Warning: Not much for this one chapter… a bit shonen-ai perhaps… but I did warn you. Oh yes… Shinji agonizes himself for his actions… but what else is new?

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters and I do not make any money of this.

Chapter 1

Tattered paper/ Tainted evening

Sorry about leaving without warning you but you were sleeping and I had a thing I had to do. I really enjoyed last night and all… don't take the talk that seriously, I was sleepy and I say stupid things when I'm sleepy… we'll talk about that later. Anyway, we'll see each other later I hope. I feel really well near you and I hope we could do this again… skip the self pitying part… promise.

Shinji

That was probably the most stupid thing he had ever done, Shinji thought. There was no need to leave the paper… firstly it wasn't like they had anything planned for the morning so he wouldn't be skipping anything. But the thought of Kaworu waking up to find the mattress next to him empty with no explanation… Shinji didn't want him to get the wrong idea (although he wasn't sure what the good idea was). He really liked being with him… maybe too much. The second thing was how he made the excuse seem so made up that not even he could believe… but he had a good reason; he just didn't feel comfortable telling it to Kaworu. And then there was the third thing about writing the paper… which was the final statement he wrote… and if it hadn't been so difficult writing it he would have erased it and tried to rewrite in a less vague way (which was impossible since his own thoughts about what he should write were very vague).

Anyway; stupid or not he had to write it… not because he felt an explanation was needed; it was more of an assurance. That was it… Shinji was trying to make sure that Kaworu understood that he had liked the time he had spent with the older boy. Even after the bath scene (which still grinded Shinji's mind with improper thoughts… and doubts) and the way he always spoke so distantly and in riddles that you didn't know if it was his fault or yours for not understanding; he had really come to enjoy his company… he felt quite inhibited, a thing that Shinji rarely felt. And it was perhaps that inhibition that had caused the abrupt ending of the night before… and the worst part was he had really meant everything he had said.

Shinji was mesmerized… in the few hours he had spent talking with the red eyed boy he had revealed more to his life than after a year living with Misato. He had only been this confident and sincere with Ayanami… Shinji fought those thoughts trying to ward off the demons that lay waiting in his mind… at least for this night he wanted to be sane (at least as sane as he could be). But that didn't explain why he was so eager to share the story of his life with Kaworu.

Why am I telling him all of this…?

Shinji looked over to the bed next to his and froze at the sudden red glowing gaze that met his shy blue one. Kaworu was looking directly at him, intent on establishing visual contact. That was a bit too intimate for the young boy, making his cheeks blush lightly… and yet he did not back off or avert the stare; he was too enraptured with Kaworu's expression. He was smiling… but the way his expression was you could bet that he would start crying at any given time, and there was a significant trace of longing for in his eyes. The silence grew longer and Shinji's awkwardness intensified… the more he looked at Kaworu's red eyes the more he wished they were closer (closer… a thing that went against Shinji's every instinct). It was Kaworu who broke the silence, but if Shinji had known what he was about to say…

"I think I was born to meet you…"

The younger boy gasped as reality broke right before his eyes leaving two glowing red eyes focused on his own. His blush brightened the red colour now spreading to his nose as well. That was another thing about Kaworu that mesmerized Shinji… his ability to like him; it dulled all his old instincts… it made him believe in chance. The young boy stirred and tried to speak but his mouth refused to emit any sound opening and closing as if gasping for breath. Kaworu moved in his bed closer to Shinji slowly stretching his arm to touch him.

"I mean… I don't think it is coincidence that I have met you here… I really think I was born to be close to you…"

Kaworu's hand took Shinji's own in the same manner he had in the shower: warm, possessive and restraining. It spoke to Shinji in many levels; spoke of poetry; romance in a way it made it sound so attainable; human beauty with Kaworu's skin and contours haunting Shinji since the time he had stared and stared and tried not to seem interested… but it also ordered Shinji in a very dark and hidden level. Shinji reacted a little too late to make it seem he hadn't liked the contact… he retreated from Kaworu's touch as if trying to run away. Kaworu reacted by getting even closer to Shinji with a worried look.

"Is there something a matter Shinji?"

Shinji broke their eye contact and looked down with a guilty expression. "It's nothing… it's just that saying that… saying you want to be close to me… saying that it was your fate to be close to me…"

"Yes…?"

Shinji looked back at Kaworu with a blank expression but the tears forming on the rim of his eyes denounced his true feelings at that moment. "Saying that it's…it's such a c-cruel thing to say…"

Kaworu furrowed his brows not understanding the young boy's reaction. "What do…?"

"Everyone who I've ever met…" Shinji cut him off, his speech coming out coldly "… everyone who I've ever met… became related to… cared for. They were hurt and I've become hurt by our relationship. Everyone who I've come to be close to has suffered. So when you say you were born to meet me… to be close to me… what are you saying?"

"I meant to say that I think I was born tobe near you and inlove with you…"

Shinji gasped… those words… he had heard them already that same day coming from the same person. They stung numbing all his reactions; he couldn't do anything to stop the reaction; it was like honey dripping down his spine and a fire burning in his chest as if he had drunk something from Misato's glass (strange experience… too many side effects). Beyond him was the right expression. But he continued relentlessly.

"So you're saying you were born to suffer and hurt me… isn't that a cruel thing to say?"

Kaworu stopped trying to come close to the young boy… how could words hurt him so much? God's own avenger defeated by mere reasoning… he returned to his bed turning his back to Shinji.

"Sleep well Shinji-kun…"

"Oyasumi Kaworu-kun…"

Shinji sighed trying to find a reason for his actions… why had he said that? He knew he had probably hurt the older boy… he didn't want him to suffer but… Kaworu was… a stranger; that was the word… he had known him for less than a week and there he was writing him an apology and asking him to see him again.

It almost sounds like I want to go out with him…

The thought was supposed to be funny… but Shinji blushed as he contemplated the possibility of a date with the grey haired boy; candle light, good food, nice and soft breeze… Kaworu holding han...

The young boy shrugged anddeleted those strange wonderings off his mind. He sighed and folded the small paper and placed it in the small table of Kaworu's entrance; he hadn't bothered to look at the rest of the flat, there was no need. He was going for the door handle and paused for a moment and grabbed the paper from the table.

Might as well make sure this is the first thing he sees… don't want him to worry…

He walked silently to Kaworu's living room not wanting to wake him, trying not to wake the older boy up… the moment he arrived at the room he could feel his blush forming as he stared at the sleeping youth… the world "beautiful" popped up in his head and it was all he could think as his mind melted at sudden feelings he wasn't used to feel. All he could do was gawk at him his body curled around a pillow his long arms hugging it closely against his body, his face was nuzzled against it and a thin fragile smile crossed his lips. Shinji gulped at a sudden mental image…

Wish I was that p…

Shinji shook his head… that way lay madness. Unable to fight the glowing red colour climbing his face, Shinji breathed deeply and went closer to the bed, his arm stretched out to place the paper on the pillow (a bit unnecessary since he could place it by the bed table... but let's help Shinji in his self denial andpretend he just wanted to leave the paper where Kaworu would find it)… he placed his knee on the bed for support trying not to wake the other boy up.

"Hmm… Shinji, is that you?" Kaworu woke up and quickly stood up to sit in bed, his eyes still drowsy.

"Kaworu… I-I… AAAH…"

The dark haired boy lost balance and fell face-first onto Kaworu's lap. He came up as quickly as he could (which wasn't that fast since Shinji didn't quite grasp the whole time-distortion/embarrassment effect…) blushing crimson and trying to pull himself under enough control not to seem pleased… in which he failed utterly, a smile threatening to form on the borders of his lips.

Darn it, darn it, darn it...

Shinji remembered he was not alone and quickly jumped out of bed.

"I'm really sorry Kaworu I was just checking… I was going out and just wanted to leave you this..." Kaworu quicklyinterrupted Shinji taking his hand.

"You're going out? Isn't it a bit early?" The pleading was shamefully obvious. "You should at least have breakfast… it would at least not make me feel like a bad host…"

"I-It's just a thing I have to do… we'll see each other later today, ok?"

Kaworu's eyes widened and he gave a hesitant, almost defeated nod. Shinji nodded back and started to walk away as Kaworu reluctantly let go of his arm. The moment he exited the bedroom's door he shook his head… still the intoxicating odour lingered. He walked through the hall and went for the doorknob. He grabbed it.

"Shinji wait…"

The younger boy gasped as a pair of hands took hold of his arms, restraining him; he didn't hear him approaching, let alone have time enough to react. Kaworu's breath wafted through his hair, tickling his ear. The hands motioned Shinji closer against the older boy's body, but only slightly living the choice up to Shinji.

I musn't run... I musn't run... I musn't...

"Tell me Shinji…" Kaworu's calm but warm tone vibrated against Shinji's right ear revealing how truly close they were to each other.

"Hmm…?" The questioning snivel was all that the dark haired boy could utter. Kaworu's right hand descended in a small caress to hold his hand, making Shinji shiver… it was like warm ice.

"Tell me… does it hurt you? Does it hurt you if I hold you like this?" Kaworu's finger's entwined with Shinji's.

The boy slowly turned around to meet the warm and comforting intent look of the red eyed boy waiting for an answer… yet hoping for the answer to be at least self-explanatory. Shinji's other hand released the door handle and slowly came to meet Kaworu's hand by his arm… just one moment of weakness… letting his guard down… letting chance decide. Kaworu's hand involuntarily flinched and that tripped something in Shinji's mind… he stopped his hand's course bring it back to the door handle.

"It hurts if you let go." He turned the knob and exited leaving Kaworu by the door, speechless.

The boy looked down at the hand that had been holding Shinji's… there was a small piece of paper. He read attentively trying to find an answer. As he finished reading it he suppressed the tears. He looked up to the ceiling as if there was something else there.

It's not my choice if I should let go off him or not… is it Father?

He couldn't fight the tears no longer… the angel cried.