Legal Crap: Everything Owned By Whoever It's Owned By.

Metal Gear Solid and related material owned by Konami.
Megaman and related material owned by Capcom.
Lei owned by Steph.
Elysia owned by Crow, Darkness Nest Inc.
Anything else owned by whoever.

Mega Gear Cyri X

Tactical Bishounen Action

By Crow CHAPTER ONE

Chocolate and Bunnies

            It had been a wet evening. The clouds hung low in the sky; rain had poured not long ago, and was likely to fall once more soon.

            In a stout, unassuming building, however, rain was the least of the world's worries.

            "ZERO!"

            The tall, lanky blond reploid almost jumped at the sound of metal slamming against metal. He forced his attention back to the task at hand.

            "Er…yeah?"

            "Zero…" The speaker was a Reploid who towered above most others. Known simply as "Colonel", he was currently the leader of the New RepliForce. Rumors abounded that he was a resurrected Colonel from the ages old RepliWars, but Zero didn't give a rat's ass. He had quit the Maverick Hunters years ago; now he had other goals. But, it seemed that someone always pulled him back in… Suddenly, Zero realized Colonel was speaking again.

            "…and so, that's why… Zero, did you hear a single word I said?"

            A cat's cradle was stretched in the red one's hands. "Yeah. Blah blah blah, stolen weapon of mass destruction, yadda yadda, huge ransom, yak yak yak, pick up cheese on the way home."

            Zero soon found himself with his hands tied behind his back. The two guard robots left as quickly as they'd entered, and Colonel resumed.

            "Now then. Zero… Zero Zero…"

            "Zero Zero Zero SPIT IT THE HELL OUT."

            The Colonel sighed. This would be…difficult.

            "Zero. We need your aid here. We NEED this weapon returned at all costs."

            "Or what, Sigma'll return AGAIN? Get a fucking handgun; watch your own asses."

            "Look, Zero. You don't have a choice in the matter."

            The crimson one blinked, a lock of blonde falling into his eyes. "Come again?"

            The Colonel shook his head, then waved his hand at a mirror. Soon, a short, thin woman walked in. Her short brown hair fell almost to her eyes, and her outfit left…very little to the imagination.

            "Zero, this is Lei. She'll explain what's going on, and why we need your help. At ANY cost." His eyes narrowed. "AND why you can't refuse."

            Lei glanced at Zero, then smacked him senseless with her clipboard when he stuck his tongue out.

            "Quiet, infidel."

            Zero shook his head to stop the birdies, and glared at her. "I didn't say anything!"

            Lei smacked him upside the head again. "You just did."

            While the little men in Zero's head started trying to put his brain back in order, Lei sat on a chair next to the Colonel, crossing her legs.

            "Now then. What we have here is what people in the know, like myself, call 'a really big fucking deal'." She uncrossed her legs and clicked her heels together as she stood. She walked over to Zero and yanked his head back by the ponytail. "And you're the one who's going to FIX it."

            He yelped. "Hey! Get off the hair!"

            And Lei let him go, letting him snap his head forward as he suddenly had to stop pulling. "You might have noticed that we've removed your armor and weapons."

            If he'd had a free hand, Zero would've been rubbing his braid. As it was, he glanced over his shoulder at her. "Yeah. Why?"

            She shrugged. If she cared any for his discomfort, she didn't show it. "Because we felt like it. Besides, they would've been detected by sensors."

            "WHAT sensors?"

            "The ones in Alaska. That's where you're going."

            A bewildered look crossed Zero face. "Why?"

            Lei sighed and looked at him as though he was an abnormally stupid child. "Because, you idiot, that's where the Zero Unit is."

            The Zero Unit. Zero's old unit. He used to lead it, before he died about 5 times. Then he quit. So, what did THEY have to do with this…?

            Noticing that she seemed to be out of his knowledge, Lei kicked Zero's shin. "Keep listening, you dipshit." She ignored Zero's cry of pain as she got her notes in order. "Twenty four hours ago, we received a transmission from our Alaskan Training Facility. Colonel?"

            There wasn't a reply.

            After a minute, she turned around. "Colonel?"

            He wasn't even in the room.

            Soon, however, he walked back in. In his hand was a cup of coffee; on his cheek, the mark of lipstick.

            "…What?"

            Zero winced and turned his head; Lei was beating the shit out of the Colonel already.

            Soon enough, it was over. The Colonel managed to stumble into a chair, his head spinning wildly. And Lei was calmly standing by Zero again.

            "My head… Anyway… Zero, recently the Zero Unit seems to have gone terrorist. They've threatened to release a highly concentrated and purified form of the Maverick Virus, should they not receive $5,000,000,000 and the body of Dr. Albert Wily within 72 hours."

            Zero just stared at him. "…And…?"

            Lei sighed, and then kicked him. "You idiot. Do you WANT to be a Maverick?"

            He just grinned up at her. "How do you know I'm NOT?"

            She sighed and bitchslapped him. "Well, the fact that you haven't killed anyone in weeks helps."

            "Oh yeah… There IS that…"

            The Colonel cut in. "Zero, your equipment won't be returned until you aid us. Also, if you don't help us, there's a chance Iris might get loose…"

            He gulped, and his eyes bugged. "Ok! Ok, I'll help!"

            A week later, a plane flew over Alaska. Zero was sitting inside of it, second-guessing his situation.

            "Well, Iris wouldn't be THAT bad… Probably better than getting killed here…"

            He squirmed a bit. "Colonel, do I HAVE to be in this?"

            His superior turned back and studied Zero for a moment, done up like a chocolate Easter bunny in a large basket. "Yes. Intelligence informs us that the enemy has a thing for sweets."

            "Why does that not comfort me?"

            Lei glanced back at him from her seat next to the Colonel. "Look, you bumbling dolt, just get the job done, and shut up before I tear out your circuit boards."

            When this only made Zero stick his tongue out in response, she beaned him with her clipboard.

            "Hey Bill-02."

            "ey, Bob-61."

            "Kinda cold here, huh?"

            "Yep."

            "So, job treatin' ya well?"

            "Basically. How 'bout you?"

            "Walking along walls, shooting at thin air every few minutes? Can't complain."

            "Any word from the boss?"

            "Nope. Oh, hold on."

            Bill stepped to the edge of the catwalk he was standing on. And as Bob watched thoughtfully, the moon's light glinted off an object in the distance.

            BLAM!

            "Hah! Snowbunny! Fifty points!"

            "Snowbunny? Looked more like a snowman." The Sniper Joe known as Bob-61 slowly shook his cycloptic head. "You set that up earlier, didn't you?"

            Bill-02 did his best to feign disbelief. "Bob-61! How dare you suggest that! Why, I'm a CRACKSHOT! Why would I need to create fake targets?"

            "Because you're made from old Atari 2600s?"

            "WHY YOU…!"

            Were the two sentries more serious about their assigned tasks, they might have noticed the strange package being dropped onto the tundra. As it was, it didn't matter in the end; the basket smashed through some thin ice, and ended up in the freezing sea surrounding the compound.

            And inside the chocolate bunny in said basket, Zero was trying to keep his hair from freezing and breaking off.

            Our crimson hero screamed loudly, sitting bolt upright in bed.

            "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH-oh. It was a dream." Zero blinked a few times, and stepped out of bed. "Whew…just a dream."

            And then he woke up, realizing he was laying face down on an underground dock, covered in melted chocolate.

            "…fuck."

~End Chapter 1~