[00:53 PM] STILES: where are you scotty i've been textin for like 1 whole hour..

[00:53 PM] SCOTT: Why are you texting like that? You okay?

[00:54 PM] STILES: yukimura's class, it's happening again i cant breathe.

[00:54 PM] SCOTT: Are you not sleeping? Do you still get the nightmares?

[01:00 AM] STILES: im not evil anymore you ass. of course i dont get them

[01:01 AM] SCOTT: If it isn't an emergency, I'm going to bed. There's a word... I forgot. Help me remember?

[01:09 AM] STILES: what word? i... oh wait i can read, thank god the nogitsune is "changed"

[01:12 AM] SCOTT: The word is Exam. We have an exam tomorrow and I can't lose study time to lack of sleep.

Also, yes, Lydia helped a lot , didn't she?

[01:30 AM] STILES: dad's home, late shift again, I'll be back in literally 5 mins.

[01:30 AM] SCOTT: I'll always wait for you, Stiles. :) Go right ahead.

click

My phone is locked now. Scott won't bother ... to text and I can -
"Son?"

"Oh my god, Dad! Hello?" I said that with a dorky grin, didn't I? *Inner facepalm.*

"Son... I want you to tell me something. Come downstairs a moment, would 'ya?"

I run my hand through my hair. Hopefully it isn't too bad...

Why am I shaking right now?

I walk past the kitchen counter and place my hands on the table behind my father.
"Sit down... you aren't in trouble, and you know if you did do something wrong, I would still love you. I'd be angry, sure, but son I'll always love you."
"... I have lots of people that love me and care about me. I am proud for that, and it does make life a little easier." I say that last part with a mumble, "What is it?"

My worst fears confirmed, Dad slides a sheet of paper to the place opposite him, "... *cough* it is"

I shoot a look of sympathy. "Take your time. Just breathe, nice and deep. Don't think about what you wanna say just... let it come out." A wave of my hand, up and down, up and down, to signal him to still his mind.

"Is that what you do all the time?" Noah chuckles at the joke.
"Yeah dad, guess that's why I'm so annoying." A tight-lipped smile escapes me.

"So, what did you find?"

crunch I'm eating an apple, big deal am I right?

"A suicide note." *Pfft- tschhh...* I spit out two big chunks of apple.
"Stiles, are you depressed? Do you have thoughts about ... ending your life?"

Most days, it is just on and off, but then sometimes, especially when I'm with my friends, I still feel alone, and then, what happened at Eichen House and... who we lost that day, it all comes back to me. Allison... she was Scott's anchor, emotionally and physically. And now that she's gone I'm worried about him, cause I don't think he'll ever love someone that way - never again. EVER. And sigh I'm still just the useless human who the wolves can push around, and the Banshees can scream at, and the Oni can stab, and the Kanima can use their stupid venom on. And...

I. still. feel. like. helping.

But nobody can help me.

And when they find out how messed up I reaaallyyyy am...

I don't think they'd want to.

I feel my dad, Noah, tap me on the shoulder and this makes them shrug at his question. Then I contemplate telling him all the thoughts that just rushed through my head.
Instead, I just stand up, smile, give him an even friendlier tap on his shoulder... and walk upstairs, to my bedroom.

SIGH.

Rope.

SIGH.

Pills.

SIGH.

A pistol.

SIGH!

Just in case.

I laugh, like an insane person.

I AM insane.

And they aaalllll die with me.

[01:36 AM] STILES: See you soon, Scott.

click. I lock my phone again.

Click.

I load Dad's gun and sneak outside.