Disclaimer: Hotaru and the other sailor scouts belong to Naoko Takeuchi. The song Last Resort belongs to Papa Roach as far as I know. I claim no ownership to either and am using them without permission. I am making no money from this and am doing it for entertainment purposes only.
Warnings: Swearing, angst, references to suicide, death
Author's Note: I was up late one night listening to music and got the idea for this fic. Hope you enjoy it! My first song fic and my first death fic.
If you are a fan of the other scouts they will be a little cruel in this. I am not just a Saturn fan so don't get mad at me for not writing your favorite scout in glowing terms because they may be one of my favorites too. But if you still have a problem with me flame me in your review all you want. All I ask is that you use proper grammar and spelling. Thank you.
Now for everyone who is actually still reading this after my little tangent. On with the fic and I hope you enjoy it. Oh, this also makes references to the manga because in it Hotaru was a cyborg.
Last Resort
By: Kynthia
Hotaru ran as fast as she could. Her heart was pounding in her chest and her breath was coming quickly. She had to get away.
~Cut my life into pieces
I've reached my last resort,
Suffocation, no breathing~
Her boot clad foot splashed water as it hit a puddle spraying water along the already drenched sidewalk. It was almost midnight and she was running and stumbling her way along the sidewalk trying to forget the last couple of hours. Trying to ignore the blood that was pouring from various wounds.
The others had never trusted her and it was all coming out now.
~Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding
Do you even care if I die bleeding~
The Scout of Destruction had not been trusted from the beginning. Haruka and Micheru had originally wanted to kill her but when she had fought Mistress 9 she had assumed that it was over. When they had taken her in she had assumed that they had cared.
She had been wrong. So wrong.
~Would it be wrong, would it be right
If I took my life tonight,
Chances are that I might
Mutilation out of sight
And I'm contemplating suicide~
Hotaru wanted to die every time she thought of the hatred she had seen in their eyes. They had never cared they had said themselves just moments ago that the only reason they had let her live with them was because they didn't know how powerful she would be. They were now sure that she still had the ability to destroy everyone and everything if she wanted to.
At the moment she only wanted to destroy herself. They thought she was evil.
She couldn't bring herself to hate them after the kindness they had given her even if it was faked.
~'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine~
The tears that she had been ignoring were coming in full blast now. They temporarily blinded her. Her foot caught on the sidewalk and she fell.
They hate evil and they hate me.
She wished Chibi-Usa was there. She would make her feel better. She would tell her she wasn't evil.She wasn't though and Hotaru was all alone. Another sob racked her body.
~I never realized I was spread too thin
Till it was too late and I was empty within~
Hotaru continued to lay on the wet sidewalk. It was cold out but by now she was numb to it. She shakily pushed herself into a sitting position. She sat in the cold welcoming the numbing sensation of losing all feeling as silent tears continued to flow unchecked.
~Hungry, feeding on chaos and living in sin
Downward spiral, where do I begin
It all started when I lost my mother~
Her mind began to wonder as she let herself slip away. She remembered her father and his obsession with the experiments he always worked on in his lab. She always thought about what he might have been like when her mother was still around but she couldn't even remember the face of the woman who gave birth to her let alone the possibly extinct behavior of her father from that time.
He had always thrown himself into what ever project there was to be done. That was partly why she was so weak now.
Since she had went to live with the outer scouts he had become a stranger. He was Professor Tomoe not father.
~No love for myself and no love for another
Searching to find a love upon a higher level
Finding nothing but questions and devils~
Professor Tomoe had been doing an experiment when she very young. For reasons all but lost to her now she had been in the lab when something went wrong. She had nearly been killed.
He had saved her by performing a risky surgery. In the end she was no longer human but she was alive. She had become a cyborg with a heart of cold metal. Most assumed that he saved her out of love for his daughter but part of her wondered if she was just another experiment to him.
She was afraid of what the answer might be.
~'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's alright, nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying~
Hotaru put her hands out to steady herself. Her vision was fading. The sticky feeling under her gloves told her she had lost a lot of blood. She had transformed when they had attacked but had not been able to hurt them. For some reason she still cared even when they didn't. She tried to stand up but just fell back to the pavement that was now growing red with her own blood.
She almost chuckled at the thought that she might die here. There had been so many times she had wanted to die. So many times she had held the blade over her wrist after yet again another attack. An attack where a friend was hurt and she couldn't remember doing it.
She had always chickened out then. Now she wouldn't be given a chance to. Her choice was gone. She lay with her head on the cold pavement. Her hair wet from the freezing drops that were beginning to fall once again and sticky from the blood that had not yet stopped flowing.
~I can't go on living this way~
She was glad that when she finally went she would be alone. She didn't want to see the looks on her once friends' faces. Chibi-Usa might be upset but she would be the only one. Even the inner scouts hated her. Yet the only answer she got as to why was that she was supposed to be evil.
~Cut my life into pieces~
Her entire life she had never been wanted. Her entire life she had never had love. It had always been bad but when Mistress Nine had tried to take her body it had gotten worse.
~This my last resort~
She had become even more alone with each attack Mistress Nine made on a student. Someone who might have become a friend. Someone who might have cared. Another chance lost.
~Suffocation, no breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding~
She had the attacks that were caused by her own frail body. She would end up waking up in the middle of the night shaking and coughing. Fighting for air.
Eventually the days came when she would disappointed that she would recover from them. She was beginning to welcome the peace that came with the darkness.
~Do you even care if I die bleeding
Would it be wrong, would it be right
If I took my life tonight,
Chances are that I might~
It began to thunder.
No one would miss her when she was finally gone. She knew though with a crooked smirk that they were foolish to think she would always be gone.
~Mutilation out of sight
And I'm contemplating suicide~
She had wanted to kill her self all those times to escape this life, Mistress Nine, and the weak body that had become her prison. She had always had a feeling though even before she knew for sure that when she died it wouldn't be the end.
Now she had her memories back and she knew she would return to earth eventually.
~'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's alright, nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying~
When I come back things will be different,
she thought with soundless tears and fading vision. She knew that then her body would be stronger. She would also have a far larger purpose.Her whole life nothing and no one had wanted her but Mistress Nine. Now she knew good had no purpose for her. When she came back she wondered if she would be so forgiving. Part of her rebelled against causing her friends pain. The part though that had been created by her father's neglect and strengthened by her friends' betrayal reveled in it.
Apparently while in this life she could not bring herself to hurt them in the next she would would have no qualms. It was their own fault for giving her this chance.
It thundered over head again but she didn't hear it.
Her vision finally faded and her tears no longer flowed. This wouldn't last though. Eventually the darkness would forge a true Goddess of Destruction.
Her eyes were empty to and the sound of thunder was now lost. She had embraced the silence.