On Broken Wings

I have heard a old saying that, when one rises on the wings of one's father, to reach goals far beyond one's father's successes, one has truly honored one's family. Well, now that I write this memoir, I have to say that perhaps there's no honor left for me to reach.

Only ten years after the confederation of heroes engaged that pig Dong Zhuo, my father lost everything at Guandu. It is said that father was a fool, that he had no sense of tactics, and, thus, his incompetence led to such a bitter defeat. Among what forces we have left, I hear the uneasy groans of worry. Thanks to my brother Yuan Shang's recent defeat at Ye, our soldiers are complaining over the imminent destruction of our once great 'empire' of sorts.

Some of the bookish scholars who once traveled with us asked me: "Why didn't you take arms and turn against your brothers? Clearly, they are fools. Tan broke ties with Shang and led to our already meager forces being divided further, and he was even shameless enough to surrender to our sworn enemy, Cao Cao. Shang greedily concentrated his power and thus made it impossible for any compromise to be reached between himself and Tan. You clearly are more prudent than they, for you have not shown any sense of desire for power. Why don't you rise above your two foolish siblings and make the north glorious again?"

There are times I have pondered over this matter. Why didn't I take power into my own hands? Both of my brothers have done this, and both were able to have some power, albiet very little. So why didn't I?

Well, as we look into my family's history, it seems that there really was very little left for us to tear apart:

My father was a charismatic man. He wooed thousands of warriors and countless scholars by his side. By honorably resisting the despotic Dong Zhuo, my father was able to make a name for himself as a warrior fighting for the good of the Han. With heroes like Yan Liang and Wen Chou, and scholars like Tian Feng and Ju Shou, who or what could possibly stand in the way of the Yuan clan?

Our arrogance, for one, and father's impetuousness, for the other. We faced a mighty opponent in my father's old friend, Cao Cao. They were truly good friends, for after having spent so much time together in their childhoods, they would challenge each other to the death once they received power as adults.

To be honest, we did not expect Cao Cao's armies to be that strong. Based on the land mass and troop population of both our forces, it appeared that Mengde was greatly outnumbered. He might have had Xun Yu, Xun You, Jia Xu, and others, but we had Tian Feng, Ju Shou, and Shen Pei, and several other scholars. We clearly were not lacking in the strategical department.

Cao Cao had the Xiahou brothers and many warriors, yet we had Yan Liang, Wen Chou, Zhang He, and a variety of skilled commanders. Yes, he probably had some better fighters, but even they could not fight a horde of troops on their own.

Yet, with all of our strengths came our overwhelming pride. When Cao Cao gained the help of Guan Yu, we gained the help of Liu Bei and Zhang Fei. I've heard many stories of how Yan Liang was asked by Liu Bei not to harm Guan Yu, and therefore he was slain by the man with the great beard, but, setting all these rumors aside, the fact was that we were much too proud of ourselves to be prudent when fighting such a hero. With Wen Chou trying to avenge Yan Liang and getting slain, we should have known that fate was turning against us, but none of that sunk in.

Father was proud, and so were my brothers and I. We thought we would still overcome Cao Cao. After all, we outnumbered him, and our forces were fighting for the good of the Han. Any person with some sense of honor would stand beside us, for we were fighting to free the Emperor! Oh, how misguided we were!

Tian Feng had advised father not to march forward. As an afterthought, his advice was truly prudent. Tian Feng was worried that we would not be able to win, for Cao Cao was no fool, and his advisors would be able to find a weakness in our army. How ironic, father hired such a competent advisor, but failed to heed his advice. Because we ignored (and imprisoned) Tian Feng, we were doomed to failure. Ju Shou was captured, and was slain for not surrendering to Cao Cao. Poor man, he probably would have had better luck had he done so.

With the loss of Guandu, father could have pardoned Tian Feng, and hope may still be in the distance for us, after a string of defeats, of course, but no, father listened to the words of that scoundrel Peng Ji, and Tian Feng was slain. My, my, we Yuan brothers should have prepared ourselves for the coming storm, but my brothers were insistent on gaining power after father's death.

My father died with a broken heart. The ideals he had fought for: the restoration of Han authority, the destruction of the rebel and traitorous fiend Cao Cao, and the continued glory of the Yuan clan were all seized from him. He died with Yuan Shang eagerly taking his position. Shang was the youngest of us three brothers, and the eldest, Tan, was extremely angry at this, for he felt that, as he was the oldest, he deserved father's title.

And so, my stupid brothers quickly lunged at each other's throats. Tearing up what was left of our army into two pieces, my brothers fought for control of father's old territory. I decided to sit back and watch, but my station was within Shang's borders, so I was considered a vassal of my younger brother. Not that I cared, really, I just did not want to get involved. It was already a crisis for our forces to be divided into two pieces. If there were three pieces, our situation would be hopeless.

Not surprisingly, one brother triumphed over the other. Shang was greedy enough to take power, so why should I take it from his hands? Tan, meanwhile, took what was left of his force and surrendered to our sworn enemy, Cao Cao. Ironically, Cao Cao was my father's old friend. Had Cao been benevolent, father might have made us call him 'uncle.'

And so, brother Shang gathered what was left and declared war on Cao Cao. With more defeats, and the death of Shen Pei, I decided that we ought to retreat, and my brother hopelessly agreed.

It is difficult to say what will come next. There is a saying that: "As long as you live, there is a way." But when will our time for redemption come?! Our family has lost our glory, and now, as we flee into the waiting arms of Gongsun Du, I wonder what fate will bring us now. We were fools to have failed to listen to Tian Feng. We were fools to have not made certain that Yan Liang and Wen Chou survived before Guandu. We were our own worst enemies, and it pains me to know that my beloved wife is now a captive of the enemy.

So, reader, if this document survives, and Cao has not set fire to it, I hope you understand that, idiots though we were, we of the Yuan clan had a vision. A vision that we would cease the chaos and ensure that China would be strongly unified, albiet with the Yuan clan receiving credit for this endeavor. We were not some mere tyrants or greedy, pompous fools. We had a dream, and that dream was lost with a terrible mistake. Now that I sit here in this miserable tent, writing this document while our convoy is about to flee further north once more, I ask of thee to think about us, the pained souls of the past, and understand that not every defeated army is a mass of unimportant rascals...

Good day to thee, and may heaven be kind to your clan...