Welcome to the isle of Sampetra. A tropical jewel where love is fleeting, secrets lie buried and anything (from nautical adventures to rodents with bikini waxes) is possible…
Devil-gurl666 says: Hello mortals. All your fav protagonists from the original Sweet Sampetra are back and just as screwed, sassy and comical as you remembered them. So, don't be shy, satisfy your guilty pleasure and indulge yourselves in the riotous Second Season.
Devil's Advocate says: Sorry for the excruciatingly long wait, but we were working on some of our other stories for a change.
Ublaz says: Hmmm. You might like your other characters better than us but remember, I provide all the funding for your stories. Without me, you would just be two bums sitting on one of Hell's streetcorners with your shaggy beards, demanding a penny for the poor.
Devil's Advocate says: (Whispered) He has a point.
Devil-gurl666 says: What? Girls don't grow beards!
Anyways, ENJOY!
P.S.: Do NOT read this unless you've read Season One. You won't get squat.
SWEET SAMPETRA SEASON 2: Season Premier: The One With Frootloop and the MartiansThe ship came gliding majestically out of the mist like some colossal, exotic butterfly. Dark, violet pennants streaming from its mast and rigging, its sleek, ebony hull gracefully slicing the waves. If the Bloodkeel was a floating impassive beast, this baby was a stealthy dangerous predator. Rasconza was in love.
He rushed onto the jetty and there, balanced high on the prow, was a mysterious, silk-swathed (try saying that ten times fast) figure. The fox gazed upon it with a mixture of awe and curiosity.
A/N: Just a little confused? Well, here's the story 'till now, leaving off from where our heroes (however unheroic their night ventures might be) were still castaways on that lone, desert island…
• • •
"Ladies and genitals!"
Several perturbed heads poked around palm trees, and Sagitar whirled to the source of the voice, glowering. Seriously. Being roused at 6:00 in the morning by someone yelling about your genitals was probably infuriating enough to turn the Pope into an axe murderer.
"Retard, SHUT UP! I've got Lady's Speed Stick, and I'm not afraid to use it!"
Barranca's diminutive silhouette was suddenly framed by the carmine sunrise. "Now, now Sagitar, life's not all beer and skittles," he paused at her befuddled look, "Well anyway, I think I've found a way to get off this island… once and for all!"
She frowned. "This better be good."
"Yeah," Ublaz added, "It interrupted my sit-ups."
She heard Rasconza give a melodramatic sigh, "Yeah, and it interrupted my ponderings on how this island's looking more and more like an insane asylum."
That was the leader of the Rebel Crew for you. If he ever sounded optimistic, the mafia had abducted him and replaced him with a Rasconza look-alike. And you thought the mafia only employed humans. Amateur.
Barranca smiled, content that for once in his rather uneventful life, all eyes were on him.
"Well," He explained "It goes sumthin' like this: using mainly inflatable bras, we make a raft and paddle our way out with thongs…"
The mammals exchanged freaked-out eyebrow raises.
"Yeah, one problem with your little lingerie getaway there," Ublaz argued, fiddling distractedly with his manicured paw-nails, (manicured! Cringe) "Sagitar doesn't wear an inflatable bra and even if Rinj does its hardly enough to support all five of us. Not mentioning Craig and the lizard monitors, that is."
"Pah, the filthy reptiles! They can stay stranded for all I care…anyway how do you know that Sagitar doesn't wear an inflatable bra, huh?"
A blush rose unbidden to the Emperor's cheeks. Luckily, he was saved further embarrassment by the mellifluous dring that could only mean a cell phone.
"Excusez-moi" Ublaz wrenched the so-thin-it-could-slide-between-your-two-front-fangs cell from a velcroed pocket in his cargos.
"Yeah this is Ublaz….Melissa?…how did you get this number?….this is a secure line you know….from a ferret secretary in Gucci sunglasses? Well, this is an extremely bad time so I'm afraid I'll have to call you back …not as important as what I'm going through right now….no, wait I didn't—
Ublaz stared at the phone's coloured screen for a couple of milliseconds, which now read call ended. He flipped it shut and looked up, only to be met with a series of wide-eyes and open-mouthed gapes.
"What?" He said.
"Someone just hung-up on Ublaz.." Barranca looked completely and utterly flabbergasted. Such a thing had never happened before.
"Someone didn't tell us he had a cell phone the whole freakin' time." Sagitar said, her voice low and dangerous. She was no longer stunned, only livid with a sizzling anger.
"Forgot." He responded, undisturbed "My bad." He turned and began sauntering back towards the camp.
"Ublaz!" the she-rat hissed grabbing him by the forearm and whirling him around so that he was forced to face her. "What do you mean, forgot?" She could hear Rinj cackling something about "this could get nasty" into Rasconza's tar-tipped ear but she chose to ignore it.
She could tell he was trying to put on an apologetic air. She really felt like slapping him. She would have, but she didn't want to give Barranca the satisfaction of yelling "Ooh ! Ublaz got bitch slapped!" or give Rasconza the satisfaction of thinking he could have her. Right. In his porno foxy dreams he would.
"Look," The pine-marten mumbled, "I didn't want to waste my minutes."
"Sure Ublaz, and I still haven't hit puberty."
Barranca's eyes went even wider, which Sagitar hadn't thought possible.
"Seriously?" The ferret queried " But Sag,…your boobs, they're like ginormous …Wait a minute" He turned to Ublaz, pointing an accusing finger. "Hahahahaa! I was right, she does wear an inflatable bra! You suck, rich-man! You suck!"
Sagitar rolled her eyes. Barranca: getting carried away as usual. "Have you ever heard of a little thing called sarcasm?"
"Orgasm?"
"Not that again." Ublaz ground his sharp teeth in frustration. "You know where you can shove your sex jokes, Barranca."
"Yeah," Sagitar cut-in "And that was so, like, twenty-four hours ago"
"Fine," The ferret harrumphed, "I'll just go hang with my best friends, Rasconza and Rinj." He skulked off, spraying upturned sand with his foot-paws as he went. "Oh, and Sagitar," He added, over his shoulder, "You and Ublaz were so twenty-four hours ago." And then he was gone.
Sagitar turned her full wrath back to Ublaz. "Okay Emperor, give me that phone. We're calling the Coastguard and getting the hell outta here."
Ublaz hesitated. Wasn't he supposed to be giving the orders? She snatched the cell from his paws anyways and punched in the numbers.
Dring…dring…dring….drin—
"Hello…?
"Coastguard, rescue sensation for the nation. How may we help you?" declared an oddly familiar voice with inflated enthusiasm.
"Craig?" Sagitar cried.
"Hey chief, wassup?"
"Wait a minute—You're stuck here with us! Why the hell are you answering the Coastguard's phone calls?"
Ublaz looked at her frankly. "Uh…Sagitar? I own the Coastguard."
She sighed despairingly. "Ublaz, you, like, own the world!"
Ublaz couldn't help an evil little smile. "Yes, mostly."
• • •
Finally, they called Romsca and she agreed to come give them a lift, after much flattery from Ublaz ("You really are the best secretary I've had, or at least the hottest one." Ha. Ha. Ha. My ass.)
And after a harrowing ride over the restless seas, Sagitar being crammed in the backseat of a roaring Sikorsky executive helicopter between Craig, Rinj and Rasconza while Ublaz and Romsca chatted amiably up front (Barranca had been wedged in the trunk with the lizard monitors, poor guy ) they alighted on the rooftop helipad. Home on Sampetra.
"So what now, brown cow," Barranca said as he swung lazily in his hammock aboard the Bloodkeel.
"At least this time he's addressing us as a farm animal and not by our sexual reproductive organs," Rasconza murmured.
Sagitar stood wearily, "Hey, anyone other than me hungry?"
"Yeah, if we'd had food, I wouldn't have gone and got myself abducted by reptiles in the first place," Rasconza grinned sardonically, "But we can always eat Barranca."
The ferret gasped. "You wouldn't!"
"My, my," Sagitar ran her tongue slowly over her lips, "He does look kinda tasty."
"Okay, Sagitar," Barranca said, "That's not scaring me, just making me really horny."
She rolled her eyes. "God, I'll never understand you guys."
"I don't think you wanna."
Rasconza stared wistfully out the circular window, not seeming to be taking any of this last exchange in. Barranca waved a furry paw in front of his face.
"Yoo hoo," he yodelled, "Come in, we have a problem…"
"Yeah, whatever, Houston." Rasconza rose abruptly to his feet. "I think someone just rode into our jetty."
"I better go check it out." And without further ado, he left the galley.
"Okay, Sag," Barranca whispered, once he was sure the fox was out of ear-shot. "We are going to swap Rasconza's toothpaste for Laxative."
"Huh? Laxative?"
"Yeah, you know that crazy shit that makes you…err, shit like crazy."
Sagitar grimaced. "You are one sick little dude."
"So they tell me."
• • •
The ship came gliding majestically out of the mist like some colossal, exotic butterfly. Dark, violet pennants streaming from its mast and rigging, its sleek, ebony hull gracefully slicing the waves. If the Bloodkeel was a floating impassive beast, this baby was a stealthy dangerous predator. Rasconza was in love.
He rushed onto the jetty and there, balanced high on the prow, was a mysterious, silk-swathed (try saying that ten times fast) figure. The fox gazed upon it with a mixture of awe and curiosity.
• • •
Ublaz was in his hot tub with Mandy, consuming some rather delicious yam ice cream (very expensive and imported from Turkey) when Romsca poked her head around the door with a message.
"You have a visitor at the gates, sire. Would you like me to see her in?" Yam ice cream, in a hot tub? How do you say queer—maybe some kind of dirty meaning or something? Doubtful.
"Did she leave a name?"
"No, but I really don't think it's a good idea."
"Why?"
"Well…" Romsca lowered her voice, like the visitor could even hear her, "She dressed really weird, like multicoloured scarves and big tacky earings… like a freaking gypsy!"
Ublaz looked frankly surprised, maybe even a little scared. Then of course, he was back to his dapper self. "Dismiss her, Romsca. Tell her I'm out." He would have to investigate this himself.
"Yeah, okay." She retreated out the door, a little pensive.
Mysterious Gypsy Girl On Emperor's Doorstep. Romsca could already smell a story. Or maybe it was just the yams.
• • •
Over the languid creaking of the Bloodkeel's timbers, the ship's gentle rocking, and Barranca's conspiratorial snickering, (not to mention her overall lack of sleep and booze on the island) Sagitar drifted into a fitful doze. However, in the very climax of her bizarre daydream (Martians had seized Sampetra, Barranca was retching in the toilet, shouting "A pirate's life for me!", and Ublaz had transformed into a high-profile mobster they called "Frootloop") she was pulled from her reverie by some raucous laughter nearby.
Still half asleep, and quite disoriented, she staggered down the corridor, and swung the door open.
Ublaz was sitting on his own in a corner, clutching a bottle of rum, while Barranca and Rasconza were cackling and grinning companionably a at certain pine marten. Sagitar squinted at her. Clad in strange, vibrant colours from head to footpaws, she was beginning to look like a…
"Martian!" Sagitar screamed, jabbing a claw at the newcomer.
Everyone whirled around to stare at her. Ublaz rose to his feet.
"Uh…Sagitar, this is—"
Sagitar granted him a fierce glare. "No, Frootloop. You don't know what you're dealing with," then she turned back to the pine marten, "Invader, I am no fool! I know where you're hiding that shrink-ray!"
"Someone forgot to take their pills," Barranca said, then snatched Ublaz's bottle of rum and clubbed her over the head with it.
There was a pause, and Sagitar stood there, looking even more maddened with alcohol drenching her face…then she began to yell and scratch feverishly at her eyes.
"It burns! IT BURNS!"
"Drat," Ublaz scowled, "That was my last bottle."
Rasconza looked at the emperor incredulously, "Jeez man, don't you mean that was my last chief Trident-rat left who hasn't succumbed to madness? God, show some compassion."
Sagitar, now fully awake, glanced around her in confusion, "Whaaa..? How did I get here?"
"Oh, never mind that," Barranca motioned to the newcomer with a flourish, "Sagitar, may I present to you Melissa…. Ublaz's…er…"
"Ex," the gypsy pine marten smiled mysteriously then added in a confidential murmur, "But he's still not over me yet, isn't that right Ublaz?"
Ublaz glared at them from his corner, obviously still pissed due to the rum. "What? I broke up with her cause she was a homicidal maniac. Good in bed though…"
"Lovely," Rasconza groaned, "Now, if I'm not the only one who doesn't wanna hear about this than let's change the subject, shall we?"
They immediately broke into some conversation or other, Rinj coming in later, only to have Ublaz confide in her (much to her irritation) now that the rum was gone. Sagitar only heard bits and pieces of it though. Barranca and Rasconza seemed to be utterly enthralled by Melissa, hanging on to her every word. There was something, however the ex-chief trident-rat didn't think was quite right with her… something fishy.
Finally the gypsy stood up, yawning, "Oh, I think I'll get back to my ship to get some sleep. It was a long journey here."
But Rasconza and Barranca wouldn't hear of it.
"You can sleep in the captain's cabin if you want," the fox offered, granting her a roguish grin. Sagitar rolled her eyes. We all know what happens in the captain's cabin.
"Nah, that place is filthy and smells like your grandma," Conva's little bro objected, "You can sleep in my room."
"Hey, you wanna go, little freak?" Rasconza challenged him, getting cocky.
Barranca sighed and turned away… then whirled around, kicking the unfortunate fox in that painful place between his legs.
Rasconza crumpled to the ground instantly, shooting the ferret a vile look, "You know what, you kick like a freakin girl."
Barranca broke into hysterical laughter; the fox's voice had gone unnaturally high.
"Whatever you say, chipmunk!" he turned to Melissa, "Let's go, babe."
Then he stuck his tongue out atRasconza, and sauntered down the hall, Melissa in tow.
An awkward silence fell over them as they watched Rasconza writhing with agony on the floor. After a while, Rinj sighed.
"Well, some lady's man Barranca turned out to be."
"Yeah, I think Ublaz was setting him a bad example," Sagitar grinned.
Ublaz looked defensive. "Hey, I'm not trying to be a role model here—I'm just trying to take over the world. Anyways, what do you guys think of Melissa?"
Rinj and Sagitar both coughed simultaneously, "Ahem hem, whore."
"She's a freaking sexy beast!" came Rasconza's squeak from below.
"If you like porn stars," Sagitar stepped over the fox and crossed to the door. "Now, I'm gonna go finish my beauty sleep."
Rinj started at the idea of staying alone with Ublaz, "Yeah, I'm coming too."
"Fine, leave me here with that wretched creature," Ublaz scowled at the writhing Rasconza.
Sagitar hastened down the narrow corridor. She yawned; hopefully this time she wouldn't have any dreams about martians…
"Uh, Sagitar, wait up."
The ex-chief trident-rat gave Rinj a curious stare. Like she ever even tries to talk to me.
"What?"
"You don't like that Melissa girl much, do you?"
"You kidding? She's such a faggit."
"Yeah, well I found this in her pocket," Rinj reached into her jeans and pulled out a… knife. And if was crusted with dark stains that reminded Sagitar of something not so pretty.
"Ewww, what the hell?" she thought about it for a moment. Why would Rinj be looking in her pockets? She glanced at the other rat suspiciously, "Where you like a pick-pocket or something in your country?"
"…No."
"Street Urchin?"
"What do you care!"
"Jeez, jeez, don't get your panties in a twist," Sagitar examined the knife more closely, "What if Ublaz was telling the truth? What if," she looked at Rinj in horror, "Melissa really is a homicidal maniac?"
Rinj glared at her, "Don't be stupid, of course she isn't. She hasn't killed any of us yet, has she?"
"Not yet!"
"Okay, okay, do you want to hear my plan or not?"
Now Sagitar was all ears. "Plan?"
"Yeah. Melissa is meeting Ublaz tomorrow night at ten o'clock. I think we should listen in and find out a little more about her."
"Hmmmm," Sagitar gave Rinj a knowing smile, "I know what this is about. You just want to find out if Ublaz really still has feelings for her, cause you want him for yourself!"
Rinj gave her a frosty glare. "No."
"Whatever you say…"
"Hey, what are you two doing alone out here?" Ublaz passed them in the hall, a new bottle of rum in hand.
"Sorry to disappoint you but we're not lesbians, frootloop." Sagitar mocked. Hmmm. Maybe it was worth going to go spy on him. This would definitely be interesting, and maybe she could sell any info to Romsca for those Gucci sunglasses…
"Don't you ever call me frootloop again!" Ublaz said before striding down the hall.
"Okay," Sagitar called after him, "Count Chocula!"
To be continued…
A/N: Devilgurl666 says: Hope y'all liked it!
Devil's Advocate says: And pleez review. (Excuse the stupid cereal jokes)