Notes: I do not own Doctor Who and the show's characters. Unfortunately
Chapter 1: It's Just Human Nature
It has been really tough lately due to Rose and Martha. Somehow both girls ended up having feelings for me and I just cannot tell them why it is not possible for me to like them. Humans are not like Time Lords so they cannot understand how mates work.
My last moment with Rose was especially hard to take. She had told me that she loved me and I could not say it back. I was only able to get out Rose Tyler and she must have assumed that I was going to say the words. I was only going to tell her that I will miss her and I did. I still do.
At the current moment, I am traveling with Martha Jones. Brilliant girl, absolutely brilliant, but I cannot feel the same way as her. She thinks that it is because I am in love with Rose and I choose to let her think that. It is half of the truth; I am in love with someone who is gone.
"So, where…when are we going next?" Martha Jones says with excitement. She leans casually against the console and looks at me expectantly.
I give her a goofy smile and start running around the console pressing buttons. All of a sudden the Tardis starts to move and I subconsciously hold on to something. Once the Tardis stopped I got up and moved towards the door.
"After you." I told Martha. She smiles brightly at me and ran out the door.
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"Get down!" I shout as I fall to the ground. After the shot passed me and hit the console, I got up and closed the door quickly.
"Did they see you?" I yell at Martha as I grab hold of her shoulders. I am looking at her pleadingly and I know I am scaring her.
"I don't know." She says quickly and breathlessly.
I do not waste any time and ask her the same questions again. It is extremely important for my plans that those creatures did not see us at all. If they saw us then there is no way we can hide from them.
"No, they couldn't have." Martha says with absolute certainty. I look relieved as I throw my jacket on to one of the corals and run towards the console.
Everything seems as if it will be fine until the Tardis starts to make a warning noise. I look at the monitor that shows that the creatures are following us.
"How can they do that? You have a time machine." Martha says in a panic.
"Stolen technology. They got a time agent's vortex manipulator. They can follow us wherever we go." I saw frantically as I press buttons on the console to lose them. I stop once I realize what I have to do.
I turn to Martha and ask her if she trusts me. I need her to trust me if this is going to work. She does not even hesitate to respond back with a yes. I am not surprised as they always seem to trust me when they probably should not.
I grab the fob watch from under the console and show it to Martha. "Take this watch because my life depends on it. This watch, Martha. This watch is me."
She takes the fob watch from me and I know that she is completely confused by what I told her.
"Right, okay." Martha tries to play along. She changes her mind and follows me across the console and says she is lost.
"Those creatures are hunters. They can sniff out anyone and with me being a time lord. Well, I'm unique. They can track me down through whole time and space." I explain to her as she looks more and more convinced that we are screwed. I guess we sort of are, but there is one thing that can work.
"They can smell me but they haven't seen me. And there lifespan id running out so we hide. Wait for them to die." I tell her but she looks unconvinced.
"But they can track us down." Martha says with no hope of escaping.
I stop what I am doing and I turn to her "That's why I got to do it. I got to stop being a time lord. I am going to become human."
I press a button on the console that brings out the chameleon arch device. I cannot believe I am actually going to use it. I am going to be a human.
"Chameleon arch, it rewrites my biology. Literally changes every cell in my body. I set it to human." I tell Martha. I grab the watch from her hand and I start to set it up.
"Now the Tardis will take care of everything: event a life story for me, find a setting, and integrate. I can't say the same for you. You will have to improvise." I explain everything to her as I prepare to change my biology.
"Won't it hurt?" Martha asks me. I know she is worried about everything and I wish I can reassure her more. I did make a video of rules so she would know what to do. I guess that would have to be enough right now.
"Oh yeah, it hurts." I answer her. I quickly place the chameleon arch on my head and start the process.
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I just woke up to the strangest dream last night. Although I have been having strange dreams for a long time now. For the first time I dreamed that Martha Jones was there with me.
Almost as if on cue, Martha comes into my room with breakfast. I tell her about my dreams and that she occurred in them. For some unusual reason I feel close enough to her to tell her these things. Of course she assures that they are just dreams that my creative mind made up.
After out talk, I do the usual routine and I prepare for my day activities.
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As I was walking towards my study with books I ran into Joan Redfern, the school nurse. She is a nice women and I enjoy being in her company. I was rather shocked when she asked about the dance. I was shocked enough that I ended up at the bottom of the stairs.
Joan Redfern is currently stitching up a cut on my head. I cannot believe I was such a clumsy idiot. She tells me to stop complaining but I cannot help it.
Out of the blue, Martha comes running into my study asking if I am alright. Sometimes I wonder where that girl got her manners. Joan seems to agree that her behavior was rather bad.
To strike up a conversation I began to tell Martha what I told Joan. I start to explain to Joan about my dreams and she seems to be a really good listener.
"I have um…I have written down some of these dreams in the form of fiction, but you probably wouldn't be interested."
"I would be very interested." Joan says to me in a very excited voice.
I happily get up and grab my journal of impossible things from my desk. I tell her that I have never really shown it to anyone and Joan seems flattered by that.
I hand Joan the journal and she starts to look through it. She tells me that I have quite an imagination. I watch her intrigued face as she points out certain pictures that I drew.
"Who is this man? You drew him multiple times." Joan asked me. I looked at the picture of the man she was referring to. The man was fairly young, probably in his thirties. You cannot tell much from him since it was just a drawing made with a pencil, but he was a handsome fellow. Probably had a long list of ladies who wanted to date him.
"I don't know. He keeps reoccurring in my dreams. We would laugh and play in this field of red grass. Must be a friend I had on this strange planet." I tell her. However, I did leave out the weird moments where it almost seems as if we were more than friends. That is not possible though since a man and another man cannot like each other in that way.
"Interesting and I see you also have an eye for the pretty girls." Joan mentions when she turns the page to find a picture of this girl named Rose.
"Oh, no, she is just another invention, like that other man. I call her Rose." I felt like I had to reassure Joan. "She seemed to disappear later on."
She looks at more pictures of creatures from other worlds, like these cybermen creatures I made up.
"Oh, that's the blue box." I tell her with excitement when I notice her looking at the picture of a box. "It's always there. It's like a magic carpet. A fun little box that transports me to far away places."
"Like a doorway?" Joan wonders. She smiles up at me with amazement.
"Sometimes I think how magical life would be like if stories like this were true." I tell her as I imagine that kind of life.
"If only." Joan responds with.
"It's just a dream." I mumble as I turn to smile back at her.
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So far this entire day has been quite eventful. Timothy came to my office today and he seemed a bit off when he left. I really cannot describe how he was acting. It got even stranger when I started walking around town with Joan Redfern. She was telling me about her deceased husband when I ended up saving a women and her baby. I do not know how I did it. It must have been some weird coincidence. However, it did give me the courage to ask Joan to the dance.
We talked about me for a while afterwards. She asked me questions about my childhood and she noticed a scare on my neck. I never really noticed it before and I told her it must have been a bad accident that I had when I was young.
After the walk we went to my study. She asked me to draw her in my journal so I did. She looked so beautiful sitting there and I hoped I could make her beautiful on paper as well.
"Can I see?" She asked when I was done. She smiled when she saw it and joked that it was too beautiful to be her, which I think is impossible.
"You made me far too beautiful."
"Well, that's how I see you."
"Widows aren't supposed to be beautiful. I think the world would rather be stopped." She said with such sadness in her eyes. It was making me sad knowing she was. "Is it fair…that we stop?"
"That's not fair at all." I tell her as I play with a few strands of her hair. I lean in close to her and I sum up the courage to kiss her. It was a chaste kiss that only lasted a few seconds, but it was one of the best few seconds of my life.
"I've never um…" I saw breathlessly and she just kissing me back. This time the kiss is deeper and lasts longer. However, Martha Jones comes barging in, which ruins the perfect moment.
"Martha, what have I told you about entering unannounced!" I yell at her in annoyance.
She just goes running out of the room again and does not come back for a while.
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Joan Redfern came into my study that night ready for the dance. She twirled around in her dress waiting for me to comment.
"You look wonderful." I tell her and she does.
"You must give me a bit of warning. Can you actually dance?" She asks me.
"Um…I'm not certain." I said in wonder. I actually do not know if I can. I do not think I ever actually danced before.
"That's a surprise. Is there anything you are certain about?" Joan asks in fear that I will change my mind.
"Yes, yes" I say with complete certainty. I walk towards her and take her hand. I was about to kiss her when Martha comes running in again.
"They found us." Martha says to me as she tries to catch her breathe.
"Martha, I warned you." I tell her as I try to not be too snappy at her.
"I found them and I've seen them. They look like people, like us, like normal. I'm sorry but you got to open the watch." Martha rambles on. She turns to the fireplace, but apparently did not find what she was looking for.
"Where is it?" She asks with wide and panic eyes. "Oh my god, where is it? Where is the watch?"
"What are you talking about?" I asked with confusion. It seems as if she is losing her mind.
"You had a watch, a fob watch, right there."
"Did I? I don't remember." I told her and she seems to be in a complete panic now.
"I don't see how it can be of any concern to you." Joan says to Martha but Martha does not seem to notice her.
"But we need it. Oh my god, Doctor, we are hiding from aliens and they got Jenny and they possessed her or copied her or something." Martha goes rambling on again. When she mentions aliens it starts to make sense. She obviously does not know the difference between reality and a story in a book.
"Oh, I see. Cultural difference." I tell Joan as I grab my journal of impossible things. "It must be so confusing for you. Martha, this is what we call a story."
"Oh, you complete… this is not you. This is 1913." She says as she looks up at me.
"Good, this it 1913."
"I'm sorry but I have got to snap you out of this." Martha says before she slaps me hard in the face.
"Wake up! You are coming back to the Tardis with me!" She shouts as she tries to drag me out of the study. However, I was able to stop her and force her out of the study.
After that little fiasco, Joan and I walked to the village hall where the dance was taking place. We waltzed for a while and I was surprised to find out that I can in fact dance. However, after the dancing, I found Martha talking with Joan. Will that girl ever stop with her nonsense beliefs?
"Oh, now really, Martha, this is getting out of hand. I must insist that you leave." I tell Martha but she just calmly takes out this weird looking device out of her pocket. It is an extremely unusual looking device but for some reason it looks familiar.
"Do you know what this is? Name it. Go on, name it." Martha insists. Joan looks at me and asks what that thing is. However, I ignore her and grab the device from Martha. It looks so familiar.
"You are not John Smith. You are called the Doctor. The man in that journal is real. He is you." Martha tells me with hope in her eyes.
I was not able to reply back to Martha because three people came barging in and yelling. I have no clue what is going on but Martha tells me to forget what she said and to not say anything. However, it seems like these people were here for me.
"No, better than that. The teacher, he's the Doctor. I heard them talking." The little girl with the balloon told them.
"You took human form." Bangs says with humor in his eyes. Apparently he finds this disaster funny.
"Of course I am human. I was born human as were you Bangs and Jenny and you, Mr. Clark. What is going on? This is madness." I say in a panicked and confused tone.
"Oh and a human brain too; simple, thick, and dull." Bangs says.
"But he's no good like this." Jenny says with worry.
"We need a Time Lord." Mr. Clark responds. What the hell is a Time Lord? What does it got to do with me?
"Easily done." Bangs says as he points his weird looking weapon at me. "Change back."
"I don't know what you are talking about." I say as I stare at the weapon pointed at me.
"Change back!" Bangs commands.
"I literally do not know…" I was about to repeat the same thing I said before but Jenny grabbed hold of Martha. She pointed her own weapon at Martha as a threat.
"She is your friend, isn't she? Does this scare you enough to change back?" Jenny yells as Martha tries unsuccessfully to get away.
I repeat the same thing until Jenny mentions Joan. Mr. Clark grabs hold of Joan and points his weapon at her.
"Have you enjoyed it, Doctor? Being human. Have it taught you wonderful things? Are you better, richer, wiser? Then let's see you answer this. Which one of them do you want us to kill? Your friend or your lover?" Bangs asks.
This is a nightmare. It has to be. No way that this can actually be happening. How can I choose between Joan and Martha? I do not want either one of them to die. Thankfully, I do not have to make the choice as a noise came through which distracted Jenny. Martha was able to grab a hold of the weapon and Jenny.
"One more move and I shoot." Martha says threateningly.
"Oh, the maid is full of fire." Bangs says.
"And you can shut up!" Martha tells him as she shoots the wall above as a warning.
Bangs begins to taunt Martha and asks her if she will actually do it. However, they ended up putting their guns down and letting Joan go. Martha begins to tell me instructions but my mind is going crazy trying to understand everything. Thankfully, Joan is here and she takes charge of everything.
I was reluctant to leave Martha there but she seemed like she knew what she was doing. I tried to talk to Timothy but he wanted to stay far away from me. Honestly, I cannot blame him. I do not want to be me right now.
Martha comes running out of the village hall. She yells at me to move and leads us in the direction of the school.
Once we got to the school, I started to get the boys up to fight. If this is going to happen then we need the boys help. Martha seems to disagree with me but I will do what I believe is right.
"What in the thunders name is this?" The headmaster shouts when he comes into the room. He gets into an angry rant and I tell him that the school is under attack. He seems reluctant to believe it but he goes along with all of it. He goes out with Mister Phillips to investigate.
I watch the entire conversation between Bangs, Mr. Phillips, and the headmaster. It was completely mad and confusing. Bangs ends up killing Mr. Phillips and asking the headmaster to turn me over to them.
When the headmaster returns, he asks me why this is happening and I tell him that I do not know. We start to prepare the boys for battle and we build a barricade.
While running around trying to get everything ready I run into Joan. I try to tell her to go but she is stubborn and insists that these boys need her.
"Fun evening we had together." Joan says in a sarcastic tone.
"Not quite as planned." I joke. She asks me to tell her about where I grew up. She is starting to doubt me and it hurts that she is wondering if I am real.
"How can you think I'm not real? When I kissed you, was that a lie?" I ask as I begin to get angry.
"No, it wasn't. No" Joan whispers.
"But this Doctor sounds like some…some romantic lost prince. Would you rather that?" I ask in an angry and jealous tone. "Am I not enough?"
"That's not true. Never." Joan insists. However, I have to go help the boys fight. Joan tells me not to let them fight but it is too late. The battle already started.
The battle occurred and I watched as these boys fought. I knew then that this is wrong. I knew that Joan and Martha are right. After the headmaster was killed by the little girl, I told the boys to retreat.
Martha, Joan, and I get the boys out of the building. We were running from the scarecrows when we came across Mr. Clark shouting Doctor. He was standing by the blue box that was in my journal. This cannot be happening. This is not real.
"You recognize it, don't you?" Martha asks me.
"I've never seen it in my life." I deny it. This cannot be real.
"Do you remember its name?" Martha asks.
Joan places a hand on my arm and tells me that it is the box that I wrote about in my book. I wrote about a blue box.
"I'm not…I'm John Smith. That's all I want to be, John Smith. With his life and his job…and his love. Why can't I be John Smith? Isn't he a good man?" I plead to Joan who is looking at me with so much sympathy.
"Yes, yes" she answers.
"I want to stay." I say as I rub my face. Martha says something and I turn my attention to her.
"Then what am I then? Nothing, I'm just a story." I tell her and I cannot take it anymore. I run out of there and they follow me.
Joan leads us to a house. She tells us that it is the house of the little girl and that she must have killed her parents.
"I must go to them…before anybody else dies." I tell them but Joan immediately tell me that I cannot do that.
"Martha, there must be something we can do." Joan asks Martha
Martha looks at the table in defeat. "Not without the watch."
"You are the Doctor's companion. Can't you help?" I yell at her. I am sick of it. There must be some way to fix all of this and Martha is not really doing much. "What exactly do you do for him? Why does he need you?"
"Because he is lonely." Martha responds with.
"And that's what you want me to become?"
Martha was about to respond but someone knocked on the door. It turns out to be Timothy and he has the watch
"I won't" I say to Martha who is insisting that I hold the watch. I cannot do it and end up nothing.
"Please just hold it." Martha begged.
"It told me to find you. It wants to be held." Timothy tells me.
"You had this watch all this time. Why didn't you return it?" Joan asks the boy.
"Because it was waiting…and because I was so scared of the Doctor." Timothy responds. It only makes me not want to hold the watch more. Why would I want to become someone who could terrify an innocent boy?
"Why?" Joan asks him.
"Because I've seen him. He's like fire and ice and rage. He's like the night and the storm and the heart of the sun." Timothy says as he walks towards me. I cannot take this anymore and I tell him to stop.
"He is ancient and forever. He burns at the center of time and he can see the turn of the universe." Timothy continues without hesitating.
"Stop it. I said stop it." I say to him again. Why is he telling me this?
"And he is wonderful." Timothy says. He seems to be done and Joan points out that she still has the journal with her.
"Those are just stories." I say in denial. It did not even convince me though
"Now we both know that's not true." Joan says. "Maybe there is something in here."
Before we could look at the journal a loud bang starts. We look at the window to see what it could be and we were horrified to find bombs dropping on the town. It must be the family of blood trying to coax me out from hiding.
"They are destroying the village." Joan says in terror. I quickly try to find the fob watch. I cannot have this happen any longer. I find it easily and it calls to me to come closer.
"Why did he speak to me?" Timothy asks.
"Oh, low level telepathic field. You were born with it. Just an extra…is that how he talks?" I say. He was almost there and he made me say these things that I do not understand.
"That's him. All you have to do is open it and he's back." Martha says with anticipation. She really wants him back and me gone.
"You knew this all along, yet you watched as Miss. Redfern and I…"
"I did not know how to stop you. He gave me a list of things to watch out for but that wasn't included." Martha explained as she came closer to me.
"Falling in love? That didn't even occurred to him?" I ask her as I notice tears start to form in my eyes. This is just too much.
"No" Martha responds.
"Then what sort of man is that? And now you expect me to die."
"It was always going to end though. The Doctor says that the family of blood have a limited lifespan, that's why they need to consume a Time Lord. Otherwise, three months and they die. Like mayflies he said." Martha explains to me.
"So your job was to execute me." I tell her as I look at her with so much anger and hate.
"People are dying out there. They need him and I need him cause you have no idea what he is like, I've only just met him, and it wasn't even that long ago but…he is just everything. He is just everything to me and he doesn't even look at me but I don't care cause I love him to bits. I hope to god he doesn't remember me saying this." Martha says with desperation. The bombs are getting closer.
"I should have thought of it before. I can just give them this." I say with so much hope. I cannot believe I did not think of it before. I can just give them the watch and I can be just John Smith again. "Just the watch. Then they can leave Earth and stay as I am."
"You can't do that!" Martha shouts.
"If they want the Doctor, they can have him." I shout back at her.
"He would never let you do it." Martha says with certainty.
"But if they get what they want then…"
"It all ends in destruction." Joan intervenes. "I never read til the end but those creatures would live forever to breed and conquer a war among the stars for every child."
Joan tells Timothy and Martha to give us some privacy. Everything around me is getting blurry that I don't see them leave. All I see is Joan heading towards me and enveloping me into a hug. I just stand there for a while crying and holding my love.
After a while we sit together on one of the benches in the house. I sit there just holding and staring at the dreaded watch.
"If I could do this in you place, I would." Joan tells me. "I'd hoped but my hopes aren't important."
I turn to face her and she looks so sad and defeated. Like it is the end of the world and she has accepted that there is nothing that can be done. I cannot stand seeing her like this, so sad.
"He won't love you." I say to her in a sad broken voice.
"If he is not you then I don't want him to. I had one last but then he died. I never thought…ever again. Then you." She tells me with so much love and heartbreak. It breaks my heart.
"And it was real, was it?" I tell her as I look into her gorgeous sad eyes. "I really thought."
She looks away from and turns to the watch in my hand. "Let me see. Blasted thing. Blasted, blasted thing. Doesn't even do anything. It means nothing to me."
"I take her hand, the one that is holding the watch. I gasp as I start to see visions of a different life. A see a life with her. I see marriage and kids and growing out together. I see a nice normal human life with the one I love. It is so beautiful and I want it so badly.
"Did you see?" I ask her.
"The Time Lord has such adventures but he can never have a life like that." She says sadly. I know that she saw the same thing and she wants it as much as I do, but she is right. It is a life that is not possible for us.
She asks me what I am going to do and I do not even hesitate to open the watch. When the watch opens I can hear so many voices in my head. I watch as a golden light seeps out towards me and consumes me. I look at her one more time before I go. She is so beautiful.
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It was quite easy fooling the family of blood. I just had to act all clumsy and scared and they assumed I was human. After I stopped them, I placed each of them in a place where they can never die. It was what they wanted after all.
There is one more thing that I have to do before I leave with Martha. I walk back to the little girl's house and find Joan Redfern still sitting there. She noticed me walking in so she awkwardly got up and moved to the far corner. I cannot blame her for wanting to stay away.
"Is it done?" She says in a professional tone.
"It's done." I tell her simply. I lean against the wooden pillar in the room while she talks about how she is going to explain all this. She got up enough courage to look at me but she turned away immediately afterwards.
"Oh, you look the same." She says as she looks at me again. She looks so sad and I know that she is trying to stay strong. "Goodness, you must forgive my rudeness. I find it hard to look at you. Doctor, I must call you Doctor. Where is he? John Smith" She admits to me. She still cannot look me in the eyes and she seems extremely uncomfortable.
"He is in here. Somewhere." I answer her. I know what she is about to ask and I already know what I am going to say. I cannot do what she wants me to do. John Smith was always supposed to last only a few months.
"Like a story. Could you change back?" She asks as she finally looks into my eyes for a little bit.
"Yes."
"Will you?" She says with hope.
"No." I tell her without hesitating. I watch her heart break all over again. The hope that was there is gone.
"I see. Well then…he was braver than you…in the end. That ordinary man. You chose to change but…he chose to die." She tells me. She is such a good person and I can see how John could have fallen in love with her. I realize then that I could take her with me and let her see these amazing things.
"Come with me." I ask her.
"I'm sorry?" She asks with confusion.
"Travel with me."
"As what?" She whispers.
"My companion."
"But that's not fair. What must I look like to you, Doctor? I must look very small." She says to me.
"No. We can start again. I'd like that. You and me. We can try at least." I tell her with hope and excitement. It would be fun having someone else come along with me and Martha.
"I can't." She responds.
"Come with me." I beg her but she immediately shakes her head.
"I can't." She says again and I know there is no changing her mind.
"Why not?" I ask her.
"John Smith is dead and you look like him." She says and that is all she really needs to say. She does not need to add the fact that it would hurt her too much to see him. She does not need to say that it would kill her to look into those eyes and know that they will never look back at her with love again.
"But he is here inside…if you look in my eyes." I tell her as I walk closer to her. She still does not look at me and I know she is trying to sum up some once of courage to do so.
"Answer me this, just one question. That's all. If the Doctor never visited us, if he never chosen this place on a whim," She says as she finally looks at me with accusation. "Would anyone here would have died?"
We both look at each other for a moment. She looks at me with such blame for everything that has happened. I know she does not see me as John anymore and she has no love for the Doctor.
"You can go." Joan tells me as she points to the door. I stare at her for a moment before I walk away from her forever.
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I walk up the hill towards the Tardis. I see Martha there back in her normal cloths and I greet her with a molto bene.
"How was she?" Martha wonders with concern. Such a big heart that girl.
"Time we moved on." I tell her without answering her question. I think she already knows the answer.
"If you want I can go and…"
"Time we moved on." I insist. There is no point sticking around here. It would probably only hurt Joan Redfern more if I stayed.
Martha shifted around awkwardly for a moment. "I meant to say…last night. I would have said anything to get you to change."
"Oh, yea. Of course." I say even though I know that she meant it. It is better in the long run that we act like she does not feel that way. It is better than me trying to explain to her that I cannot love. The only reason why John Smith was able to was because he was human. The whole mates issue never applied to him.
"I mean I wasn't really…" Martha went on and I played along for a bit before we stopped.
"And I never said…thanks for looking after me." I tell her and I meant it. She watched out for me through it all.
We smile at each other and I wrap my arms around her in a friendly hug. We hugged until Timothy came along to say goodbye. He was a good kid and I am grateful for him watching over that watch. After we left, Martha and I go visit him again at a service for other soldiers who fought in the war. He seemed so happy to finally see us again.
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As Martha was in her room getting changed for our next destination, I was thinking about Joan Redfern. The love that John Smith had for her was familiar. It was the same love I had for the man John drew in his journal.
I look under the Tardis to find a picture of that same man. It was just a drawing that I drew centuries ago. I drew so I could not forget what he looks like. God, I loved him so much and I still do. He is the reason why I cannot return the feelings both Rose and Martha had for me.
I stare at the picture for a while and I swear I saw a tear drop fall onto the picture a little. "Oh Jodrin, I miss you so much."