Disclaimer: I do not own Rent, only the story line
I'm Not Like the Rest
"Umm… Yeah. Can I get a pasta with meatless balls?" I asked the waitress. She nodded with a smile as she scribbled my order down on a pad of pink paper.
"Vegetarian?" she asked me.
"Yeah," I said. She was loudly chomping on bubble gum, and it was annoying me. "Are you?" I asked her.
"Vegan actually," she smiled, flipping her long, blonde ponytail in the process.
I smiled. It wasn't often I came across a non-meat eater in the East Village. "How long?" I asked.
She pulled out the chair next to me and sat down. "Almost 3 years. Since I started working here, actually. The way restaurants cook meat isn't nearly as healthy as it looks," she said.
"Oh I know all about that," I said. "I worked as an assistant chef for a while, before college." I looked the girl over, she couldn't have been over 20. "Are you in school still?" I asked.
"Yeah, NYU actually. I'm majoring in creative writing and biology," she responded.
"Oh really? That's too bad, I teach at NYU. Computer Age Philosophy though."
"Cool. Well Professor," she shook my hand and stood up, "it was nice meeting you. I'll be right back with your food."
"Oh wait," I grabbed her wrist. "Can I also get a seafood salad?"
"Yeah sure. You know that has meat in it though, right?" she asked me.
"Yeah, it's for my girlfriend," I said.
"Oh, so you are straight," she winked at me and walked back towards the kitchen.
I was about to correct her when Angel came walking in. She was out of drag, in her red winter jacket. But when I looked closer, I noticed the sparkles on her blue jeans. "Hey honey," she sat down in front of me. "Did you already order?"
I nodded. I loved our little Tuesday lunch dates. I didn't have any afternoon classes, so Angel and I always met up at the Life Café for lunch. A different waiter came bringing our food.
"Aww… you always know exactly what I need, thanks babe," Angel smiled at me.
"Well I figured since you were out drumming you'd be hungry," I shrugged. "It's simple really."
Angel looked at me with those dark, beautiful eyes of hers. "You're perfect," she said.
"No, you're perfect," I looked back at her, "I love you Angelcake."
"I love you too," she said back.
I pulled her into a soft kiss. I loved the feel of her lipstick free lips. Then she tilted her head, allowing me to deepen the kiss. Then I felt a cold, sharp slap on the side of my cheek. I looked up. It was the waitress girl, and she looked mad.
"I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I THOUGHT YOU WERE A NICE GUY, BUT HERE YOU ARE! CHEATING ON YOUR GIRLFRIEND! AND WITH ANOTHER MAN?! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE CHEATING!" She turned to Angel, "I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE, BUT YOU RESERVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW THAT THIS MAN IS A TWO-TIMER!"
Angel looked at me. God, I never wanted to see that look in her eyes again. Tears started to roll down her cheeks. "Collins," she said, her voice cracking, "I can't… Why? Did you not love me?"
I started to explain, but she just ran out the door. I glared at the waitress before running out after Angel. "ANGEL!" I yelled, but she was already out of sight. I ran up and down streets calling her name before I collapsed crying on a bench. I don't know how long I was there, balling my eyes out. Then I heard a voice.
"Collins? Collins man, what happened to you?" Roger put a hand on my shoulder, then he sat down next to me. "Did something happen with Angel? 'Cause Mimi's over at your place, she told me Angel's been crying for hours."
"Oh Angel," I said to myself before my eyes started to water again. I explained the whole thing to Roger, then we walked back towards the loft.
"She's never going to forgive me. I just lost the love of my life because of some stupid waitress," I started crying again.
Roger grabbed hold of my shoulders and shook me. "Get a grip man! Angel loves you with all her heart! Of course she's going to understand! She knows you'd never cheat on her!"
"I hope so…" I thought to myself. As we approached Angel's apartment, I was struck by fear. "What if she found someone new already?" I thought. "What if she thinks I'm lying? What am I going to do?"
"Wait, Collins," Roger grabbed my arm and pointed towards a flower shop. "Do you know her favorite flower?"
"White roses," I crossed the street. "You're smarter than you look Davis," I said, making Roger smile. After I purchased a bouquet, I saw Mimi walking towards me. She came up and hugged Roger, then she turned to me and punched me in the face.
"OW! What was that for?" I asked, before I realized what I had said.
She got this mortified look in her eyes before slapping me. "Collins!"
"Oh right," I said. "I should explain," I cringed. Mimi was getting a fist ready.
"You think?!" she said with an obvious look on her face. So I then proceeded to tell her the whole story, and she surprisingly believed me.
"But…" I continued, "What if Angel won't take me back? What if that waitress totally screwed this up and Angel doesn't forgive me?"
Mimi laughed, "Come on Collins!" she shoved my shoulder. "Angel loves you more than anything. Of course she'll forgive you. Now let's go back up, she's been crying for hours."
The three of us then went up to the loft. But when we got there, Angel was nowhere to be seen. Then Roger spotted a note on the couch. It had "Collins" written in cursive on the front.
"No…" I dropped the flowers on the ground and ran to the couch to open the letter. Once they saw the look on my face Mimi flung herself into Roger's arms. Roger knew this scene all too well.
Collins,
If you're reading this, it means I have decided to go through with this. I'm so sorry baby, I really did love you with all of my heart. Maybe you think you can explain yourself, but it doesn't matter. This opened me up to an issue I have been too afraid to discuss. I really thought you loved me, but then again, I also thought David loved me. And Michael. And Jason. It's proven I'm not the best judge of character. You were right, I see good in everyone, even if it isn't really there. I sent Mimi out to get coffee, please don't let her be the first to find me. I hope you come back for me, but you might not. I know that now. Be good to your girlfriend, you deserve a real woman. I'm sorry I couldn't forgive you, maybe others have.
But I'm not like the rest. I love you Collins, or I did. ~Angel
As I finished reading the letter, my legs gave out. I fell to my knees, sobbing. I've never felt like this. I was sad, heartbroken, morose, but I was so mad at myself. God, why?! Why my Angel!? But I knew why. It was because of me. Because I didn't run out that door fast enough. I didn't fight for her like I should have. Mimi sat down and cried next to me, putting her hands on my head. But I didn't feel her. I couldn't feel anything anymore. No emotion, nothing physical. I just wanted to die. I needed to just, die. My Angel was gone. I didn't believe it. No! It couldn't be true. I drove her, her full of life and confidence, I drove her off the edge. I didn't notice Roger run into the bathroom. I didn't notice him screaming. I didn't hear his wails. I didn't hear him screaming at the 911 operator. I didn't see when he picked up Angel's lifeless body and attempted mouth to mouth.
"APRIL! APRIL! PLEASE NO! APRIL DON'T DO THIS! NO APRIL! I LOVE YOU APRIL! DON'T TAKE HER AWAY FROM US TOO! APRIL SAVE HER! SAVE ANGEL! COLLINS NEEDS HER! APRIL! APRIL PLEASE!" Roger roared at the ceiling as he shook Angel.
The loft door slid open. "Hey guys, whats-" Mark stopped dead in his tracks and dropped his camera. "ANGEL! OMIGOD! ROGER! COLLINS! MIMI WHAT! ANGEL NOOOO! NOT ANGEL!" Mark ran to Roger and almost touched Angel when Mimi grabbed him from behind and restrained him.
"YOU CAN'T TOUCH HER MARK! YOU CAN'T TOUCH HER! MARK SHE'S COVERED IN BLOOD! MARK SHE HAD AIDS! MARK NO!" Mark started balling and screaming at Mimi to shut up. I was still sitting on the floor, crying in despair.
I didn't even get up when Roger carried my Angel out the door. I just sat there. I cried for a while. Then I just stayed, doing nothing. Feeling nothing. I don't know how long it had been, hours maybe, when I heard Roger's voice coming out of the phone. He sounded a lot calmer.
"Collins. Collins man you need to come to the hospital. She's not dead, or not yet. God Collins! Get yourself down here. She lost so much blood…." Roger started talking faster, his tone getting angrier. "She probably doesn't have long. She wants to see you Collins. If you don't get down here, I'll never forgive you. Angel wants to say goodbye. At least come and tell her you love her. What I wouldn't give to have been able to say one last thing to April. Come on Collins. Please." Roger hung up the phone.
But I was already out the door. I couldn't waste any more time, so I hailed a taxi. Even though I could barely pay for it, Angel could be dead by the time I got there if I had taken the subway. I ran into the hospital like a mad person. Well, I was mad. Mad at myself. Roger had already told me which room she was in, so I dashed down the hallway and burst through the door.
Nothing could have ever prepared me for what I was seeing. Her arms, her pretty arms, were wrapped tightly in white gauze, with IV needles poking into her veins. She was on a heart monitor, which was beeping in fast, irregular beeps. She was ghostly pale, all of the color had gone out of her cheeks. Her eyelids were a dark purple, like she hadn't slept in a year. She looked so hollow, so empty. I ran to her side and grabbed her hand. She winced and pulled away from me. Her hands were so pale, like she was already dead.
"Angel…" I started, but then I broke down. I just let the tears fall, and fall they did.
"Collins honey…" I heard her say. I looked down at her. Her eyes were faded. They were almost gray, gone was the dark, loving, shade of brown. The sparkle in her eyes was gone. But I still saw love in her eyes, love for me. I knew I didn't have to say anything, I knew she had forgiven me.
"Baby I'm so sorry," she whispered. "I know you didn't do anything, Mimi told me. I'm so sorry Collins… I never thought that actually would…"
I ran my hand over her jaw, shushing her. "It's okay. Because you're going to be okay. I promise my Angel. We're gonna make sure you're okay… I love you," I said.
"I love you too Collins…" then she started coughing, and pretty soon the cough took over and she couldn't breathe anymore. The heart monitor started pulsing faster, so I stuck my head out the door and shouted for a nurse. Soon a doctor and three nurses ran into her room, pushing me out. They locked the door behind them, leaving me to just watch my Angel though the window. My dying Angel. I slid down the door and fell to my knees again, sobbing.
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"Tom Collins?"
I poked my head above my book. "Yes?"
"It's Angel. She's stable, slowly recovering, if you want to go see her you can." I could have kissed that nurse. Angel had been under in critical care for around two days, which meant I couldn't see her. I tried to suppress my excitement as I followed the nurse down the hallway. She opened the door to Angel's room, revealing her.
Angel looked worse than she ever had. Her face wasn't pale, it was white. And not like, Mark Cohen white, I mean like Ghost of Christmas Past white. Her cheeks were hollow, and she was so thin. I could see her rib cage poking out from under her hospital gown. I wanted to cry, seeing her like this was too much. But at least I could see her. The bags under her eyes made it look like someone had punched her. Her dark eyes, now gray, were bloodshot to match the flaming red color of her arms. I ran to her bedside, and pulled up a chair to sit next to her. I reached out and held her hand, which caused me to see the scars her forearms. They were so deep, and still dark red. I counted thirty-five on her right arm, and 23 on her left. The skin surrounding the scars was bright red and bruised.
I noticed she had woken up, and was watching me stare at her arms. Tears started filling my eyes. "All because of me?" I asked, still looking over her many scars. "Why would you hurt yourself so badly just because of me?"
"Because I love you. You're my everything, you know that, right? And when I thought that maybe you didn't love me… it was too much. I had to punish myself for loving you," Angel whispered, her voice hoarse.
I felt like my heart was breaking. "I want you to promise me Angel," I said, my voice still cracking from crying, "that if I ever do something stupid, or hurt you in anyway, I want you to promise me you'll never hurt yourself again. Okay Angel? Promise me Angel…." I pleaded.
"I promise," she said with love in her eyes. "Collins? There's a therapist coming in to see me soon, to see if I'm- to see if I'm okay mentally."
I nodded. "Would you stay with me?" she asked.
"Of course my Angel," I replied. Just then a young woman with glasses and a green sweater came in.
"Angel?" she asked.
"In person," Angel replied. The nurse laughed.
"Okay Angel, I'm just going to start with some questions," the girl flipped a page up from her clip board and pulled out the pen from behind her ear. "In 10 words or less, why did you attempt suicide?"
"Because I thought Collins didn't love me anymore," Angel smiled. "But it's okay now, I know it was just a misunderstanding.
"Okay, good. So Collins must mean a lot to you then," the young woman said.
"Yes, he's my soulmate. I thought he was cheating on me… I guess I just… I couldn't handle it," I looked into my Angel's eyes. I can't believe she almost died, because of me.
"There's no need to be embarrassed Angel. I understand. So was Collins the first man you've loved?" the nurse asked.
"No… there have been others, but they all eventually turned out to be unfaithful," Angel stated.
"Okay, thank you for sharing that with me. Have you attempted suicide before?" the nurse asked.
"Yes," Angel nodded. "Six times." I dropped Angel's hand like I had been burned.
"Angel? What?" I couldn't believe this amazing creature in front of me had tried to kill herself six time.
Angel sighed, "It was in highschool. Twice before I decided to come out of the closet, I was ashamed of being gay, you see."
The woman scribbled something down on her pad of paper. Angel continued, "Another after I came out of the closet. And then there was the time I found out I had AIDS, though I didn't really go all the way through with it, my friend stopped me. And once more from when I was with my ex, David. He was abusive." And that's all she said. I was shocked. I wondered why Angel had never talked to me about any of this. My poor Angel.
"Okay honey," the therapist looked up. "I don't think you're a crazy person. I mean, all the reasons you gave me are common. But you have to know, nothing, absolutely nothing, is worth taking your own life." Angel nodded.
"I know," she said. "I go to a Life Support group now, for AIDS. They've helped me through a lot."
"A life support?" the nurse smiled. "That's very good Angel. I'm not going to put you on any medication, but I am going to give you my phone number. I want you to call me whenever, and I mean every time, you get any suicidal thoughts. It doesn't matter how silly the reason is, I want you to call me. Okay?" the woman asked.
"Okay, thank you," Angel nodded as the therapist left the room.
"Six times Angel?"
She looked away from me. So I gently turned her jaw so she was facing me again. I noticed she was crying. "Angel…." I said, letting her sob into my shoulder. "I'm so sorry honey, I love you so much, you know that right?" I asked her.
She nodded, wiping the tears from her eyes. "No I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Collins, I should have let you explain…. I'm sorry for scaring you..." Angel looked at me.
"It's okay honey… I understand. I really do," then I rolled up my sleeve to reveal five little scars on my wrist.
"Collins honey," Angel held my hand and observed my wrists.
"It made me feel better, got rid of the pain for a little while. I hated myself Angel. Until I met you," I held her wrist. "And to think that I could have messed you up, I could have killed you, just kills me inside." I was tearing up, then I started sobbing into her hands.
"Collins, listen to me. You didn't do anything wrong, it was all my fault. Can we just forget about it?" Angel asked.
I nodded, wiping the tears off her face. "I love you Angel, with all my heart. I really do," I told her.
She smiled slightly before replying, "I love you too, Collins. I always will."