A time for talking
DISCLAIMER - I do not own these characters. I'm just borrowing for fun.
The elevator doors opened with a whoosh and even as they did, Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs was in motion. He strode forward towards the bullpen, a case folder in one hand and a steaming cup of coffee in the other.
At their stations, Agents Todd, McGee and DiNozzo were suddenly intent on the computer screens in front of them.
NCIS Special Agent Kate Todd was ashen faced. Her shoulders were rigid, her hands clasped on the desk before her. To Gibbs, she looked pretty much as he imagined the Reverend Mother of an austere convent would at matins.
She gave no outward sign that she was aware of the glance that he had skimmed over her but Gibbs knew she had been waiting for him, all of them had. The tension in the room was thick enough to hold the weight of a family car.
He let the file in his hand fall flat onto his desk, the slap resounding in the taut silence of the room. The coffee cup he rested more gently beside it.
Although his back was to Agent Todd, he heard the quick intake of breath and knew that she had startled.
He did not turn around. "Kate."
Peremptory as it was, she recognised an order when she heard one. Her chair rolled back as she came instantly to her feet.
He was once again moving, this time in the direction of the conference room and though he did not look back, he knew she was in tow.
He was standing in the middle of the carpeted room, his back to her as she came in behind him. She closed the door and Kate thought absently that her movements felt exaggerated, as though she was moving through syrup or had grown very old in mere seconds.
The case was over and with it, her career. Kate had no doubt of that. Every nerve in her body still reverberated from the aftershock of what had gone down in the abandoned warehouse they had just left.
A killer was custody, a dead Marine would have justice but that wasn't what she would remember about this afternoon. The crack of the revolver that sent a bullet into a brick wall within millimetres of Tony DiNozzo's head, echoed through her mind as she knew it would through her memory for a long time to come.
She had almost cost one of the team their lives. Kate could not get past that, the guilt pressed on her like a leaden weight. She feared the fall of the axe that was poised above her but she felt that its blow would be almost a relief.
Gibbs waited through the silence. There were no tears, he noted, no pleading or garbled excuses. The iron self control held though the emotions behind the professional mask were clearly threatening to rend her apart.
He turned, his eyes blazing, his jaw tight but when he spoke, his voice was quiet.
"I have one question," he said. She lifted her gaze to his, refusing to flinch from the blistering anger she saw there.
"Was it worth it?"
Kate swallowed. He placed his hands on his hips and the blue eyes held her pinned like laboratory specimen on a corkboard.
"No."
Her reply was softly spoken but unequivocal. "Am I sorry that monster is in custody? Not for a second. And I am proud that I put him there. But if I had to do it again… If I go back, I would never have put Tony's life in danger."
He saw pain and guilt ripple behind the clear eyes that she kept trained to his own.
"A bit late to reach that conclusion, isn't it?" he said.
Suddenly animated, she paced towards him. "I saw a window. I took my chance," she said, her palm slapping down on the glossy surface of the conference table.
"And that's all you saw. I nearly lost one of my team because of it," he rounded back at her. "You went against everything you were taught out there and that made you the biggest risk to everyone else in the field," he went on, without relent.
She knew he was right and suddenly, there was nothing else to say.
"I'll put my papers in. You'll have my resignation by the end of the day."
"Do you know why I brought you here, Kate?" he asked and the sudden change in direction threw her.
"Law enforcement is my life. I am highly skilled and I trained with the best," she replied, concluding his question referred to his hiring her onto his team.
"No," the Gibbs glare made her stomach turn to water.
"I brought you here -" he jutted his chin to indicate the room around them - "so you can face up to the mistakes you made today. Not run from them."
She frowned, lost completely as the conversation segued yet again in a careening twist that her frazzled wits simply couldn't compute.
Gibbs knew she was sharp, her intellect was finely honed and precise to a near frightening degree. Confidant, self assured and poised, Kate Todd was a force to be reckoned with. She was formidable.
He also knew that she was reeling in every sense of the word. She broke cover on the operation today, a rare mistake. She was not impetuous, nor was she a glory seeker wanting to close the case by herself. If he had believed for one second that this was true of her, she would already be clearing out her desk.
A cold blooded killer almost slipped their net at that warehouse and every fibre of her being had fought against it. She had to learn to bring that instinct under control. It came down to that.
"This can happen two ways. It goes in your jacket, the Director fires your ass. Or we deal with it. Here. Now," he continued.
"I don't understand," she admitted.
"Consequences, Kate. You did something that went far beyond stupid and a man could have died because of it. I'm offering you a way of facing that fact, learning from what happened and moving on," he said.
The sensation of rapid aging came back to Kate. It was as though her mind had grown feeble, lost decades of acumen in mere moments. This inability to follow what he was saying was unlike her and frustrating.
"How?" the question fell from her lips as several scenarios flashed before her mind, each more bizarre than the last.
Gibbs would never ask for a bribe to keep this off her record. And she knew with complete certainty that he was not about to solicit a sexual favour for brushing anything under the carpet.
If Kate had felt less wretched, she would have laughed out loud at the merest flicker of such a thought.
"I will issue your sanction for what happened. My way you keep your job and I guarantee you will be in no hurry to repeat today's debacle," he said.
A chance? He was offering her a second chance? Kate did not know why, nor did she care. The relief was almost joyous.
"Your way. I can accept that," she said.
Her eyes held his, they did not waver and he read her submission. She was bowing to his authority as her boss, as team leader and it was his turn to feel relieved.
She was smart and instinctive but she was willing to be taught, to curb that treacherous impulse to control what was happening around her.
He was furious but he respected her for that. He nodded once and reached to his waist to unbuckle the belt he wore.
Her eyes went wide and for a fleeting heartbeat, she wondered if she was wrong afterall about his intention to proposition her.
Then she saw him pull the belt free of its loops and fold it in his hand, careful to keep the buckle in his palm.
"Lean over the table. You may grip the far edge," he ordered.
"You're going to beat me?" her mouth went dry.
"No. Absolutely not. I'm going to spank you. When we're done, we will put this behind us, Kate."
Her mind whirred trying to process everything that had happened, that was happening.
In the end, only one thing mattered. She had screwed up and he was offering her a way to fix it. Whatever punishment he delivered, it was much, much better than what she deserved. He should be doling out her marching orders.
Without a second further hesitation, Kate obeyed him, resting her cheek against the cool wood of the table, squeezing her eyes closed to shut out the embarrassment that was flaring in her as she realised the vulnerability of her position.
"You broke the most important rule today, Kate. You must always, always have your partner's six," Gibbs said from behind her. "It will not happen again."
Kate would have told him she would never repeat her mistake but the belt fell for the first time and words were suddenly well beyond her.
She drew in a breath as the sting burned and would have bolted upright but she felt his hand against her back, holding her in place.
"Easy. Do as I told you and hold the edge. And do not move," his voice barely penetrated the shock that had clouded her mind.
That had hurt! She drew in a deep, steadying breath and held her place, her knuckles white as she gripped the table's far edge.
He resumed the spanking and Kate bit on her lip, desperate to hold back the cries that burned her throat with each smack.
Gibbs kept careful count but saw her resolve to take her punishment stoically. She had not made a single sound and he knew she was making a valiant attempt to accept her fate.
His brave one, he thought. So determined not to let herself down, not to let him down.
He did not want to break her but he did want to get through the layer of guilt and recrimination she cloaked herself in. This punishment could only be effective if she confronted her feelings after today's incident.
With each swat, Kate felt her nerve giving out. Tears clogged her throat and she knew that the urge to yell out was about to consume her.
"Kate. This ain't supposed to be easy," he said. He was unrelenting and Kate finally felt the swell of tears, hot as lava brim over to cascade down her face.
"Please. Stop. I won't do it again. I won't," she sobbed. He saw her shoulders slump as her breath hitched from crying.
It took several seconds before she realised he had stopped the spanking.
He rubbed gentle circles into her back but said nothing as she lay there, crying as if the world had ended.
Gibbs recognised her tears for what they were, a release and he let her cry for long seconds.
Then, she placed her palms flat on the surface of the table and heaved herself onto her feet.
She didn't meet his eyes, instead, she swabbed her tears with the back of her hand, as she might a stray raindrop and turned to leave.
He was momentarily taken aback. The others on the team each turned to him for comfort after being punished and he always gave it.
He stopped her exit by laying a hand on her shoulder. "Take some time to compose yourself," he said, deciding that she needed some space and privacy to get her equilibrium back.
So he took his leave and was sitting at his desk when she came back to the bullpen some moments later, makeup perfectly applied and only a well disguised redness around her eyes to hint at what had happened.
She went directly to Tony. He looked up from his computer. "Kate, it's ok," he began but she rose a hand to silence him. "It's really not okay. It all went so wrong and it was my fault. Tony I swear, I never meant for you to be in any danger and it won't happen again," she said.
DiNozzo stood up and gave her the patented cheesy grin but his eyes were serious as he looked at her.
"Don't sweat it. I'm used to being in the eye of the storm, at the coal face of law enforcement. I thrive in the face of danger," his swagger was pitch perfect.
Then he reached out and gave her the briefest hug. "It's not a problem Kate," he whispered before letting her go.
"And you really need to do something about that underwire in your bra. You could put someone's eye out with that thing," he said in a louder tone as he stepped back.
She smiled in spite of herself.
"DiNozzo."
Gibbs didn't need to say anything else to have his senior agent take his seat again and bring his focus back to the report he was writing.
Gibbs spent the next few hours clearing some of the paperwork he needed to get through before his meeting with the Director. Although apparently lost in the task, he kept a vigilant eye on Kate, wanting to reassure himself that the harrowing day had not taken more of a toll on her than she could cope with.
He was also disconcerted by her behaviour after the spanking. He knew that she was upset, he would not have expected anything else but she was masking it better than well.
The cool poise was back, impervious and polished. He had never disciplined her physically before and with nothing to gauge this reaction to, he found himself comparing her demeanour to that of her colleagues after they'd been punished.
Abby clung to him, seeking reassurance of his affection and Tony lingered, needing to stay close to him to reaffirm that he had not lost the older man's approval. Tim was the sensitive one, the one who tended to lean to self doubt and his pensive nature often led him to internalise his feeling so that Gibbs always made sure to be available to talk things through afterwards.
Kate was putting on a very capable and convincing show of getting over it.
Coupled with the events in the warehouse, the interaction in the conference room should be resulting in her showing some sign of weariness, strain. She was strong but this steely indifference seemed off to him.
When the others finished for the day, they took their customary leave and he noticed that Kate refused invites to join them for a burger on the way home. Tony and Tim clamoured into the elevator, a string of the usual banter between them trailing in their wake and into the silence that descended in their absence.
He remained, seemingly fixated on his work but keenly aware of her presence.
Half an hour later, he was standing in front of her desk. "Go home, Kate. Enough for today."
She rose her head and met his gaze steadily. "I have things to finish, Boss. An hour, tops."
So she wasn't sulking. He was all set to give her a lecture but the words dried up in his throat.
Seldom was Gibbs caught on the back foot but Kate Todd was one of the few people he knew who could unnerve him.
"Not tonight."
His tone was firm and she nodded. "Very well."
She commenced the process of shutting down her computer and then stood up and shrugged into her coat.
"Goodnight, Kate"
He turned and was at his desk in seconds. "Thank you for today. For, you know, not firing me."
She spoke while he still had his back to her. He listened as her footsteps crossed the government issue carpet to the elevator.
"Not an option, Kate."
Now she turned and he heard her make her way back across the carpet.
"Gibbs, you saved my career. I owe you everything."
He looked up and though the expression in his blue eyes was neutral, insight suddenly churned to life.
She was trying to preserve her efficient, unruffled professional veneer. Agent Todd, cool, calm and collected could not let the image slip. The good girl who did not displease her superiors.
"Debt's been paid Agent Todd."
"If he had died….."
Her voice broke on the words and he wondered how long she had fought saying them aloud.
"He didn't." He turned and faced her, crossing the distance between them in two strides.
"Nothing happened today that won't make you stronger and better in the future. You need a clear head tomorrow. Deal with it and let it go."
She gave him a quick nod. He was right, she knew that. "Goodnight, Gibbs,"
The elevator opened and he watched her leave, still with that unsettled feeling in his gut.
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It was the following day when the unease boiled to full out worry. She was at her desk before he got in. She was focused, earnest and diligent. She ignored DiNozzo's attempt at buffoonery, she didn't take the bait at his innuendo and she ignored not one, not two but three of his blatantly sexist jokes. It was driving Gibbs crazy.
Finally, he tossed the file he was reading onto his desk and got to his feet.
Kate's eyes immediately leapt to follow his movements. Ok, it was getting weird and he was getting tired of it.
"Kate. With me," he called out, stalking to the elevator. "You need us, Boss?" DiNozzo's curiosity was ill disguised. "I call your name?" Gibbs shot back.
"Uh no, Boss. Of course. So, I'll be getting on with this paperwork, then," DiNozzo's rambled even as Kate got woodenly to her feet.
Her colour whitened. She followed Gibbs' quick strides to the elevator like a condemned woman walking to the gallows. In truth, Kate felt nausea sweeping from her stomach. Her skin was suddenly clammy and her lungs had apparently forgotten how to draw breath.
The elevator doors pinged shut and as Gibbs hit the stop button, Kate's heart rate kicked up so that its beat was almost painful against her ribs.
What happened next took them both completely by surprise. He had partially turned to ask her what the Hell was up with her and out of the corner of his eye, he saw her start to fall.
He caught her easily and eased her to the floor, concern kicking up to worry at her pallor. Was this a delayed reaction to the shootout yesterday?
"Kate!"
He tapped her cheek lightly and within seconds, her eyelids fluttered. As they opened, she made to push upright but he held her in place by putting his hands on her shoulders.
"Hold on, now. Hold up and breathe a minute," he said. His worried eyes were intent, she saw.
She looked up at him, several feelings and thoughts clashing and tumbling within her. There was anxiety that he had summoned her again, despite the fact she had applied herself to her work with renewed vigour today.
There was acute embarrassment at having fainted and prevailing above everything else was fear. Was he about to punish her again?
"I'm fine, Gibbs. Just let me get back to work," she said and she hoped he missed the slight quaver in her voice.
He didn't. "Not happening, Kate."
His eyes narrowed. If he didn't know better, he's have said she was afraid.
He frowned. Afraid. Something clicked for Gibbs and suddenly, it all made sense. The desperation to show her capability at her job. The aloofness. The fainting.
"What's going on?" he asked her, though he was starting to get a very clear picture.
"Dizzy spell. I am fine now, Gibbs," she replied.
"Lie to me again and fine won't come close to covering it," he said softly, his eyes piercing the fragile layer of confidence she had spun.
Her eyes shot to his. "Lie? Gibbs." She swallowed. "I can't talk about this," she admitted and this was the absolute truth.
"Try," his voice was gentle now.
"Yesterday. Yesterday was tougher than I thought," she said.
"I know that I said, I know that I said I could handle doing things your way but… I didn't think I would feel so.. Scared," she admitted, clasping her hands and resting them on her knees. She studied her fingers like she was trying to memorise the pattern of the faint lines on her skin.
"Of me?" Gibbs knew that his team had a healthy respect for his authority. He cultivated it and enforced his command whenever he needed to. But instilling fear, that was a different thing, a much less palatable thing.
Mortification burned through Kate, an unpleasant, invisible acid that scorched through her veins.
"I didn't know that I would feel like this, after you spanked me, I mean, I didn't think…," her words petered out as humiliation choked the words.
"Have you ever been spanked before Kate?" he asked.
She shook her head, still averting her eyes.
He'd been kneeling above her. Now, he sighed deeply and lowered himself to sit beside her on the elevator floor.
He rested his elbows on his knees and shot her a sideways glance. The picture had come together at last.
"Why in Hell didn't you tell me?" he demanded.
"It isn't like I didn't have it coming, Gibbs. That and more," she said.
He could have kicked himself. He could have throttled her. It was a tough call but he decided to do neither.
"Yup. But I seem to remember telling you that once it was done, the slate was clean."
She nodded. Yes, he had.
"If I had known that you had never received that kind of punishment before, I would have explained better. I asked you a question in the conference room yesterday. Do you remember?" he looked down at her, waiting.
"You asked if I knew why you brought me there," Kate's response was accompanied by a flush that crept up her neck.
"And you told me that it was because you are trained with the best, that your life is in law enforcement. You were wrong then. I should have made sure you understood the right answer before spanking you," he said.
Kate had thought that it wasn't possible to feel worse but she'd been wrong. Her heart sank. Was he going to fire her afterall?
"You are here because you are one of the finest agents I've ever worked with. Not because you are trained to be but because you have an instinct for the job. You're smart, Too smart to let a situation take control of you, as it did yesterday," his words caused Kate to regard him with interest and for the first time that day, without trepidation.
"I punished you so that you will remember that. I don't want to lose an important member of this team," he said.
"And I put Tony in danger," she finished.
"You recognised that. It won't happen again." He spoke with complete certainty. If only he had believed that yesterday, she thought.
"What you bring to this team cannot be replaced, Kate. I don't want to lose you. If it takes a spanking to make you think about that, then so be it," he shot her a sideways glance.
She could not have been more stunned if he had grown feathers. "I didn't know, I didn't think of it that way," she stammered.
"It's a conversation we should have had before the spanking," he said quietly.
"I was embarrassed. I knew I deserved it but I was ashamed that I didn't take it with more backbone. I couldn't tell you. I wish I had," she said softly.
"I need us to be clear, now," he eyed her carefully.
"Clear, Gibbs," and she was sounding much more like Kate. Definitive and confidant. He detected no trace of the manufactured bravado she had exhibited since last night.
He stood up and reached down, extending his hand. She took it and he yanked her to her feet.
"Boss? I need for DiNozzo never to find out I fainted." She faced the closed doors of the elevator and he smiled, hit the floor button and stuck his hands into his pockets.
The elevator juddered into motion. The doors hissed open.
"What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator."
She breathed a sigh of relief.
"Course the way I see it, no way of knowing if you were overcome from sitting close to the fumes of his aftershave all morning," he smiled and she laughed outright.
"Lesser women have succumbed," 'she chuckled.
"He thinks that's down to something other than too much aftershave," Gibbs blue eyes twinkled lightly and Kate was happy to realise that everything felt normal again. She stepped forward with the grace and self assurance that was unmistakeably hers.