After I browsed through quite a few ZaDR fanarts, several phrases got into my head and at last developed into what you can read here. It is a comic ZaDR with a hint of DaDR. I tried to keep the language and overall style as close to the cartoon as possible. Hope you will enjoy it.
Disclaimer: All the characters belong to Johnen Vasquez. The author's brain does not belong to him as well as to the author himself. No characters were harmed during writing the fic.
- This time you won't get away, Zim!
- This is one hundred sixty seven thousand five hundred eighty first time I've heard that phrase. – the invader winked to the barrel of Dib's pistol, switching on his brand-new PAK-integrated shield generator.
We must admit that the saviour of mankind got a bit baffled – but was quick to move the barrel to point at an intimidatingly fragile structure towering beside Zim.
- Noooo! Not my Doomsday Machine! – the Irken was about to cry this out, filling whatever was his substitute for lungs with air. But he did not have time to cry: a big and round shadow blocked the horrid Sun.
- What the... – the bitterest enemies gasped in unison, rose their eyes, dropped their jaws and stared at an unidentified flying saucer (speaking of the size, rather a huge tray). Hardly had they regained their senses when a thick pink ray (neither of them thought the color was of any significance – as it turned out later, they were hugely mistaken) beamed out of a small hole in the bottom of the spacecraft and all went dark.
The module was round ("cylindrical" – the pedantic Dib corrected himself mentally). It was big ("60 Earth feet in diameter" – Zim estimated instantly). And it also was poorly lit and didn't have a single door. And there was a sweetish smell all around.
- Yet again. DibHuman, sworn enemies have to join their efforts to find a way to salvation!
- You will never change, Zim. Besides, I've tapped all the walls – there is no exit anywhere.
- Noooo! We are going to die here! We are doooomed!
- Stop beating your head against the floor, you won't break through anyway. Besides, it's not that bad. Wait... what am I talking about? It couldn't be worse. – Dib dropped his head, renowned for its size, on his chest.
- Will your face be the last thing I'll see in my entire life? Your face?.. Mmm... – desperation just vanished from the alien's voice.
- Why are you staring at me that way? It looks as if you were Gaz and I were a new console! Not that I don't like it... – Dib mumbled suddenly.
A pause.
- You know what, Zim...
- What?
- If we really have to die here, then... I don't want to die a virgin.
- DibHuman, you've completely gone out of your m... mmm... Yeah. Neither do I.
- Then what are we waiting for? How do you take that off?
- You've always been too fast, Dib.
- You just have to be, when your part-time job is saving the world. Wow! Now that's what a squeedilyspooch looks like!
- You like it, don't you?
- What makes you think so? It's purely scientific curiosity.
- I know your human curiosity! If you lay your hands on a squeedilyspooch, soon you'll get them both!
- Both?..
- Just kidding. You know so little of Irken anatomy, you worthless thing!
- I've had no practice. – Dib parried, getting down to business.
- Aw... Ow... Oh! At last your useless mouth is capable of something except insulting great Zim!
- Wef, firfly, nof fo greaf... – Dib stopped for a second. – Mr. Dwicky's, for one, is bigger.
- You said you were a virgin. How dare you lie to me!
- Did I? I just used to peep at him when we had P.E. in the pool. You were absent all the time, remember?
- Don't get yourself distracted, you little pervert... Oh... ah... aaa!
- Mmm... tastes like chicken.
- Do liquid chikens exist? Where have you seen them?
- Have you forgotten who my daddy is? You can see much more than that in his lab. It sells like hot cakes to the astronauts. It's your turn, by the way.
- Only humans could invent such awful fasteners! Surrender to Zim's power, you defiant piece of clothing! Here, that's better...
- Hey, stop examining it! It's not a lab specimen! Get your antennae off it, now! It tickles!
- Don't you dare deprive me of a chance to torture you! Although... as you wish. – Zim went silent, for obvious reasons.
- Ermm... I understand, you love to wag your tongue and all that, but if you've decided to stifle me, why don't you start with the neck? However… go on. Awrr… ow… oooh!
- Baww… There is no substance as disgusting anywhere in the universe except the skool cafeteria! I hope you haven't poisoned me!
- I dunno. – Dib shrugged, catching his breath. – I need to conduct an... analysis – if you know what I mean.
- I'm always half step ahead of you, you miserable human! – Zim shifted to make himself comfortable, as much as it was possible lying on his back on the metal floor. – Get started. Whoops... Do all... earthmen... use guns... this way?.. Won't it... shoot?
- How should I know? I don't even know where the safety lock is. – Dib immediately felt it was now harder to move the barrel. – Good that I've oiled it in the morning.
- How dare you... make such... joooo!
- There you go! You've messed up my hair!
- To your ridiculous head it is the same as a drop to the ocean! Prepare yourself, DibHuman! How long do I have to wait?
- You've been waiting for so many years – you can wait a little more! – Dib preferred to get on all fours.
- How could you think so! I haven't been waiting for anything!
- Yes, you have!
- No, I haven't! As a matter of fact, you have!
- No, I haaaa!
- Here you go... worthless... human... Feel the... might... of the Irken... invasion!
- A crappy... metaphor!... You should read... less ZaDRs... on fanfiction.net...
- I do not visit... this puny... site! And why... did you?
- For purely... scientific... purposes!
- As if i would... believe you!
The yell from the two throats – Irken and human – merged somewhere at the ceiling. At the same moment, as if responding to it, a bright light lit the module and a nasty sugary-squeaky voice boomed from some hidden speakers:
- Bravo, bravo, bravo! It's been a long time since "Galaxy Porn" had such magnificent actors! We are happy to inform you that our super-modern and super-powerful aphrodisiac worked perfectly!
"So that's what that smell was!" – both thought in unison.
- Unfortunately at the moment we are unable to give you any payment! But for consolation we may promise you incredible popularity! An Irken-human duet will enjoy great demand! At first , I think, we'll make about 14 trillion copies... Of course, this would be just a sample party, but then, then... Just think, you shall be famous all over the Galaxy! Isn't that wonderful?
At last the voice went down and there was a grave silence. Not for long, though.
- Diib... How many rounds do you have in that gun?
The human understood the alien almost at once.
Two. Just enough.