This story is an action/comedy, dealing with Akatsuki and our loveable main characters as they struggle to kill each other. And don't ask if Itachi will be in it, because it wouldn't even be Akatsuki without him. Dumbass.

"And that about finishes it for Kurenai..." said Akatsuki Flunkie #1. He replaced the scroll his was writing in. "We'll have to wait for Master Zetsu before we can finish these others. We need his information." He sighed in his chair and rubbed his eyes. The dim light in the room was bad for him.

Akatsuki Flunkie #2 yawned. The pair had been diligently working for hours now. "What was the purpose of this again, Jean?" Only the flunkies knew each other by name...the TRUE Akatsuki members couldn't care less. "It's not like WE ever go out and put any of this to use. And the pay sucks, especially in comparison to the nearness-of-death-by-unseen-Akatsuki-plot ratio. I say we quit."

Akatsuki Flunkie #1, known by some as "Jean" sighed again. "Fine, so we don't USE these catalogs...but the senior members do. The job we're doing is vital for them!" Jean exclaimed, trying, and failing, to make his task sound meaningful. Akatsuki Flunkie #2 rolled his eyes. Jean continued to press forward. "Just think, Emo. Do you realize just how LONG its been since the data for the Leaf ninja was last updated? Like. Two YEARS. And with the senior members dying out on us...well, it could really come in handy now, huh?"

Akatsuki Flunkie #2, known by some as "Emo" for a random, but hilarious sequence of events prior to his initiation, sneezed. "Dying out?" He asked, rubbing his nose, "What, did another one die? Who?"

Jean sat upright and checked to make sure that sobody else was within hearing distance in the dimly lit scroll room. After making sure, he leaned in towards Emo, who leaned in to listen. "I heard," Jean said in a whisper, "that it was Deidara!"

"Really?!" Emo whispered back excitedly. "How'd he bite it?"

"I heard that he got blown up!"

Emo whistled, and sat back in his chair. "Damn...blown up. That's gotta suck...like, a lot. I feel sorry for the guy. Wait, which one was he again?"

Jean gave him a blank stare. "You know...that guy...had like, three mouths...blow things up with little birds and stuff..."

"Oh! YEAH! Oh. Never mind then." Emo said with recognition dawning on his face.

"Never, mind what?"

"I don't feel sorry for him anymore. That guy was a douche."

"Hey! You shouldn't talk about the senior members like that!"

"Well he's dead now, so–!"

"No...he's right..." said an odd voice from behind them. The flunkies startled and jumped into a standing position. "You shouldn't talk about the senior members that way..."

Emo swallowed. Hard. "I-I-I'm so sorry, Master Zetsu, sir!!!" Emo shouted to the resident Venus-flytrap of Akatsuki.

"It's okay...this time."said Zetsu in his scary voice. "Deidara WAS a douche."

"Now then..." Zetsu said...in his...other, scary voice... "How far have you gotten in updating the files?"

Jean cleared his throat and spoke up first. "We have rechecked all of the old information since before the time...er, skip?" Jean asked, referring to the two years or so before that the files were last updated. Zetsu simply shrugged. "...Right. Well, we have just finished Team Kurenai and we were waiting for your information to continue on to Team Kakashi, sir."

"Good job...". Inwardly, Jean beamed in his own pride. "Flunkie."Inwardly, Jean died a little. "Let's continue then. We'll start with the Jinchurriki...or however the hell you say that word."

"That would be the boy, right, sir? Is this the one that has the organization all fired up?" asked Emo, successfully finding and pulling out a dusty scroll.

"You aren't here to ask questions." Zetsu said calmly. "Flunkie". "At any rate, just read off the information, so that we can change it."

"Yes sir!" Emo said. Then, matter-of-fact, "Name: Naruto Uzumaki.

Description: Blonde-haired, blue eyed. Hyperactive and loud. Whisker-like marks on cheeks. Vessel for one of the biju. The nine-tailed-fox, The "Kyuubi".

Chakra stores: Very high.

Threat level on scale from 1 to 10:" Emo looked at Zetsu for the new information.

"3 to 10" Zetsu said. Emo looked at him questioningly. "Sir?" Zetsu shrugged again. "In his normal state, the boy is not much of a threat...except that he's really, really annoying. But he also holds the Kyuubi in his stomach...and he gets pissed off...a lot. With Kyuubi's power, he becomes a much bigger threat." "STOP EYEBALLING ME AND JUST WRITE IT DOWN, FLUNKIE!"

"Threat level: 3 to 10

Techniques:"

"Okay, so this kid only has two techniques. One just helps him be more annoying. This is called the Shadow-Clone Jutsu. It creates an active body-double. The other technique he has is called "Rasengan". This is his most dangerous technique. It makes this really pretty little blue ball in his hand that royally fucks you up if you touch it." Emo raised an eyebrow at "little blue ball" but he wrote it down.

"Other special powers or relevent information:"

"With Kyuubi's powers, he is granted increased regeneration ability and is even able to survive fatal attacks. As anger increases he grows increasingly more powerful, able to 'transform' into tailed states with each tail bringing more strength and speed. At 4th tail, he becomes extremely unstable and should be avoided even by the senior members."

Emo laughed. "So this kid like the 'Hulk'!" Emo exclaimed, mentioning his favorite comic book.

"Except, you know..." "Furry"

Jean pulled out the next scroll. "I have the next one here, Master. Name: Sakura Haruno...we don't really have much else on her, Master Zetsu."

"That's because before now she really didn't DO much. Excpet whine a lot." "True...she did do that..."

"Well I guess we'll start from scratch." Jean said, readying his pen. "Description:"

"Really LOUD pink hair. End of description." Jean looked at Emo and Zetsu. They both shrugged. Jean copied them, wanting to fit in. He failed.

"Chakra stores:"

"Average."

"Threat level:"

"5"

"Techniques"

"She, er...punches...stuff...?" "She's also a medical ninja, trained by Tsunade of the Three."

"Other powers or relevant information:"

"Her pink hair seems to have powers of its own, including mesmerization and the ability to not look stupid, even though we all know it should. She also talks to herself quite a bit...a lot really. She's obviously crazy and should be committed immediately."

Jean and Emo raised an eyebrow each and gave Zetsu a questioning glance. "...What?"

Emo pulled the next scroll. "Name: Uchiha, Sasuke."

"His first name is 'Uchiha'? That's ass."

"It's not, but it sounds cooler if you say his last name, first."

"...Douche."

"Uchiha Sasuke is no longer with Team Kakashi. In fact, he has formed his own team, called...Snake."

"I heard that somewhere sir, but we just keep him together with Team Kakashi for convience."

"Ah. Proceed."

"Description: Pale as death. Dark raven-colored hair, which really compliments his pale-ness. Has three expressions. 'Cocky', 'angry', and 'surprised'. Curse mark on left shoulder.

Chakra stores:"

"High, boosted further by Curse Mark of Heaven."

"Threat Level:"

"8"

Emo and Jean's jaws dropped. "It's so high! Is he really that strong?!"

Zetsu coughed. "Apparently, he is the only one of Team Kakashi who actually did any work these past two and a half years...anyway, continue."

"Techniques:"

"Breathes fire. I. Don't. Like. Fire." Zetsu said, looking lovingly at his foliage. "He also is skilled at lightning manipulation. His most dangerous technique is currently the 'Chidori' taught to him by Kakashi. Over the past two years, he has also created many variations of this technique. We'll go over them later."

"Other:"

"Very Fast. Has an unblockable sword. Possessor of the Sharingan."

Emo looked at Jean. "What's a Sharingan?"

Zetsu answered. "It's this rare eye condition that can do almost anything, and every time it comes out, it has another power. It effectively makes you God." A bell somewhere on Zetsu's person chimed and Zetsu turned to leave.

"Wait! Master Zetsu!" Jean said with a final scroll in his hands. "What about Kakashi?" Jean opened the scroll and read the information. Name: Kakashi Hatake. All the other areas just read the same letters. B.M.A.

"Kakashi's information does not need to be updated, it has remained the same." Zetsu started to leave again.

"But sir! ...What does B.M.A. mean?"

"Baddest Motherfucker Alive."

Zetsu's image appeared on the Sealing Statue. "Good, Zetsu. You are here." said the leader of Akatsuki. "Then we are reaady to begin."

"Begin with what, Leader?" Zetsu asked, feeling uncomfortable at being the last to show up.

"I've decided that Team Kakashi, and Uchiha Sasuke's team have become a significant threat to our organization. They've just recently killed Deidara, and now, undoubtedly they will be coming for the rest of us."

"Yeah, but that's just to get to Itachi right? I am half-convinced we should let him fend for himself. It is his fault that he just HAD to leave an emo-little brother alive when he slaughtered his whole clan...!" Itachi's image glared at Zetsu.

The leader's image coughed. "That may be true...but none-the-less, it is still a problem that concerns us all."

"So," said Kisame's image, "What are we gonna DO about it?"

"Gather your best flunkies." The leader said. "It is about time we counter-attack."

Review. So this was the first chapter, which is always the hardest for me. But look forward to the next ones, they'll only get better!