Disclaimer: I don't own ER. I wrote this a few weeks ago, and posted it at LJ, but just thought I'd posted it here as well.
It seemed that we were never meant to have a happy ever after.
I was right, she never visited. We emailed, we spoke on the phone, but the right moment for a visit never appeared. We rebuild our friendship, but I still hoped for more.
A year after I left Morris and Hope got married, that was our first real opportunity to meet, but I was working again by then, as a counsellor, and couldn't get the time off.
Six months later and there was a farewell party for Abby and Joe, off to Croatia to be with Luka. We made plans for dinner the night before, I believed this was our chance, we talked daily, we flirted and laughed, but a few days before we were supposed to meet, she phoned, in tears, her father had just died and she had to go back to England.
She left Chicago not long after that to move to Boston, after a while the phone calls became less frequent, but we still emailed daily, something had changed, I just couldn't place what.
But there was another opportunity to put things right a year later at Greg and Bettina's wedding, yes, that's right the ladies man finally settling down. Again we made plans for dinner. Again they were cancelled, my mother took ill that Friday morning, and I owed her so much for the last few years. I hated cancelling though; I was convinced that this finally was our time. A phone call a few days later blew that illusion right out of the water. She had met a guy called Chris, she was happy and she was also pregnant. She'd wanted to tell me in person.
I had a conference in Boston a month later; I arranged to meet her for coffee. I couldn't go through with it. I saw her sitting there, her stomach swelling with the child it held inside, and I'd never seen a sight so beautiful and I knew I couldn't stay.
A few months later I received an invite to the christening of Archie and Hope's first born. I went. This time there were no dinner or coffee arrangements, she was due any day and couldn't be there. I didn't go alone, there was a woman on my arm, I don't remember her name, I left alone though. The woman told me, in no uncertain terms, that until I could go out and not mention Neela all night I should abstain from dating.
Neela and I were still in touch, she'd had a baby girl, Anna, we still emailed most days, she was a part of my life I couldn't give up, but I slowly moved on.
I was with Laura for five years, my longest relationship, and we were happy (reasonably) though after Greg told me that Chris had walked out on Neela and Anna we kind of limped through the final two.
But even then it wasn't our time.
Then I received an invite to Greg and Bettina's 10th anniversary celebrations. I honestly believed this was it, our chance, we were both in our early forties, single, we still had half our lives ahead of us. There was time, just, for us to have kids, if she wanted, whatever. There was an odd line on the invite though, 'date may change if circumstances necessitate' it made no sense to me. I emailed her to see if she was going, her answer was vague, but 'Anna would be there unless circumstances necessitated otherwise'. It was a strange phrase, and I couldn't work it out.
I spoke to Greg and as the words sunk in (cancer, out of remission, primary ovarian, secondary cervical, Chris couldn't cope, weeks not months) the meaning of the phrase became apparent. She'd moved back to Chicago a few months before and I was on the next plane there.
After thirteen years we were finally in the same place, together. We had two weeks, two weeks to make up for thirteen years; 14 days to create memories to last me a lifetime.
She slipped away in my arms, her daughter beside her. And for the first time in the sixteen years I'd known her I had to say goodbye.
I occasionally think back to Abby and Luka's wedding and what happened that night, how could I not, and I wonder how different life would have been if Hope hadn't interrupted.
We were never destined for happily ever after, Hope and fate conspired to ensure that.