I'm just going to explain a little about what this is before we get to the story. Donut is a clumsy idiot who survives against the odds by being foolish. This is a changed and embellished version of Mass Effect 2's story, and I have gone so far in changing it as to even remove some missions and add character dialogue (but I try to keep in character.) You may hate this, or you may like it, but here is the crazy story of Donut Shepard.
"What the hell is going on?" I yelled, the Normandy blowing up around him.
"Shepard! Joker's still piloting the ship, and he won't leave. I'm not leaving either." Ashley said. How the hell did I know her name? Part of the Normandy-how did I know what this place was?-blew up and she fell over on me.
"I'll go get him. You stay and help the crew." I said. I remembered my life-I was a spacer and a war hero, I saved Wrex and left Kaidan, and I fell in love with Ash-but I didn't live any of that, but I did. Pondering this, I ran to the front of the ship, where Joker would be-how did I know that? I walked through part of the ship that had the ceiling missing, looking at a glowing planet. I would've admired the beauty, but I was busy trying not to die.
"Joker! We need to go!" I yelled.
"No, I can still save her." Joker said.
"Going down with the ship won't change anything. She's lost." I said.
"...Okay." Joker said, and I grabbed his arm a little too hard -how did I know his disease?- the bone cracking. "Watch the arm!" He yelled. I put him in an escape pod and the unidentified ship shot the Normandy again, making me float in the air. "Shepard!" Joker yelled as I floated away. I hit the button to shoot his pod off and was spaced. I looked around, then felt the air leave my helmet. I attacked the empty space around me, trying to stop the invisible killer, but failed. I felt the life leave my body as I floated away.
I'm Donut Shepard, the Bumbling Spectre. I'm a pale, gaunt man with pale-blonde hair, blue eyes, and black facial hair. I just died.
"He's waking up!" Some ugly bald dude said. A hot woman walked over to me, keeping my hands down.
"Don't try moving. Give him more anesthetic." She said in an Australian accent.
"You are very pretty." I said before being unable to work my body.
"He's an odd guy, isn't he?" The ugly bald guy said.
"He killed Sovereign, a Reaper. He could kill you if you insult him." Miranda said.
"I'll keep that in mind." The bald guy said.
"Wake up!" Miranda yelled.
"You just told me to go to sleep." I said.
"I'm Miranda, and we're under attack." Miranda said, and the station shook, making me fall onto the floor and right onto my bottom. "Get a pistol and some armor from the holder." Miranda said, and I ran over and got them.
"There's no heat sink! What am I going to do, beat them with it? Do you want me to die again?" I asked, freaking out. Suddenly, the door across the room blew up. "And things are blowing up? Wonderful!" I said, running through the smoke and taking the ammo off of the dead guy. "Eww...dead-guy slime." I hopped over a barrier, and a mech shot at me. I got behind cover and blew it's head off.
"Good job. Hurry to the shuttles." Miranda said. I ran past the destroyed mech and into a room. "Take cover. More mechs are closing in on you." Miranda said as several mechs walked into the room and took shots at me. I felt time slow down as I shot every mech in the head.
"Damn, did you give me upgrades? I don't remember kicking this much ass before." I said. I technically didn't remember doing anything before. Whenever I thought back it was just like watching an extremely immersive movie: you went along for the ride, but didn't do any of it. I ran through a hallway, watched a giant mech cream some Cerberus workers, and ran into a dead body, slipping on his blood and landing right beside the grenade launcher.
"Pick up the launcher and destroy the mechs that are coming over to you." Miranda said. Why was she being so freaking obvious? I did as she said, and followed her orders to take the elevator down. I ran through fire at her orders (feeling very much like a beta-male) and began to worry about her when her newest orders were cut out by static.
"Miranda?" I asked, keeping up a brisk pace. "If you die I'll have to do obvious things on my own. I can't handle that!" I walked into a room and saw a African-American man shooting mechs. I ran up to him, destroyed the mechs shooting at us, and began a very calm conversation.
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? WHERE AM I?" I yelled, taking the Cerberus workers by the shoulders and shaking him about.
"I'm Jacob, and I work-worked-here." Jacob said, pulling my hands off of him.
"Are you with the sexy Australian?" I asked.
"I work with Miranda, yes." Jacob said.
"Lucky." I muttered.
"Not like that." Jacob said right before mechs shot at us. "Listen, I'm a biotic. Just tell me to use Pull."
"Right...use it, like, now." I said. He used it on a mech, making it float over to me. I shot every other mech with him, and the floating mech flew right over to me and fell right on my toe. I began to jump around and Jacob just looked at me and shook his head.
"How did you destroy Sovereign?" Jacob asked.
"Just wait for my notorious foolish charms to start working." I said. Jacob just chuckled and walked to the door.
"Lead the way, 'foolish charms'." Jacob said, but someone started talking on the radio.
"Jacob, I'm trying to turn off the mechs. Come help me." He said.
"Hey! The ugly bald guy." I said.
"His name's Wilson." Jacob said.
"Right. He doesn't look like a Wilson. He looks more like a...what does he look like?" I asked.
"A bald ugly guy?" Jacob asked.
"Yeah. Not that he'd live through High School with a name like that." I said, walking through a room full of red light and shooting two mechs in the head nonchalantly.
"How did you do that?" Jacob asked.
"Great thing about guns. You pull a trigger, and things die if you use them correctly." I said, walking towards bald ugly guy.
"Help, I got shot!" Wilson yelled.
I fixed up bald ugly guy with medi-gel, and he began to start talking crap about Miranda.
"Dude, shut up. Miranda's my friend." I said.
"Why?" Bald ugly guy asked.
"Did you wake me up and give me a gun? I don't think so." I said. Bald and ugly guy looked at Jacob.
"I don't know why he acts like that, but he can use a gun better than most people can." Jacob said.
"Eh, Wilson? Could you use Overload on these crates?" I asked him.
"How did you know I could use Overload?" He asked, blowing up the crates.
"Because you can't hold your own in a fight." I joked. Wilson just looked at me angrily. "Sorry, jeez." I said. We went through a room, killing mechs and arguing, and when we finally got to the shuttles the door was locked.
While Wilson worked on the door, he said. "I wish you stayed-"
The door opened and Miranda, in all her Australian beauty, looked at Wilson, took out her pistol, and shot him. "Dead?"
"What the hell, Miranda?" Jacob asked.
"He betrayed us." Miranda said. I'd jumped back after she shot Wilson and was trying not to freak out.
"Can you, like, not shoot people?" I asked.
"This is the glorious Shepard?" Miranda asked. "Why is your first name 'Donut?'"
"That's the least weird thing about this guy. He can kill people, then get his toe stubbed and cry about it. It's annoying and amazing at the same time." Jacob said.
"In his file it did mention certain...oddities. Like his so-called 'foolish charms." Miranda said.
I rubbed my goatee. "You had a report on that?" I asked.
"Yes. Let's go, if you have no more questions." Miranda said.
"I have a huge one right now: why do all my memories seem fake?" I asked.
"It might be because we remade you from a bloody pile of meat." Jacob said.
"Even on the Normandy it was like that." I said.
"We can't help you there. Now, let's go." Miranda said.