Okay, so I'm joining the Hot Topic Krew spin-off bandwagon and I am happy to be here. I hope my mother is proud as well as the original HTK author.
Shrek was minding his good ol' ogre business in the bathroom and someone knocked on the door. "Shrek, can you hurry up in there?" a voice kindly asked.
"Yeah, just a shrekcond! I need to hurry up and let everything out at the start of the series so we can go a few chapters without ogreused and frequent bathroom jokes or gas humor. Because what are we, 12?" Shrek kidded. He finished up his business and flushed. He stood on the scale next to the toilet. "Nice! An entire five pounds less than before I got on here!"
"Shrek! Please, you can weigh yourself later!" the voice pleaded. The person was about to go from pleading to peeing.
"Okay, okay! I'm on my way out!" the ogre responded. He opened the bathroom door and passed by Elsa. She gave him a loving look. Elsa was Shrek's girlfriend and I can't believe I'm writing this.
"Thanks Shrek," Elsa said as she gave him a kiss and what the HELL am I writing.
Anyway, Shrek walked by the living room. Pichu and Magolor were playing a game of chess like nerds in the corner. They were nerds. Dr. Mario was glued to the TV, watching his favorite show of all time, Sakurai's Nintendo Fanfiction. Dr. Mario had an unhealthy obsession with the show, an seemed to never react to it. He just sat there and stared at it when it was on. Then there was Chad Kroger, who played guitar in his room all day. Metal Face just sat deactivated in the corner all day because he was basically a robot that Yoshi had enhanced for the League of Super Evil. Metal Face had everything related to Terminator saved in his system files, included every movie in the franchise pirated onto him. Hell, he even had various Terminator arcade games pirated onto him. Meanwhile, Tingle was coloring in coloring books, Nui was being... Nui, I guess, and Phosphora was just listening to her pop CDs with her volume up way too loud.
Shrek plopped down at the Table of Evil, a table where everyone gathered up to plan their evil deeds. He pressed a button and everyone migrated over to the table. "What shall we do today?" Shrek wondered.
"Something evil!" Pichu suggested.
"Well duh, you stupid little rat," Phosphora groaned.
"What else would we do?" Chad retorted.
"God why are you so worthless?" Nui asked.
"Guys, guys! Calm down, he was just trying to give input!" Magolor said.
"Shut up Magolor!" yelled everybody else, including Pichu.
"We need to do something big to show how truly evil we are," Dr. Mario begun. Shrek was glad to hear Dr. Mario striking up the conversation, because he always had the best plans. "How about we do something so diabolical and unthinkable everyone will fear us when they hear our names?"
"Ooh, do go on," Elsa said excitedly.
"Let's go destroy President Lincoln," Dr. Mario said. Everyone was flabbergasted. It was so evil, so perfect. They had to do it!
Everyone geared up. Shrek got his trusty Onionblade, made of the strongest onions, almost thicker than a diamond! Elsa was charging up her ice powers, Nui was wielding her stolen scissor sword she stole from some girl named Ryuko, Phosphora was charging her electricity, Dr. Mario had his evil pills ready, Pichu was copying Phosphora, Chad was getting ready to use his weaponized guitar, Metal Face had his robot weapons and shit, Magaolor ran off away from the group when nobody was looking and went to the park crying, and Tingle was geting tingly.
So the gang departed and they arriveda at the statue of President Lincoln. Mega Man and Pit were there, making out relentlessly.
"Shit, that freeaboo Pit is here," Shrek observed. "Let's wait until they leave."
And then they were there for hours. It turned out Pit and Mega Man were going to camp out there in sleeping bags. The League decided to camp out somewhere nearby but out of site in their own sleeping bags. Shrek plopped a Nickelback CD into his CD player. He loved Nickelback. Elsa, however, did not.
"Turn that shit down!" Elsa whisper-yelled at Shrek as he listened to Something in Your Mouth. "Pretty little lady with a pretty pink thong every sugar daddy hitting on her all night long," the lead singer sang. Chad Kroger was keeping his distance. He always seemed weirded out when Shrek listened to Nickelback... like he was keeping a big secret from them, but that'll be discussed in another chapter.
Meanwhile Magolor was at the park crying. "Why do they hate me?" he wailed. "Is it because I'm fat?"
There was a rumble from a bush nearby, followed by munching sounds. Magolor was startled, but his stupidly friendly side made him walk forth. Yes, he may have tried to destory the world, but after being hated so much he became shy and felt so worthless he became very kindhearted somehow. He tapped on the bush and a fat face covered with chocolate lifted up.
"You can't have my candy!" the voice shouted. Magolor was startled.
"I don't want your candy, I promise!" Magolor said. The person then looked less angry.
"Oh, okay. Well nice to meet you," the person said. "I'm Gaius and I got fat from eating candy."
"I'm Magolor and I got fat from stress-eating after everyone hated me for almost destroying the world," Magolor greeted.
Gaius smiled at him. "Well, in that case if you're a fellow candy-fanatic I can share with you," he said as he gave him a Twix.
Magolor loved Twix. They were his favorite. "Wow, these are my favorite," he said because they were his favorite.
"They're mine too! Guess that makes us best friends," Gaius said. "You should join me and my friend."
"Your friend?" Magolor said confused. Then he realized another fat person was there. It was Kellam from Fire Emblem: Awakening. Wait, who?
"Yeah, he's another fat person who likes Twix too. People don't make fun of him, because they don't even know him," Gaius explained.
"Wow, you guys seem cool! We should be a group, you know? We're all kind of similar and I hate my old group..." Magolor spoke up.
"We should be the Beautiful Underappreciated Tubby Trio. BUTT for short," Gaius suggested.
"Yeah, I think I like that name," Magolor said.
So The League was camping out. They had all fallen asleep while waiting for Pit and Mega Man to go to bed. Sadly, Pit and Mega Man stayed up all night playing a game of Monopoly: White House edition. Pit played as Lincoln as his kind boyfriend Mega Man let him, and Mega Man played as Obama who he got with the Obama DLC pack.
The League woke up early in the morning, with Mega Man and Pit staring them down. "Sup guys?" Mega Man said.
"Oh... we were just uh, sitting out here and trying to uh, have a good presidential time!" Phosphora said.
"Yeah, we were trying to get educated on our founding fathers and all that. We're really big fans," Pichu said.
"Oh my God! You should totally join us on our week long campout date!" Pit said.
GOD. NO. "Not all week, hell no, no way," Shrek thought to himself.
"Well actually," Elsa mumbled. "We have to get home right now. Dr. Mario is going to miss his show and he hasn't missed an episode ever since it aired."
"Oh really? What show?" Pit asked.
"Sakurai's Nintendo Fanfiction. That one show that one time passed The Walking Dead in ratings," Shrek explained.
"Ooh! I love that show!" Pit said. "I can't believe so many characters on that show are blatant rip-offs of us though. Heck, some even share the same names."
"Yeah well haha, we'd better get home now or else Dr. Mario will be upset. Come on, gang," Shrek said. Pit and Mega Man waved as they left and returned home.
"So what's the new plan?" Phosphora asked in a bored voice.
"We're not going back. It's not worth it," Shrek said. "Instead, we're going back in time. We're going to erase Lincoln from existence."
That night, as Shrek and Elsa went to bed, Shrek couldn't fall asleep. Over the past few days his past started to bother him. "Oh Shadow, as happy as I may be now, I still miss thou..."
NEXT EPISODE: Will Shrek and co be able to take down the heroic President Lincoln? THE REAL ONE? Or will they instead find some weird ancient civilizations that worship Shrek and Elsa as opposing religions? Probably the latter. Also, will the BUTT do anything relevant? Probably not.