Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
Through Hell and Back
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I can see them creeping towards me, slowly, taking their time, the time in which I have to be patient, patient to maintain my sanity.
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I am scared, more than ever. I never thought the ninja world could do that to someone. I knew the dangers but never truly realized them before. Now they stand so close to me and it hurts so much.
I don't miss my mother. You can't miss someone you never had. I don't even know how she died, my father never mentioned it. It hurts him too much to talk about her. All I know is he loved her.
"I'm sorry, son" my father's voice whispered in my ears. He pulled away and I could see the tears glistening in his eyes.
I shouldn't show emotions, a ninja has to be detached from such frivolous things. It's a ninja rule.
"I have failed…" he whispered. I could tell he was lying. My father wasn't guilty about failing the mission. He thought what he did was right but no one believed him. Even I didn't.
I said nothing and walked outside to train. I wouldn't cry. Ninja never cry.
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It was afternoon and I was hungry. I decided to go home and eat something. I wouldn't have though had I known what I was going to find.
I was shocked, broken, despaired when I saw the dead body of my father, all bloody and lifeless, yet I did not cry; I did not let any pain show. I was a perfect ninja, a perfect tool for the village.
I called the ninja police and moved on with my life, with becoming a ninja. And the worst was? I believed dad had to pay for his mistake, that in some twisted way he deserved it.
It was that day that I adopted my most infamous phrase, 'Those who don't follow the rules are scum'
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He was an idiot. Didn't Obito realize he was just following the same path the White Fang did? That he too would one day just end up like that? That I actually care about him and that is why I know what I say? That I don't only care for me? That what I say, I have a reason to say? That he might be putting people around him in danger too by his rule-breaking? Rules are made to be followed, not broken.
He is so infuriating! And he likes Rin. Is he going to have her bear all the pain like I did when dad died when –if –they ever get married?
He is selfish and the biggest idiot I have encountered. He is hopeless; I can't do anything about him. Sensei wouldn't talk to him and even Rin seems to find him endearing. No one seems to see my point! I am only doing them a favour; I am only caring for my team.
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"I believe the 'White Fang' is a true hero!"
"I am Uchiha Obito and I will surpass you once I awaken my Sharingan!"
"Those that break the rules and regulations are scum. But those who abandon their comrades are worse than scum. If I'm going to be called scum either way, I'd rather break the rules! And if that's not being a proper Shinobi, then I'll destroy that idea!"
"I'm about to... die... but I'll become your eye."
It was painful, too painful to think about him.
I've failed you father. I've failed Obito. I couldn't save him. I couldn't save Rin. I failed my sensei. I failed my team. I am not fit to be a ninja; I am not fit to love anyone. What good have I ever done them? I wonder if you would've done what you did if I hadn't run away, if I had stayed and said that I believed in you. If I had said that those who abandon their comrades are worse than scum. If I had told you how much I loved you.
It's funny how I still don't cry, not from my eye. It's always Obito's eye which sheds all the tears. Ironic isn't it? That even though I have understood that some rules are just ludicrous and evil, that crying is alright, it's not a weakness but strength I still cannot cry. I still cannot break through this weakness and pain. Not even after I have accepted my mistakes. He cries for me. I have made myself a burden. Father, what do I do?
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I won't let my students die. I won't let history repeat itself.
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I've failed them, I've failed Sasuke. I wasn't able to pull him away from his darkness. I wonder if there was a way I could've saved him, if there was a way I could have made sense to him, if there was a way I could've helped him. My words were useless, met by deaf ears. I shouldn't have left him alone that day. I should've offered him to come with him. I should've treated him to something. I should have heard him out. I should've told him that one day, together as a team, we will support him and we will all take out Uchiha Itachi.
I have failed Naruto and Sakura by failing Sasuke. They didn't deserve it. It was my entire mistake.
I've failed another team.
I am just a cursed being, aren't I?
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They are so strong. I am proud of them. They don't need me, they never did. They could learn better with others than with me. My contribution was negligible to their training. The only thing Naruto and Sakura ever benefited from me was to never abandon their comrades.
I am happy for them yet it hurts a little that I couldn't do anything for them. I had utterly failed them. I am nothing but a porn reader. I am not worth being called a ninja.
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Naruto died. I couldn't do anything for him. Thankfully Obito saved him.
Guy died not much later. I wish I had told him that I truly cared for him. That aside from my team, he was really the one closest to me, that he was truly a genius and no matter the challenges, he will always be a winner.
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I had let my defences weaken, she had broken them. She was powerful like that.
But I let her go. I was still bound by the rules, still bound by my weakness. But that was not the only reason.
I was still scared.
I was still the little boy who had seen his father die.
I was still the person who couldn't save either of his teams, not when he was young, not when he was older.
I was still the person who never showed any emotions.
How could she, the purest of all, most caring of all ever have been enamoured with me?
I wasn't good for her. I would never be good for someone like her. She had molten into a beautiful butterfly while I had become older and was still a porn reader. I had not grown for the good. I was just a beast in a human form.
She had saved so many lives and I couldn't even save those who were close to me.
She would die like them.
If she loved me, she'll die too.
I had to let her go.
I had no other choice because I loved her.
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I should've seen it coming. I hadn't known she'd follow me. I hadn't sensed her. She had outsmarted me.
I should've been more conscious of my surroundings.
I was on an S ranked mission. After my departure, news had gone that this mission was a trap. Some people had just wanted to kill me off. I don't see how it would harm anyone. If anything, they'll be happier, I will be happier.
She had stupidly come after me, easily tracking me down with her bloodline limit.
She had thrown herself in front of the kunai that was supposed to hit me straight in the heart. I hadn't been paying attention. I had already given up. She saved me.
She was dying because of me, because I wasn't careful enough, because I had given up on life. She was paying for my mistake.
The angel was dying while the beast still lived.
I attacked. I fought the attackers. I killed them all, all nine of them but one got a strong genjetsu on me, one that would rival Uchiha Itachi's. I'd failed again but this was the last time I'd ever fail because now… I'll die.
I can see them, those strands of genjetsu creeping towards me, slowly, taking their time, the time in which I have to be patient, patient to maintain my sanity.
It went over and over again, never stopping. I could see my whole life pass by, all my failures as a ninja, as a human, as a son, as a friend, as a student, as a teacher, as a lover. I was a born mistake. But it will all end now and maybe I'll meet my parents, my friends, sensei and lover on the other side. But can I really face them? They must hate me. She must hate me now.
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"Kakashi…" A voice called out to me. It was soft, familiar and it played with my heart. "Wake up.
"Don't die on me!" there was a ring to it, a rhythm. No piano, violin or anything other instrument for the matter could compete with it.
"I need you…" Only the purest of angels could have a voice like that, more beautiful than a nightingale. Maybe that was it. I was dead and an angel had come to pick me up.
"Kakashi…" That voice didn't deserve the pain that it reflected. Had I it all in my hand, I would bestow all my life on it.
"Please…" It was asking something of me. Something only I could do. I will give it. I will do it for… her…
"Hinata…" the word was out of my mouth before I could even become aware of my surroundings. The darkness was still there but those tendrils of smoke were slowly moving away.
"Kakashi…!" I could feel the pressure around me increase. "You're alive" she sobbed into my chest.
I opened my one eye and looked at her.
She was beautiful, eternal.
I couldn't bear losing her again. I couldn't bear losing a loved one again. If I did, I'll lose that little thread of sanity holding me together.
I loved her.
"I'm sorry" I put my arms around her. I was never letting her go, never again. "I love you"
We were still where the attack took place. Sakura and Naruto were here. I hadn't noticed them. They were keeping their distance though; they were looking over the attackers.
She kissed me and I no more cared about where we were or who we were with. There was no time or place for what I was experiencing.
Nothing more needed to be said. She knew everything and she understood. And she loved me too.