INVADER ZIM
"The Day The World Got Really Screwed Up"
by CAN
FADE IN:
EXT. SKOOL
TORQUE is by the door to Skool, hiding right out of sight of the people walking out. POONCHY walks out it and Torque trips him with his FOOOT. POONCHY screams and flys offscreen. TORGUE smirks. One of POONCHY's friends lean out the door a little ways to stare at TORQUE. He shrugs and walks out TOO. TORQUE trips HIM and HE flys offscreen with POONCHY, screaming. TORQUE smirks. PAN around. There is a mile-high pile of kids right offscreen, POONCHY and his FRIEND on top. They all groan.
PAN AROUND the playground... DIB sits by a trashcan with a magazine that says, "Mysterious Mysteries" on the cover. A happy cthulu is on front, winking. GAZ is not far away, drawing VAMPIRES.
DIB
HEY, GAZ! LOOKETT WHAT I FOUND IN MY MAG-
GAZ
I'm SICK of your HORRIBLE voice.
DIB (crossed)
Okay... I WON'T tell you what I found... but your loss or not, it's neat.
GAZ (uncaring)
Good.
Suddenly, ZIM hops out from behind the trashcan, holding scissors. He leans forward behind an oblivious DIB and SNIPS HIS HAIR OFF. DIB gasps and turns around.
ZIM
AHA AHA, DIB! I HAVE JUST DESTROYED YOUR ONLY WEAKNESS!
ZIM roars and laughes like a lunitic. DIB hasn't noticed that his hair is gone.
DIB (bored)
What are you talking about, ZIM?
ZIM grins evilly and pulls DIB's hair out from behind his back, thrusting it at DIB. ZIM can barely conceal his glee. DIB reaches for his head to feel.
DIB
MY HAIR! ZIM! What have you done to my-
(he eyes the hair in ZIM's hand)
-Is my hair really that long? And pointy? Oh, who cares-
ZIM
Oh, you DIB. Now that your hair is gone, you will be too destraut to try to solve my CONQUEST PLAN... THAT WILL SOOON TAKE PLACE! THE WORLD WILL BE MINE!
He raises his arms and hops in VICTORY. VICTORY HOP!
DIB
Oh come on ZIM... sure, I love my hair... but I won't stop SAVING HUMANITY just because you're weird about 'weaknesses'.
ZIM (still gleeful)
(ZIM talks as though DIB had just cried and been miserable about the loss of his hair)
It's your own fault, DIB. If you didn't continually try to stop my IRKEN PLANS then maybe I wouldn't-
DIB (outraged)
My fault!?! YOU'RE the lunitic!
ZIM
If you weren't so annoying, Dib, perhaps I wouldn't HAVE to have cut your hair.
DIB
If you weren't trying to destroy the world, ZIM, perhaps I wouldn't have to be so annoying!
Suddenly, the earth RUMBLES. The whole pile of TORQUE victoms fall over, groaning. Torque runs. Trees are pushed up and out of the ground. Daisies are pushed up...(?)...
DIB
OH NO! NOW what's going on!?
(he grabs ZIM's collar)
I KNOW YOU DID IT, ZIM! TELL ME WHAT YOU DID!
ZIM looks rather surprised at all this happening.
ZIM
Eh... I did nothing. I swear. My plan was scheduled to start intil this evening after homework... Now hands off, you fool!
ZIM jerks away from DIB. They both watch, in awe, at the world being destroyed before they're eyes.
DIB
WHAT DO WE DO?!
GAZ happens to still be sitting in the same spot, drawing VAMPIRES. She doesn't look up.
GAZ (COND'T)
My guess would be that something happened when DIB's hair was cut off.
DIB
My HAIR? Why would you think that?!
He points at the ground, which suddenly has a mysterious looking device at his feet. ZIM picks it up
ZIM
According to this thing that has no specific purpose but I guess can solve dilemas; WHEN DIB's HAIR WAS CUT OFF, WORLD ORDER WAS RE-ARRANGED!
DIB
What, my HAIR controls WORLD-ORDER?!
ZIM
I guess, yeah... Bye!
ZIM runs from the playground, extending his PAK legs and climbing over the new mounds surfacing from the ground. DIB panicks.
DIB
MAN, OH MAN! I KNEW my hair was weird... all LONG and stuff... but I never knew that it controlled ORDER ON EARTH! I must STOP MY HAIR FROM DESTROYING EARTH!
DIB leaps dramtically over a hole forming in the ground in front of him and leaves the playground.
EXT. SKOOL
DIB enters the street and turns to see the SKOOL get COMPLETLY pulled UNDER the ground. He screams as Ms. Bitters' silutte slithers from the place SKOOL had disappeared. It flys into the sky and explodes, turning into bats that fly to freedom.
INT. DIB's HOUSE - THE LIVING ROOM
DIB runs in the living room, only to find that GAZ is already on the couch, drawing more VAMPIRES. Dib scratches his head.
DIB
How'd YOU get here so quick, GAZ?
GAZ
Eh.
She shrugs and continues to draw VAMPIRES.
DIB
I need DAD! Where is he?!
GAZ
Eh.
She shrugs and draws some MORE... VAMPIRES. DIB runs from the room.
INT. DIB's HOUSE - THE KITCHEN
THANKFULLY, Prof. Membrane sits and the table with a robot piggy, eating a sandwich with his face on it.
PROF. MEMBRANE
Oh, hello, SON! How was Skool? EVENTFUL?
DIB (absolutely moronic sounding)
DAAAD! CAN'T YOU FEEL IT!? EARTH IS IMPLODING, BECAUSE MY HAIR RULES ALLL ORRDER INN THIS PLANEET!
Membrane chuckles.
PROF. MEMBRANE (unconvinced)
Yes, son. Of course it does.
DIB
I NEED SOME HAIR GROWTH STUFF! NOOW!
PROF. MEMBRANE reaches in his pocket and pulls some out. It says, "Membrane's New Bald Bath Boldy Bash and Brush Stuff".
PROF. MEMBRANE
Here you go. I hope this will make you less of an INSANE PARAFREAK!
DIB ignores him and pours the whole tube of goo on his hair. His head now drips of green goo. He waits, annoyed. EARTH rumbles more and dust falls from the ceiling. DIB's eyes go wall-directioned in pure insanitity.
DIB (insanely insane)
COME ON HAIR! GROW! THE WORRLD DEPENDS ON YOUR LENGTHY LENGTH AND BLACK-LIKE COLOR!
He grunts as his words are inturupted. His hair grows. MUCH. It KEEPS growing intil the whole house is full. Dib's screaming is heard offscreen.
FADE OUT.
TITLE OVER:
A Bit Later...
EXT. DIB's HOUSE
The house is devoured in hair. DIB hangs limply from it somewhere in the middle. A few children are stuck in it here and there. GAZ still draws VAMPIRES, stuck in the hair, too. PROF. MEMBRANE is stuck as well. EARTH is back to normal.
DIB
Oh, this stinks. HOW DO I GET DOWN?!
ZIM then walks by with GIR on a leash. He stops and waves at DIB.
GIR (for no reason)
HAIR!
ZIM
See you at SKOOL tommorow, DIB!
He laughes evilly, pleased for no apparent reason and walks offscreen.
DIB
Oh great! There's a dog in here!
DIB screams. Barking is heard.
END.