Disclaimer: I don't own Fairy Tail or any of the characters.
Rogue sat in the corner of the small dark bathroom with the shower running on the other side of him. He didn't even turn a light on, letting the shadows overlapping his figure like a blanket. Some would call it home, or comfort, that's how he saw it they'd say. However, Rogue saw it as a twisted punishment from his childhood. A life with the shadows: a life forever in the darkness.
He was fading, losing himself in that darkness he couldn't escape from, he was crying without holding it back. He was telling himself, no, but he at the same time; telling himself yes. He felt like the world's shadows would always have an uneasiness to them, the alleyways that scare everyone because of their dark and closed off. It was kind of symbolic, he was a mage of shadows, but his heart was closed off to everyone on the outside, to the only light in his life.
Rogue was many things, a wizard of Sabertooth, a Dragon Slayer, third generation as some would say, a friend, a guildmate, a brother, and a boyfriend, but what people never thought of, was that he was a murderer. A cold-hearted killer who took the life of his father when he was a kid. Even though he was ordered to do so, Rogue could have kept saying no it was a choice he made. Rogue was many things. However, he never could see the good in himself.
He could end it all, the guilt and pain. Would anybody even miss him? The earth would keep spinning without him. Everyone would continue their lives without him. So what was the point? In years to come what's the point in anything if nobody was going to remember him? In years to come, the sun will destroy the Earth. What's the point of feeling pain if it wasn't going to matter? Why was he suffering without a good reason?
Why did he get up every day and hide everything about himself? His emotions, opinions, and worries? So nobody hated him as much as he hated himself. Even then, he just felt alone. There was no explanation that he could ever think of, and if there was no explanation, then he was correct. There wasn't a reason for him to be enduring this constant torture, to drag his feet without anybody noticing.
However, he still stood up and hid the pills once again like he did every night while he had the same thoughts over and over. He was alone: a broken soul wandering around like a lost puppy, looking for a reason to stay alive, and when he didn't have one he made one up. He'd dry his tears, turn off the shower and walk out as if nothing happened and he had just taken a shower, and continued to live this fake life.
He would yell at Sting for doing something stupid: then he'd read until everyone fell asleep. After that, he'd turn onto his side, and cry himself to sleep because he just wanted things to go back to how they were before Jiemma when this whole mess started. That night had been no exception. Then he would wake up before everyone else. He'd lay there and hope for a change in this endless cycle of lost emotions and half-truths.
He wanted to feel something, anything. He didn't care what it was as long as he wasn't empty anymore. He'd practically beg for the day where he could laugh, and it would mean something. The day where his smile would be a real smile, and he didn't have to lie about being okay.
Then he'd pull himself out of bed and get ready for the day, a day of new opportunities, opportunities he'd never take. Sting would wake up as grouchy as ever. Then: after he thought everyone was ready he'd ask if they were.
Rogue would say yes, but he never really was. He was never ready for his guildmates to constantly pester him about being such a loner, even if they were all joking around. He'd brush it off and act like it didn't bother him although it slowly killed every once of security that he had, that there was some hope for him.
However, he would still say yes, and they'd go down to the Sabertooth Guildhall. When they got there, Sting would leave him to talk and to some of their friends while he'd sit down alone at a table to think.
It'd never get any easier when someone would approach him and say, "all by your self again Rogue? Don't you ever get lonely?" He'd shrug it off and say he wasn't.
In reality, it was the complete opposite.
He felt so alone when he knew he wasn't. He had friends, but he never seemed to reach out to them. He wanted someone there. He wanted someone to support him, to hold his hand and walk him through the dark shadows, to reassure his guilt, to tell him he had a purpose and that they would miss him. And they could do that!
That's what he wanted. That's what he needed! He needed someone to tell him to live, that they needed him to live and that they couldn't continue their life in the same way without him.
Maybe that's why at that moment he stopped. It was then he realized that he would always consider suicide because he couldn't find another way out.
Suicide.
He never even thought about it. He never took into consideration that he needed help but was hiding his problems away. He was wishing his life away and didn't even let himself live it.
Maybe that was why at that moment when somebody started to approach him the air in the room left. He knew that if anyone said anything like that to him one more time he wasn't going to make it through the night. He'd be dead the moment he went into the bathroom. He wouldn't have even turned on the shower he'd just be gone.
It was then he realized he didn't want to die, not yet. He wanted to see the day where he'd laugh, smile, or even be able to feel an attraction on a date with Sting. It had been so long since he had felt any emotion that he'd forgotten what the true meaning of it was. Maybe that was why he couldn't breathe. Perhaps that was why tears began to fall from his eyes. He had been longing death for so long, a way to just peacefully fade in a way where nobody would care. Because deep down Rogue knew people cared for him, that he was loved by everyone but himself, that he wouldn't just be killing himself but a part of someone else.
Rogue was blinded by self-hatred that it had stopped him from realizing what was going on the whole time. However, now that he knew it he wasn't going to remember it because he sat like a deer in the headlights waiting for Rufus to say something about him being alone. Then he'd lock himself away and take the pills before anyone had even realized something was wrong.
Why he didn't get up and leave was anybody's guess. He just waited, praying that nobody would say anything to him so he could live to see another day. The day where he could smile, laugh, and maybe even love. It had been `so long since he had felt a type of emotion and now that was all he wanted. So why didn't he move? Why didn't escape his inevitable fate?
He didn't move because he didn't realize he was crying. He didn't notice that his head was in his hands and he was sobbing in the middle of the Guildhall. He didn't notice everyone stop to look at him. He didn't see any of this until someone placed a hand on his shoulder.
"Hey," Sting said gently. "What's wrong?"
Rogue looked up from his hands and glanced over his shoulder to see tears glazing over his eyes. Nobody ever saw Rogue cry. Most people thought he had a lot of mental strength. He looked back to his hands and continued to cry, partly in shame. How was he supposed to tell him? He didn't think he could talk to him without breaking down. Sting sat next to him, and he knew he was going to cave.
"Rogue, talk to me."
"I-I'm just tired of it," he said resting his head on his shoulder. Then he held onto his arm as if he was afraid he would leave. "I'm tired of constantly feeling like I don't matter. I don't want to keep telling myself there's no reason for me to be here and that nobody would care if I wasn't here. I want to be able to tell you guys the truth when you ask me how I am instead of lying to you, and myself! I don't want to keep dwelling on Skiadrum I want to move on! I want to feel something again, and not this constant feeling that everything I do won't matter, and that nothing I do is going to change that! I keep feeling that I should die for that reason! I'm just sick of feeling alone when I know I'm not! No matter how many times I try to tell myself, I can never get it through to myself! I just- it makes me feel like a burden!" Rogue cried. He was aware that people were watching them, but he didn't care.
"Listen to me," Sting said turning his head to look him in the eye now crying along with a few other members of the guild. Rufus and Ogra just stood in shock, while Yukino was crying with Minerva. However, you couldn't tell she was because they were just silent tears rolling down her cheeks, because although she never acted like it, Rogue was one of her best friends. "You are never alone! I am here, Frosch is here, everyone in this room is here for you! Nobody here would ever think of you as a burden because you do so much for the guild! I wish I could take these thoughts away from you but I can't I'm sorry, Rogue!" Sting cried. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I don't know!" he choked out and Sting wrapped his arms around him and helped him stand up, he looked over his shoulder and asked Minerva to take over for him. So they went home, sat down, cried and talked it out until they couldn't cry anymore until they just laid down and went to sleep.
It was that night things changed, and it was the next day that he'd finally be truthful about his answer when people asked him how he was. Rather than saying he was fine, he would say he was doing better. He started looking forward to the future and what it held, although some of those thoughts still hadn't gone away. He looked forward to good times with his friends, the ability to carry out Skiadrum's legacy, the ability to see the light as he slowly made his way out of the shadows that he had put himself in.
Sting walked over to him, rested his head on his and wrapped his arms around his waist. "You can get through this, I know you can," he whispered lightly kissing the top of he head. Rogue rested his head on his shoulder and smiled a genuine smile. Then he closed his eyes and nodded.
"I just can't do it without you guys."
"You're never without us, Rogue," Minerva said. Rogue nodded.
"Yeah," he said. "I'm not alone."