AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hi hi hi, so this happened because I had a certain song lyric stuck in my head and then word vomit happened. I'm not 100% satisfied by how it turned out but ah well. Hope you enjoy! Stay strong during the hiatus!
It was late one evening when there was a knock on Amy's bedroom door. She quickly closed her laptop, interrupting her Netflix streaming of Brooklyn Nine-Nine and jumped out of bed because she was supposed to be cleaning her room.
"Yeah, come in, I'm just finishing up."
"Need a hand?" Someone who wasn't her mother asked, causing Amy to spin around.
There she was, in all her glory, Karma Ashcroft, looking stupidly cute for someone wearing holey sweats.
"Hey! Karma! I, uh, hi. What's up?"
Karma stood just inside the door, suddenly looking nervous. She was fidgeting with one of her sweaters sleeves, her eyes darting around the room, when she finally spoke, "I came here to tell you something."
Amy had such a strong feeling of unease that she had to look away. She went back to cleaning her room to keep her hands busy and her eyes off of Karma.
Things hadn't gone back to normal between them and Amy wanted to kick herself in the face every day because if she had just kept her mouth shut, having in her room wouldn't be so weird. It would just be like any other night.
Once she could control the nervousness in her voice, she nonchalantly said, "Go for it."
Karma was silent for so long, Amy figured she was just going to drop the subject, but then
"Nothing feels right when I'm not with you!"
To Amy's ears, it didn't sound like that's what Karma really wanted to say, so she didn't stop what she was doing.
"Karma, I don't want to hear that."
"It's true, though! And no one has ever loved me the way you have!"
"I don't want to hear that either." Amy said, still moving around the room cleaning up.
"Why not? Do you not… love me anymore?"
That finally got Amy to stop and face her best friend; making eye contact for the first time since Karma sat down.
"Of course I love you, still love you. I'll always love you, but don't you get how bad everything you're saying sounds?"
"I thought… I thought this is what you wanted? I thought you wanted to be with me?"
Karma was getting visibly more flustered each passing minute. She had been so sure how this was going to play out. She had rehearsed what she was going to say. She was going to fix everything and finally make Amy happy. She was finally going to make herself happy. And then they were going to be happy together.
Amy interrupted her thoughts, "I do want to be with you. That's all I've wanted since our kiss at the homecoming assembly."
"But?" Karma prompted.
"But what you're saying… Karma, I want you to want me the way I want you. I love you, and I know you love me too, but I don't know if you mean it the same. I don't want you to say these things to me just so I won't leave you. I'll never leave you. I don't want to make you miserable just to make me happy. That's not fair."
That distracted Karma, "You mean, the same way you did? You're the only one allowed to make sacrifices? Is that how it is?" Karma questioned while giving Amy a look that was an odd mixture of scathing and exasperation.
"YES," Amy shouted before clamping her mouth shut and kneading her forehead with her fingertips. After a heavy silence which both girls didn't dare breathe, Amy exhaled and began moving about her room again. Her movements were different this time; her shoulders were slumped and she was moving sluggishly, as if she had never felt more exhausted.
It wasn't until after she had put an armful of clothes in her hamper that she stopped. Karma had moved from the bed to stand right behind her, making them face-to-face once Amy turned around.
"Why?" Karma asked simply.
"Why what?" Amy asked back, trying to step around her.
Karma shadowed her, refusing to let her escape.
"Why only you?" Karma asked patiently. She was staring at Amy with pain in her eyes. Amy hated being the reason that Karma felt pain. She also once again hated herself for speaking her mind. Can brain-to-mouth filters be bought on ebay?
Looking down to avoid the tide of longing that pushed and pulled inside her whenever she looked into her best friend's grey eyes, Amy finally spoke.
"That's just the way things are with us. You once said that you are the planner and I'm the executioner. So that's what I do. You dream of the stars, and I build the rocket to get you there."
After hearing a wet chuckle accompanied by a sniffle, Amy looked up. Karma had tears racing down her cheeks. Without being able to help herself, she raised both of her hands to wipe the tears away. Karma caught her wrists, holding Amy's hands in place, savoring the warmth. She hadn't realized her eyes had closed until she opened them only to see how Amy's eyes were vast green pools of hurt. Keeping hold of her wrists, Karma took a step closer. They were close enough now that they could feel the other person's breath.
"Let me do this for you," Karma pleaded, never breaking eye contact.
"Do what?" Amy asked a little breathlessly. Karma was so close to her and staring at her so adoringly that it made Amy dizzy.
"Let me love you the way you love me. Let me love you the way you deserve to be loved."
When Karma still saw fear and reluctance in her best friend's eyes, she let go of Amy and stepped back. God, she hated the space.
"Did you ever think that maybe the way you don't believe that I could be in love with you is the exact same way I felt when you told me?"
Amy honestly hadn't thought of that, so she remained silent and still, as if any movement she made would break the moment and Karma would stop saying these things.
Karma folded herself on the floor. Hugging her knees and leaning against Amy's bed, she looked up at her best friend with sad, pleading eyes.
"You know I don't always think… highly of myself," Karma started.
Amy had never seen Karma more vulnerable than in this moment, curled on her bedroom floor, clutching her legs to her chest as she cannonballed into her deepest insecurities.
"But somehow," Karma continued, "You've loved me every single day. No matter how many mistakes I've made, you were there, loving me. I never knew how you could. I never saw in myself what you seemed to. One day we were in biology and I found myself looking at you across the classroom and I saw everything that was good in my life; everything that was important. I thought I knew then that there was no way I could ever deserve someone like you. Just when I thought I was going to have a mental breakdown in front of the entire class, you looked over at me, the same way you did every day at that time, but this time I felt like I was watching it on a high def t.v. It was the way you always looked at me, but I just felt so much… love from that one look that… I don't know… maybe if someone like you could love me, maybe I'm not so bad."
After what felt like hours, Karma finally stood up with a look of determination.
"Amy, I love you. I think I've loved you for a long time. I'm sorry that I took so long to get here, I guess I just needed to learn how to let myself be loved," With a blush on her cheeks and a small awkward smile, she adds, "And… ya know… I'm sorry for literally everything else I've put you through."
Amy finally thawed out of her position of standing there wide eyed like a moron and stepped to her best friend, pulling her into a tight embrace. Without missing a beat, Karma wrapped her arms around Amy's waist and buried her face into the taller girl's shoulder. All tension left their bodies as they relaxed into the hug.
When Amy pulled back just enough to look into Karma's eyes, she pushed the strands of hair from her face that had managed to escape the girl's already messy bun.
"Even if one day you have an ego the size of this house, I'm never going to stop reminding you how amazing you are," Amy said quietly, that look of love on her face again.
Karma closed her eyes when she could no longer see past her tears and leaned up to press her lips to Amy's. Every thank you and I love you that Karma has never said was in that kiss. It didn't last long but it was perfect.
With eyes that were sparkling with happiness and adoration, Karma replied, "Right back at ya, buttface."