Eye of the Needle
I sat in my car staring at the little brown house. Afraid to get out, but afraid to leave. The handmade ivory paper burned my fingers as I read the words for the thousandth time.
…the marriage of Rosalie Lillian Hale to Mr. Emmett McCarty
After so long, I was losing the one person I'd ever loved. I'd always known this day would come, that's why I'd left. I wouldn't be here now if it wasn't for the other slip of paper in my hands, a ripped scrap of green graph paper that'd been stuck in with the invitation.
Please come. I need to talk to you.
The jagged words resembled the shards of broken glass that used to be my heart.
When I'd received the card, my first reaction had been to toss the whole thing, my feelings and all, into the trash. As I dangled the card over the can, the tiny note had trickled out, sealing my fate. I had to come and talk, if only to say goodbye.
With a deep breath I made myself get out of the car. The sharp winter wind stung my cheeks and eyes, my excuse for the tears that threatened. This couldn't take long, a quick, awkward, "You look great," and "Congratulations" and I could return to the hole of a home I'd made in the desert.
The door opened before I reached the porch, but I didn't acknowledge the shadow standing there until I stood face to face with him.
The faint creases around his midnight eyes relaxed and disappeared. "I didn't think you'd come," he said softly.
"Yeah, well, I'm here," I mumbled. He knew I'd do anything he asked, I always had.
He closed the door behind me and put his hands on my shoulders, tugging on my coat.
"I'm not staying long, don't bother." I buttoned my coat closed, pretending the wool could somehow shield me from the pain he was about to inflict on me.
"You look good, Edward," Emmett said, his voice empty.
Not good enough. "Thanks. So, congratulations." My eyes wandered around the room, spying a photo on the mantle. "Is that her?"
"Yes." He brushed past me and picked up the picture. "She's looking forward to meeting you."
"Bullshit." I took the frame he held out. She was pretty, of that there was no doubt. Equally clear was how much he loved her. He stood behind her, his arms wrapped around her tiny waist, the dimples formed by his smile dug deep wells in his cheeks. I handed the picture back, fighting the urge to trace his image with my finger. "You two make a lovely couple. I wish you all the best."
He set the photo down, then slid a rough finger under my chin, pulling it up to his. "No, you don't."
I shook my face out of his grasp, my skin tingling where he'd touched me. "Fuck you. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy." My feet carried me to the door, but he was faster, holding it closed with his bear-like palm. "What, now? I don't have anything else to say to you."
"Then just listen." He waited until I let go of the doorknob before continuing. "I know how hard it was for you to come back, but I didn't want to leave before I could tell you that I knew you never stopped…loving me. I love you too, you know? I just can't…not the way you deserve."
The swirls and lines in the grainy hardwood floor held my gaze, but couldn't stop the tear that rolled down my cheek. "Yeah well, it doesn't really matter now, does it?"
He cleared his throat, but his voice still cracked. "Yes, it does. I need to know that you won't give up – that you'll keep looking for the one who can give you everything I can't." His hand came up to my cheek, and after a second's hesitation, he wiped away the tear with his thumb. "It's not like I didn't try to be what you needed."
"I know," I whispered, remembering that afternoon, years ago, when his lips touched mine. The happiest moment in my life had lasted for only a second before he'd pulled away, and I'd seen the fear, the disappointment in his eyes. That's when I knew he'd never be for me, and I'd left the next day for college, never to face him again. At least that was the plan.
He pulled me into a hug now, his musky aftershave ambrosia in my nose. "There's someone out there for you who's much better than me." His warm breath on my ear caused a stirring in my jeans, and I shifted, trying to hide how he affected me. The movement only reminded me that I didn't have the same effect on him. "I do have one question, though."
I recognized the tone; Emmett always used that statement as a disclaimer before asking something personal. He didn't let me go, though, and I selfishly took this last opportunity to rest my head on his shoulder as I satisfied his curiosity. "Lemme guess. Is it all guys for me, or just you?"
He chuckled. "You always could read my mind. Yeah."
"I guess I know how you'd answer that question." I really should consider myself lucky that Emmett hadn't just pounded me into the ground when I'd finally gotten up the guts to hint at how I felt about him.
It'd happened a month to the day after my parents' funeral. I was just seventeen when they died, leaving me alone. My aunt and uncle lived in town and volunteered to take me in, keeping me close to everything, especially Emmett. He'd been there all through the ordeal, at the funeral, helping to move to the Cullens, staying with me as I sorted through my parents' things. I'd known for a while that my affection for him was more than gratitude, and on the last day in my folks' house I tried to tell him.
"I guess that's it," he said, closing box in front of him. I held it closed so he could tape it shut, then he looked at my pile. "You want me to do that one, too?"
"In a sec." I reached into the last box and took out a tiny metal replica of the Space Needle. It was a five-dollar souvenir, but had meant so much to my parents. I held it out to him, my hand trembling. "I want you to have this."
Emmett took the trinket and examined it. "That's cool, Edward. This was your mom's?"
"Yeah, it was really special to her. To both her and Dad, actually." I held my breath, not sure if I really wanted him to ask the obvious question or not.
He did. "Why?"
I'd come up with this twisted way of showing him my feelings the week before, and hadn't slept since. I knew that chances were good he'd never speak to me again after hearing my answer, but all the poets said that love was worth the risk. So I took the leap. "It reminded them of the day they went to the Needle together. That was the day they told each other that…that…" No, I couldn't do it. "Never mind, it's kinda dumb, anyway." I folded the box flaps down.
Emmett didn't speak as he taped it shut, not even while we loaded the boxes into his car. It wasn't until after we'd gotten back to my aunt and uncle's and gotten everything into the garage that he finally looked at me, and it wasn't until he was at his car, ready to leave, that he spoke. I was sure it would be to say goodbye, for good this time.
"Listen, I'm really touched by the gift. You know that you're closer than a brother to me, but I need a little time to think through this." There was no judgment in his words; he'd obviously spent the silence choosing them very carefully. "Would you wait for me?" Then he'd put his hand on my shoulder, his finger just touching the skin on my neck.
I swallowed, amazed that he was even considering returning the affection I felt for him. "Of course, Em." I barely stopped the exceptionally corny 'I'll always wait for you' from spilling out of my mouth. "Thanks for not laughing."
"I'd never laugh at you, Edward." He chucked me on the shoulder and got in the car. "I'll call you, promise."
He never did laugh, but other than that one experimental kiss a year later, he never could show his love for me in any substantial way, either. Even now, he nodded and released me, our hug having grown too close for his comfort. "Well?" he asked, his dimples showing as he smiled.
"Truthfully, I've tried both, and anatomy doesn't really make that much of a difference to me. It's what's in here that counts." I carefully laid my hand over his heart, not surprised it beat much more slowly than the pounding in my chest. "Maybe if you'd been a girl, things'd been different."
"Or if you'd been one," he said, taking my hand and shifting his grip to a handshake. "But you still haven't promised."
He did care – I couldn't deny that. All he wanted was for me to find what he had. Emmett just couldn't understand that I already had, and he was standing there, scowling at me.
This would be my wedding gift to him. "I promise. I'll keep looking for 'the one.'" I emphasized the words by curling my fingers in the air in front of him.
"That's all I wanted to hear." He hugged me again, and didn't flinch when I pressed my face against his stubbled neck.
"Goodbye, Emmett," I whispered. I love you.
"Take care, Edward."
I'd told myself I wasn't going to the ceremony, but I did, arriving after the bride had taken her place, standing in the shadows at the back of the church. If he saw me, he didn't show it; when the pastor gave his permission for the bride and groom to kiss, I turned and left. He was gone, and with him, my heart.
I found a seat under some trees outside the church, too upset to drive. When the crowd streamed out, I put my head on my knees, hiding my tears.
"It was a lovely ceremony, wasn't it?" a soft voice asked.
I opened my eyes, but didn't lift my head, realizing that the sound belonged to the pair of black pumps standing in front of me. I just shrugged.
"Emmett and Rosalie really are made for each other."
I had no idea who this woman was, but I was starting to hate her. "Yeah, sure." Now go away.
"I introduced them, you know." She sat on a rock next to me. "It was kind of funny, actually. I'd asked Emmett out for dinner with my friends, but wouldn't you know it, he took one look at Rose, and left me high and dry."
I know the feeling. "Funny," I said, definitely despising this woman.
"Are you going to the reception?" What did she care?
"No," I said at the ground.
She didn't say anything, and I assumed she left. The cars slowly filtered out of the parking lot, but I still didn't move. I had nowhere to go.
One last couple walked by. "Are you okay?" someone said.
"We're fine, thanks." She was still here, just sitting there. When we were alone, she stood. "Would you like to get a coffee with me?"
Who was this woman? Curiosity got the best of me, and I wiped my face as I looked up at her, ready to send her back to what ever God-forsaken place she'd come from. I wanted to scream at her, but settled for a terse "Listen, I'm not in the mood for…" I stopped, frozen by her gaze. "…coffee," I finished lamely.
Her eyes pulled me in, warm pools of molten fudge, sweet, tempting. Her smile faded, and I felt like I deserved some kind of punishment for my callousness. "Sorry, I just thought…" she mumbled and turned away.
I jumped up. "No, I'm, well, it's just that…" Don't let her go, a new voice in my head screamed. "I'm actually hungry. How about some dinner?" As soon as the words were out, I slapped my forehead. It's only four o'clock, jackass.
Her face lit up like the sun. "That would be great. I missed lunch." Her cheeks pinked as she held out her hand. "I'm Bella."
Bella. The pain in my heart gave way to a new warmth as I repeated her name to myself. Maybe Emmett was right. And though I loved him even more, the feeling changed, seeming to move over to make space in my heart.
"I'm Edward." Her hand was soft in mine, but caught my breath at her touch. It was more than pleasurable, it was…forever. "Shall we?"
Her rough reply told me that she'd felt it too. "Y-Yes."
I invited her to my car, opened the door and helped her get in. As I reluctantly released her fingers, she looked up at me with a heart-stopping smile on her face. "You know, I almost didn't come today. I kind of had a crush on Emmett once."
She jumped when the laugh exploded out of me. You and me both. "I'm pretty sure he's off the market."
"Yes, I believe you're right." The corners of her mouth curled up. "Are you?"
"Actually, yes," I said, unable to hide my smile. Her expression fell, and she slid her foot out of the car. "As of twenty minutes ago."
"Twenty minutes?" She looked back to where we'd been sitting, and her lips curled up again. "Alright then," she said and pulled her seat belt on.
I closed her door, looking back at the church as I walked around the car. Emmett and Rosalie had just emerged and were being loaded into a limo. After the bride disappeared, Emmett glance at me warily.
My hand rose automatically, giving him a thumbs up. I could finally, truly, congratulate him.
His eyebrows rose, curious, and I flashed the 'call you' sign before jumping in. He watched as I circled past, his jaw dropping when Bella waved from the passenger seat. He wagged a finger at me. "I told you so," he mouthed.
Yes, you did. I blew him a kiss in response, and watched him roll his eyes before I set my hand on Bella's. Yes, you did.