The ultimate hunt
Disclaimer: I do not own AvP or anything from the movie. This parody however is mine. Keep your fingers off it!
A.N.: This is written for the sole purpose of serving as a Mary Sue PARODY. Do not take this story seriously! Sometimes the only way to fight hell is to laugh about it.
WARNING: This will include major violations of each and every single rule of creative writing, including extreme fluffiness. Be prepared.
SANE AUTHOR'S POV
The lights of the console flashed on in a bright red as they entered the planet's orbit. With an anticipating trill, the three aliens glanced at their hunting ground: A little dot of blue and white, compared to their home world. And yet, this planet had brought forth their greatest enemy. Amazing.
For a long time, their race had thought of the kainde amedha as the ultimate prey. The ebony hard meat that, despite being technologically more than underdeveloped, was harder to kill than ten of every other known prey. They had been the final challenge. Up to now.
Word had taken long to reach the Yautja, and long had their elders debated before they finally decided on what to do. They would not send the young bloods. This new enemy was too shady, too tricky to be taken on by anyone but their most experienced hunters. And so, it was three blooded hunters that now found themselves staring at the planet in a mix of curiosity, excitement and just the slightest twinge of anxiety. This was an unusual enemy and it would require all their skill to bring it down.
MARY SUE AUTHOR'S POV
Diamond walks slowly through the halls of the stone pyramid (Never mind there is no reason for her to be there, harhar) and a shiver runs down her spine. She is 5 feet 4 tall, with the body of a naturally goddess and top model, skin the colour of soft gold and long, flowing reddish blonde hair and astonishingly gorgeous amber/marine blue/emerald/pick unusual colour eyes. She wears black 6 inch high heels never mind nobody can walk for long in such a torture device and brand new designer clothing, including a tight blue jeans and a half-transparent top that starts and ends just below the borders of what is allowed in PG rated fanfics. Her nails were perfectly polished, her teeth white as the snow and her voice was that of an angel. Hell, why not.
So Diamond walks through the halls of the pyramid and suddenly there is this big, hulky creature standing in front of her. It wears large pieces of armour and is at least two feet taller than she, has long dreadlocks and a freaky mask and a gun on its shoulder (don't we all love them, huh?).
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" A loud and for only God knows what reason transcribed scream leaves her throat as the creature roars at her. But since Diamond is a really tough girl with A-grades in everything and no character flaws and weaknesses at all, she stops quickly and tilts her head to the side. "Oh, you are a Predator, right? One of those huge, scary aliens from the movie, right? I've seen all parts of it. The movies are lame, there is really no romance in them, but so much blood and splatter and gore and yuck, but I loved the Predators. They looked just like you, just a little more dangerous and never mind you are probably going to kill me I will still fall madly in love with you now. You are so fluffy after all, with all your blades and spear and cannon ready to blow my head off and ugly face and reptile hands and stuff. Hey, do you like ice cream? I know a really good shop up there by Central Park and…" (tells her whole' life's freaking story)
"…and then, one time, I went to the toilet with my girls and then one of the guys came in and it was so embarrassing and-" A clicking sound suddenly comes from behind her and the Su- erghh, Diamond, holds her breath and she turns around and there is another Predator. So she looks up, draws a short sigh, smiles her tooth paste commercial smile and turns around again. "Anyway, where was I? Oh-" Suddenly, the Sue realises that the first Predator has dropped dead. Astonished, she looks at her hyper modern watch/compass/handy/multi-functional mp3-player and notices that three days have passed since she started talking. Patting the fallen alien shortly on its masked head, Diamond whispers a sorry and turns to the other one.
SANE AUTHOR'S POV
He glanced shortly at this fallen comrade, before facing the female again. A female. The gods help him – a FEMALE! Dare he even fight her? She was unarmed he could see, not to mention the fact that she looked like a piece of glass right about to shatter. The clothing she wore was not even worth mentioning and he wondered shortly how she even managed to stay warm in a place like this.
Reaching for the spear on his back, he took a careful look around, changing between vision modes every few seconds. The beast that they had come to hunt, the beast that had most likely killed his comrade still had to be somewhere near. He wondered whether the female had seen anything, but since she was unharmed, he could only guess she had been lucky enough to stumble over his comrade when the beast was already gone. Growling shortly, he turned to leave again.
MARY SUE AUTHORS POV
The predator turns to leave again. A sad smile crosses her face. "How can you?" She whispers, but does not shed a tear. (Diamond is strong, she never sheds a tear harhar) "How can you leave me? Have you forgotten the beautiful relationship we had?"
Immediately, the predator (god is he sexy, Diamond thinks) turns around again, wrist blades ready for combat, the spear firmly held in his right hand. Miraculously and through some dumb perversion of luck that no sane person needs to understand, the unearthly beast starts talking perfect English. "Relationship? What relationship? I just met you thirty seconds ago. Have you hurt your head? Drunk too much? Drugs?"
"But we were a couple!" Diamond cries loudly. "Don't you remember? You said you loved me and that I was the most beautiful thing you've ever seen and that you didn't mind the fact that your race could never accept a cry baby like me and that you would give your life for me and that you wanted me to bear your children never mind we don't even know if that's anatomically possible."
Her words echo in his ear and suddenly understanding clicks in. Letting the spear fall to the ground, he raises a hand and gently caresses her cheek and whispers softly. "Now I remember, Diamond! You are the love of my life! Never mind I'm a brutal predatory monster, I would never hurt you. You who are as beautiful and pure as the gem that your name comes from, you the goddess of all Su- ergh women! Hunt what? Let's go back home and bake some cookies, alright?"
A huge smile stretches over Diamond's face as she hugs him and feels his arms gently come around her. "I knew you wouldn't ditch me… Kal'he'sho-e(insert as many dumb syllables and apostrophise as possible)"
Upon hearing the dumb name that she gives him, the Predator drops dead.
SANE AUTHOR'S POV
An irritated growl left his mandible-framed mouth as the life sign of his second comrade vanished. May the gods put the foulest curse onto this new enemy who managed to kill two of the Yautja's best in a matter of minutes. He would put an end to this, right here and now. By the honour of his clan and his fallen brothers – he would avenge their death and slaughter the beast that had defeated them.
He moved quickly, but still without making a sound. He would have to be careful. Activating his cloak, he stepped into the corridor where his fallen comrades lay. Between them, her eyes wide open as if she wondered what had just happened, stood a female ooman. Scanning the area with all vision sets, he noticed that there simply was no other life sign near them. Whatever had killed his brothers was still there. And then, he noticed something very peculiar.
None of his brothers had any wounds. They still wore their full armour and where – apart from the obvious fact that they were dead – completely spared. No stabs, no slashes, no burns, no other signs of violence. The internal scans showed nothing. It seemed as if they had simply dropped down dead. Their heart had stopped beating abruptly, like during a shock from sudden rise or fall of temperature, yet there hadn't been the slightest change in their surroundings. Was there something else that could possibly send a strong Yautja like them into a state of shock? Was their enemy working with some chemical trick? Did it have telepathic abilities?
Stepping back from the tunnel, the hunter tried to force his thoughts into a clear order. Careful not to miss anything, he went through everything that the elders had told them about their new enemy. They had warned them that this enemy had been reported to be extremely dangerous, since its appearances indicated strongly that it seemed to be weak prey and not even worth the effort. He had also been told that it was a master of delusion and that it could use its voice as a weapon. And suddenly, a dreadful thought came to his mind.
There actually was something in that corridor that did not seem worth the effort. There was something that seemed weak. Mentally bracing himself for the imminent onslaught, the predator stepped back into the corridor.
The ooman female was now kneeling next to one of his comrades, babbling countless words that made no sense to him. Something about children, love and something that he decided to be a name, although it made his head hurt simply from the sound of it. Her babbling seemed endless, like the waterfalls down the mountains of his home world, her voice, through the most pleasant and lulling melody at the beginning, caused him a serious headache after nothing more than a minute minutes. And then, in a moment of gruesome dawn of understanding, he realised that the unpronounceable word she had said over and over again, was the name she had given to his fallen comrade. If he had still been alive, he…
Realisation finally kicked in. Was this a test of his sense of honour? Of his courage? Of his strength? Of his instincts? Was this a test of just how far he would go when shedding off the rules of sanity and logic? With a last look at his fallen comrades, he decided to take the risk. May the gods damn him forever for this dishonouring action, but he had lived more than 150 years as an honourable warrior. He would not regret the life he could look back to. Inhaling deeply, he extended his wrist blades. The sooner this was over, the better.
He leaped forth with the speed that was so unusual for things his size and girth and yet so typical for his people. Although he still had the cloak activated, the female turned her head quickly, as if she had noticed his approach. A quick smile crept across her face and she opened her arms widely as if to greet him, before the blades slashed through her stomach, effectively shredding most of her inner organs to pieces in the process. The smile faded from her face and she stared at the blades he had driven into her in a mixture of disgust and disbelief. "But… my new bellybutton piercing! How dare you? I just had that made for my last birthday!"
What? It was the only word that crossed his mind. Tilting his head to the side, he looked at her in utter confusion. He had just given her a mortal would of seemingly endless pain – a typical feature of stomach wounds – his wrist blades had struck through her, emerging from her back again and here she was wondering about some harmless piece of shiny metal pierced through the upper layer of her flesh? Her priorities were definitely way off. Was she insane? Did she not feel the pain? As her hand rose behind his metal mask to caress his hair, another thought dawned inside him.
"This enemy acts completely irrational. Its only objective is to delude its prey into shedding its normal character. It does not feel pain. It does not feel hunger. " The voice of his clan's elder emerged in his head. An enemy that did not feel pain. And enemy that manipulated and deluded its prey. An enemy that struck down its opponents merely through messing with its mind and character. An enemy that killed its opponent by inverting its character, by turning it into a caricature of itself. The dreadful suspicion in his mind grew stronger as he remembered the female's behaviour towards his fallen comrade. And now, her version of a smile was displayed on her face. Her words were nothing but a faint whisper, but he could still understand them perfectly fine. "I still love you." She choked, as blood came up in her throat. "And I know you still love me. I know you look like a brutal, human-butchering monster, but I know deep down in your heart you are different, Ti-"
Panicking, he noticed she was about to name him, too, and automatically his wrist blades found their way through her torso up to her shoulder where they fully emerged from her body again. With a last choked whisper, the ooman female fell to the ground, blood spilling all over the floor to his feet. He roared then, a thundering sound of triumph that shook the walls around them. The worst enemy of the Yautja had been defeated. He, the second-best hunter of the clan right after the elder had slain the mighty Mary Sue. Looking proudly at his kill, he knelt down to take his trophy. Cutting off her head with its long, silky hair, the sweet eyes and rosy lips, he smiled inwardly at his triumph. Today was a day to celebrate – the day that should be remembered as the day the first Mary Sue had been slain. And yet, while he knew that this day would be a holy day for all Yautja, he knew that this was only the beginning.
Because according to the elders, there still was a place called "fanfiction dot net" with hundreds more of these beasts to go.
A.N.: Defend the honour of our beloved predators – do not allow the Sue to turn them into fluffy shadows of themselves! Death to all Mary Sues!