Not losing you

It took me a bit of a time to write it - put together a mild writer's block, feeling shitty and studying for my exams and it's not a good combination. Not good at all.

But here it is finally.

Happy belated birthday Praemonitus Praemunitus. This was a try to write a fic ala your Soul Mates, I hope I did it justice. Was gonna write something longer, and whumpier, but as you know studying for my exams does not have a good influence on my writing.

Hope you'll like my little present and you'll enjoy it.

…

"No, no, no, stop! Please, let me see Steve. Where is he?"

"Calm down, Detective. Your partner is in good hands."

"No! Don't tell me to calm down. I need to see him."

Danny was huffing a frustrated breath, as the man he talked with left him to go and talk with one of the other firefighters. Danny couldn't hold his eyes on them for longer, because he was distracted by the loud whirring of the machine that was too close to him for his liking.

He leaned his head back on the seat and closed his eyes. Tried to think of what lead to this mess. He was jammed under the dashboard and the steering wheel. Some whack job hit them with full force and that in turn had the Camaro spinning and ending in a collision. The front of the Camaro hit the light pole with a powerful crash.

Danny lost consciousness, and couldn't remember how or when he woke up, but Steve wasn't next to him. And he couldn't move. Too many people and too loud noises around him.

He could feel the heaviness behind his eyes and the want to sleep into next year was slowly winning out.

"Don't close your eyes, Detective. You have to stay alert until we get you out."

Danny slowly focused his eyes on the man talking with him and registered that they were here to help him out.

"What happened? Where is Steve?"

The confusion on the firefighter's face sent Danny into panic, but that quickly subsided when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"He will be okay, Detective. How about we focus on you for a bit?"

"I just need to see him…" Danny whined. He could feel his voice wavering, but he didn't give a damn right now.

"You will. Once we get you out. Can you tell me what happened?"

"First time I get to drive in days and I do this to him." Danny could feel the tears threatening to spill.

The firefighter looked at the dejected blond behind the wheel and he knew that there was more to this man's story. He also wanted to take his head off of thinking of the Steve he was mentioning, the passenger they pulled out of the car while the Detective was still unconscious, and was currently on his way to Tripler.

"My name is Brian. I am with HFD."

"I'm Danny."

"Nice to meet you, Danny. I'm sorry it's under these circumstances. I need to ask you to sit still now and let my boys work on getting you out. Can you do that?"

"Yes."

"Now, there's this nice nurse. She'll put on a neck collar to protect your neck until a doctor sees for injuries, okay?"

"Okay."

After putting the collar on Danny, the nurse checked him for a concussion and other visible injuries she could treat on scene. She left and Brian took over his place next to the driver's side door.

"Tell me about Steve."

"Huh?" Danny was torn out of his wandering thoughts.

"Tell me about Steve. He seems to be a very good friend of yours since you are that worried for him."

"I'm sure you found he's my partner when you arrived on the scene."

"True. You two are Five 0."

"He's more than just my work partner."

Brian's mouth formed a little 'oh' as his eyebrows went to his hairline. He smiled then and that in turn made Danny smile.

"I take that as a good thing then. Most people would know by now."

Brian chuckled at the Detective and shook his head in disbelief.

"You two are very famous here on O'ahu. But I haven't heard you two being together like that, so forgive my surprised look."

"It's okay. Was just trying to joke." Danny hissed as the machine came too close to his left leg and started cutting into the plastic.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck."

"Calm down, Danny. You were telling me you and Steve are together. Tell me how you two met."

Danny took a deep breath and tried to block the tingly pain that spread itself from his knee up to his thigh.

"We… Uh, we met in his garage. I was assigned to his father's murder. We both pulled guns at each other." Danny smiled at the distant memory that played in his mind like it was yesterday.

"Wow. That sounds quite interesting."

"It was a bit of a strange situation. You know, two alpha males, holding guns to each other's faces. Not much to go by, but he hijacked my crime scene. And me. Made me his partner. Didn't even ask me, just said 'we're gonna get along just fine' and left me with nothing but to follow him."

"You could've said no."

"I could've. But now reflecting on that decision I was silently agreeing with his way of recruiting me in his ragtag group. You see, my life before meeting Steve… Let's just say, he saved me."

"A true love story." Brian smiled and that made Danny snort.

"You made it sound like a fairy tale. We are a bit dysfunctional and imperfect, but he's my home now and I'm his family. So, I guess your statement is true."

Danny didn't want to elaborate on how fucked up he was when he first arrived on the island.

"Glad to hear that."

"You know what the funny thing is? He probably stole my heart along with my life all those years ago." Danny sighed and looked like he was gonna close his eyes, but jerked awake as the plastic moved over his leg.

"Easy, Danny, easy. It'll come off soon. You are doing great. You were telling me at how Steve stole your heart." Brian initiated.

"Yeah. But it took us both long to realize that. We were idiots. Idiots that couldn't face their feelings."

"Who was the one that admitted it first?"

"Believe it or not, it was Steve. With all the shit he went through in the Navy, being closed off, DADT and all, he broke the ice and spoke first. I'm so proud of him doing that. I love him so much. And I can't lose him now." Danny felt a tear finally slipping down his cheek. He let it fall. He didn't have to pretend for anyone.

Soon enough the machine stopped working. Danny was relieved. When the plastic was removed off his legs, he thought he could breathe easily. But, the sudden pain rippling through his body when he tried to move his legs made him scream so loud that Brian jumped.

"Steve…" he wheezed as he tried to let air in his fast constricting lungs.

Danny was helped out of the car and on a stretcher, but he was hardly calm with many thoughts rushing through his head. He can't lose Steve. Not now, not like that. He needs Steve. Where is Steve?

The last thing Brian heard before Danny was wheeled into the waiting ambulance was "It's his birthday today."

…

It had to happen on Steve's birthday of all days. Fate had so many ways of fucking his life up, that Danny seriously believed it was something wrong with his blood. It was like written, etched in big bold letters that he was fated to be unhappy and pessimistic.

He spent two days in the hospital being monitored for his injuries. His left knee was busted pretty badly, coupled with his left ankle. A minor internal bleeding and some cuts on his legs coupled with bruises. He spent two days without seeing Steve.

Steve on the other hand… The doctor told Danny, Steve was lucky to be alive. The car that hit them, did it on Steve's side. The initial impact resulted in Steve hitting the dashboard hard and falling back on the seat while Danny got jammed and knocked unconscious on the very spot.

It was Steve who called 911 before him, too, fell unconscious. He had internal bleeding when they brought him to Tripler and a bump on the head that caused a swelling which resulted with a coma. Thank God no spinal injuries were involved.

Danny sighed a breath of relief when he learned Steve was mostly okay. The keyword being mostly.

Danny hardly even slept in the two days he was in the hospital except when he was taking meds. Which he stubbornly refused to and evaded them like the Devil evades incense.

…

"Good morning, Detective. How are you feeling today?" the far too chirpy doctor grated on his nerves.

"Like I want to see my boyfriend."

"Oh, joy." the doc commented as he did a thorough examination of Danny.

"I know that you want to see your boyfriend and see for yourself how is he. I'm aware that if it wasn't for your legs you would've run out of this room the minute we put you in it. So, against my better judgement, I'll release you today."

Danny was about to cry with relief, but stopped.

"But I expect you to follow instructions. Fully. Not evading them like you did so far with your meds."

Of course it'll involve a 'but'.

There was always a 'but' with docs.

Danny tried to pout, but failed as he looked at the doctor.

"That look may work on your boyfriend, Detective, but not in me."

"I promise. Honest to God. Just let me see him."

…

Half an hour later Danny was dressed and taken to Steve's room in a wheelchair.

As he settled next to his partner's bed and took his limp hand in both of his, Danny sighed. He kissed Steve's hand, closing his eyes, thinking of that fateful night that had them both at this point.

He let the tears flow freely, as the man lying on the bed stayed unresponsive. Thinking of how a drunk driver ruined what was supposed to be the night he was going to propose to Steve.

…

Steve's head was wrapped in cotton. Cat least it felt like cotton. When he became more aware of his surroundings, he discovered he was lying on something warm and comfortable. The distant beeping and smell of disinfectant told him he was in a hospital. Only if he could remember what landed him there in the first place.

And he did. The memories flooded his brain all of a sudden.

Steve wanted to open his eyes. There was something he was missing in the back of his head, but he couldn't remember what. The more he became aware, the more his head pounded in his skull. Like someone tried to play a hard rock song, and played the beat too loud.

There was a warmth spreading itself through his right hand up his arm and the rest of his body. With the last bit of strength he willed his eyes to open.

The sight that met his eyes met him equal parts wanting to cry and smile. Danny, beautiful Danny had his head slung over an arm on the bed railing, while with the other he held Steve's hand. He was softly snoring. When Steve finally laid eyes on the wheelchair, panic rose in his chest at the implication of what that could mean for Danny, but he didn't want to jump to conclusions. He was also reluctant to wake Danny up. As much as he wanted to see those soft blues, or to hear his boyfriend rant at him, he knew Danny needed to rest.

A nurse chose that moment to enter in the room and check on his vitals. Ge told her to be quiet, because he didn't want Danny to wake up.

After a while he felt sleep tug at him again and with one last glance of Danny's messy hair, Steve was out like a light.

He finally realized what he was missing previously. It was Danny. And he was there, right beside him.

…

When Steve next woke up, Danny was staring at him with what looked like a mix of sadness and happiness. He wanted to kiss Danny until only the happiness remained. He hated to see Danny look so hurt and dejected. It shouldn't happen. Steve felt bad to be the reason behind that sadness.

"Hey."

"Hey, you putz. Did Sleeping Beauty decided to join the world of the living, finally?"

"It was you who was sleeping, Danny, not me."

Danny tried to scowl and failed. He then turned his eyes to look at the wall, his face an unreadable mask.

"What's wrong, Danny?"

"Nothing, babe. It's just, I planned to spend your birthday at home, having a quiet dinner and then maybe go out if you liked. Look at us now."

"It's not your fault, Danny."

"Yeah, right."

"Danny, look at me."

But, Danny refused to look at Steve. He was still angry at himself. He was driving the car, goddamnit, he was the one that wasn't fast enough to steer the car to get them out of danger before the Camaro crashed in the pole. He should've done something…

Danny wasn't aware he was saying that out loud. Not until he felt a warm hand wiping his tears away. And when did he start crying?

"Shh, shh, Danno, it's okay. We are okay. This is not on you."

"We are not okay, Steven! Look at you. You were in a coma for two days. I was jammed and it took them ages until they got me out. Just look at what I did!"

"Danny, don't do this. Don't do this to yourself. There was nothing you could do to prevent the crash. The guy came out of nowhere."

"I nag you all the time how you are driving like an animal, but one time I get to drive, I get us in this mess."

"That's not…"

"See, if it was you in my place, you would've known how to escape that pole. I just fucking destroyed our night and almost got you killed."

Steve stayed silent for a moment, letting Danny to pour everything out of himself, keeping a hand on his cheek, wiping tears away and offering comfort.

"Danny? It's not your fault, okay? It could've happened to me, too. I am alive, you are alive. Together, we'll be able to overcome this bump in the road. Okay, baby? Can you do that for me?"

Danny nodded unable to say anything. He didn't trust his voice at the moment. He stared at Steve and tried to think of something, anything to say to his boyfriend. But his brain failed him.

"I love you, Danny. And I want you to know I don't blame you for what happened. I'm happy we both made it. There'll be other accidents, job hazards and dangers. But, I love you. And you love me. I want you to remember that and to keep those gloomy thoughts out of your head."

Danny snorted, trying to think positively, but wasn't there still.

"I need that smile of yours to get back on your face, because I missed it."

"Don't make me laugh, Steve." Danny said, smiling for the first time after the conversation started. "It's not like you missed it while you were sleeping."

Steve glared, but then grinned.

"That's right, sweetheart. Show me those pearly whites."

"I love you too, Steve."

Steve grinned and tugged at Danny's hand to get him closer. Danny lifted himself up and leaned to kiss Steve. It wasn't long, nor pretty, but it was them. And a promise.

…

Danny was required to use a cane until his knee healed enough. Steve recovered from the concussion. Both of them were on leave until they were at their 100% again.

Even tho Danny tried not to think of the accident and where it got them, it was still lingering at the back of his mind. Eating him on the inside.

He fought it every way he knew, but it wasn't working. He also couldn't forget that it happened on Steve's birthday. That made things worse.

Steve could see the sullen and defeated blond, although he tried to convey it under smiles and laughs. In the rare moment he let himself wander, he could be read as an open book.

Steve was tired from not being able to crack the shell Danny built around himself and decided to work around Danny. It started with small subtle hints, Steve would forget to buy groceries, he forgot to flush the toilet, left a mess around the house - being the tidy OCD guy the Navy taught him to be, it was a bit difficult to act. But, he had to elicit a reaction from his lover.

Danny on his part was livid with Steve's new habits. He knew he wasn't the tidiest person in the world, but what Steve did, it was grating on his nerves.

He tried to be reasonable, blaming it on the concussion and Steve healing from his injuries, but as the time went by, it only proved to be testing his level of endurance. And the anger was slowly winning out.

What fell the hardest on Steve was that he chose to ignore Danny on multiple occasions. It was tough to do it, knowing it could very well end their relationship, but he had to try. Had to make Danny see reason. Until one day Danny snapped.

"What the hell is the matter with you?" he woke up with a headache and the dull throb behind his eyes was not a good sign so early.

"What do you you mean, Danny?"

"What i mean… I told you to leave me warm water in the shower! And what do I find this beautiful morning? Danny spat bitterly. "There was only cold water."

"Calm down, Danny. I forgot-"

"How hard did you hit your head, Steven? 'Cause I distinctly remember you have lived through worse conscious than this one and functioning perfectly fine. Not at your 100%, but fine. I've been trying to get to grips with what you are doing these days, but I can't. Mr. I-have-to-be-in-control loses control faster than I lose my change. For fuck's sake you were trained to be in control, to be tidy, and clean. Have you seen the house in the last week?!" Danny's voice rose in volume and seeing him so riled up, told Steve that maybe he went a bit overboard with his ways of making Danny snap out of his funk.

"Danny…"

"Don't 'Danny' me, Steve! I have enough of that I need you to tell me what's your fucking problem because I don't know what to do anymore. I can't… I…" Danny sat on the couch, sighing as he put his head in his hands.

Steve waited for the moment to deflate before he crouched in front of Danny.

"Ever since the accident, you aren't yourself, Danny. You blame yourself for something that's not your fault. You've been driving me crazy for the most part. I can't figure you out. I just needed to bring you back to me. I'm slowly losing you, and I don't want to."

Danny raised his head and looked at Steve with bleary eyes.

"You are not losing me."

"Are you sure? Because it looks to me like I am. When was the last time we kissed? Or had sex? I'm not a wilting flower, Danny, nor I am made of glass. You surely don't think of me like that. So, what is it?"

Danny finally cracked. With all that Steve said and did, it was hard to keep it bottled up inside.

"I can't. I can't lose you, Steve. I… Every time I close my eyes and think of the accident, I see on empty front passenger seat. And they won't tell me about you, if you are dead or alive. So, I start thinking of the worst and I hate that I'm like that, but what can I do? I'm programmed like that. It's tough to break habits, this is a bad one, but I can't for the life of me… So when I finally saw you in the hospital, reality crashed in and I couldn't face it. I said to myself if I keep up this, I may very well lose you. I didn't think I was hurting you with it. Please, forgive me. You have to, Steve…"

"Shh Danno, shh, it's okay. There's nothing to forgive. I just want you to go back to yourself. Stop being so harsh on yourself. I'm okay now so it's all good. Both of us will take care of each other and ourselves to make sure nothing happens. Okay?"

Danny mulled over the suggestion one last time before he launched himself at Steve and kissed him with all he got.

Steve was wiping a cheek with one hand, while with the other he ran his fingers through Danny's hair. It was soothing and calming. It caused Danny to start crying.

Steve brought Danny in a fierce hug, while he let his boyfriend get it all out, comforting him with his presence. After what felt like years, Danny disentangled himself from the hug and looked at Steve.

"I love you, you know that, right?"

"Of course I do. I love you, too, Danno." Steve pecked him on the cheek wiping tears away and looking like a lovestruck idiot.

"I… I don't wanna lose you, babe. I'm afraid of losing you. It's always in the back of my mind, but that night, it felt very real."

"You won't lose me, Danny. At least I'm not gonna leave you willingly. You can bet on it."

"I just want us to be happy, but I don't know how to tune out the voice in my head that says it's all gonna be bad."

"How about you let me help you with that?"

"What…? How are you gonna do that?" Danny's breath caught in his throat.

"First by saying 'I love you' to you every single day." Steve kissed Danny on the left brow then the right. "Then by telling you 'I'm here, right beside you'." A gentle kiss on Danny's nose. "And last, but not least reminding you how the most amazing things in life start when you are positive. Is that enough?" Steve ended his trail by placing a kiss on Danny's lips.

"More than enough."

…

Danny was nervous. He looked at himself in the mirror for the umpteenth time. His hair was slicked to perfection. His suit and the tie were impeccable. Looking at his hands he noticed they were shaking. The small black box was poking a hole through his pants pocket and Danny was slowly going into panic.

It was the first day Steve went back to work. It was only desk duty for a couple of weeks, but it was better than being cooped up and driving each other crazy with Danny.

Danny used the quietness of the house to execute his plan. It was a bit cliche, he knew, but he wanted to make it perfect. He set himself in Chef mode and cooked a delicious dinner for both of them. He rummaged through drawers and found two candles. Placing them on the table, he put a fresh set of flowers in the vase. He set plates and cutlery on the table, got dinner out of the oven and put it on the counter.

After a quick shower and dressing up to perfection, Danny counted the minutes until Steve came home. The more the hour of Steve's arrival approached, the more Danny was getting nervous and jittery.

The million questions of his head and scenarios of how this night would go died when there was a turn in on the lock and Steve was finally home.

Danny sprang from the couch, like he was splashed with boiling water. Steve smelled the tension and nervousness, before the actual dish and that made him smile.

"Hey, Danno. What does smell so good?"

Uhm… I made my mom's pot roast for dinner."

"You cooked for me?" Steve's face lit up at the prospect of food and eased some of the uneasiness Danny felt.

"Well… yeah."

"Danny… You know you didn't have to do that, right?"

"I know. But I wanted to."

It was like only then Steve's brain kicked fully into gear and he noticed the way Danny was dressed.

"Is there a special occasion? You are all dressed up while I feel like I haven't been told there'd be something."

"That was kinda the point, babe. I wanted to do this on the night of your birthday, but you know we were a bit deterred." Danny smiled awkwardly.

"What are you saying, Danny?"

Suddenly Danny got the ring box out of his pocket and opened it.

"I… Will you marry me, Steve?" Danny asked tentatively as he placed the box on his palm and laid it in front of Steve. "I would've kneeled, but with my legs I-"

Danny was effectively shut with a blazing kiss from Steve. A moment later he felt Steve grinning like a goof against his lips.

"Is that a yes?"

"Most definitely a 'yes', Danno. Most definitely, yes."

Danny couldn't help but smile and by the time he had put the ring on Steve's finger his hands stopped shaking.

He was swooped in an all encompassing hug from his octopus and Danny couldn't help but melt into the hug.

"I love you, Danno." Steve whispered in his hair as he placed a kiss in the soft locks.

Danny pulled off of the hug and looked straight into Steve's eyes.

"I love you, too, babe."

"Now feed me, Danny, 'cause I'm hungry."

"Such an impatient Neanderthal." Danny piped as he went into the kitchen to put the food in the plates.

"We can miss dinner if that's what you want." Danny's eyebrows went into his hairline at his fiancee's next suggestion. "I could eat you instead."

Steve "attacked" Danny, tickling him against the counter and making him squeal. Couple of minutes later, both men stopped and stared at each other, panting, faces flushed, but adorable at the same time.

Conveying with looks, for what words were not needed.

"Happy birthday, babe."

"Best birthday ever, Danno."

...

A/N: Love to hear what you guys think of my stories. Please tell me how you liked this one