An Account of Losses

"Gwindor."

Yes…that was my name…Gwindor…but call me Naeth now, I thought, more than half asleep. Sorrow. It would be so wonderful to die now. I fear I weary of my captors' sport before they do. They can and often do their worst and while I live, and can distance myself from it, the pain is still there. But whatever pain they can cause me, I can cause worse for myself. All I must do is think, think of those that died.

 My gwador indo*, my brother Gelmir. I can recall his death with a frightening clarity…I saw him brought forth. I watched them cut his hands off…my eyes could not believe what they saw. It could not be, I thought. This is all a dream. They cut off his feet. I felt a sort of…a wave of pain, sympathetic pain, I suppose. His face was pale as the sword was raised again and then…I cannot…cannot continue. That sight will be with me all my life. I screamed- I knew I did, I could not stop it.

And as though madness drove me, I dug my heels into my horse. I would slay those who slew my brother. They would pay. They would all pay! At that moment, so intent was I on my revenge I did not realize that I did not attack alone. Later I learned what had happened. Seeing that I rode to my death, my company followed, and the line, the whole line followed my company instead of waiting for Maedhros' forces to make a combined assault on Angband.

We swept through our foes like an avenging wind and we scattered them. My company kept up with me well and we reached the very stairs of Angband…and then my rash behavior caught us all up. I shall never forget all of my days, when at last it came down to three others and myself. Elanna, my standard bearer, still carrying my standard somehow, cheerfully dealt death to any that came in range of his dagger. My two best swordsmen also stood with me to the last, Mithnár, and his brother Gilfalas.

Gilfalas was the first to fall, by a bolt from an orc's crossbow. I remember the strange shuddery sigh he gave as he sank to the ground and Mithnár's pained cry, even as he slew another orc. He had felt Gilfalas die. I had scarcely the time to think on this as I fended off attack after attack.

Then Elanna fell. One of the orcs had been skewered by his dagger, but fell forward with his sword onto him. The standard would have fallen, but Mithnár grabbed it, and standard in one hand, sword in the other, he stood, his back against mine. The orcs circled us like carrion birds, waiting. One of them snarled something and I felt, but did not see the bolt that killed Mithnár.

I felt him falling to the floor, but quickly I turned and got my free hand across his chest, holding him close to me. My sword still threatened the orcs, but I knew that was not to last for long. And so for what seemed a long moment, I held him and watched the light in his eyes become clouded and vanish, and I knew that it was my fault that they had died here, in such a hopeless situation. Then I felt something heavy strike the back of my head, and my last thought was that I would die with them.

"Gwindor!" My eyes flew open as a whip struck my back and I cried out. I had learnt that it did not hurt so much if you did cry out. A rough claw pulled me to my feet. Yes, let them do that for me. It took a moment to steady myself, but I was not given a moment, and was almost pushed into the back of the captive in front of me, a craftsman of Fingolfin's house named Rannár. "I tried to wake you," he whispered. I nodded absently.

                Our unwilling labor seemed to take place in the very heart of the earth. We mined for gems and for ores, stripping the earth of all its inner beauty. Thankfully, being raised in Nargothrond, I was not claustrophobic, as some were. But this place was nothing like Nargothrond. It was dark, so very dark, the only light was the little blue lantern that each miner carried. I did not understand the secret of the glowing gem, but then, I did not inquire further. Those that knew the secret were tortured to try to make them reveal it to Morgoth. But none would.

             Rannár caught my eye and almost imperceptibly he motioned for me to follow him. Slowly, very slowly so as not to attract the notice of our guards, I clipped my lantern to my frayed belt and began to work my way towards him. Finally I reached him. His eyes flashed slightly, I thought, but I might have been mistaken. "Gwindor," he whispered. "I have done what I have been trying to for a very long time. It is high time that someone escaped. You will escape."