he smiled despite himself at the identity revealed by the ring tone. Auggie had been dodging these calls, but finally on Day 4 of his hibernation he answered.
"Hey Barber, what's up?" he said with faux cheer.
"Hey Barber, what's up?" Barber mimicked in disgust.
"Yeah sorry man, you called at all the wrong times, I've been super busy on my vacation."
"Really, cause my intel indicates you haven't left the hotel and your room service bill is bordering on quadruple digits."
"I don't know what is more upsetting, you spying on me or the ridiculously inflated price of a turkey club in this place."
He sounded like himself Barber thought, only just not quite.
"I spy because I care, are you OK man?"
"Getting there, I'll be back in DC tomorrow."
"Beer?"
"Sure. Hey, have you seen her?" Auggie asked knowing Barber would know what he meant and knowing Calder had planned to tell them all by now.
"No, part of me was really hoping she was with you."
"No."
"I tried spying on her too, but she is still…."
"Dead?"
"To the credit card companies any way. I'm fairly certain she is here in DC somewhere, can't really travel too far with no identity."
"Knowing her she would find a way," Auggie sighed and ended the call.
He collapsed back on the bed, suddenly tired again in the middle of the afternoon.
***555***
The closest thing to a relationship Annie had these past few days was with the woman who worked in the pool area of her hotel. Annie came down multiple times a day for a swim and the woman smiled and handed her a towel and Annie thanked her. It was the only way she knew her voice still worked.
She was on her 10th length of the pool when she popped up for air and caught site of someone sitting on the edge of a chair nearby. The water in her eyes blurred her vision and she blinked rapidly to clear it.
"Joan?" Annie asked as she hefted her body out of the water to sit on the edge of the pool.
Joan tossed her a towel as Annie wrung the water from her long dark hair.
"How are you Annie?"
"I'm, um, fine," she tried using words even though they felt slippery in her mouth.
"How about you get dressed and I take you out for dinner?" Joan stood and indicated Annie should as well.
"Um, OK," Annie nodded and got to her feet.
"I brought you some things. You look a little leaner than your sizes in your file, but they should do," she held up a bag from Macy's.
"Thanks," Annie practically whispered, the kindness of the gesture stealing her speech.
Annie had taken a few things out of storage the day she went looking for Auggie, but her wardrobe was sadly limited to pajamas and this bathing suit.
Annie smiled at the towel girl and proceeded to the elevator. Once in the hotel room she shivered against the cool still air.
"Take a shower, I'll bring some clothes in," Joan nodded towards the bathroom and Annie noticed she was still carrying some baby weight, she must have just gotten out of the hospital.
While Annie slipped off the wet bathing suit she heard Joan rummage in the bag she brought, heard the telltale sign of tags being removed from clothes and the shake of fabric as she tried to freshen the folded pieces. Slipping into the refuge of her shower again she hoped she could get through a meal with Joan without hyperventilating, but she had to learn how to assimilate to the real world again if she wanted to go back to work.
***555***
Auggie picked up the phone to call Annie on Saturday evening. He figured they should talk before Monday, in case she was present at Langley upon his return from vacation. He had no idea if she would answer, but steeled himself against the kitchen counter and waited.
"Hello," she answered on the 4th ring sounding breathless, water running in the back ground.
"Hi," he said simply.
"Hi," she replied, uncertain.
"Can we talk?"
"Uh huh," she said with difficulty, her throat closing in on itself.
"I can come to you," he offered.
"If you want, or I can come there," she returned the offer.
"Do you want to come here?" he asked intrigued.
Aside from the first few nights of their brief relationship they had always used Auggie's place. Logistically it was just easier for him to be in his own space with his stuff in its proper place. It was impossible for Annie to imagine that apartment now and not think of all the spots they had stolen kisses, all the times he had pressed her up against a wall or an appliance and anchored her to the life she was spiraling away from.
"Maybe you should come here," she needed the neutrality of this random DC hotel room.
"You'll need to tell me where there is," he said, the trademark grin apparent in his voice.
She gave him the hotel name and her room number, he promised to be there within the hour and she ended the call before slipping back into the still running shower.
***555***
Auggie arrived at the hotel empty-handed. He considered stopping for beer or Patron on the way, but he knew that a couple of shots of Patron in they would just end up in bed and while he wanted her so badly they had made that mistake already, the sex without the talking mistake, and he wasn't doing it again.
She answered the door and found him in jeans and his leather jacket, bag strapped across his chest, cane unfurled. He looked like: Auggie. How could he look so much the same when she barely recognized herself?
She brushed his arm and invited him into the room. He let go after clearing the door frame and used his cane to get the lay of the land.
"Where do we start?" she asked as he took off his jacket, found a chair and sat down.
"Are you OK?" he asked his voice calm and soft.
"Not really," she admitted.
"OK, so we start with getting you any help that you need," he leaned forward and steepled his fingers together as if praying.
"Joan is taking care of that," she found herself a seat, cross-legged on the end of the bed.
"Good."
"How are you?" she reversed the question.
"Conflicted."
"By?"
"Everything."
"Us?"
"Is there an us?"
"There will always be an us," she said and he knew she was right.
"Yeah," he smiled.
"The question really is what kind of us," she admitted.
"Are you coming back to work?"
"Eventually. You?"
"Monday."
"Good. That is good, right?" she asked never so unsure of how to talk to Auggie, talking was their thing they could always talk.
"I guess, routine and all that, get back on the horse. Not really sure what I'll be doing and for whom and where. Kind of want to go back to the basement, it was quiet there," he babbled.
"I'm sure Joan and Calder have a plan," she assured.
"For you too," he offered.
"Mmmm," she pinched her lips shut and stood up.
He heard her stand and did the same thing, out of chivalry or a need to move or lack of anything better to do or say he was unsure.
"We aren't really good at the talking thing," he said completely opposite of her earlier thoughts.
"We always were before…." her voice trailed off and he knew what she was referencing.
"Before…" and before he could finish his thought her hand reached for his side, a mirror image of the night in her guest house, her hand barely there against the softness of his tee shirt.
"Auggie," it was a prayer on her lips and his descended to swallow his own name before she could finish it.
Unlike that first night though there was no joke, no teasing smile from either of them. The kiss was fierce, their teeth banging into each other . The last thing Auggie thought before he pushed her jeans off her hips was that he should have brought the Patron.
As a spy you become accustomed to straddling the line between right and wrong. Routinely you are doing something illegal or destructive for the greater good, which is what Annie tried to convince herself of as she made love to Auggie.
They both knew it was wrong, they were fractured, both of them badly in need of repair and while every touch, every thrust felt amazing they both knew it was wrong.
Auggie made every deal he could manage with god and his body to prolong the moment, he rode out wave after wave of Annie's reactions.
Annie was glad she was checking out of the hotel tomorrow, because she was pretty sure people on other floors could hear them. And when they finally finished and Auggie collapsed on top of her, she pulled his lips to hers and kissed him frantically. He returned the kiss as if they were resuscitating one another, breathing life into one another.
But then he was gone. Careful not trip over their discarded shoes and clothes he made his way to the other side of the room, a hand wiping across his mouth.
Annie pulled the sheet, kicked to the end of the bed, up over her body despite the fact that he couldn't see her. She felt vulnerable and scared. She was scared of Auggie, not physically, but of what he was about to do to her heart, what she could do to him just as easily.
"I'm sorry," he shook his head remembering a similar night of passion with another recently returned from the dead lover.
Annie nodded, knowing it was useless but her voice was raw from screaming his name. She closed her eyes as he made his way around the room gathering his things.
"I really came here to talk," his voice made its way through her closed eyes and covered body and broke her heart any way.
"To end our relationship," she ground out.
"There was never a relationship Annie, there was love and passion and loyalty and trust, the first two are clearly still there but I think we kind of shredded the last two."
"So we just give up?" she was trying so hard not to cry.
"We are not the same two people who stood in your guest house a year ago, we've been through a lot, put each other through a lot and I don't see how we get back to who we were before."
"What about work?"
"We have a unique working relationship, but even that is out of our hands at this point. If they put us back together, which I highly doubt, I will certainly be able to work with you Annie. I love you, I always will," he was suddenly dressed, cane in hand and at the door.
"So that's it, you get to make the decision and we're over?"
Auggie dropped his head and laughed, bitterly.
"Annie, you don't get it, do you? You made the decision, in Frankfurt, you did this, not me," he sighed and then he was gone.
TBC…