It had been only about three days since Magnus had called things off. But to Alec, it seemed more like three weeks. And not in way that one would have time to move on, no. Moving on, is not what Alec was doing. He'd never move on. Not from Magnus. Not ever.
Alec wouldn't be able to move on, either. When you move on, you do it to find someone better than your ex. And there was no one better than Magnus. Plus, Alec didn't deserve to. It was all his fault. He hadn't trusted Magnus to love him, as he grew older. He was such an idiot, and now, Magnus would never love him. Now or future. No one would.
Alec felt so much pain, so much grief. He loved Magnus, and Magnus had loved Alec. Then Magnus hadn't loved Alec, but Alec still loved him. It hurt...so bad...but no amount of pain would be enough. He needed more of a punishment. Needed to help Magnus in the destroying of himself.
And that's how it started. Alec pressed the tiny blade against his wrist, and cut straight across. Not deep enough to kill himself, just deep enough to hurt. He watched the scarlet blood fall like tears, onto his pale arm. It was almost beautiful... In a disturbed way. Alec just sat there on his bed, legs crossed, watching the blood fall. His right arm propped up his head, and he was staring down at his cut arm. When his tears fell, they stung, and turned the blood a pinkish colour. He was determined not to use an iritze. He needed the lasting effects. Needed to heal in the most pathetic way. Because that's all that he was. Pathetic- for not trusting Magnus, for considering Camille's offer, for not being brave enough to do the right thing-to kill himself-, and for just...just being Alec Lightwood.
Whatever Isabelle and Jace felt, Alec was definitely not mad at Magnus. Alec understood that what he had done was absolutely horrible... Alec shuddered. He never was going to actually do it... Take away Magnus's immortality. But he had considered it, and that's what made him a monster.