A/N: This is a long one that may spoil parts of the story (it's only 1800 words...couldn't spoil much!), so feel free to skip it! This is not a story I intended to write. Or rather, this is not the way I expected to write it. It actually fits into a universe I created for a James/Lily epic-to-be when and if I get over the writer's block that has had me stuck for months. I made sure this fits with that story in case I ever do post it. Anyway, I was thinking about a few things I never tire of and had a burst of inspiration to sit down and write this. It's rough and quick...don't judge too harshly. I was first thinking that I never get tired of wondering how and when James Potter became the James that married Lily. All we know is that his head shrank a bit and he grew up. I like to ponder how that happened, and contrary to what I will say in this story, I believe it was probably a gradual thing, not an all-of-the-sudden turnabout in his 7th year. And then I began pondering Sirius, as I always do. I really feel he wasn't given a fair shake, and he's my favourite character, so I can spend hours contemplating the nuances of him. I think he's so brilliant and complex and always fascinating to both read and write about. It all culminated with one topic that I also never tire of - the prank. The prank is so quickly raised and dismissed in canon, a sort of plot device that comes in handy but is never fully understood. And this is part of what makes the series so brilliant, because such a prank is so complex and would have such reverberations in the lives of people involved, but we obsessed fans can imagine it as much as we want. I like to think of it as a turning point, not only for James as a character, but also for Sirius and Remus. Because in the end, James suspects Remus is a spy. A close friendship is somehow twisted into suspicion. And there is no one who protests. Sirius may have the idea, but James and Lily agree. I have myself used the excuse that it was secret werewolf stuff that took him away from the Order and made the others begin to doubt him, but I can't honestly buy into that theory too much. After all, James and Sirius (and probably reluctantly Peter) spent YEARS mastering an illegal Animagus form to be with their friend. They are the least prejudiced people towards werewolves that could be conceived. They aren't ever bothered by it...so it seems unlikely that their distrust arose from his "furry little problem." And while I do believe that the crumbling of their friendship is a product of war and the paranoia that naturally arises, Remus seems to be the one they all agree on. In my mind, there was some sort of chasm that began to form much, much earlier, that made it easier for James, Lily, and Sirius to all suspect Remus, and for Remus to in turn suspect Sirius. Should I complete it, my James/Lily story will explore that further, but this is just a small taste into those complicated feelings and issues. And now that I have written an extraordinarily and unnecessarily long author's note, I hope you enjoy the story!
Later, everyone will say that James Potter grew up when his father died. It was his Seventh Year, right at the very beginning, and suddenly no one questioned his Head Boy status (not openly, anyway), and Lily Evans was at his side nearly constantly. It seems right, but they will be wrong.
The more charitable among them might point to the beginnings of war, those first rumblings among the student body and those first awful headlines in the Daily Prophet. People who did not know James, but who knew of him and liked him, might claim the boy became a man when he quite openly aligned himself with Blood Traitors, Muggle-borns, and so-called half-breeds, even when he himself could have had the Wizarding world on a silver platter thanks to his name and the purity of his blood.
But people who know James Potter, the only ones who really know him, know he did not grow up in fits and starts. It happened all at once, without time to pause or reflect or contemplate next steps. It was long before his father grew ill, and before he swore allegiance to the Order of the Phoenix. And in the end, the only two people who really know the true story are his future bride and his best mate.
No one else will never know. Because above all, James is honourable, and he will never tell.
A week later, a month later, and finally even a year later, however, he will still remember. He will still lie awake in bed and listen for the breaths of one particular person, one who has shared his room since they were eleven. Back then, James couldn't tell the difference between his mates' nighttime breathing. Back then, he couldn't imagine that he ever would.
But on the darkest nights of James Potter's Sixth Year at Hogwarts, he knows the sound of Sirius breathing and listens for it, making sure it is still there, reassuring himself the brother of his heart is still mostly in one piece. And as he lays awake and listens and counts the breaths, he knows his childhood is over. The pranks, the hexes, the laughter…they will still continue, but innocence is gone and James can't even mourn it because it could have been – and very nearly was – so much worse.
Remus rages after the prank. That very first night, James thought of it in capitals – it was The Prank, the one that changed everything – but later, it will seem a small incident in his books. Remus shouts and hurls angry words laced with hurt, and Lily shoots contemptuous, protective glares, and Peter sits oddly quiet, not sure what to do about it all. James is mad for a time, mad that he's suddenly the peacekeeper, mad that Sirius has gone this far, mad that Snape is an ungrateful little twat who will never thank him for saving his miserable life.
But then he realises how quiet Sirius is. Sirius, who always defends himself, Sirius, who always has something witty to say, Sirius, who doesn't look guilty at all and instead just looks…blank.
So Remus shouts and Lily glares and Peter sits, and James watches. He watches as his best mate stares up at the ceiling, unblinking, never sleeping. He watches as Sirius puts food on his plate that he never eats. He watches as professors turn, once so easily charmed by Sirius, turn cold and begin to ignore him. And he watches how no one else watches, no one else sees. Not Dumbledore, who ought to see everything, or Lily, who takes care of everyone, or Remus, who used to be the observant one.
More importantly, most importantly of all, he watches as the owls fly in without letters. It has always been this way for Sirius, who had no one at home who would ever care to write to him, but it's different now, because now there's not even a home. Not really. He has a room at the Potter's, thanks to a heap of curses that finally drove him away from his house of horrors (and bought him a three-day stay at St. Mungo's), but it isn't really a home. And where there ought to be parental discipline and outrage on account of his atrocious lack of judgment, there is silence. James knows his parents would be here in a heartbeat, but he's the only one who really knows about Sirius running away, and how can he write his parents and ask them to come yell at Sirius to prove that someone cares about him?
It's all so muddled and confused, and for once in his life, James doesn't look at Lily with longing because she's so beautiful, but because he knows she can help and knows that he can't ask. So he does the only thing he knows to do, and he tries to make Sirius laugh. Remus, to his credit, doesn't not seem put out by the lack of attention, but neither does he help, or even seem to care that something is happening.
And as the days pass by without sleep, without food, the laughter dwindles and the fire dies. And that's when fear begins, vague and indistinct but ever-present and ever-gnawing. James can't put into words what he's afraid of, except he knows it's about Sirius, or perhaps more accurately, it's about a lack of Sirius. Because James Potter is not entirely whole without Sirius Black. He knows that, even if it's a bit odd for him to think and not entirely masculine and far more emotional than he cares to admit. Sirius has been his best mate since they were eleven-years old, and he likes his other friends, stands up for them, enjoys their company, and knows he would undoubtedly lay down his life for them, but Sirius is part of him. Not as he hopes Lily might be someday, and not as his parents are, but as a friend who knows his soul and ought to always be there.
In the end, it is Lily who finally forces him to define the fear. It is the first ungraceful thing she has ever done (in his presence, anyway), and later, he will love her all the more for it. She is all bluster and self-righteous anger as she bellows, her lovely voice surprisingly loud and fierce as she rails against him and the betrayal she is accusing him of. Because, after all, how dare he choose Sirius over Remus? How dare he stand beside Sirius when it was Remus who could have been expelled or killed and Remus whose secret is in the hands of someone who wishes to use it against him? (He is too busy defending himself to realise this is a small victory in his war against Severus Snape.) How dare he forgive Sirius so easily and ignore the way Remus is obviously suffering?
"Because I'm afraid he's going to die!" he finally shouts at her, tired of her accusations, tired of no one understanding, tired of everyone pretending Sirius is all right and deserves it even if he's not. She immediately hushes, her mouth snapping comically closed, but he doesn't notice as he realises that yes, deep down, this is truly what he is afraid of. "I'm afraid," he repeats, "that Sirius is going to kill himself and it's going to be my fault because I don't have a single bloody clue what to do about it."
She blinks at him owlishly, and they stand in opposition for a moment as though they may duel. But Lily, oh God, Lily, is so wonderful that she takes his hand and sits with him and listens as he finally confesses, somewhat guiltily, what has happened to Sirius and why he did that awful thing and how he never sleeps or eats and stays out of the dorm room, out of sight.
She comforts him, and she says Lily-type things, and she promises to help him keep an eye out, and then they go their separate ways. He's feeling guilty as he retreats, knowing Sirius will consider this a betrayal.
That night, when Lily grabs his arm and Lily pulls him from his half-hearted chess game, he realises how magical magic really is and how infinitely grateful he is for his big mouth that told those sacred secrets. As he finds his best mate – his brother – collapsed in a dark corridor with an empty vial next to him, he thanks Merlin and the stars and God that Lily shouted at him. As he holds down his struggling, belligerent friend while Lily forces a bezoar down his throat, he feels the very real terror that it is too late and watches as childhood passes away.
James Potter becomes an adult as Sirius Black weeps and Lily Evans soothes. He becomes an adult as he unashamedly holds his crying, shaking friend and promises it will be all right. He becomes an adult as he eases his mate's head into his lap right there in front of Lily Evans, a girl he has always tried so very hard to impress. And he realises he is all grown up when he realises he doesn't care what she thinks of him, only that Sirius is going to be okay and he almost wasn't.
Later, when Sirius is finally, finally sleeping in his bed and James meet Lily in the Common Room, he lets himself cry on her shoulder and does not hate himself for it. Truthfully, he doesn't know why he is crying, but he has a feeling it's not just about how close he came to losing Sirius. It seems more like the beginning of something new a frightening, the beginning of a world where he has to worry about things like friends being killed and friends taking their own lives.
But then it's the beginning of something else, too, because there in the Common Room, Lily Evans kisses him for the first time. And he'll say nothing, because Grown Up James knows it isn't right, not yet, but he also knows it will be soon. That night is the first of many nights that he lays awake and listens to Sirius breathe because he know he will never, ever tell a soul what happened. Yesterday, James believed in a certain order and a fairness to things, despite a great deal of evidence to the contrary, and today, James finally knows that the world is ugly and cruel to some people. It will be his job to watch out for Sirius, to make sure he doesn't break, because no one else will.
Later, he will join the Order because he knows these things now, knows that the world isn't right but it's worth fighting for anyway. And later, when his father dies and Lily is at his side for it all, he will silently be glad that he's no longer a child being asked to step into this role as the head of his family. And during the last days of his life, he watches Sirius again. He watches him pull funny faces for Harry, and he watches as Lily laughs at them both, and he once more thanks the stars Sirius still breathes.
James Potter grows up when he is sixteen. At twenty-one, he dies a man.