Another fanfiction, ever since I heard a rumour that Kerry and Lawson were meant to get together after Michael, died which would have been oh so so so good, I decided to write it the way it should have been done before the writers changed their mind, damm them.

As usual if your after a Lawson/Shannon this is definitely not it

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Walking out of the hospital away from her team, the machines turned off, she had lost another team member, one of her younger ones again, Michael sitting next to his bed she mumbled "Michael I'm sorry I'm sorry I should never have sent you" just as Tash walked in and said "Michael is no longer able to breathe for himself the ventilator is the only thing keeping him alive" how did this happen, was she so caught up with the Raineys and James and wanting them to pay that this happened she made a piss weak excuse to Lawson about it, about results not mattering she went into defensive mode the need to say it wasn't her fault, she did the right thing no here Michael was dead the machines keeping him alive she didn't want to listen to what Josh or Lawson said, the only one was Charlie who didn't think she did anything wrong was Charlie. She stood at the doorway and watched his parents as they turned off his life support, did they blame her did they even want her there, she had to be there she was his boss the one who got him into this, did they know that or realise her face etched with grief and sorrow watching as he took his last breath.

Walking back into the base, looking around it had been a long long few days, shit the Rainey's she would love to put them all behind bars forever, Liam now gone, and old man Rainey in hospital, Col behind bars, James without a finger, she did have a hidden agenda for getting the Rainey's maybe Michael wasn't up to it. Her conversation with Lawson "Rainey's are personal for you" I said "he threatened me, he kidnapped my son and cut off his finger no, nope its not personal" Lawson's face was so close "what I'm saying sometimes you want something so badly all you see are the results" maybe that is all I saw "what what results don't matter"

Sitting at her cubicle, opening the drawer, getting out the bottle of scotch, pouring herself a glass she needed to drink it is what she did when to cope, shit the reports that have to be done she had to be the one to hold everything together to be the leader. Michael dead and James minus his thumb why did it all have to turn to shit, remembering the conversation with Josh at the hospital "you knew didn't you, you knew he was at risk" I thought i could fix that after the photos was sent to her, i knew they were watching him "why didn't you tell me" I didn't tell anyone my problems I could fix them myself I thought "you can't be the hardest nut all of the time Kerry" she didn't want to look at Josh she had done that to James "you might a shit mum but you're a good cop"

Closing her eyes she was the one who had to talk to the team telling them about Michael she can still see them sitting or standing there finding out how he was all of them waiting for news anything about him and she had to tell them the end of it "obviously it's not good" I could hardly say that. None of it is" I had to say "we did everything we could to get him back there might of been things we could of done differently that is for tomorrow" Then I had to walk off back to the station it had all turned to shit seeing Mia there on Amber's lap I had forgotten about Mia about the poor little girl lying there walking down the corridor the grief etched on her face.

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Walking out of the hospital, watching as the team walks away, looking as Kerry walks down the hallway, he knew the death of Michael hit her hard, he knew her better than she knew herself sometimes, despite what she said, he knew she would blame herself she saw herself as a failure when Grace died she was the leader of Tactical Response, was this partly to do with her anyway she never did take responsibility for most of her actions but this had hit her hard he could see that.

Turning to Shannon "I'll see you tomorrow, I'm going to check on Kerry" seeing Shannon nod at him, did she actually want to spend the night with him, she had been acting so strange and weird lately, needing space pushing him away . Then in the hotel room with Frank Reynolds on the screen what was going on there I had to ask and had a fight, she had been so secretive lately all I wanted honesty her reply "just stop it just stop it" I wanted answers.

Driving away, Kerry had been spending so much time at the base now working, she was a work alcoholic previously but now she was tired and worn out and all of this, the time spent trying to bargain and get Michael released, he can't believe it was actually Charlie who was able to get the minister to sign the papers required for Liam's immunity. She was looking tired the new position and now this he could tell it was all taking its toll on her but he knew her well enough to know she wouldn't stop, she couldn't show her emotions.

Pulling up at base it was dark but there was her car, pulled up in her usual spot, the locker room lights turned off, the place nearly in darkness.

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Pouring herself another glass she had lost count how many she had by now, there was wine to drink if she ran out, she was going to risk it all to get Col Rainey she saw Michael walking up even then she still was so tempted to go ahead with it, she was going to risk it all, she should of stuck to it then and got Michael out, damn Charlie "Kerry you can't do this" "watch me" I said Charlie continued "you're going to screw the entire investigation" "I don't care" I didn't care payback was all that mattered pay back that word Charlie was not going to give up "thousands and thousands of hours policework Kerry what are going to tell the task force what are you going to tell them " didn't he realise "I am the taskforce" he still continued but i wasn't going to change her mind "you're angry I get that but this is bigger than you and Rainey" didn't he realise this is my son no one messes with James "not today not today" then i saw him walking up "shit" looking at the screen I was torn I still wanted to send them in, I put my hand through my hair after staring at the screen I finally said it "stand down we're not doing this" after telling Lawson to get out of there I had to walk away I was pissed off I couldn't get the Rainey's but in the end I said to Lawson "it's a whole lot bigger than an assault on some kid"

Hearing footsteps approaching her cubicle, turning around "what are you doing here" seeing her rub her hand along her eyes, the toll is being taken on her, her elbows resting on the table. He knew he couldn't come out and say how she was doing, also she would see right through him anyway so shrugging "I left some stuff here I had to collect" seeing her raise her eyes at him, saying nothing "I saw your car here"

Looking at Lawson, he came to check up on her leaning slightly forward "You came to check on me …. I'm fine Lawson, go home, go to Shannon, go out and get pissed do what you need to, tomorrow isn't going to be any better than the past few days, in fact it will be worse"

Sitting down near her he wasn't going to go home and leave her here, nodding at the bottle on her desk "you keeping that to yourself"

Giving a short laugh remembering back to when she first started "I thought this was an alcohol free zone"

Smiling at Kerry, yeah he remembered when he said that, the first impression of Kerry was one he would never forget he didn't' want her in tactical response "you changed that rule pretty quickly"

Shrugging at him "It was a stupid rule Lawson, I don't see anyone complaining about it Get a glass" looking at her she had been drinking for a while "I think I'll have a long way to catch up with you"

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Leaning back on her chair a while later "do you ever wonder why you do what you do" looking at Kerry "what do you mean?" shrugging "we put up with shit day in day out, helping people who shouldn't be helped, the scumbag , people go straight back to what they were doing, the people they should escape from, each day we risk our lives and for what?"

Leaning back in his chair "there are some rewards that come out of it, we save lives, Tactical response has helped reduce crime"

Interrupting him "yeah yeah, I know all of that, but why do we do it"

Looking at Kerry was she going to give it up "It's a job I love, we help people, and most do need our help, I think we make a difference "

Giving a short laugh at Lawson "you were always the optimist Lawson"

Shaking his head "you always think the worse of people"

Emptying the bottle of whiskey "The Rainey's are scum, yet here we were, running around getting a stupid piece of paper to give Liam immunity, I really couldn't of cared what happened to them especially that piece of shit, those bastards hurt my son, they killed Michael, we get paid to protect people like that, what does that say about the world, where's the justice in that"

"NO one said Life was fair Kerry, we have to live with the cards we are dealt with"

Putting the papers back in the folder, looking up at Lawson "any wine in the fridge"

Shaking his head "Nah, only beer" tilting her head slightly "never see what you like that stuff for"

Pushing up out of the chair "I'll see you tomorrow, I'm going home"

Getting up of his chair "You're not driving" rolling her eyes at Lawson "No, just because I got caught once, Lawson they were wrong then. I'm going to catch a taxi"

"I'll give you a lift" raising her eyebrows at him "Lawson I'm fine, go home, I can catch a taxi" shaking his head "stop being so stubborn, just let me give you a lift"

Staring at him "last time you gave me a lift, you left me stranded in the car park, making me late for work"

Rolling his head back laughing "You couldn't even remember where you had left your car, I wasn't your father, I came and picked you up at least" walking out in front of him turning around "and left me there, don't know why you came at all"

Raising her eyes as Lawson walks over and opening the door for her then closing it behind him, there were parts of him that actually were sweet.

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo o

Arriving at her place, turning to face Lawson "I'll see you tomorrow" walking out the door watching as Lawson opens the driver's door, hearing his voice "what about a thank you Lawson" turning to face him smiling "thank you Lawson" walking up to the door, seeing Lawson just standing there staring at him "what"

"What about a coffee?" shaking her head "it's too early for coffee" seeing his eyes looking at her "You can have a wine"

Watching as Kerry walks to the door, he didn't want to go home alone, it was too late to go to Shannon's for some reason he didn't want to, he wanted to stay with Kerry, the need to protect and help her he didn't want to leave her by herself.

Walking over to the table, putting the bottles of wine down, before putting her feet up on the table staring straight ahead "why did it have to happen, it is so senseless, Michael his life taken so early, Grace we lost her too, if only there was something I could of done differently"

Reaching out to touch her he knew she would blame herself eventually "there was nothing anyone could of done to prevent this"

Raising her eyes at Lawson "Really that's not what you really think", Her conversation with Lawson earlier on "they need a tactical operator to support Saltos" he replied "that's all he should be is support he's not the main guy" then he realised he was all I got it was her fault not one to admit it but she was responsible for her squad for Michael, deep down she knew Lawson and the squad her and Charlie to some extent, she had people to answer too, and her own personal vendetta these people hurt her son, she should of taken them out and down, she should of pulled Michael out.

Looking at Kerry he did say a bit to her previously she had said "it was Michael's call we have to remember that" I said "like he was going to say no like he was in any position to shut it down with the Task force reved up behind him to bring it home" he had said a lot to her about it but Michael he knew would of done it trying to prove he was good that was Michael "Michael made the decision in the end to get in the car with the Rainey's it was his decision, we all thought there was backup and there wasn't"

Not looking at Lawson but down fiddling with her hands, despite what he said she did feel partly to blame or was it the task force "I wanted the Raineys so bloody much what they did to James, I pushed him, he was the tactical operative, no he said he could do it and I pushed him to it"

Putting her hands to her eyes, the only time she had cried was briefly in Michael's room when Tash came in, she looked up at here before looking back at Michael the tears forming in her eyes, Grace sweet Grace, she failed as a leader there, she had only been in charge of TR for a short time. Wiping her eyes around her face she had to face fact she had lost 2 young team members whilst she was in charge of Tactical Response.

No matter what she said to others, she was in charge she was the leader and now this was the second time she had failed.

He felt for Kerry, she was vulnerable, there was something about her, she was tough on the outside but underneath it all she was vulnerable he had seen her nearly fall apart once when they tried to find James he had seen her cry once when Grace died he wanted to take her home then to ensure she was ok but she didn't want anyone to see her cry to see her anything but in control "you can't be a tough nut all the time Kerry, putting his arms around her shoulders pulling her towards him "It wasn't your fault Kerry, You got what Liam wanted you didn't pull the trigger"

Fiddling with her hands she kept going through it all so many times, the phone call from Liam, "I've got something you want" it took all of her strength he wanted immunity and it was up to me to save Michael to get him out of this at first I thought we had gotten him with the car but no that would have been too easy, the negotiating with Liam for Michael's life knowing one step wrong could end it all, trying to get that bloody letter Anna bloody Vargis refusing to sign for it was that when I realised how hard it was going to but wouldn't admit it I was going to get Michael out of there and get Liam what he wanted, hoping he hadn't said good bye on that final phone call, finally getting the deal for him she must give Charlie more credit for what he did, each time she closes her eyes she can hear the "shots fired" and the screen showing what happened her eyes glue to it, it had all gone ok she was going to get Michael back then Tash's voice "Michael's parents have given permission to turn off his life support" that one sentence haunting her

Looking up at Lawson "I might as well have, I pushed him to put the drug buy back on" even when Liam kept changing it what did I say to Lawson "he is just playing hard to get" I did believe that it was all going to plan and we would get them. Even Lawson said "too many changes" it Michael's call but I thought he would keep to the plan we had the GPS in the bag though then his wire went dead and the GPS bag was found.

Staring into Kerry's blue eyes the sadness in them "Charlie was the one who fired him in front of the team, Michael had something to prove, nothing would of stopped him" looking back at Lawson "I asked Charlie to fire Michael" he knew that "Yeah I guessed that Kerry but you didn't ask him to do it in front of everyone, to humiliate him" interrupting Lawson "what does it matter now"

Remembering the conversation she had with Josh "He's just trying to prove something" saying to him "you know this or this is just a given" why didn't I listen to him "I know Michael" Charlie saying "I talked to him he didn't see a problem" Josh was right with what he said next "of course you didn't you humiliated him you're the one he wants to prove wrong, you got to pull him out" I should of done that realise then instead "Josh this is the last two hours of a very big operation, he can handle this"

nodding at Lawson he did have something to prove you should of realised that but you didn't you were too caught up in the Raineys hearing Lawson's voice "You didn't do this Kerry, you didn't ask Charlie to do it in front of everyone, Michael was always like that, he could of walked away he was he was trying to prove something" thinking back to the conversation he had with Kerry at the hospital did he actually believe that remembering Kerry saying "this was Michael's call we have to remember that" his reply "like he as going to say no, like he was in any position to shut this down with the task force reved up behind him to bring it home" after hearing Charlie's reply "too many agenda's Charlie, Michael took a bullet because the suits were on your back and you wanted results" Kerry had stayed out of it for a little bit until she said "you think we haven't been through this, what exactly did you expect us to do"

Maybe I was harsh on her, then, seeing her now she did blame herself she hadn't had much sleep but I should of known what she was like not showing what she really felt and doing her job was on top of her list. Despite it all he would do nearly anything for Kerry, he would help her but even that he did think that Kerry could of done things differently.

Thinking back to it all, was there something else, the gps in the money bag, when they threw that away in a way I knew it would take a lot to find him again there was a slim chance he would get out of it alive, why didn't they maintain the outer cordon, why did he get in the car, the raids and he didn't report in his check in time it went then Anna Vargis on TV "she can't help herself" talking more to herself "maybe I could of done something different, something more to stop or prevent it" remembering coming back to base, met by Leon, she had forgotten about Mia there, picking her up walking down the corridor her eyes filling up with tears "what about Mia she is so young"

Looking at Lawson briefly "Lawson I'm fine just go" Turning away from Lawson she didn't want him to see her cry he had once and she had hated it the thoughts there it was all building up, Michael, James the whole lot she could still see it, and hear "shots fired" seeing them carry Michael down the pier racing him to the ambulance "cool heads everyone, everything is in place" I thought it was all ok the shocked look on all our faces, the blood all over his face watching as the paramedics worked on him, they had revived him she thought that was it he was going to be ok that the slim chance was there this was it I wanted that hope even after all those years of working in the police force

Seeing her turn away from him before looking at him the sadness in her eyes he wants to hold her, to protect her maintaining

Turning to look back at Lawson blinking back the tears she has to be strong, seeing Lawson look at her, his eyes full of care wanting to turn away but unable to, her gaze not moving. Seeing Kerry turn away before facing ahead he could tell she was barely holding it together this was a side no one really saw she was a tough nut seeing her look at him he can't turn away, his gaze meeting hers he should move away but he can't leaning slightly forward towards her he finds his mouth moving slowly down towards hers stopping centimetres away as her blue eyes pierce through him before moving down to hers as their lips meet very briefly.