Disclaimerness!: why people feel compelled to write these damned things escapes me, but since I based this around someone else's song I reckoned I'd better add one. I don't own KnM or the song or anything 'sniffs'. about the fic this is the first song fic I've done, so be gentle, and if you want me to continue it, cos I really dont know, let me know! I still have quite a few verses left ;D
The sun lazily spilled onto my face and I basked in both it and the sudden presence of Himeko now that the long days of a bitter, loveless spring were only memories. Drifting down the stairs of the house, I was immersed by a gentle wave of warmth and I smiled lightly as I turned to see her flinging herself down the stairs towards me, her hands outstretched, calling my name.
If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
Grinning, I steadied myself for her clumsy embrace and yet still found myself sprawled at the bottom of the stairs with her arms still around me as she landed on top of me. Blushing at the memory and resemblance to a similar situation that had me sprawled on my back yesterday evening, her eyes met mine and we both laughed as I picked her up and she apologised, dusting my face.
"Are you alr-"
"Chikanechan! We'll miss the festival!" She cried, grasping my hand firmly as she dragged me to my feet and through the town.
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
Weaving nimbly through the parades and displays her blonde hair caught and fluttered in the wind, before disappearing suddenly in the crowds. Her hand wrenched from mine and the force of it made me fall forward onto the confetti strewn ground, crying out suddenly. Hearing a similar cry, I dragged myself upwards only to find myself haggling with a street seller.
"Thirty!" he cried " For thirty! This is giving it away, a man has to eat, I have ten children, my mama sick!" he was blocking my path. A sudden terror rose in me like an icy ocean sweeping over me and I frantically called over his shoulder, but the only reply was the cheer of the heated carnival. Choking my throat, the terror grew further; we were in a strange town, it was notorious for disappearances and women being violated, she had slipped from my grasp and all I could see were lights, bright lights, jeering faces, coloured paper blocking my vision, mocking laughter carrying her away from me -
"Get off me!" I snarled, forcing the heavy seller away from me with such vehemence he fell with a cry into the crowds. With a sudden rush of adrenaline, I shoved my way though the crowds stronger than I had before, my ears sharpened to her voice, my eyes searching, hunting for a shimmer of -
"Himeko!" I yelled as the crowds forced me backwards. "HIMEKO!"
A curtain of gold twisted suddenly and she was there, ahead of me, held from me by the revellers. Turning, she began to find her way back to me…
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
Pushed to the ground I lost sight of her again as the carnival raged in a separated world above me. Breathing shortly I tried to rise. But I found it strangely impossible until a hand, her hand reached through the crowd and gripped mine, tugging me to my feet and wiping my tears of desperation.
"Are you alright, Chikanechan?" she whispered.
Nodding dumbly I could only hold her tightly until my irrational anxiety calmed.
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?
Diving down an alleyway, we moved away from the carnival and further into the tranquil countryside.
"I was getting tired of it anyway," she explained "it was too noisy in there. Is out here okay, Chikanechan?"
Blinking, I nodded and smiled, glowing with the way she knew what I wanted and how to comfort me better than I did.
"Anywhere's okay, Himeko." I smiled. Anywhere you are.
"um.. Chikanechan?" she asked, timidly "Can I.. can I ask you something?"
Nodding, I glanced at her nervous face "Anything you like."
I never know what the future brings, but I know you are here with me now, we'll make it through
"I.. I know that this was supposed to be a special day.. for us two, but… but" looking thoroughly miserable, she sighed "um… nothing."
Looking at her curiously, I reached for her hand "Anything." I reminded her.
Wincing, she looked to the ground "Its just that …I haven't seen Soma since I got back, and he has to leave for more training tomorrow, and I got this letter just before we left, and he'll be here today, and I'd like it if I could find him, and maybe spend a little time with him, but not too much if you don't want, I could just say.." the words seemed to stick in her throat.. "just say.. goodbye. He doesn't know how long he'll be gone this time and " her voice was merely a whisper, full of sorrow .. and suddenly it broke "and I miss him."
I tried to reply and tell her that I wanted her to be happy.. but how could I? So it was him again. He was the reason she had been so distant recently, he was the real reason she had wanted to come today, he was quite possibly the real reason she came back to me at all. She missed him. She was still thinking about him, still snatching time with him after all the months they had been apart, and it was still him who was making the only thing I'd ever wanted impossible. As long as he was still here. I was so sure, so very sure that this time, this time she had wanted me.. I though.. I could laugh at the idea now.. I thought we could make it. I really did.
I swallowed. Hard. "Sure Himeko. If you want to see him.. I'll make sure you find him safely. But I," I swallowed again "I have some-ah- something I need to do back home anyway, so make sure he-um-. Comes home with you." my face was flushing. But she was so pleased she didn't notice my lies. It was like it always would be. Just so long as she was happy, I didn't matter.
We us didn't matter at all.
And I hope you are the one I share my life with.
Although I still needed her more than ever, she was beginning to find she didn't need me. I guess I should have been happy for her, but when a voice called her name and Soma appeared, I made my excuses and left, my hair clinging to my tears as it was whipped by the wind. Somehow I managed to keep my dignity as far as I knew they could see me, but once they were out of sight, I wept in total abandonment, flinging myself away from them, my fear, my loneliness, my loss, my hate all fuelling my mind and body until I was running. Running and weeping and above all desperate to get away somewhere- anywhere- away from them.
I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand.
I neither know nor cared where I was headed. It took my a while to realise I was following the road we took to get here, leading back to where I truly belonged, in a cold and loveless house, not in her arms. I was far away from the main carnival and among the street sellers who had brought tables to display their stock. It didn't seem to matter that I was half-blinded by my hair and tears, that I'd run so far I could barley breathe and my legs and every aching part of my body were commanding me to stop, I needed to get away, to get away from myself and the mess I was in. It took a stray traffic cone, a loss of balance, a trapped shoelace, several gashes on my hands and legs and a severe blow to the head to stop me. And then, pathetic as it was, I just knelt in the road and wept. No-one really cared, the sellers too busy trying to live, everyone else I had was gone. No-one, even my Himeko, really cared. And as I glanced to my side as a movement of light caught my eyes, I knew why. One of the stalls sold mirrors. A large one was resting on the ground directly opposite me and I knew, stronger than before, even though I'd known all along why. Why she loved him. Why I hated him. Why we could never be together, why it was wrong that I even wanted it. I was a girl. And so was she. And only when that impossibility changed could her feelings for me.
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Why did it have to be so wrong?
Why was being in love so very wrong?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?