Before And After
By Dr. Shelly McCoy
Genre – Angst
Characters – Alaska
Rating – T
"I have to get out of here!" she cried.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"I forgot! God, how many times can I fuck up?" she said. I didn't even have time to wonder what she forgot before she screamed, "I JUST HAVE TO GO. HELP ME GET OUT OF HERE!"
"Where do you need to go?"
She sat down and put her head between her legs, sobbing. "Just please distract the Eagle right now so I can go. Please."
The Colonel and I, at the same moment, equal in our guilt, said, "Okay."
"Just don't turn on your lights," the Colonel said. "Just drive slow and don't turn on your lights. Are you sure you're okay?"
"Fuck," she said. "Just get rid of the Eagle for me," she said, her sob childlike half screams. "God oh God. I'm so sorry."
"Okay," the Colonel said. "Star the car when you hear the second string."
We left.
We did not say: Don't drive, you're drunk.
We did not say: We aren't letting you in that car when you are upset.
We did not say: We insist on going with you.
We did not say: This can wait until tomorrow. Anything – everything – can wait.
..
Did that really just happen?
"Get her out! Now!"
Did I really just do that?
"She's not breathing. I need a defibrillator!"
Fuck.
I looked at the scene around me. There is so much mayhem. Chaos. It was my fault.
It was always my fault.
"Come on… come on!"
Voices. I hear... voices.
And that's when I really saw.
There are people surrounding a bloody mess on the ground; five medics trying desperately to keep the person alive. I got closer to see. It was a girl.
Why wasn't she breathing?
"Don't give up on me!"
Yes. Don't give up. Fight!
The girl didn't move.
I got even closer and froze when I saw the girl's face. Her mangled face.
Me.
That girl… is me.
I stared at my body. Was it my body? I didn't even recognize it.
"There's nothing more we can do."
Nothing more? That's it? I'm… dead? No! I don't want to die! Help me… I can't die!
I can't fuck up again!
"4:17AM. January 11, 2005."
11th? No. No, no, no! I missed it. I failed.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Mom.
Remember. Try to remember. What happened right before?
I remember drinking. Drinking and laughing. Drinking and laughing and… kissing.
Pudge.
I'm sorry.
Remember more. There has to be more.
I was outside, crying, looking for something. But what? What was I looking for?
I looked over at the totaled car and saw them on the ground. The white tulips.
Of course.
Now I remember.
I remember the drinking, and the laughing, and the kissing, and the flowers, and the crying, and the hurt, and the scared, and the nothingness.
Pudge.
His face. I remember his face.
To be continued.
No. Not to be continued. We can't continue.
I'm so fucking sorry.
There was something else.
Words. Something about words.
They moved my body. It's on a stretcher and under a sheet.
Words. Last words. What did I say?
I have to remember.
Mom. I didn't mean to fuck up. Please don't be angry.
Remember.
I love you.
I've always loved you.
Remember!
"I'm sorry."