A Reason

SONGFIC! OMG! I JUST WROTE A SONGFIC! I can't believe it... go me? It's not very good, but hey! Hiei has some thoughts about Kurama and some things that happened recently. There's a few little pokes of fun in each chapter, a little bit of Hiei OOC, and some words I probably shouldn't have used but couldn't resist... ;P Heh, 'smexy'... Oh yeah, it's sorta Hiei POV... We certainly get to poke inside his head a lot... anyway, I'm sure you're all thinking, 'Why can't she shut the hell up and get to the damn fic', so here ya go. I idn't really know what categories to put this in, so just think it's really humour/angst/romance.

Disclaimer: HK-chan does not own YYH, or Hoobastank, or the song, or the word 'smexy', even if she wishes she did.

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

Hiei sat back, looking up at the stars. They weren't what he was thinking of though. No, his entire mind was occupied with thoughts of a certain foxy redhead, and the last time they met. Hiei had made some blunt comment on how useless humans were, even Yusuke was technically a demon. He knew at once that he had upset Kurama by the momentary flash of sadness in his bright green eyes, and wished he had kept his mouth shut. Of course, Kurama didn't say anything. He never did. And that just made it worse. Lately, Hiei had been doing a lot of thinking. Thinking about Kurama, and some of the things he himself had said and done. In short, Hiei was trying to change.

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

Hiei had a lot of scars in his heart, and a lot of bad experiences in his past. But recently he had begun to notice how the scars in his heart seemed to heal over when he was around the fox, especially when Kurama was smiling at him. Of course, those smiles were usually a little sad. Kurama rarely ever looked truly happy in Hiei's presence, and Hiei blamed himself. He hadn't gotten up the courage to tell the fox yet, but Hiei was practicing being nice to humans, only when none of the team were around, of course. He had managed to get the snappy note out of his voice, and could at least fake a passable smile. Hiei had been a little surprised at how often the human females at least seemed to smile, and they always seemed to giggle when he was talking to them. But Hiei was learning.

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear

Not all the scars in Hiei's heart had come from other people's cruelty. He had always been plagued by nightmares, but recently, they were changing. Instead of reflecting his own pain from the past, a new dream was haunting his sleep. The time he had first fought with Yusuke. The time he had accidentally stabbed Kurama. At the time, he hadn't really understood why Kurama taking his death blow had stabbed at his heart. His first thought was 'Would Kurama live?' Not only had the fox taken the blow, but he had also betrayed Hiei, throwing his own blood to blind the Jagan eye. That betrayal had stung at the time, but now, reliving it in dreams, it seemed about to tear out his heart and shred it. He wouldn't have believed it possible, before. But, of course, now, Hiei had realised that he loved Kurama.

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4

If he had had any other problem with Kurama, Hiei would have dealt with it in his usual way. That is to say, by charging at it and trying to kill it. Hiei is usually very brave, but, for some reason, he was now a little afraid. Kurama was the most beautiful and perfect creature Hiei had ever seen, and Hiei knew he would do anything to gain the fox's approval. But he was also a little afraid that Kurama wouldn't understand, or worse, would hate him for it. But the main problem was... Hiei knew he wasn't perfect. He was nothing like the beautiful, kind, elegant, graceful, gentle, understanding, caring, reassuring, gorgeous, smexy angel Kurama was. But now he was trying his very best to change, to become more like the generous and friendly Kurama. This was very hard for him, because Hiei isn't a naturally... fluffy person. Try as he might, Hiei couldn't find the problems of humans interesting. But he would try, because Hiei would gladly rip his heart out for Kurama.

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

The fact still remained, though, that over the time they had known each other, Hiei had done many things that hurt or upset his beautiful fox. He wasn't sure Kurama would forgive him for those times, and even though he said he had, Hiei didn't believe he deserved it. He didn't deserve Kurama's forgiveness, and that was the deciding factor. Hiei knew he didn't deserve someone as special as Kurama. Even if it was just an accident, Hiei wasn't able to forgive himself. He had never before experienced being trusted, and it was a good feeling. However, it also cut at him that he had tried very hard to hurt or kill all the people who now called him a friend, and trusted him. Including Kurama. Especially Kurama. And that's why Hiei decided what he had to do. He must go, and apologize. It wasn't something he had ever considered before, but he had learned from the humans, and it was probably the thing to do under the circumstances. It would be hard for him, but much easier than the part that came next. Hiei was going to tell Kurama how he felt. And run away.

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

It was very late now, or maybe it should be called early, because already the stars were beginning to hide, and the first lights of dawn were beginning to peek over the horizon. Hiei turned his back to the hues of pink stealing across the sky, and shut his eyes. He didn't really care for the sunrise, preferring the fiery glory of sunset. However, he recalled overhearing Kurama telling Yusuke how sunrise was his favourite time of day, because of the softer colours and quiet beauty of the sky. Hiei supposed that was the biggest sign of difference between them, that Kurama preferred the gentle birth of a new day, and Hiei preferred to watch the sun go down in flames as the day died messily, the occasional splash of deep red in the clouds. Hiei turned back, and watched as the sun rose, his thoughts once again on the angelic Kurama. As he watched, Hiei tried to appreciate the serenity, the calm, and beauty of the sunrise, trying to be more like his fox. Unfortunately, Hiei couldn't help but compare it with the sharper colours of sunset, and found the rising sun wanting. Hiei was a little depressed by this, because it only seemed to prove that he could never be like Kurama. Hiei was not delicate.

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

Hiei searched the city for most of the day, until he eventually found his three teammates together by an ice cream stand. He wasn't sure that that was a good sign or a bad one, but he did have to talk to all of them anyway. He waited for them to leave before he made his presence known. Kuwabara snorted, glaring contemptuously at Hiei.
"Hey look, it's the Shorty!" Hiei forced himself not to stab the idiot, and managed to keep his expression in check.
"Good afternoon, Kuwabara." No amount of will power could force Hiei to smile at that person, so instead he turned to Yusuke."Hello Yusuke." Now, though, he couldn't hold back his smile. The look on Yusuke's face was pure, priceless gold, cast in the shape of a smiley with its tongue sticking out. Kuwabara had recovered from his shock by now, and was now looking at Hiei, half amused, half proud, and, as ever, half stupid. That's three halves, but if we don't tell Kuwa, he won't notice that he's more than one person now.
"Wow, Hiei smiled! I'd pat you on the head, short stuff, but I can't reach that low!" Hiei glared internally, but managed to keep his outward expression steady.'I'll cut your legs off...' He didn't say anything either, instead turning to Kurama and offering a tentative smile.
"Hi, Kurama." Kurama looked surprised to, but then he smiled back, a genuinely happy expression that made Hiei's heart melt.
"Hello to you too, Hiei." Something very unusual was happening to Hiei. All the blood in his body seemed to be redirecting itself to his cheeks. (For those non-fluent in Hiei-ese, he's blushing). He shook down the impulse, momentarily unable to meet his friends' eyes.
"I just wanted to tell you all... I'm sorry for trying to kill you and stuff... and being such a dick all the time." The others were now watching with various expressions of shock, and Hiei couldn't suppress another small smile. But now the really hard part was coming... Hiei turned to Kurama, and, as always, the glory of the beautiful fox completely overshadowed everything around him. As always, Hiei momentarily forgot what he was doing to just stare at Kurama, before shaking himself back to reality. Kurama smiled at him, and Hiei almost drifted again.
"What is it, Hiei?"
"Uh... I needed to tell you... whenever I'm around you... I don't feel so, I guess, depressed and violent. You make me feel... more complete inside, like most of my past never happened, and I'm really sorry I couldn't be a better friend. I tried changing, these past few months, but I've realised it's hopeless. I'm not like you, Kurama... and I don't think I ever can be. So I have one last thing to say before I say goodbye, and you may or may not like it. I love you, Kurama, and I think I always will. I'm sorry." Hiei turned away, not catching the shocked-yet-delighted look on Kurama's face, and the I-told-you-so-bitch look on Yusuke's face. Kuwabara was busy being in shock. Kurama reached out and put a hand on Hiei's shoulder just as the shorter thief was about to leave.
"Hiei... I'm actually glad you're not like me. That would be much less interesting." Yusuke snickered, hands on his hips.
"Yeah, it would suck ass if Hiei didn't tell us all to go die at least once a week!" Hiei blushed a little, but Kurama wasn't finished, and he spun Hiei around to face him.
"And as for the part about you loving me... you have no idea how long I've wanted to hear you say that." Hiei stared up at Kurama, the most adorable look of shock on his face.
"Wha-" Kurama grinned at the black-haired demon, and Yusuke snickered in the background.
"Just kiss him already Kurama!" Kurama complied, pulling Hiei close to him and flipping Yusuke off at the same time.

THE END! Wow, long for a song fic... BWAHAHAHAHA, I drew a picky of the shocked look on Hiei's face, and oh my god, it's ADORABLE! Even cuter than in vol. 3 of the manga when he stabbed Kurama, and that little 'oh, shit' look. That's just cute... :) Anyway, love it, hate it, want a muffin, R&R! Tell me, I care! Now I want a muffin too...