Title: Home Is Where The Heart Is
Author: Darkmas
Pairing: GSR
Genre: General, Romance
Chapters: 2
Rating: M
Spoilers: Through 9x03
Summary: Gilbert Grissom, the story of the origin of his feelings for Sara Sidle, and how could they get their happy ending according to themselves.
Disclaimer: CSI doesn't belong to me. If it did, I'd be rich and I'm not. It's property of CBS and Jerry Bruckheimer and all those people. Rated M because of eventual smut and because the topic may hurt sensitivities.
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Home Is Where The Heart Is
Chapter 1: The Horrible Man I Was
Grissom didn't feel live living. The very reason for his days had left again, this time by his own doing. It was stupid, what he had done. However, being stupid didn't mean it wasn't right in its own way (at least that's what he thought). Right now, his life was divided in two times:
Job Time:When he would go to crime scenes, put on his "scientist" hat and pull off the most incredible act – pretending he was alright, full of scientific curiosity and content with the life he had chosen.
Sulking Time: He didn't dare calling it "home time", because he didn't feel like he had a home anymore. This is when he would be in his house (right now, just the necessary hours to get some light sleep), looking at the photo of them both just before the first time he lost her, watching Discovery Channel without really paying attention and eating whatever he felt like putting together that day (most times, bread and ham).
Nonetheless, all things considered, he thought it was for the best, and he was convinced that no one but himself (not even Sara) knew what he was going through. Specially since after Warrick's death everybody else was also in a state of badly dissimulated grief.
But Jim Brass wasn't as oblivious as he would like to think. 23 years of knowing his friend gave him the ability to see the real state he was in, and to intfer the reason of his current situation. Actually Nick, Greg, Cath and Dr. Robbins could do it too, so they all avoided giving him a hard time – with the exception of Greg, who couldn't help giving him dirty looks and treating him with certain coldness.
So he decided to talk to him after the shift. He invited him for breakfast with the excuse of seeking advice regarding a new house he planned on buying. Grissom accepted a little too quickly, which didn't surprise him. The poor guy was probably eager for company and wanting to spend as much time as he could away from his place. He also looked like he wasn't feeding himself very well or trying to, so a decent, balanced meal was always welcome.
They went to his house and ordered eggs with buttered bread, orange juice and hot chocolate with cheese. Grissom was eating slowly, like somebody who's learning to eat all over again after surgery.
"How've you been doing lately?" Brass asked Grissom, taking him by surprise. "You... don't look very well."
"That's the real reason you invited me over, isn't it?"
"Yeah, it is" Brass had to admit.
"I figured it out from the beginning" Replied Grissom with a sad smirk. Then, he hid his face in his hands. "I don't know what to do, Jim!" He faintly cried out.
"Why don't you go after her?" Brass offered.
"Why don't you go after Ellie?"
"Hey, this is not about me! Besides, it's better this way."
"See? It's... it's also better this way for both of us, I mean, Sara and me. Or at least... well, it's better for her, I guess." Grissom finished unconvincingly.
"No no no, these are two completely different things, o.k.?" Brass said, shaking his hands to emphasize the point. "Ellie doesn't want to see me right now and well, we're slowly starting to talk again, I don't wanna ruin it. On the other hand, Sara does want you to go with her. She must be suffering a lot right now, and evidently you are as well. You don't like yourself very much, do you?"
"Jim, it's not that simple..."
"It's not that complicated either. You just make it out to be that way."
"Look, I've been talking to the counselor lately... you know, abut Hank." Grissom replied "Then it occured to me that Sara must have talked to her at one point, so I mentioned her to ..."
-FLASHBACK –
"Dr., I don't know if you have ever met a Sara Sidle. She, uhm... used to be a CSI." Said Grissom.
"Oh! Yes, I do!" Dr. Alwick replied. "She had some mandatory counseling with me a few years ago. She kept coming ever since. Oh..." Something clicked inside her head "so I guess that's that's why she hasn't come anymore..."
"Yeah, she didn't felt so well after..."
"The abduction. I know" Added the counselor sympathetically. "She talked to me about it. And about her outing of her relationship with someone from the lab as well... that change of shift the worst thing that could happen to her after all she went through" She finished, shaking her head dissaprovingly.
"Yeah, it was" Grissom had to admit.
"I bet the fact that she left is a great part of the reason of your current state."
"That's right"
"It must be hard to lose one of your 'family', let alone two. Actually, Sara's leaving wans't only bad for you s her boss, but for the fiancée as well." Grissom nodded silently. ""Fortunately, I've talked to him and he's made a lot of progress. He still needs your support of course, as well as everybody else on your team, but for that, first you have to..."
"Wait wait wait wait wait wait, excuse me?" A baffled Grissom interrupted.
- END OF FLASHBACK –
"She thought Greg was Sara's fiancée" Grissom said bitterly. "Turns out, they talk on the phone on a daily basis"
"Come on, it could be just Greg bragging to the doctor or something. Sara would never cheat on you..."
"I know, I don't mean it. What I mean is, they are friends, so they talk everyday, and I simply pushed her away and now Greg knows more about her whereabouts than me. Maybe he's what's best for Sara, at least he's honest and loyal to her. I, on the other hand, have lied to her."
"About you loving her?" Asked Brass. "I don't think so".
"No, not about it. I do love her more than my life. I lied to her about being Gilbert Grissom."
"Oh, that. Well, everybody's entitled to their secrets. Besides, she doesn't really need to know..." offered Brass, trying to sound nonchalant.
"I beg to differ. Jim, you know more than anybody else I did a lot of bad stuff in my life (the life you rescued me from and for that, I will thank you forever), but I've been trying to change, and I think I've succeeded for the most part. That's why I became the detached scientist I am in the first place." Then, he added pensively "I thought I could just shut off my emotions and feelings and function only with the rational part of my brain. But that day when I saw her in San Francisco at that seminar, my heart started beating twice as fast. I knew she was whom I've been looking for all my life and yet, yet she saw through me. I was just a nice stranger to her, a guy she could... date, eventually, maybe? I tried so hard to get away from her and to get closer to her at the same time and well, feelings always win over reason, don't they?... and now I'm the horrible person I once was, and I just don't know what to do..." he finished, breaking down along with his voice. Suddenly, Brass's eyes opened up, big like plates, in realization. Something had just clicked in his head.
"Oh shit, don't tell me"
"O.k., I won't"
"Oh no, man"
"Oh yes indeed" Grissom nodded sadly.
"Oh man... o.k, o.k, let's calm down, and you look me in the eyes and listen to me very, very carefully" Said Brass seriously in a soft, low, grave tone of voice. "This is what you're going to do: You're gonna go to San Francisco, find Sara, tell her you love her, and tell her the truth: the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, you hear me?" He swallowed hard and let out in a breath, "Let her decide".
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This story was thought of as a oneshot, but ended up as a two-parter because even when the chapters may be small, those two parts are very well defined. Hope you like it, reviews are always appreciatted!