INTERVIEW WITH THE DARK LORD

By Cameron Wintergreen

1995

Last night, this excited reporter was granted an exclusive interview with the one and only, Lord Voldemort. We sat up in a an expensively private room in The Leaky Cauldron, filled with snacks, drinks, and of course, Voldemort. His robes were the finest money could buy, a stunning 500,000 galleon set of black dress robes. He sipped a tumbler of Ogden's Finest, as we sat across from each other at the mahogany table. With my dictation quill at the ready, I began the interview.

CAMERON:
So, Lord Voldemort. The most wanted man in Great Britain. How does it feel to have the famous boy who lived after you? As well as the ministry? The ministry is offering a 1.5 million galleon bounty to the person who brings your body to the minister himself.

VOLDEMORT:
It's quite silly. I'm not just a wizard, you see, I actually learned something at Hogwarts. Before it went down the train. That damn Dumbledore has been slowly ruining that school for years. But anyway, Harry Potter cannot harm me. Neither can the ministry.

He took another swig of the firewhiskey.

CAMERON:
Speaking of the ministry, can you tell us what happened several months ago in the ministry with Harry Potter and death eater Sirius Black? Why didn't you kill Potter?

VOLDEMORT:

It was not the right time. I had lured Potter to the ministry so I could find the prophecy. You know, the one about us? Well, he brought his little blood traitor friends and they began to battle my death eaters. Sirius Black was not a death eater, see, his brother was. Until he double crossed me.

The Dark Lord smirked.

CAMERON:
So you do have a long term plan? Let's say that you win this war, what are your plans?

VOLDEMORT:
My plan, dear reporter, is to rid this world of the impure. The mudbloods. The traitors. The weak. Once I have conquered the United Kingdom, we shall go to America. The world will be..purified. Anyone who stands in my way, Potter and the ministry, shall be destroyed.

CAMERON:
What about half-bloods? What are your plans for them? I myself am a half-blood. My mother is a muggle. Would you kill me?

VOLDEMORT:
You have the wrong idea about me, Mr. Wintergreen. I don't kill people willy-nilly. If you're smart and can help my cause, I would not kill you. Several of my death eaters are half-bloods. One is a potions master, one is employed at Durmstrang, and several others work in the ministry. Of course, blood status or not, if you attempt to stop me, I will kill you.

CAMERON:
But doesn't that make you a hypocrite? My sources tell me that you're a half-blood yourself, even though you are, uh, a staunch advocate for blood purity.

Maybe I shouldn't have asked that. He started to look a bit uncomfortable. His eyes were flaming red, and his voice was unnaturally high, which rose to an even higher pitch as he responded.

VOLDEMORT:
Your sources are wrong. I have the purest blood of them all.

CAMERON:
Oh? And what about your parents? According to Albus Dumbledore himself, your mother was a witch. Your father was a wizard who was mysteriously killed in the 1940's, along with your grandparents..Tom.

VOLDEMORT:
My dear man, are you trying to get yourself killed? I shed my filthy fathers muggle name long ago. Do not call me Tom. I should kill you right now, but what sort of example would that set for your readers?

CAMERON:
Sorry, sir. It won't happen again. Now what can you tell me about the Tri Wizard Tournament? How did you rig it?

VOLDEMORT:
Oh, it was very easy, see. Do you remember Barty Crouch Jr? His father worked in the ministry, and his son was a death eater. After the torture of the famed Longbottom aurors, he was incarcerated in Azkaban until his parents broke him out. He then impersonated a professor at Hogwarts, and rigged the competition so Potter would be brought to me. Of course, my wand malfunctioned and Potter escaped.

CAMERON:
But how did you come back? They say you were spotted in the forbidden forest in 1991, and a younger version of you unleashed a Basilisk in Hogwarts in 1992. But you were killed in 1981. How'd you do it? A clone? A secret brother?

VOLDEMORT:
A wise man never gives away his secrets.

We chatted for a few more minutes about random things, Quidditch (he likes the cannons), his favorite foods (A food called "McDonald's"), and the weather. Then I received word that my time with the lord that my time was up. We shook hands, and I was whisked out of the room before I could say anything else.

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CAMERON WINTERGREEN

THE DAILY PROPHET

ROOM 139