A/N : CRACKFIC born from chat conversations with Tazmy.
In the beginning….
It's the first thing they hear over the com. "I'm holding a gun to the Colonel's head. Either let me go with this jumper or I will pull the trigger." Rodney puts the gun on the jumper panel and winks at Sheppard who is sitting in the pilot's seat quite unrestrained.
Sheppard mouths back, "What are you doing?"
Rodney whispers, "Just play along." He sets up his datapad on the jumper's console.
He's scrolling through a few programs when Carter contacts them in an attempt to diffuse the 'situation'.
"Rodney, let's talk about this."
There is a pause before the hostage-taking scientist speaks. "Nothing to talk about. Just do what I say and no one gets hurt.
"First of all, I want a dozen donuts and five chocolate chip cookies and a ZPM."
He presses one of the shiny buttons on the console silencing the communication link from their end and looks at Sheppard's surprised face, "What? I'm hungry." He rolls his eyes and pouts. "Scheming reaaaaally makes me ravenous and I don't want to collapse before my plan is complete."
Carter's office –
Carter looks at the other people assembled - Ronon, Teyla, Keller and Radek - as she speaks into the intercom, "Sorry, Ronon ate the last donut."
Puddlejumper with a crazed scientist -
Rodney is not surprised that the mammoth has eaten them all. He presses the com button. "Look, just get me the ZPM then and hurry. I'm desperate, crazed, and not afraid to kill. Just ask Sheppard."
Sheppard arches an eyebrow as he plays along, "Um...yeah, he's crazy alright."
0o0o0o0o0o
Carter's office –
Carter's not too sure why Rodney's doing this but there is no way she's giving up their ZPM. Radek and a few of the other scientists are trying to get her access to the jumper bay but Rodney's put a few stumbling blocks in their way in the form of programs. This wasn't a spur of the moment hostage taking.
What could she say to get him to stop – short of going on a date? "Look, you know we can't let you go and you can't have the ZPM. Who will finish the repairs to the desalination tanks? After all, you are the only one who truly knows how they work."
Zelenka mumbles under his breath as he attempts to stop the jumper from escaping, "What am I chopped liver?"
Puddlejumper -
Rodney doesn't reply to Carter's ego stroking. And Sheppard notes he doesn't look very impressed either.
Carter's office -
At this point Carter realizes maybe she should have gone with the food rather than the ego. "But, the cookies I can do."
"With frosting?" The answer gives her hope.
Ronon blurts out, "They come with frosting?"
Puddlejumper with a cookie crazed scientist -
Sheppard presses the com button off again and stares at the not-so-evil-but-is-pretending-to-be-evil-genius, "Wait, this is about cookies? You're holding me hostage for cookies?"
Rodney shrugs, "Low blood sugar level. Anyway, I was bored waiting."
Sheppard isn't sure what is really going on but he's decided to go for the ride to make sure the scientist is safe. That is until they come back to Atlantis.
Rodney turns to the jumper panel in front of him and presses a few buttons on his datapad putting the finishing touches to his escape program. "Let's get this show on the road." He nods to Sheppard. "Start it up"
o0o0o0o0o
Atlantis control room -
Chuck pops his head into their room; even though the noise is a clue enough and states, "The gate's just activated."
As they exit Carter's office they have just enough time to see the back end of jumper disappearing through the wormhole.
Meanwhile on the Daeadalus –
Out in space, Caldwell has been monitoring the jumper-hostage situation. He's hoping that Sheppard and Rodney will not come back and this is a permanent solution to his problem. After all, he hates being in space all the time and a desk job on Atlantis would be good.
Caldwell rubs his hands in glee at the thought. One of new technicians stares at the motion but the commander of the Daedalus casually replies, "Dry hands. Have to moisturise them all the time."
The technician nods reluctantly and wonders how long it is, before being in space is too long.
Back in Carter's office -
Carter, Radek, Ronon, Teyla and Lorne are shut away in the meeting room going over all the evidence trying to find out why Rodney would do something like this.
At that moment Carter wonders how long Rodney's been planning this escape so asks Radek to access his computer.
Zelenka hacks into Rodney's personal files muttering, "Yes, yes. His schedule says 'steal jumper' between meetings at 1200 and 1400."
Ronon is lost in thought wondering what went so wrong. "Would it help if I made some cookies with frosting?"
Teyla shushes him. "I don't think it was the cookies."
Radek and Carter quickly scan through the files leaving the others to their own thoughts. Looking through Rodney's calendar they come across some vital information; something important enough for Radek to swear at and Carter to roll her eyes.
Out in space –
Sheppard is looking at Rodney with new eyes. "A vacation? You did all of this for time out?!?"
"I'll have you know that I haven't had any real time off in," Rodney casually looks at his watch, "three years. I put in a requisition and if Carter can't remember to look at the emails I send her then it's her fault."
"Emails? You mean in all the two hundred and fifty emails you send her in a day you asked for vacation time!?!"
"Yeah, months ago. And when she didn't reply I knew I had to do something about it."
Sheppard leans back into the chair and smirks, "Then you do realize that Teyla and Ronon will be pissed with you when we get back? They haven't had any vacation time either."
Rodney cringes and presses himself into the jumper chair, "Um, I hadn't factored that into my plan."
The end.