Dying hurt. It wasn't anything like the movies or books said it would be, Sirius Black is a filthy liar. "Like falling asleep" my ass. Dying was messy, painful, and filled with terror, and guilt, and self-loathing. Or at least, that was Sam's experience.

Sam hadn't wanted to die. In fact, it had been quite the opposite, he was terrified of dying. But for his friends (his only friends besides Miles, and how sad is that. He has more alien friends than human ones), he would do anything. And it scared him how much he believed that statement.

Sam had found himself developing an almost fanatical loyalty towards the Autobots, especially Bee. Sam was still surprised at the fact that the (WarriorMyGaurdianAngel) Autobot had wanted to stay with him. At first, he was wary. Frenzy's torture had been far worse than what he'd told any of the Autobots, and he was still suffering from that. He hadn't given Ratchet the chance to check him over after the battle was done, he had taken advantage of the fact that Ratchet was busy with the other bots, and said that the AllSpark had healed his wounds when he had held it. Ratchet had looked disbelieving, but he had other (more important, in Sam's opinion) things to worry about.

In a way, this was his punishment for failing Bee, Sam mused. For failing his best friend, who had sacrificed himself for Sam so many damn times, and when it had been Sam's turn, he'd failed. Bee was tortured at Sector Seven, the AllSpark had been destroyed, Jazz had died, and so had Optimus temporarily. And Sam. Did. Nothing. He was useless and pathetic, and he knew it was obvious to anyone around him. It was obvious in the way all of the Autobots were so careful around him, like he was made of broken glass, in the way Simmons and Galloway adopted identical sneers whenever he walked past, in the way his parents looked at him like he was a stranger, begging with their eyes to bring back their son, a son who had died the moment his car stood up.

Sam had no misconceptions that he would be able to go to college. Decepticons still inhabited the planet, and he could not, in good conscience put anyone in harms way, just so he could get a degree.

He still feels a little bitter though, because he always prided himself on being clever, and he was so excited when he got accepted into UCLA. His parents were so proud and now Sam was back to being the disappointment.

Sam also wasn't sure he could handle another person getting hurt for him. He hadn't slept more than 15 hours this week due to sleep deprivation, and he knew he looked like shit because of the concerned glances he was receiving from everyone. He hated those glances. He didn't deserve (them, those amazing strong, beautiful people/robots) their concern.

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Sam woke up for the fifth time that night. His clock read 4:57 am. Too late to go back to bed considering breakfast starts at exactly 7:00. One of the downsides to living on a military base, everything had a schedule, and sleeping in late meant getting your ass beat in training.

Sam groaned and rolled out of bed, careful to avoid his bruises and lacerations, though he's not completely successful and lets out a hiss of pain.

"Fuck" Sam mutters as he limps towards the shower. His room is the only place where he can let his injuries bother him, outside he has to pretend that they aren't there, that they don't hurt, that frenzy hadn't carved into his skin like it was his newest art project, like Sam didn't screamscreamscream because it hurt so. Damn. Much. when frenzy broke all of his fingers and toes before resetting them, like he wasn't humiliated when Decepticons came to laugh at him while he was being tortured, because he was just a pathetic squishy and they were going to have fun with the organic who dared to think that they could beat their superior leader.

In the end, Sam had been rescued after Frenzy had mostly re-healed him (he would just start from scratch, over and over until Sam shattered). His fingers and toes were broken, but at least they were still attached and his eyes hurt, but at least they weren't gaping holes. Sam had wished that he was still blind when he saw Bumblebees expression, the rage and the guilt was enough to make Sam feel like the most unworthy piece of shit in the universe.

Because this alien, this angel had cared so much about Sam. Bumblebee had cared so. Damn. Much. That it hurt, it tore Sam's soul apart and he felt it ripping like wrapping paper on Christmas day.

If Bee found out how bad his injuries really were, then his ass would be (gently) dropped straight onto one of Ratchet's famous examination bed, and Sam would never have been seen again, because Ratchet would kill him for not telling him immediately and then Sam would be questioned as to how he got all the scars (Frenzy didn't feel like wasting the effort to heal him completely) and then Sam would be in Deep. Shit.

Sam grunted in pained relief and flinched when the steaming hot water simultaneously relaxed his muscles and agitated his bruises. They were everywhere- the bruises that is. They were in various hues of black, blue, purple, and grey. They dotted across Sam's skin like hideous scars across an even uglier night sky.

Sam had never been confident in his body. He had been chubby as a kid, more so than any of his forced playmates. And even after Sam had lost some of that body fat, he still felt like that same little ugly fat kid who cried when none of the people he knew wanted to hang out with him. The same kid who hid how he was feeling behind sarcastic come-backs and witty one liners.

Sam sighed to himself as he reminisced. He washed all of the shampoo and conditioner out of his hair and gingerly stepped out of his shower, being careful not to put too much weight on his injured ankle.

Sam didn't allow himself to hobble as he walked towards his closet. He couldn't hobble out there, so he wouldn't allow himself to do it now. He ignored the shooting pain this action caused as he opened his closets beige sliding door.

'It's a good thing Ratchet cares so much about his patients, he hasn't left the med bay at all since the attack, even though that was two weeks ago. He most certainly would have noticed Sam's behavioral inconsistencies and run some scans. Sam's plan is to avoid Ratchet for as long as possible, until at least the bruises go away. Sam's also taken to wearing long sleeve shirts and sweatpants to hide the bruises.

Mikaela's made a few snide comments about the way he dresses now, which stings because he wants to impress her, but he's not willing to change the way he dresses at this moment in time. Mikaela is just going to have to deal with the embarrassment that is himself for a while. Sam can tell that she's been wanting to break up with him though lately, even though it's only been two weeks since they started dating. It's in the way she tells him to "Stop screwing around with Bumblebee" and whenever he mentions a stress headache (Once) she says, "I can't believe you, you weren't injured at all." And "Stop acting like a toddler."

And it hurts, because Sam's liked Mikaela since the first grade, when he was still chubby and she told Trent to stop chasing him because "He's too fat to run away", which may sound awful to anyone else, but to Sam it was the first time anyone had tried to defend him in any way at all. And thus, the idolization began.

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'I wonder what the cafeteria is serving for breakfast today' Sam thought as he walked across the base. 'Hopefully it isn't eggs again, eggs are fucking disgusting'.

"Good morning Sam"

Sam jumped and spun around in alarm, not expecting the sudden greeting. He relaxed when he realized that it was Bumblebee, and felt a rush of happiness at seeing his friend as a sincere grin made its way onto his face.

"Hey Bee" he chirped, unconsciously leaning forward towards his friend. He smiled into the scout's electric blue eyes (Sam snorted internally at his mental pun).

"How was your recharge last night Sam?" He inquired.

"Same as usual" Sam carefully replied. He couldn't tell his friend about his nightmares, that would be disastrous, but he also couldn't lie, because Bee could always tell when he was lying. So, he chose an answer that wasn't a lie, but also didn't reveal the truth either. (Could you tell that Sam got Slytherin on Pottermore?)

Sam felt like the biggest piece of shit in the world for deceiving his friend but he couldn't let Bee figure out the truth. That he was injured so badly that sometimes it hurts to breathe, that he still had nightmares about what Frenzy did to him, and that he hadn't eaten more than a meal a day since the attack.

Sam gave no sign of his inner monologue as he walked with bee into the cafeteria.

"Sam, are you listening to me?" Bee inquired, feeling concern towards his charge. He was not offended that Sam hadn't been paying attention, Sam would never ignore him intentionally.

"Hm? Oh, sorry Bee" Sam stuttered, embarrassed at being caught not paying attention. "Could you repeat yourself please?"

"I was just wondering if you needed to see Ratchet, Sam" Bee calmly stated, as of those words didn't make Sam's throat seize up in terror and make his whole world come crashing down around him.

Sam barely managed to keep the panic he was feeling out of his voice when he asked, "Why do you say that?" Inside he was thinking 'stall him fucking hell I need to stall him'.

Bee hesitated for a second before replying "You seem…. unwell. And I know that you haven't checked in with Ratchet yet, I asked him and he told me." Be paused before adding on "I'm worried about you, you've been acting strange lately."

Sam's mind raced frantically trying to come up with a solution. "I'm a little shaken up after everything that's happened Bee. It's been a little difficult to readjust." There! He'd done it. Nothing he'd said was a lie, even if most of it was a gross understatement.

Bee looked unconvinced. "I know you aren't lying to me, but I'm still taking you to see Ratchet after you eat Breakfast."

Sam's breath hitches and he feels panic rising up within him. He's vaguely aware of Bee's frantic questions about if he's okay, but he can't hear much past the ringing inside his head.

Sam takes on step back out towards the door of the Cafeteria, before he's sprinting into the "Humans Only" corridor that he knows is too short and thin for Bee to fit through in either form.

He's running towards some unknown destination, but the only thought inside his head was to get away.

Run.

AN: Thank you so much for checking my story out. If you have any questions, please message me or leave a review.

-Lily