Pinocchio
A/N: What defines a crack fic? Not sure. Anyway. Thank you very much Prescripto13. You inspired me to write this one. :)
Spoilers: Not sure.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. If I did, Sasuke would have been way cooler.
Rated: Just for some strong language.
Genre: Mindfunk and humor. Yes I did. Oh yes I did.
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Naruto was hokage.
Naturally that fact was a continual source of angst and drama for the missing-nin. Except Sasuke took over Otogakure, and subsequently became the first Otokage. A powerful title to be sure. But it hadn't been the position he'd wanted. Still, working in the dark did offer it's many advantages. The dark-haired Uchiha, holding clandestine reports and hearsay from the underground, was checking up on the progress of his statue on the lazy afternoon when the call came in. A frog leapt up behind the Uchiha's shadow and croaked. Sasuke stopped.
He glanced behind in a suave manner, straining his eyes so as to not move his head any significant degree. Sasuke noticed there was a scroll tied around the summon's neck, in a pouch. The Uchiha groaned. Openly. And every lackey that heard the noise surely stopped their work and turned, "Are you all right sir?" came the first reply from near Sasuke's left.
The Uchiha slapped him away like he were a fly. The man flew back forty feet.
Sasuke bent down and untied the item, peeling away the first layer slowly. Reading the first few words in sloppy katakana, the Uchiha cursed.
"W-What is it, sir?" asked another, afraid of the contents and also his ruler.
"You," Sasuke intoned without care. "You may accompany me."
"W-Where?"
Sasuke glanced at the chuunin with a cold black stare. "Konohagakure."
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Naruto was hokage.
Naturally everyone was very concerned about that. Not only did paperwork suffer, but even the ever-faithful tower lackeys were beginning to grumble. Raidou wasn't going to take anymore. No sir. Sakura couldn't blame the man. Once again as she entered the office, Naruto wasn't there. There was a fairly large stack of paperwork building up on the floor, having overflowed from the desk. One of several piles. And Sakura was fairly certain Naruto wasn't on a mission. Usually she was notified of such an outing. So she looked out the window behind the desk and sure enough, Naruto was observing with unbridled glee (and a few passionate instructions) his face being carved into the mountainside.
"My nose isn't that big!" Naruto screamed to one of the men clinging to the rock, suspended there only by a rope and some buckles. "And you! What are you doing over there! You're making me look like a girl! I have a jaw you know!"
Sakura cleared her throat.
Naruto straightened like a board. "…Carry on!" He called suddenly, with a cheerful smile and a wave. "So...uh…Sakura!" he laughed quickly, closing his eyes. "What's up?"
"Naruto," she sighed, as if she'd explained this to him for the tenth time, "You have to put your signature on some important papers back in the office. If you don't, there's going to be a massive problem with the transit papers of all the—"
The hokage scrunched his nose. He began moving his mouth as if he had his old sensei's sharingan, mimicking Sakura word for word. "…Naruto are you even listening to me?!" Sakura suddenly complained.
Naruto was about to respond when he glanced back at his face-in progress. The hokage was about to call out about his eyes when Naruto noticed there was someone standing on top of his hair, which was poking out of the stone in a spiked fashion. "…He's here." The jinchuuriki whispered.
Sakura closed her mouth. She followed Naruto's line of sight and she gasped, a little breathless.
"Hey…" Naruto began, speaking loudly, "I wanna talk to you."
One of the carvers looked the kage's way nervously and called back, "But your nose is smaller now…see?"
Naruto blushed.
Sasuke came forward with a suave leap, leaving no trace of dust on his black cape. The only speckles that appeared were in Sakura's eyes, blushing at his loose form and steady gaze, unchanged with the passage of time. "I think I know what this is about," Sasuke responded coolly. He withdrew the scroll from an inner pocket. "And I want you to know Naruto, that I don't want to be given this proposition ever again. I told you before, it's pointless," and dropped the scroll into the dirt. It burst into flames from a special jutsu and smoldered there. All that soon remained was ash.
"…What…are you two…talking about?" Sakura questioned curiously.
Just then, an ANBU team flanked Naruto on both sides. There were six of them. One of them was Kiba. "I thought I smelled him," the man remarked sorely over the stench.
Naruto looked aside. "Go," he ordered seriously. "Sakura and I can handle this. Besides. I invited him here."
"Naruto…I hate to keep reminding you that's illegal," Shino said calmly from behind a mask.
"Yeah I know," the hokage shrugged.
Sakura facepalmed.
The ANBU left, but they only retreated to a safer, watchful distance. Sakura looked between the two. "What is this about? What was the proposition?" she demanded, as if it was her business to know.
The two men (eyes locked in mortal combat) remained reticent. Sakura had to demand the inquiry again. Finally, Sasuke helped her out. "He has a way for me to come back to the village."
"What?!" Sakura contained a happy grin.
"But I'm not gonna take it."
"WHAT?!" Sakura moved one foot to slug her former teammate but she froze in place, looking between Sasuke and Naruto. "WHAT! WHAT IS IT?! AND WHY NOT!?"
Sasuke merely muttered…"Because."
"BECAUSE WHY!"
"Because I would have to forfeit some…delicate information," Sasuke said.
"WHAT IS THAT!" SAKURA ASKED VERY EAGERLY.
Naruto stared evenly.
Sasuke stared back. "…I can't say," Konoha's missing-nin said simply. "Because as I told you before…even I don't know what I saw that day."
"WHAT! WHAT DID YOU SEE SASUKE-KUN!" SAKURA GASPED.
Naruto obliged her, "Sasuke saw…behind…Kakashi's mask."
"WHAT!" Sakura screamed very loudly, and at length.
Sasuke imagined the shrieking noise could be heard all the way back to his new home-town. He glared at her. "I don't know what I saw."
"Sasuke you stupid idiot, you do know what you saw and I want you to tell me dammit!" Naruto argued hotly, molding his fingers into a tight fist.
Sakura, still with her hands over her mouth, trembled—both her and Naruto waiting for Sasuke to speak. The Uchiha sighed, looking between them. "It came off in the heat of battle, during the war…And as I told you before…I don't know what I saw. It was faraway, and I was sweaty, and there was dust everywhere, and Lee—or maybe Karin was shouting something at me—"
"LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!" Naruto shouted at his former teammate.
"How would you know? You were still fucking out of it and talking to nine tails half the time!"
Sakura glared. "How dare you! I didn't mean to give him the wrong meds! It was an accident, I swear! Besides, he was only out for a short time—"
"All the more reason for you to have told me!" Naruto responded to Sasuke, over Sakura. "You can talk to Kurama too! Or was that too much for you mister 'I have to make a late entrance'!"
"I don't have to tell you," Sasuke argued, "Even if I did know," the Uchiha preened with a small smile.
"WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!" Both Sakura and Naruto gasped scandalously.
"I'M NOT TELLING!" Sasuke shouted back.
"WHAT, YOU'RE NOT TELLING BECAUSE YOU KNOW, OR BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW?!" Sakura shouted back.
Naruto was beginning to lose track of the tiresome conversation. "OH!" he wailed to Sasuke and Sakura, "YOU'RE BOTH SUCH SMARTASSES!"
"WELL WHO WAS IT WHO KEPT YOU ALIVE, DIMWIT!" Sakura eagerly barked.
"YEAH? WELL THANKS FOR GIVING ME LEE'S SECRET POTION AFTERWARD!"
Sasuke's cool form suddenly burst out laughing, responding over Sakura's hapless defense, "...Ooo, nine tails, let's link everyone's cha-tora!" he mimicked in a drunken manner, flapping his hands.
Then the actual fighting started.
Sasuke was knocked on the ground from Naruto's flying fist and Sakura held back Naruto, although she was also trying to get a punch in herself on the hokage.
The wrestling lasted for almost an hour.
The ANBU were taking notes…then decided to go out for pizza—Akamaru and Shino's bugs leading the charge.
Then all of a sudden, a blue-green figure appeared on the mountainside, in the same position Sasuke had been.
The three young adults were stopped by a flying kunai, sharp, and sent precisely from that position.
"There!" Sasuke suddenly pointed passionately, "THAT'S WHAT I SAW!"
"…I don't…see…anything…"
"EXACTLY! NOW LET ME GO YOU RETARD!"
Except when their sensei came forward, he had his mask on.
"But I didn't see anything," Naruto muttered, dusting off his pants. "He was too far away…"
"Neither did I," Sakura muttered back, wiping her brow.
"Sasuke…" Kakashi smiled with his lone eye. "Would you like a ten, or thirty-second head-start today?"
Sasuke blinked. "I'll…um…take a minute..."
The Uchiha disappeared.
Kakashi readied his gear: he lifted his headband from his left eye and produced kunai, shuriken…the works. Each blade glinting meanly. The red eye, most of all.
Naruto and Sakura stared.
Kakashi simply smiled, tilting his head affectionately over his former students. "Naruto, I told you not to invite Sasuke to the village. See what you get into?" Their clothes were dirty and torn.
Naruto actually found himself speechless. Sakura, however, had some luck clearing her throat. "S-Sensei…?"
"Yes Sakura?"
"…Where's your wife?"
"At home, alone…why?"
Naruto and Sakura looked at each other.
They disappeared.
Kakashi cursed at their retreating forms.
Unfortunately, the copy nin had to stand there another thirty seconds, twirling the kunai in his finger before he could move in pursuit of the renegade. But before he left, he was detained by one of the carvers. "Hey…do you think this looks ok?" he asked, finding only the jounin standing there.
Kakashi looked at it. "Well…I definitely think the nose is too small."
The man blinked. He deadpanned, after having overhead all the shouting and seen all the rumbles of the former team seven. "Yeah…you should talk…"
Kakashi knew what the man said, thanks to the Sharingan. But Kakashi disappeared anyway. He chased after Sasuke while hoping his wife, Yuugao, still had the frying pan in her hand from the incident that morning. Why was it that white lies from a white-haired man were so bad…?
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Lol, I bet Jiraiya knows why…
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Please review this madness!
From yours truly (insanely),
-Kariko Emma, Caliko
; )