Title: Vampire Puppet Pals- Dracula
Author's Note:
About a year ago I took a vampire class, and this is the script I wrote for our final project (which turned out to be so utterly ridiculous as to apparently be deserving of full points. Beats me ^^). It's a very (VERY) loose adaptation of Bram Stoker's Dracula (and the Nosferatu movies). We recorded it as a puppet show – unsurprisingly based off of the Potter Puppet Pals. The links for the puppet show can be found on my profile page for anyone interested in viewing it.
Disclaimer: General plot takes after Dracula and the Nosferatu movies, and I've pilfered a few lines from Neil Cicierega's Potter Puppet Pals (and possibly in the process J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series.) Nothing really belongs to me other than the horribly cheesy and nonsensical writing.
General Character Descriptions:
Mina's stuffy and full of herself (like Potter), Lucy's a shy girl, and smitten with Harker. Harker's a bit loony, and hotheaded. Dracula's a weird cross between Snape and Voldemort. Renfield's just plain barmy, and worships Dracula. Van Helsing just sort of floats around, like old Dumbly.
For your sheer enjoyment, hilarity, or boredom I now present the Vampire Puppet Pals: Dracula
Please feel free to comment or critique by leaving a review.
-Pip Black
SCENE 1
They're already in London, and Dracula just moved over.
*like beginning of wizarding swears*
Lucy and Mina: giggle giggle gossip gossip
Harker: Hey girls, have you heard? There's a new guy moving in.
Lucy and Mina: (noises of surprise) Really? Where? I didn't know there was a free house available.
Harker: Yeah, that decrepit old building over there.
Lucy and Mina: Oooooooo… where is he?
Harker: He's-
Dracula: Good Evening. I am Count Dracula!
Lucy: Oh my.
Mina: Damn he's sexy!
Harker: sigh (would slap forehead but can't move arms, I presume)
Dracula: Why thank you! You're not that bad yourself. (turns to Lucy) You, though, are delectable. Pray tell, what's your name?
Lucy: I uh….Lucy?
Mina: Nooooooo!
Harker: She's taken already!
Dracula: Oh really? By a little whelp like you?
Harker: Yes! Wait…
Dracula: *Evil cackle.*We shall see how deserving you are soon, little boy. Come Renfield! Let us depart!
Aside from everyone else…
Renfield: Oh master how delightful HEHE! a nice English specimen if I do say so myself! HEHEHE!
Dracula: I'd prefer if you didn't say actually. Bad mental pictures. Back to the subject! I need a PLAN!
Renfield: Oh but that's easy master. Offer her something precious to you and be …you know. Romantic. HEHE.
Dracula: What use is that? I could just bite her!
Renfield: *sigh* suit yourself, master. Well you really should be going after her
Dracula: But it's only been 2 minutes!
Renfield: hmm yes HEHE. It shows determination! off you go HEHE! (shoves Dracula off screen) Poor chap doesn't know how to use his vampire charms…how sad.. HEHE! Oh, a spider! How delightful!
SCENE 2
Lucy: Lalalalala Lalalalala…
Dracula appears behind her.
Lucy: hmm Jonathan? (turns around) Wha- Your're not Jonathan!
Dracula: *evil cackle* Why no, I'm not!
Lucy: well what are you doing here?
Dracula: erm…well Lucy, darling, I couldn't stop thinking about you-
Lucy: But we've only met 2 minutes ago.
Dracula: Time is irrelevant in matters of love, darling. Besides, it shows determination.
Lucy: *squeaks* Love? But I love Jonathan!
Dracula: *dry laugh* Yes, well, it won't last too long. Besides, I have so much more to offer! I can teach you how to bottle fame and brew glory, even put a stopper in death.
Lucy: Oh my. It sounds familiar…
Dracula: Nevermind that. (steps closer) I can teach you the secrets of mystical fluids unknown and enchanted juice…
Lucy: That sounds sickeningly wrong somehow…
Dracula: Well? What do you say? Will you love me?
Lucy: No! Get away or I'll pepper-spray you!
Dracula: Damn. I was sure that would work. (mutters) Renfield you're a dead hunchback when I get to you.
Lucy: (runs away, possibly hurling insults)
Dracula: Oh! A chase! (yelling) Coming my sweet! I knew she'd reconsider…
SCENE 3
(Next day)
Harker: Lucy dear I – AAAAARRRRGHHHAAA! (girly scream)
Mina: What? What happened?!
Harker: B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-blooooooood…
Mina: Oh shut up you wussie. Well, we'd better get Van Helsing to look at her…
Van Helsing: You called?
Harker: Why yes doctor I'm feeling rather unwell. I-
Mina: Harker shut up! (to doctor) Fix her!
Van Helsing: Hmm… let's see here… pale skin, dilated pupils, minor bleeding from two puncture wounds on the neck, light shivering… I do believe it's the flu.
Mina: (slaps forehead if she can) That's preposterous! She's bleeding and-
Harker: I brought soup! It's garlic, Lucy's favorite!
Van Helsing: Perfect, my boy! Now just spoon it in…oh my.
Harker: What's wrong?
Van Helsing: Oh nothing nothing, just admiring her impeccably long teeth. Go on now…
Lucy: (starts having a seizure)
Mina: now what?!
Van Helsing: She's having a seizure! Quick, bring the cross so we may pray!
Mina: But you're a man of science! Give her drugs dammit!
Van Helsing: I'm afraid it's too late for that, my dear…I can get her a Band-Aid though…
Harker: I could only find a crucifix, Doctor. I hope that's allright.
Van Helsing: Perfect my boy. Now we must pray. Place the crucifix on her neck, if you will…
Harker: um Doctor…
Mina: She's DEAD! You killed her!
Van Helsing: Oh my…hmm perhaps this potion would have helped after all. I'm so sorry for your loss. You will invite me to the funeral won't you?
Harker: Oh yes!
Mina: I suppose. We'll have it straight away, at twilight.
Van Helsing: Perfect! I shall see you there!
SCENE 4
At the funeral...
Van Helsing: Poor lass, she was quite nice. I shall miss her.
Harker: *sobs* Luuuuuuuuucy!!!
Mina: it's so very sad *sniff* … I wonder if I'll get a chance with that Dracula character now…
Harker: *still sobs* Whyyyyyyyyyyy?
Van Helsing: Well children, it's best we leave now, before it gets too dark. Leave the dead to their rest and all that, you know…
Mina: (leading Harker out) Yes yes, you're right.
(they all turn to leave)
Lucy: CREEEAAAAAK (getting out of coffin)
Mina: What the fu-
Harker: Lucy my love!
Lucy: Jonathan!
Van Helsing: Restrain him! (to Lucy) Back you fiend!
Harker: Hey, that's my undead fiancée you're talking to! Show some respect, will ya?
Van Helsing: Quickly, we must skedaddle and congregate in your living room. Make haste, younglings!
In living room…
Mina: So what was that?
Harker: That was my Lucy! LUUUCY!! (shouts out window)
Van Helsing: Do shut up, lad. I'm trying to think.
Mina: of what?
Van Helsing: oh…. nothing much… beheading techniques, arson methods… this and that.
Harker: Doctor, enough of this. What's going on?
Van Helsing: I'm afraid, my boy, that Lucy has sold her soul to the devil-
Lucy: (in distance) No I didn't he stole it!
Van Helsing: and we must set her free by horribly mutilating her undead corpse and making sure she will never rise again.
Mina: That sounds horribly gruesome.
Van Helsing: indeed. It is the curse of life. Well, we'd best be off!… we have a vampire staking to do before sunrise.
Harker: *sobs*
Mina: Oh shut up Harker, you're going with him.
SCENE 5
Back in the graveyard (or outside the house if it's easier with the set)…
Harker and Van Helsing: Lucy! Luuuuuuucy!
Renfield: (appears from behind and bonks Van Helsing on the head)
Van Helsing: *faints*
Harker: (turns around) Doctor? Are you- Lucy my love!
Lucy: Oh Jonathan!
Harker: (moves closer) Oh I've missed you! (kisses) wait- pointy fangs! No no no this is wrong!
Lucy: what?
Harker: Well you're a bloodsucking menace now. I'm supposed to be killing you.
Lucy: But Jonathan I love you! And anyway, do I look like a bloodsucking menace to you?
Harker: well a little…
Lucy: well ignore it!... It's only your imagination darling. Now, do you love me?
Harker: I well…YES!
Lucy: Then shut up and kiss me you bloody fool!
Harker: well alright-
Van Helsing: STOP! Stoooop! This is no time for kissing!
Lucy: dammit he's awake!
Van Helsing: Step back my dear boy. It's time to kill her.
Lucy: What? Why?
Van Helsing: It's in the script. Now kindly stand still, I really do have to kill you now. So very sorry…
Lucy: But I'm already dead!
Van Helsing: all the better! You'll hardly feel it, I'm sure…
Harker: Hardly feel it?! Hardly feel it my arse! You're gonna shove a stick in her heart. How's she not gonna feel that?
Van Helsing: With a lot of relaxation I would presume. Now hold still just a tad more.
Lucy: I resent that you know! *huffs*
Harker: I won't let you do this! Bother!
Van Helsing: (falls unconscious again)
Renfield: Oh well thanks HEHE I was going to have to hit him again…
Harker: Who the bloody hell are you?
Renfield: Renfield, at your service. *bows* HEHE! now the pretty dame must come with me, I'm afraid. Master wished it. We're to go into hiding HEHE!
Harker: But Lucy, when will I see you again?
Lucy: I don't know Jonathan. (is being dragged away) I love you! I'll wait for you!
Harker: I swear I'll come after you Lucy! Now I've got to drag the doctor home…hmm…
SCENE 6
Back in living room...
Harker: (Drags Van Helsing in)
Mina: I take it you couldn't do it?
Harker: *sigh* no, we couldn't.
Van Helsing: (coming around) What happened, m'boy?
Harker: she killed herself.
Mina: but-
Van Helsing: really? That's quite convenient.
Harker: isn't it though?
Mina: but you-
Van Helsing: yes well, one down, one to go I suppose.
Mina: but- wait, what?
Van Helsing: Count Dracula, of course!
Harker: He's the vampire? I'll kill him!
Van Helsing: that's the spirit!
Mina: I think we've lost the plot somewhere…
Van Helsing: No no it's quite elementary my dear. You see I noticed the Count had an odd appearance – pale skin and sharp teeth like our dear Lucy did before death took her. It's quite peculiar that she died the day after the Count moved in, isn't it? And after showing so much interest in her too…well he must be the vampire!
Mina: you can put all that together but still diagnosed Lucy with the flu? You're barmy!
Van Helsing: Yes, quite. It makes life interesting, I find. Now, we shall need some weapons-
Harker: Like what? Do we really have to stake them?
Van Helsing: yes, now-
Harker: But I don't want to! Isn't there another way? A way to lure them in or something?
Mina: Now there's an idea…hmm
Van Helsing: Of course there is! But it's not fun doing it the easy way! We must work for it! Now, get the weapons and we shall meet back here in an hour! (goes off stage)
SCENE 7
Mina: well that was enlightening.
Harker: really?y
Mina: no! Wait- stop distracting me! Why did you tell the Doctor that Lucy was dead?
Harker: well she is dead, really..
Mina: *slaps Harker*
Harker: Ow! Alright fine! I'm going to rescue her! She's gone into hiding now, so she's safe from Van Helsing but I'll find her and we'll run away together!
Mina: pff..and how do you propose to do that, if she's in hiding and all?
Harker: er…well I'll figure it out! And I'm leaving right now, so don't come looking for me!
Mina: mmmkay. Try not to die unintentionally, will you?
Harker: I'll do my best! *pauses* I didn't know you cared!
Mina: I don't, but that would be quite sad for the story
Harker: right. Well I'm off! (leaves)
SCENE 8
Mina: well, what can I entertain myself with now? Oh! Van Helsing said there was a way to attract vampires… hmm.
Van Helsing: (returns) Where's Harker?
Mina: He fell off a cliff.
Van Helsing: oh the tragedy. Well I suppose there's nothing for it. Now, about the hunt..
Mina: actually Doctor, I was thinking we should each try a different method. You said there was a way to attract vampires?
Van Helsing: why yes! It's ancient, passed down in legends you're too young to know.
Mina: oh poo. Wait, you're obscenely old aren't you?
Van Helsing: why yes!
Mina: do you know it then?
Van Helsing: well I suppose if I think about it... some tea would help..
Mina: don't push your luck, old man.
Van Helsing: ah! It's coming back! Yes yes, it requires a virginal sacrifice that will enrapture the vampire until sunrise. Then he'll be burned by the sun and die a horribly painful death. But where to find someone foolish enough to sacrifice themselves?
Mina: I'll do it!
Van Helsing: Brilliant, my dear! Well just go lay down there and I'm sure he'll come eventually. Now I really must be off. Ta ta!
Mina: wait, where are you going then?
Van Helsing: well I thought I'd try to chase him to you. Then I suppose I'll go have that nice cup of tea…
Mina: right, well go on then. Don't dally!
SCENE 9
Mina: …….so I'm just supposed to sit here? But that's boring! He'd better not take too long!
(Waits 5 seconds)
Dracula: (comes in)
Mina: finally!
Dracula: what? Oh damn there's someone here. I was just passing though, be out in a jiffy
Mina: oh nonononono you're not going anywhere! I've finally got you!
Dracula: hmm. I must've missed something.
Mina: oh shut up and take me away from here Count Dracula! I can't stand it anymore!
Dracula: can't stand what?
Mina: I'm in love with you!
Dracula: hmm well…that's a plot twister. I suppose it can't hurt.
Mina: yes yes, quickly now. The old fool thinks I'm sacrificing myself to kill you.
Dracula: how delightful.
(I lost the plot again didn't I?)
Mina: Yes well I don't want to die, I want to escape! But before we go, I want a kiss.
Dracula: What's in it for me?
Mina: I'll shut up afterwards.
Dracula: Perfect! (snog)
SCENE 10
Van Helsing comes in only to find them snogging…
Van Helsing: Mina! I've done it, he went in the house. Did it work- What are you doing?!?!?
Mina: aw crap.
Van Helsing: You're supposed to be sacrificing yourself to kill him! Not-not…snogging the life out of him!
Mina: hmm yes well I've decided not to kill him. You can't make me!
Dracula: heh heh heh. The vampire charms do work!
Van Helsing: nonononono! This won't do! You're a traitor and he's a fiend! I'm afraid I'll have to lock you two up.
Mina: what?
Dracula: How does that make sense?
Van Helsing: well it'll stop you from escaping before the sun rises. Come now, get in there. (drags them to prison door and shoves them in. turns to leave but finds door closed.)
Van Helsing: oh dear.
SCENE 11
Mina: You've locked us all in you barmy old bat!
Van Helsing: hey, he's the bat, not me!
Harker: Hey, what are you guys doing here?
Mina: Harker? What in the bloody-
Van Helsing: Stay back you scoundrel or I'll stake you!
Harker: but I'm not a vampire!
Van Helsing: don't play games! Mina told me you fell off a cliff.
Harker: Yes, well I'm not dead!
Mina: Nevermind that! What are you doing here???
Dracula: What am I doing here?
Harker: um well, I found her in the decrepit old building, but the police caught me trespassing and locked me in here.
Mina: you're a failure.
Harker: at least I found her!
Dracula: found who?
Mina and Harker: Lucy!
Van Helsing: Lucy? I thought she was dead.
Harker: she is dead! In that undead type of way..
Van Helsing: oh my..
Mina: what an utter crap hiding place. I mean really if you're a vampire on the run why hide in the only decrepit old building in town?
Dracula: Hey, I resent that!
Mina: sorry, luv.
SCENE 12
In prison where they wait to be rescued…
Harker: well what do we do now?
Van Helsing: why, wait to be rescued of course.
Harker: Wait? With a vampire locked in with us? Are you mad?
Mina: well there's not much else to do now is there?
Dracula: you could always sacrifice yourself to save the others from my hunger…
Harker: no!
Renfield: master? Is that you? HEHE
Dracula: Renfield! It's about time!
Mina: who's he?
Van Helsing: an evil sidekick I would presume. Hunchback and all
Dracula: he's my real estate agent.
Van Helsing: sure, that's what they all say
Mina: shut up already, and figure out how to get out!
Dracula: well? Have you brought a key?
Renfield: HEHE no master! That would be too easy!
Van Helsing: he's right. We need an elaborate plan to escape.
Renfield: actually I was thinking I'd bring the young lady by to flash the policemen a nice smile. That'd get you out HEHE
Mina: LAME.
Van Helsing: ingenious!
Harker: Lucy? She's coming??
Dracula: yes yes, go get her! Quickly, before the sun rises!
Renfield: yes master, I'm going! Hehe!!
SCENE 13
Mina: well now what?
Van Helsing: now….we wait, again.
Harker: she's coming she's coming she's coming!!
Dracula: do shut up the lovestruck fool, would you?
Van Helsing: I'm afraid I don't know how…
Mina: Bother!
Harker: falls unconscious.
Lucy: I'm here! are you all alive?
Dracula: no.
Lucy: well I don't care about you now do I? quickly, we don't have much time!
(characters get out of cell and go outside, where Renfield is waiting with a carriage)
Harker: Lucy! I missed you! How did you manage to get past the guards?
Lucy: Heh, vampires are tricky like that.
Mina: so where to now?
Dracula: Now, we part ways. Move quickly, the sun is rising!
(Lucy, Dracula, Mina and Renfield go one way.)
Harker: (yelling after them) Wait, but- LUCY!
Lucy: Oh hush. I'll come for you tonight, I promise! (they leave)
Harker: Well that was an adventure.
Van Helsing: Quite right……. Drats!
Harker: what?
Van Helsing: I forgot to stake them!
(ends)
SCENE 14 – the mysterious ticking noise
Takes place the next night when the vampires wake up. Lucy goes after Harker and turns him, and Dracula is persuaded to bite Mina. Then they get lured to the hospital (where Van Helsing conveniently works - poor him) and are enthralled by the mysterious ticking noise – (one of those life-preserving machines that beeps along with the patient's heartbeat.) Renfield is just there, as usual.
Severus Snape - Jonathan Harker
Ron Weasley - Van Helsing
Hermoine – Lucy
Dumbledore – Renfield
Harry Potter - Mina Murray
Voldemort – Dracula
The Snape-Harry part would probably work with Mina-Lucy instead.