TITLE: "Meet the Grandparents"
FEEDBACK: ggfan@prodigy.net
DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to Amy Sherman-Palladino and the WB.
COMMENTS: Any feedback is appreciated.
STORY SUMMARY: Jess goes to Friday night dinner at Rory's grandparents, Lane and Rory have a talk about Jess, and Luke and Lorelai have a long-overdue discussion about their relationship.
***SPOILER WARNING*** I wrote the majority of this story a long time ago, but I recently read a spoiler about Luke that fit in with the storyline I had going with him, so I incorporated it into my story. You have been warned!
***************
TEASER
EXT. STARS HOLLOW
Lorelai and Rory are walking towards Luke's Diner.
LORELAI
Ugh. There's a gum wrapper on the sidewalk. I hate when people litter.
RORY
You could pick it up and throw it out.
LORELAI
Gross. I'll let Taylor take care of it. It really bugs me when people litter, though.
RORY
Me, too. Almost as much as when people use the word irregardless. I don't care if it's in the dictionary or not. It's not a real word.
LORELAI
Also, when people spell the words "to" and "for" as numbers. Except for Prince.
RORY
And the words "be" and "you" as one letter.
Rory and Lorelai enter the diner and sit down at the counter.
RORY (cont'd)
We should get Taylor to outlaw these things.
LORELAI
We should. Let's make a list. Do you have a pen and paper?
Rory pulls a pen and paper out of her bag and hands them to Lorelai. Lorelai writes a few things down.
RORY
Don't forget dog-earing library books.
LUKE comes over and pours Rory and Lorelai some coffee.
LUKE
Hey.
LORELAI
Hey.
RORY
Hi.
LUKE
What are you doing?
LORELAI
We're making a list of things that annoy us to get Taylor to outlaw them. So far, we've got litterbugs, dog-earing library books, the word irregardless, and spelling words as numbers. Care to add anything?
LUKE
No.
LORELAI
Why not?
LUKE
It's stupid.
Lorelai writes something on the list.
LUKE
You can't put me on the list.
LORELAI
I didn't. Besides, it's our list. We can put whatever we want on it.
LUKE
What'd you write?
LORELAI
Flannel shirts.
LUKE
What'd you write?
LORELAI
Nothing.
LUKE
Why don't you add people who say "Nothing" when you ask them what they're doing?
Lorelai looks at Rory. Rory nods in agreement.
RORY
That is annoying.
LORELAI
Traitor.
(to Luke)
If you must know, I wrote "killjoy."
LUKE
What? I'm a killjoy for not adding anything to your stupid list?
LORELAI
Yeah.
LUKE
Fine.
RORY
(to Lorelai)
Saying "fine" when you mean it's not fine.
LORELAI
We do that, too.
RORY
Good point. Scratch that.
LUKE
Why don't you add people that ask you to do stupid things and then give you grief when you don't play along.
LORELAI
I think you're missing the point of the list. This is not about things we do that annoy other people, it's about things other people do or say that annoy us.
LUKE
Of course... and I was this close to getting you to stop calling my toolbox Bert.
(beat)
Starting an insult with "Pardon my French."
LORELAI
Now you're talking. Let me write that one down.
RORY
I still hear the occasional "take a chill pill."
LORELAI
And enough with "Word" already.
LUKE
24-7.
LORELAI
WHAT-EVER.
RORY
Anyways.
LUKE
I don't care if I ever get back.
LORELAI
What?
LUKE
In Take Me Out to the Ballgame, a lot of people think the line is "I don't care if I ever get back." The line is "I don't care if I never get back." That's the point. You're at the game, enjoying yourself. You don't care if you never get back to where you came from. That drives me nuts.
RORY
That's going to bug me now, too. Add it to the list.
Lorelai writes more on the paper.
LUKE
I'm beginning to understand what makes Taylor tick and it scares me.
LORELAI
There is a fine line between listing your grievances and insanity. Let's keep the list between the three of us and secretly fine the people who break our laws.
RORY
Every few months, we'll buy imaginary presents with all the money we've made in penalties.
LUKE
Sounds like a plan.
Lorelai keeps writing and Rory drinks her coffee.
END OF TEASER
***************
ACT ONE
INT. LUKE'S DINER
Lorelai and Rory walk into the diner and sit down. Lorelai notices that Luke has shaved.
LORELAI
Hey, look at that.
RORY
What?
LORELAI
Luke.
RORY
What about Luke?
LORELAI
He shaved.
RORY
Oh, yeah.
LORELAI
Why would he do that?
RORY
I dunno.
Jess comes into the diner. Lorelai waves him over.
LORELAI
Hey, Jess.
JESS
Hey.
LORELAI
Have a seat.
Jess sits down.
LORELAI
How's school?
JESS
Fine.
LORELAI
Work?
JESS
Fine.
LORELAI
How come Luke shaved today?
JESS
What?
LORELAI
Luke. He's clean-shaven.
JESS
So what?
LORELAI
He never shaves. What gives?
JESS
Maybe he's seeing Nicole today.
RORY
Who's Nicole?
JESS
Taylor's lawyer.
LORELAI
Luke likes Taylor's lawyer?
JESS
Yes.
LORELAI
Likes in a friendly kind of way or a flirty kind of way?
JESS
I'd say more of a 9 1/2 Weeks kind of way.
LORELAI
They're dating?
JESS
Yep.
LORELAI
For how long?
JESS
A couple weeks, I guess.
LORELAI
A couple weeks? How could you keep this kind of information from us?
JESS
It's not my job to keep you informed of Luke's personal life.
LORELAI
Think of all the good lawyer jokes we've missed out on.
RORY
Luke and Nicole. Nicole and Luke. That goes together.
LORELAI
What do you know about her?
JESS
I don't know. If you're so interested in her, why don't you just ask Luke?
LORELAI
I'm not interested. I'm... curious.
JESS
Right.
Luke walks over to take their order.
LUKE
Hi.
LORELAI
Hey there, Romeo.
LUKE
Excuse me?
LORELAI
We heard you've got the hots for Taylor's lawyer.
LUKE
(to Jess)
You have a big mouth.
JESS
I didn't know it was a secret.
LUKE
It's not a secret.
LORELAI
Then why didn't you tell us?
LUKE
I didn't NOT tell you... I just didn't tell you. It's my personal business, key word being personal. Yes, we're dating. No big deal. Now, what do you want to eat?
LORELAI
Look at him blush. It's so cute.
RORY
So, you like 'em brainy, huh?
LUKE
Can we please drop this?
JESS
You should keep going out with her. We could use a lawyer in the family.
LUKE
With you around, that's probably true.
LORELAI
If you're a good boy, maybe she'll show you her legal briefs.
LUKE
Oh, my God.
JESS
That was your good lawyer joke?
LORELAI
It was the first one. Give it time. They'll get better.
RORY
What do you call a dozen lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
LORELAI
What?
RORY
A good start.
Lorelai makes the drum noise associated with a bad joke.
LUKE
There will be no more lawyer jokes. Now, either order or leave.
LORELAI
Burger and fries.
RORY
Same for me.
Luke walks away.
LORELAI
Luke with a lawyer. I can't picture it.
RORY
Who can you picture him with?
LORELAI
I don't picture him with anyone.
JESS
Why not?
LORELAI
(stammering)
I didn't mean that that he couldn't get a date. I know he's... I mean, I know there are women that would like to... it's just that... You know what? I left something in the car. I'm going to go get it.
RORY
We walked here.
LORELAI
Oh, right. We need some more napkins. I'll go get some.
Lorelai leaves the table and sits at the counter.
JESS
It's fun watching her squirm.
RORY
Isn't it?
Lorelai sits back down at the table. Kirk walks into the diner. A woman who is sitting at one of the tables quickly walks to the door to leave.
KIRK
(trying to talk to the woman)
Hey, I haven't heard from you-
WOMAN
Leave me alone, you freak.
The woman quickly walks by Kirk and exits.
LORELAI
Girl troubles?
KIRK
My mom told me that women like impulsive men, like in that commercial, so every day for a week I jumped out and gave her some flowers and now I'm a freak.
LORELAI
It was a nice thought, Kirk, but nowadays when a man you've never met before suddenly gives you flowers, that's considered stalking.
KIRK
Huh. Well, that explains it.
Kirk sits down at the counter.
RORY
Poor Kirk.
LORELAI
I know.
RORY
Why does he still live with his mother? With all the jobs he's had and how tight he is with his money, he should be able to afford his own place.
LORELAI
You're right. I'm going to talk to him.
Lorelai walks over and sits next to Kirk at the counter. Jess gets up and buses some dishes.
LORELAI
Hey, Kirk, have you ever thought about moving out of your mom's house?
KIRK
Why would we do that? It's already paid for.
LORELAI
I meant just you moving out, actually.
KIRK
Oh.
(beat)
I don't get it.
LORELAI
Maybe it's time to get your own place. You know, spread your wings a little.
KIRK
You think so?
LORELAI
Yes, I do. Aren't you ready for the freedom and independence that comes with living on your own?
KIRK
I don't know.
Jess is wiping off the counter, within earshot of Lorelai and Kirk.
LORELAI
You might have a little more luck with the ladies if you had your own bachelor pad.
KIRK
You think?
LORELAI
Absolutely.
KIRK
Luke has a bachelor pad and he doesn't have much luck with the ladies.
LORELAI
Yes, but you're forgetting that Luke has Jess living with him.
JESS
Oh, right. I'm so sure my moving in put a crimp in Luke's swinger lifestyle.
LORELAI
Go talk to Rory.
Jess goes and sits with Rory. Luke comes behind the counter.
KIRK
Luke, what do you think?
LUKE
About what?
KIRK
Do you think I should move-
LUKE
Yes.
KIRK
-out of my mom's house?
LUKE
Still yes.
LORELAI
You see?
KIRK
I have to admit, it does sound appealing. I could go to bed at whatever time I wanted and I could watch whatever I wanted on tv.
LUKE
There you go.
KIRK
Plus, my mom hasn't quite grasped the whole CatKirk, HumanKirk concept.
LORELAI
That wouldn't be an issue anymore.
KIRK
I wouldn't have those parental controls on my Internet access anymore.
LUKE
I'd keep those in place if I were you.
LORELAI
You know, Taylor owns some apartment buildings. If you decide to move, he'd be able to help find you a nice place.
KIRK
Thank you both. You've given me a lot to think about.
LORELAI
You're welcome.
Lorelai sits down with Rory and Jess. Luke walks up to take their order.
RORY
What did Kirk say?
LORELAI
He seemed interested in getting his own place. I think he's going to do it.
LUKE
Taylor as Kirk's landlord is a frightening thought, though.
LORELAI
You're right. I didn't think about that.
INT. RICHARD AND EMILY'S HOUSE - FRI. NIGHT
Emily, Lorelai, and Rory are sitting at the dining room table eating dinner.
EMILY
They're naming the baby Gigi? After that show with Sally Field in it?
LORELAI
That was Gidget, Mom.
EMILY
Just as bad. What kind of name is Gigi?
RORY
It's short for Georgia.
EMILY
Georgia?
LORELAI
They were kicking around Massachusetts for a while, but the nicknames weren't any good. Mass, chuse, setts... see, nothing works.
RORY
Plus, she'd be about 14 before she could spell her own name.
LORELAI
And she'd run out of boxes on those school test forms.
EMILY
Gigi. It sounds like a name of a topless dancer.
LORELAI
And how would you know that?
EMILY
So, Rory, any word from any colleges?
RORY
No, I haven't heard anything yet.
EMILY
The anticipation is dreadful, isn't it?
RORY
Yes, it is.
EMILY
I remember being so nervous after I applied to college... waiting on pins and needles for the mail to arrive.
RORY
I know what you mean. Do you mind if we change the subject?
EMILY
No, of course. I'm sorry, I don't mean to make you any more anxious.
RORY
That's okay.
LORELAI
That's all it takes to get you to change the subject? Ask?
(to Rory)
Why didn't I find this out years ago?
EMILY
So, tell me, how is Dean?
RORY
(cautious)
Dean's fine.
EMILY
What are his plans for next year?
RORY
I think he's going to junior college.
EMILY
What do you mean, you think?
RORY
Um...
LORELAI
She just meant that Dean hasn't decided what he's doing next year.
EMILY
(suspicious)
What's going on?
LORELAI
Nothing. Can we change the subject, please?
EMILY
No.
LORELAI
No fair. Rory got to change the subject.
EMILY
Too bad.
(to Rory)
What is going on?
RORY
Dean and I broke up.
EMILY
What? Why didn't you tell me?
RORY
I'm sorry. It's just a little hard to talk about. If it's okay, I'd rather not go into any details.
EMILY
I understand. I don't need to hear the details, but it would be nice to be kept in the loop every once in a while. Contrary to popular belief in this house, I am not the enemy.
RORY
I'm sorry I didn't say something sooner.
EMILY
And I'm sorry things didn't work out with Dean.
RORY
Thank you.
EMILY
It's probably for the best, though. At this stage in your life, you should be concentrating on enjoying your senior year of high school and spending as much time with your friends as possible. You certainly don't need the extra pressure of worrying about a boyfriend when you have so many other things going on, am I right?
LORELAI
When you're right, you're right.
EMILY
Finally. Something we can all agree on. Now, who would like some dessert?
Rory and Lorelai look relieved that Rory didn't have to tell Emily about Jess. Emily notices the looks.
EMILY
What?
RORY
What?
EMILY
You're hiding something from me. I can tell.
RORY
It's nothing.
EMILY
What's nothing?
RORY
Really, it's not a big deal.
LORELAI
No big deal at all. In fact, hardly worth mentioning.
EMILY
What is hardly worth mentioning?
LORELAI
Nothing. That's why it's not worth mentioning.
EMILY
Something is going on and I want to know what it is right now.
RORY
Well, I guess I do have some news.
EMILY
I knew it! You heard from Yale, didn't you?
RORY
No, I didn't hear from Yale.
EMILY
Harvard?
RORY
No. It has nothing to do with school. The news is... I'm dating Jess now.
EMILY
Jess?
RORY
Yes. He's Luke's nephew. You met him last year at-
EMILY
I know who Jess is. He's that boy that crashed your car and broke your arm.
RORY
It was an accident and it was only a fracture.
EMILY
Lorelai, how could you let this happen?
LORELAI
How could I let what happen?
EMILY
Jess! I thought you didn't like him.
LORELAI
Well, I-
EMILY
You said he was trouble, and now they're dating?
LORELAI
Yes, but-
EMILY
You need to put your foot down and put a stop to this right now, even if it means that you two won't be the best of friends for a while.
LORELAI
Stay out of this, Mom. It's none of your business.
EMILY
My granddaughter's well-being certainly is my business. If you think I'm going to sit back and watch Rory gallivant around-
LORELAI
First of all, Rory doesn't gallivant. Second of all, she is my daughter, not yours, so you have no say in this.
EMILY
You're just going to sit back and let her see whoever she wants and do whatever she wants?
LORELAI
And do whoever she wants.
EMILY
Don't be crude.
LORELAI
In fact, I think she's got the football team lined up next week.
RORY
Swim team, actually.
EMILY
Don't make light of this, Lorelai.
LORELAI
I'm not. I'm trying to be reasonable about it. You of all people should know that I can't stop them from seeing each other.
EMILY
Of course you can.
LORELAI
No, I can't. They like each other and will continue to see each other no matter what I say.
EMILY
Why don't you just pretend that you like him?
LORELAI
What?
EMILY
Whenever I like one of the men you date, that always seems to be the kiss of death for the relationship.
LORELAI
I'll keep that in mind.
EMILY
I can't believe you're just going to let her go out with that boy.
RORY
Let me? Grandma, I'm old enough to make my own decisions about who I date.
EMILY
Well, excuse me for worrying about your well-being, but I've been down this path before with your mother and I don't want you following in her footsteps.
LORELAI
Rory isn't me, Mom.
EMILY
Thank heavens for that.
RORY
Grandma!
EMILY
I just meant-
LORELAI
I know what you meant.
EMILY
I don't want Rory throwing away her future on some boy.
RORY
Give me a little credit, would you? What have I ever done to make you think I'd let something like that happen?
EMILY
Well... nothing, but-
RORY
But nothing. I'm dating Jess and that's the end of it.
There is a long, awkward silence while they continue to eat. After a few moments, Lorelai begins softly singing "The Sounds of Silence."
LORELAI
(singing)
Hello, darkness, my old friend.
Continued silence. Lorelai glances back and forth between Rory and Emily. She sings a little more.
LORELAI
(singing)
I've come to talk with you a-
EMILY
Lorelai, stop that.
(to Rory)
I think you're making a very big mistake dating this boy.
RORY
You don't even know him!
EMILY
I know enough.
RORY
No, you don't. All you know is what Mom said about him and that was a long time ago. I don't think you've ever even talked to him and you've already made up your mind not to like him and that's not right.
EMILY
(beat)
You're right.
RORY
I am?
EMILY
Yes. By all means, let's get to know the wonderful person that is Jess.
LORELAI
Uh-oh.
EMILY
Why don't you bring him to dinner next week so we can become better acquainted?
RORY
I don't think that's such a good idea.
LORELAI
In fact, it's really, really not a good idea.
EMILY
Of course it is. You just said yourself that I shouldn't make any judgments until I get to know him.
RORY
I didn't mean that-
EMILY
No, Rory, you were absolutely right. So, it's settled then. Jess will be joining us for dinner next week.
Rory and Lorelai are stunned. Rory looks hopefully at Lorelai, but Lorelai gestures helplessly.
EMILY (cont'd)
Your grandfather will be home next Friday, so he can get to know Jess, too. Won't that be nice?
Rory and Lorelai look worried and stab at their dinner with their forks.
INT. LORELAI'S JEEP
Lorelai and Rory are driving home from dinner.
RORY
I can't believe you couldn't think of some reason why Jess shouldn't come to dinner.
LORELAI
Sorry, I froze.
RORY
I think you froze on purpose.
LORELAI
I did not.
RORY
You wouldn't help me out this one time because it's Jess and you like to see Jess suffer.
LORELAI
True as that may be, you know that when Nurse Ratched makes up her mind about something, it's best not to argue with her.
RORY
I know, but we haven't even been going out that long. Dean and I were going out much longer before he came to dinner and you saw how they acted when he was there. Imagine what it's going to be like with Jess.
LORELAI
It ain't gonna be pretty.
RORY
I'm afraid.
LORELAI
It's going to be quite a show. I'll be bringing some popcorn and Twizzlers. I might even bring my 3-D glasses I got from Jaws 3 so I can get the full effect when either she or Dad snaps his head off.
RORY
You're enjoying this.
LORELAI
No, I'm not. Well, maybe a little.
RORY
You know they're going to be terrible to him and you can't wait.
LORELAI
Look, you've been dating for a while now and it doesn't look like you'll be ending it anytime soon-
RORY
Much to your disappointment.
LORELAI
The point is you need to suck it up and bring Jess to dinner.
RORY
I guess you're right.
LORELAI
Of course I am. Think of the bright side. It'll be a nice change of pace to have them focus their beady little eyes on someone else besides me.
RORY
You always manage to find the silver lining.
LORELAI
It's a gift.
END OF ACT ONE
***************
ACT TWO
EXT. STARS HOLLOW
Rory and Jess are kissing outside. Taylor and Kirk are walking up the sidewalk.
TAYLOR
Kirk, for the last time, the rent is $1,000 a month.
KIRK
I'll give you $400 for it.
TAYLOR
This is not at a flea market where you can bargain the price down. Rent is non-negotiable.
Kirk and Taylor pass Rory and Jess, who are still kissing. Jess' hands are roaming all over Rory's back.
TAYLOR (cont'd)
(to Jess and Rory)
Excuse me! This is not the red light district of Stars Hollow.
Rory and Jess stop kissing. Rory is embarrassed, Jess is amused.
RORY
Sorry, Taylor.
JESS
Won't happen again.
Kirk and Taylor keep walking.
KIRK
What if I do odds and ends around the building? Can the rent be lowered then?
TAYLOR
Kirk!
Kirk and Taylor walk out of earshot.
RORY
So, there's something I needed to talk to you about.
JESS
Shoot.
LANE (O.S.)
Rory, hi!
Lane walks up to Jess and Rory.
RORY
Hey, Lane.
LANE
I tried calling you before, but you weren't around. What are you up to today?
RORY
Not much. I was just about to meet Mom for lunch. Want to join us?
LANE
I can't. I have to help my mom out with inventory at the store.
RORY
We're going to rent some movies later if you want to come over to watch.
LANE
(glances at Jess)
I probably won't be done in time.
RORY
Oh. Okay.
LANE
I'll see you later.
RORY
See ya.
Lane walks off.
JESS
Bye, Lane.
Lane glances back.
LANE
Bye.
JESS
Not exactly my number one fan, is she?
RORY
What do you mean?
JESS
That's the fourth time you've asked her to do something with us and she always says no.
RORY
She's just busy.
Jess gives Rory a "yeah, right" look.
JESS
I've got to get to work. I'll call you later for the movies.
RORY
Okay.
Jess and Rory kiss goodbye.
INT. LUKE'S DINER
Rory walks in and joins Lorelai.
LORELAI
So, what did Jess say about dinner?
RORY
Oh, we got interrupted. I'll ask him tonight.
A pretty woman enters the diner. Luke comes out from the back. He looks surprised to see the woman.
LUKE
Hi.
NICOLE
Hi. I hope it was okay that I dropped by.
LUKE
No, it's fine. I'm glad you did.
(beat)
Let me introduce you to some friends of mine. Nicole Vaupen, this is Lorelai and Rory Gilmore.
RORY
Hi.
NICOLE
Hi. It's nice to meet you.
LORELAI
Nice to meet you, too.
(beat)
So, you're Taylor's lawyer?
NICOLE
Yes. In fact, I've got a meeting with him in a few minutes. I don't know why, but he wanted me to be here while he signs a lease agreement with a new tenant. He seems a little concerned about the guy that's moving in.
LUKE
He should be.
Nicole looks confused.
LORELAI
We know the guy that's moving in.
LUKE
Can I get you anything?
NICOLE
Some tea to go would be great.
LUKE
Coming right up.
LORELAI
Tea, huh? Are you as anti-coffee as Luke?
NICOLE
No. Actually, I love coffee, but I try to limit my intake to one cup a day or else I'd be drinking it constantly. How about you?
LORELAI
I try to limit myself to one or two cups... an hour.
LUKE
On a slow day.
Luke hands Nicole her tea.
LUKE (cont'd)
Here you go.
NICOLE
Great, thanks. So, are we still on for tonight?
LUKE
Yep.
NICOLE
Great. I'll see you later.
(to Lorelai and Rory)
It was really nice to meet you both.
LORELAI
Same here.
RORY
Bye.
LUKE
I'll walk you out.
Luke walks Nicole outside.
RORY
She seems nice.
LORELAI
Yes, she does.
RORY
They make a cute couple.
Lorelai looks bothered by this. Luke walks back in.
LORELAI
Nicole seems very nice.
LUKE
She is.
RORY
We give her two thumbs up.
LUKE
Good to know. So, what can I get for you?
LORELAI
Free legal advice?
LUKE
Dream on.
INT. KIM'S ANTIQUES
Rory walks into the store.
RORY
Hi, Mrs. Kim. Can I talk to Lane for a minute?
MRS. KIM
Lane is working.
RORY
I know, it'll just be a minute.
MRS. KIM
Lane! Rory's here.
Lane walks in.
LANE
Hey.
RORY
Hey.
LANE
What are you doing here?
RORY
I just thought I'd come by and say hi.
LANE
I thought you were spending the day with Jess.
RORY
No, I said we were watching a movie later.
LANE
Oh. Well, it was nice of you to squeeze me into your busy schedule.
RORY
(annoyed)
Can we talk outside?
Lane looks to make sure that her mother isn't around and then they walk out the front door.
EXT. STARS HOLLOW - CONTINUOUS
Rory and Lane walk out the Kim's front door and walk to the sidewalk.
RORY (cont'd)
(angry)
What is your problem?
LANE
I don't have a problem.
RORY
Yes, you do. You've been acting really weird lately.
LANE
I'm surprised you noticed.
RORY
What's that supposed to mean?
LANE
We hardly see each other anymore. I'm surprised you could tell the difference between when I'm acting weird or not.
RORY
What are you talking about?
LANE
All you want to do is study or hang out with Jess.
RORY
And all you want to do is play your drums and hang out with Dave, but you don't hear me complaining about it.
LANE
Maybe that's because I still make an effort to spend time with you.
RORY
And I don't?
LANE
No. You're always with Jess now. There's no room for me.
RORY
I'm here now, aren't I? Besides, I don't spend any more time with Jess than I did with Dean. The only difference is that you won't hang out with me and Jess.
LANE
Well, you'll have to excuse me, I'm still getting used to this whole Jess thing. Last I heard you were still in love with Dean, so I'm playing catch up.
RORY
This is about Dean?
LANE
It's about the fact that you had this big crush on Jess while you were going out with Dean and you didn't tell me about it. Why didn't you tell me?
RORY
Because I felt guilty. I was going out with Dean and had feelings for Jess.
LANE
So you kept it from me? What does that say about our friendship?
RORY
It doesn't say anything. You've kept secrets about your life from me, too.
LANE
Like what?
RORY
Remember cheerleading?
LANE
That was different.
RORY
How?
LANE
It just was. Cheerleading wasn't a big deal.
RORY
That's bull. You said you didn't tell me about it because you thought I would think it was lame and make fun of it.
LANE
So you think I think Jess is lame and I'll make fun of him? You're not that far off, actually.
RORY
Jess has never done anything to you. What is your problem with him?
LANE
I don't like him.
RORY
No kidding. Why not?
LANE
He's a jerk.
RORY
No, he's not. I mean, I know he can be sarcastic and he wasn't all that nice to Dean, but that was because he liked me.
LANE
So that makes it okay?
RORY
No, it doesn't, but-
LANE
Dean was so hurt when you two broke up.
RORY
I know that.
LANE
You shouldn't have strung him along all that time if you liked Jess.
RORY
I know. I feel terrible about that.
LANE
I'm sure Jess is happy, though. He got what he wanted.
RORY
Don't blame all of this stuff with Dean on Jess.
LANE
Why not? It was pretty obvious he was interested in you from the start.
RORY
Dean and I would've broken up eventually, Jess or no Jess. I denied it, but my feelings for Dean had changed a long time before we broke up.
LANE
I didn't know that. You never said anything.
RORY
I know. I'm sorry.
LANE
So, you're really into Jess, huh?
RORY
Yeah, I am. I wish you would give him a chance.
LANE
I don't know, Rory.
RORY
If you're not willing to accept that he's my boyfriend now, then we're not going to spend as much time together, and that's going to be your fault, not mine.
LANE
You're not giving me much of a choice here.
RORY
Just give him a chance. I know you'll like him. He's smart and he's totally into music.
LANE
He is?
RORY
Yes. You wouldn't believe his CD collection.
LANE
I guess that's one redeeming trait.
RORY
He's got others, too.
LANE
Like not showing up to the most number of classes without failing out of school?
RORY
Lane!
LANE
Okay.
RORY
Okay, what?
LANE
I know you like him, so I'll give him a chance. I promise.
RORY
Thanks.
LANE
But if he does anything to hurt you or treats you bad, he's going down.
RORY
(smiling)
You promise?
Mrs. Kim walks outside.
MRS. KIM
Lane! Come inside and get back to work.
LANE
I've got to go.
RORY
Are we okay?
LANE
Yeah, we're okay.
Lane and Rory hug and Lane goes back inside.
EXT. STARS HOLLOW - EVENING
Jess, Lorelai, and Rory are walking toward the diner. They see Luke and Nicole standing outside talking. Luke walks her to her car and they continue talking. Lorelai imagines what they're saying to each other.
LORELAI
I had a great time tonight. Me, too. I can't wait to see you again. Me, neither. I'll miss you. I'll miss you, too.
They walk into Luke's. Cesar is working behind the counter.
JESS
People are going to think you're delusional with the way you talk to yourself so much.
RORY
Mom is not delusional, but a few of her other personalities are questionable.
LORELAI
Hi, Cesar. Can we get some coffee, please?
(beat)
What's taking Luke so long? They're going to freeze just standing out there.
JESS
I don't think so.
Jess points out the window. Rory and Lorelai go to the window and look out. Luke and Nicole are leaning against Nicole's car, kissing.
RORY
This is wrong. We shouldn't be watching this.
LORELAI
Why not? They're in public.
RORY
It doesn't feel right.
LORELAI
Oh, please. You two make out in public all the time. I know, because I get daily reports from Taylor.
JESS
We're teenagers. That's what we do.
RORY
I can't take it anymore. It's like watching my dad make out.
Rory and Jess step away from the window.
LORELAI
(still watching)
I see which side of the family Jess gets his roaming hands from.
RORY
Should I run home and get our video camera?
LORELAI
Shh!
JESS
They can't hear us in here.
LORELAI
Shh!
(beat)
Whoa!
RORY
What?
LORELAI
Nothing. I just hadn't realized Luke was a butt man, that's all.
Jess and Rory look at each other and then run back to the window.
RORY
(beat)
We shouldn't be watching this.
CUT TO:
Luke and Nicole finish kissing. Nicole opens her door and gets inside and drives off. Luke waves and watches her go, then walks back towards the diner. Jess, Rory, and Lorelai jump away from the window. Luke walks into the diner.
LUKE
Hey.
RORY, LORELAI, JESS
Hey.
LORELAI
How was dinner?
LUKE
Fine.
RORY
Just fine?
LUKE
I'm not really into fancy restaurants, but it ended up all right.
LORELAI
(snorts)
No kidding.
LUKE
What?
LORELAI
Nothing.
LUKE
I swear, you're here more than I am. Don't you ever go home?
LORELAI
I used to enjoy the company.
Lorelai stands up and grabs her coat.
LORELAI (cont'd)
Let's go, Rory. We know where we're not wanted.
RORY
No, we don't.
LORELAI
Rory!
RORY
I'm sorry. I want some coffee.
LUKE
Sit down, drama queen.
Lorelai sits back down.
LORELAI
I'm sitting down, but under protest.
LUKE
The coffee's on the house.
LORELAI
Protest over.
Lorelai and Rory sip their coffee.
END OF ACT TWO
***************
ACT THREE
INT. LUKE'S DINER - MORNING
Lorelai and Rory walk into the diner and sit down at a table.
LORELAI
So, did you get a chance to talk with Jess?
RORY
About what?
LORELAI
About how long he thinks it will be before the Caroline Rhea show is canceled.
(beat)
I can't believe you still haven't asked him about Friday.
RORY
I haven't had a chance.
LORELAI
What are you talking about? You've had a million chances.
RORY
I know, I know. I'm going to ask him.
LORELAI
When?
RORY
Soon.
Jess walks into the diner and walks over to their table.
LORELAI
Now.
Jess sits down.
JESS
Now what?
LORELAI
I have to...
(picks up her spoon)
Get a new spoon. Now.
JESS
Why?
Lorelai drops it on the ground.
LORELAI
It's dirty.
Lorelai picks up the spoon and walks over to the counter.
RORY
So, um, what are you doing Friday night?
JESS
Nothing. I mean, working here, but nothing. Why?
RORY
I don't suppose there's any way you could get out of work, is there?
JESS
I guess, but don't you have dinner with your grandparents on Fridays?
RORY
Um... yeah, I do.
JESS
So why wouldn't I work?
RORY
Because... you'd be having dinner with me.
JESS
With you... and your grandparents?
RORY
And my mom. Yes.
JESS
I don't know if that's such a good idea.
RORY
I know, I'm sorry. I tried to get out of it, but my grandmother insisted, and I couldn't think of an excuse, and my mom hung me out to dry. She claims she couldn't think of a reason why you couldn't make it, but I don't know if I believe her-
JESS
It's okay.
RORY
Believe me, I don't want you there, either.
JESS
Gee, thanks.
RORY
No, I don't mean it like that. I just meant that you don't know what they're like. They're brutal.
JESS
I can handle it.
RORY
We can tell them that you're sick, or that you're working, or that you've moved back to New York.
JESS
Rory, it's okay. I'll go.
RORY
You will?
Lorelai walks back to the table.
JESS (cont'd)
Yes. Let's just do it and get it over with.
LORELAI
(reminiscing)
Oh, yeah... that brings back some high school memories. Good times, good times.
RORY
I think we can file that under the too much information category.
LORELAI
So, I take it you're joining us for dinner on Friday?
JESS
Looks that way.
RORY
I gave him every opportunity to back out and he didn't take me up on it.
Luke walks up and pours some coffee.
LORELAI
You had the chance to get out of dinner with my parents and you chose to go anyway?
JESS
Yep.
LORELAI
You know, you might be Gilmore material after all.
LUKE
You're kidding.
LORELAI
Well, Gary Gilmore, but still.
LUKE
You're going to Rory's grandparents for dinner?
JESS
Good news travels fast.
Luke starts chuckling.
JESS
What?
LUKE
Nothing.
JESS
Why are you laughing?
LUKE
Oh, man, would I like to be a fly on the wall for that dinner.
JESS
Why?
LUKE
Have you ever met Rory's grandparents?
JESS
I met them at that dinner at the inn a long time ago. I didn't talk to them or anything, but they seemed all right.
LUKE
You know, I almost feel sorry for you.
JESS
I'm glad you find this so amusing, but it's not going to be that bad. It's just dinner.
LORELAI
(laughs)
Just dinner? That's a good one.
LUKE
Do you have anything decent to wear?
JESS
I have to get dressed up?
LORELAI
Ha!
LUKE
Yes, you have to get dressed up. At least, you shouldn't look like you're going to the skate park.
JESS
Fine.
LUKE
You're going to have to be polite to them.
JESS
I know that.
RORY
Good table manners are always a plus.
LORELAI
And not talking with your mouth full.
LUKE
(to Lorelai)
You have to find a way to tape this for me.
JESS
What's the big deal? We'll eat, drink, and make small talk. How bad can it be?
LORELAI
(laughs again)
Ha! You are on fire today.
JESS
What? They're just people.
LORELAI
(Doubles over with laughter)
Stop it. You're killing me.
Jess has had enough of the teasing.
JESS
So, Luke, how's Nicole?
Lorelai stops laughing and turns to Luke.
LORELAI
Yes, Luke, tell us all about your new girlfriend.
JESS
And don't leave anything out.
RORY
We want to hear every detail.
LUKE
Shut up, all of you.
Luke walks off.
RORY
Well, I've gotta get to school.
JESS
Me, too.
RORY
Bye, Mom.
LORELAI
Bye, honey.
Jess and Rory walk out while Kirk walks into the diner.
KIRK
(to Luke and Lorelai)
Good. You're both here. I just wanted to let you know that I decided to get my own apartment. I signed a lease with Taylor and will be moving at the end of the month.
LORELAI
We heard. That was fast. We only talked about this a few days ago. Are you sure you want to do this?
KIRK
Of course. Why? You don't think I should?
LORELAI
I think you should do what you want to do.
KIRK
Well, I want to move.
LORELAI
Then, that's great. Congratulations.
KIRK
Thank you. And since you were instrumental in this decision, I wanted to personally deliver your invitations to my housewarming party.
Kirk hands them his hand-made invitations. There is lots of writing on the invitation. Pieces of string have been glued around the border.
LORELAI
Wow. Fancy invitations. It looks like you spent a lot of time on these.
KIRK
I did.
LORELAI
I especially like the apron string around the border. It's very symbolic, which is always a nice touch.
KIRK
Thanks. That reminds me. I need to do some shopping today. Mom won't let me back in the house without bringing her a new apron.
Luke and Lorelai glance at each other.
LUKE
You actually cut your mother's apron strings to make these?
KIRK
Yes. Everyone else's invitations will just have regular string on them so they'll still get the symbolic effect, but I wanted you guys to have the real thing.
LORELAI
Thanks, Kirk. That's...
LUKE
Disturbing.
LORELAI
I think you may have a typo here. This says your party is two months away.
KIRK
No, that's right. I wanted to give people enough notice so they can take their time shopping for their housewarming gifts.
LUKE
Smart thinking.
LORELAI
And look, you even included a list of acceptable gifts. Linens, dishes, silverware, lamps...
KIRK
For your convenience, the back of the invitation lists the store name, location, pattern, and price for each item on the list.
LORELAI
I get the BYOB reference, but what does BYSFF mean?
KIRK
Bring Your Single Female Friends. I thought that would be obvious. I guess I should have written that part out, but there wasn't a whole lot of room.
LUKE
It's probably best that you didn't.
KIRK
Well, I need to get going. I'll see you later.
LORELAI
Bye, Kirk.
Kirk walks out.
LORELAI
Our little Kirk is growing up.
LUKE
Into what?
LORELAI
I know, this invitation is a little on the creepy side.
EXT. STARS HOLLOW HIGH SCHOOL
Jess is walking out of school. Lane walks out behind him and catches up to him.
LANE
Hey, Jess.
JESS
You're talking to me now? To what do I owe the honor?
LANE
What did you think of that English test? I thought it was hard, but-
JESS
What are you doing?
LANE
Well, my lips are moving and words are coming out in your direction. I think it's called making conversation.
JESS
And why would you do that?
LANE
Good question.
Lane walks off. Jess catches up to her.
JESS
Lane, wait a second.
Lane stops walking.
LANE
What?
JESS
I know you don't like me. When you and Dean are not too busy giving me dirty looks at school, you're ignoring me. Now you're trying to make small talk about English class? I don't get it.
LANE
Look, I know we've had some issues in the past-
JESS
I've never had a problem with you.
LANE
Fine. I've had a problem with you, then.
JESS
So, what is this all about?
LANE
Rory's my best friend.
JESS
I know that.
LANE
Shut up for a second, would you?
Jess nods his head to indicate that he'll be quiet.
LANE (cont'd)
Rory's my best friend and she's going out with you, whether I like it or not. If I don't make some kind of effort to get along with you, that's going to cause problems between Rory and I and you're not worth losing her friendship over.
JESS
Is this you making an effort to be nice? Because I'm really not feeling the warm fuzzies here.
LANE
You're so obnoxious. I don't know what Rory sees in you.
JESS
I don't know what she sees in you, either.
LANE
You know what? Forget I said anything. I don't know why I even bothered.
Lane starts walking away. Jess catches her arm.
JESS
Lane, wait.
(beat)
I'm sorry, okay? You're right. I think we should try to get along, too.
LANE
You do?
JESS
Yeah.
LANE
Okay, then. We'll give it a shot for Rory's sake.
JESS
Okay.
LANE
I guess I'll see you around.
JESS
Yeah, I'll see ya.
Lane walks off.
INT. LUKE'S APARTMENT
Luke is freshly shaved, has a nice haircut, and is dressed in the nice suit that Lorelai had gotten him when he was dating Rachel. There is a knock on the door. Luke opens the door and finds Rory and Lorelai outside.
RORY
Whoa, look at you.
LORELAI
Who died?
LUKE
No one died.
RORY
You look very nice.
LUKE
Thanks. Come on in.
Luke opens the door and Lorelai and Rory walk in.
LUKE
So, tonight's the big night, huh?
LORELAI
Yep. Rory's totally been stressing about it all week.
RORY
I have not.
LUKE
He would never say it, but so has Jess. Of course, I've been bugging him about it the last few days, so it's been fun for me.
LORELAI
You're so mean.
(beat)
Keep up the good work.
Awkward silence.
LUKE
Jess should be right out.
LORELAI
Hot date with the soda dispenser tonight?
LUKE
Something like that.
LORELAI
You better watch your back. The word on the street is the coffee machine gets insanely jealous.
LUKE
I'll take my chances.
More silence.
LORELAI
Is that the outfit I got you?
LUKE
It's a suit, not an outfit.
LORELAI
Fine. Is that the suit I got you?
LUKE
I don't know. Maybe.
RORY
You've got good taste, Mom.
LORELAI
Thank you. I must agree with you.
(to Luke)
I thought you were going to return it.
LUKE
I never got a chance to.
Jess comes out of the bathroom and walks into the living room.
JESS
Hi.
RORY
Hi. You look nice.
JESS
Thanks.
LUKE
Look, Jess, I know we were joking earlier, but let me give you some advice. When you first meet, a firm handshake is key.
LORELAI
But not too firm.
LUKE
Compliment their house.
RORY
And the food.
LUKE
Be polite and keep your mouth shut as much as possible.
LORELAI
Look them in the eye, but don't stare.
RORY
If they ask you about college, change the subject.
LORELAI
If they ask you about religion or politics, change the subject.
JESS
Can I breathe?
LUKE
I wouldn't recommend it.
RORY
You can breathe.
(beat)
Quietly.
JESS
Are they really that bad or are you just trying to make me nervous?
No one answers.
LUKE
(beat)
Good luck.
JESS
Thanks.
LORELAI
I guess we should get going.
Jess, Luke, Lorelai, and Rory walk out of the apartment.
END OF ACT THREE
***************
ACT FOUR
INT. RICHARD AND EMILY'S HOUSE
Richard, Emily, Lorelai, Rory, and Jess are in the dining room. They are all eating in silence.
EMILY
So, Jess, you're from New York?
JESS
Yes.
EMILY
What brought you to Stars Hollow?
JESS
My uncle lives there.
EMILY
You must be very close with your uncle to pick up and leave your home and move here.
JESS
I guess so.
EMILY
Weren't your parents upset that you left them to move in with Luke?
JESS
Not especially.
EMILY
Why not?
JESS
My mom... needed her own space.
EMILY
I see.
RICHARD
What type of work do your parents do?
JESS
My mother is an artist.
RICHARD
And your father?
JESS
I'm not sure.
(beat)
He left a few years ago and I haven't seen him since.
RICHARD
I see.
EMILY
I understand you work at your uncle's diner.
JESS
Yes, I do.
RICHARD
You find that rewarding, do you?
JESS
It pays the bills.
RICHARD
What do you plan on doing after you graduate from high school?
JESS
I haven't decided yet.
RICHARD
No college plans?
JESS
No. Not right now, anyway.
EMILY
You do know that Rory is planning on attending Harvard next year.
JESS
Yes, I do.
RICHARD
Well, if you don't intend to go to college, what are your plans for the future?
JESS
I haven't really given much thought to my long-term plans.
RICHARD
Well, then, what are your short-term plans?
JESS
(beat)
To spend as much time as possible with Rory before she leaves for college.
Emily rolls her eyes.
RICHARD
Seriously, what are your plans?
JESS
I'm totally and completely serious.
LORELAI
(whispers to Rory)
Say Anything. Nice choice.
Rory nods in agreement.
RICHARD
What kind of grades do you make?
JESS
They're okay.
RICHARD
Just okay?
JESS
Good enough for government work.
EMILY
Well, don't worry if your grades aren't good enough for college. I've heard there are some good trade schools in the area.
JESS
Thanks. I'll keep that in mind.
LORELAI
Mom, that's enough.
EMILY
What? There's nothing wrong with going to a trade school, is there?
RORY
Grandma, just because Jess is undecided about what he wants to do and might not go to college doesn't mean anything. He is very smart.
EMILY
Is that why he needed you to tutor him?
Lorelai tries to change the subject.
LORELAI
So, how about that whole Christopher and Sherry having a baby thing?
RORY
He went through a rough patch when he first moved here, but he went to summer school and brought his grades up and lately he's been getting straight A's.
JESS
You don't have to stick up for me.
RICHARD
Well, why didn't you just say so? There's nothing wrong with tooting your own horn, so to speak.
EMILY
Are you planning on having children some day?
JESS
Excuse me?
RORY
Grandma!
RICHARD
That's a perfectly valid question. If you're not going to college, yet plan on continuing to see my granddaughter, how do you propose to properly support a family without a college education?
LORELAI
Mom, Dad, they're in high school. They're deciding whether or not they should rent a limo for the prom. They're not talking about marriage or what they'll be doing 20 years from now or how many kids they intend to have.
RICHARD
I don't understand why he's being so evasive in answering a few simple questions. If he has nothing to hide, then-
JESS
How much money do you make?
Everyone looks stunned.
RORY
Jess!
LORELAI
Um, Jess, are you interested in buying, selling, or processing anything?
RICHARD
(to Jess)
Excuse me?
JESS
How much money do you make?
EMILY
Young man, that is an entirely inappropriate question.
JESS
Why?
EMILY
Rory, do I honestly have to explain to your impertinent friend why he shouldn't ask a question like that?
JESS
Yes, you do.
RICHARD
What I earn is personal and none of your concern.
JESS
So, you don't like being asked personal questions from near strangers?
RICHARD
Of course not.
JESS
Neither do I.
Awkward silence while waiting for Richard's response.
RICHARD
(chuckles)
Point taken.
LORELAI
Unbelievable. If I had asked that, I would have been raked over the coals.
EMILY
Even you have better manners than that.
LORELAI
Thanks, Mom.
RORY
Grandma, you said you wanted to get to know Jess, but you don't. You're just trying to find ways to reinforce the opinion you made of him months ago.
EMILY
That's not true.
LORELAI
Yeah, it is.
RORY
Did you know that Jess reads even more than I do? No, you don't, because you haven't expressed any interest at all in him and finding out what he likes to do.
JESS
Rory, it's okay.
EMILY
Well, I wish I had known earlier that he knows how to read. That changes everything.
RICHARD
That's quite enough, Emily.
EMILY
We should have a parade and throw rose petals at his feet.
LORELAI
Mom, stop it!
RICHARD
Emily, I must agree with Lorelai. You are being extremely rude.
Rory stands up.
RORY
That's it. I've had enough. Grandma, it's obvious your incapable of being civil to Jess, so we're leaving.
JESS
Rory, we don't have to leave.
RORY
Yes, we do. This is ridiculous. You're a guest here and don't deserve to be talked to like this. Mom, can we go, please?
LORELAI
Sure, honey.
Lorelai stands up.
LORELAI (cont'd)
Mom, Dad, as always, it's been a pleasure.
Jess stands up.
JESS
Thank you for dinner.
(beat)
You have a nice house, by the way.
RICHARD
Thank you.
Emily is silent. Rory, Jess, and Lorelai walk out of the living room.
INT. LORELAI'S JEEP
Lorelai, Jess, and Rory are driving back from dinner.
LORELAI
You have a nice house?
JESS
I forgot to say it earlier when we first got there. I don't think I'll be invited back for dinner anytime soon, so I thought I'd throw it out there for the record.
RORY
I told them you were smart.
LORELAI
Ah, another drama filled evening at the Gilmore household. We should start selling tickets.
JESS
It was fine.
RORY
It was not fine. My grandparents were rude, as usual.
LORELAI
If it makes you feel any better, they do that to everyone. That's why they don't have too many repeat customers in that house.
JESS
It really wasn't that bad.
LORELAI
I've got to hand it to you, Jess. You were like Superman, the way the insults were just bouncing off you.
RORY
So, really, what did you think about your first dinner with the Gilmores?
JESS
It really went better than I thought it would. The way everyone was talking, I was expecting some Shakespearean tragedy or something.
RORY
So you want to make it a regular thing?
JESS
I'll pass.
Lorelai pulls up to the diner to drop Jess off.
LORELAI
Well, here we are. Home sweet home.
JESS
Thanks for the ride. I'll see you tomorrow.
Jess and Rory get out of the car. Rory kisses Jess.
RORY
Thank you.
JESS
For what?
RORY
For coming to dinner in the first place and for holding your tongue when you had every reason to get mad. Thank you.
Rory kisses Jess again.
JESS
You're welcome.
Rory gets back in the jeep and she and Lorelai continue home.
RORY
You know how I thought it would be really bad tonight?
LORELAI
Yeah?
RORY
As bad as it was, I think it could have been a lot worse.
LORELAI
I have to admit, I was impressed with how Jess kept his cool. He didn't let them get to him.
RORY
You might want to take notes.
LORELAI
He really cares about you, doesn't he?
RORY
Yeah, he does.
LORELAI
I can't believe he asked dad how much money he made.
RORY
I know.
LORELAI
I was kind of hoping he'd answer.
RORY
Me, too.
INT. LUKE'S DINER - MORNING
Lorelai and Rory are sitting down at a table, eating breakfast. Jess walks over and refills their coffee.
LORELAI
You know, it's nice to have someone just give us coffee without reciting a public service announcement about the dangers of too much caffeine, or telling us our breath smells and our teeth are turning yellow.
RORY
When you put it like that, why do we drink so much coffee?
LORELAI
It tastes good.
RORY
Oh, yeah.
(to Jess)
So, you ready to go?
JESS
I can't go yet. I need to wait for Luke to get back.
LORELAI
Where is he, anyway?
JESS
I don't know.
LORELAI
(surprised)
He didn't come home last night?
JESS
I don't know.
LORELAI
What do you mean, you don't know?
JESS
He wasn't home when I went to bed, Mom. He's always up before I am, though, so I really don't know if he came home or not.
LORELAI
Weren't you concerned when you woke up and didn't know if he came home or not?
JESS
No.
LORELAI
Why not?
JESS
It's Luke. I'm sure he's out being responsible somewhere.
Luke walks into the diner. He's wearing the same clothes from the previous night. He looks a little embarrassed because he know it doesn't look good.
LUKE
Hi.
JESS
(surprised)
Hi.
LORELAI
Where have you been?
LUKE
Out.
LORELAI
All night?
JESS
Weren't those the same clothes you were wearing last night?
RORY
(teasing)
Ooh...
LORELAI
(sing-song)
You're in trouble.
LUKE
I don't want to hear it.
LORELAI
Let me guess. It was late and you were watching a movie and fell asleep.
JESS
No, wait. You had car trouble but had to wait until the morning for a garage to open.
RORY
You could've at least called. We were worried to death.
LORELAI
Well, everyone except Jess, who didn't even notice you were gone.
LUKE
I did call. Twice.
(to Jess)
I left messages on the machine. Where were you?
JESS
Don't try to turn this around on me, young man. We are talking about you.
LUKE
Look, I am a grown man. I do not have to account for my whereabouts. What I do and whom I do it with is none of your business.
LORELAI
(giggles)
He said "do it".
LUKE
Grow up.
JESS
You're testier than usual this morning.
LORELAI
What's the matter? Didn't get enough sleep?
LUKE
Lorelai, stop.
LORELAI
Excuse me for being concerned about your welfare.
LUKE
Why do you care so much about what I was doing last night?
LORELAI
I don't.
LUKE
It seems like you do.
LORELAI
(almost angry)
Well, I don't, so why don't you just finish your walk of shame upstairs, change your clothes, and come back down to relieve Jess so he and Rory can get going.
Rory and Jess give each other a shocked look.
LUKE
(angry)
Finish my what?
LORELAI
You heard me.
LUKE
(to Jess)
Is Cesar here yet?
JESS
Yes.
LUKE
Then you can go now. Just let him know he has to cover me for a few minutes while I get changed, okay?
JESS
Okay.
LUKE
Thanks for opening up.
JESS
No problem.
LUKE
(angry, to Lorelai)
I want to talk to you upstairs.
LORELAI
Can I finish my breakfast first?
LUKE
No.
Luke storms upstairs.
RORY
(sing-song)
You're in trouble.
Lorelai sheepishly follows Luke upstairs.
INT. LUKE'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Luke storms into his apartment. Lorelai follows him in and closes the door.
LUKE
What the hell was that?
LORELAI
Okay, I went a little overboard with the walk of shame comment.
LUKE
You're damn right you did. You have no right to talk to me like that, especially in front of the kids.
LORELAI
I'm sorry.
LUKE
You can't do this, Lorelai.
LORELAI
Do what?
LUKE
Get jealous whenever I'm interested in someone.
LORELAI
I'm not jealous. I'm concerned about how this looks to Jess.
LUKE
Are you kidding me?
LORELAI
No. You've known her, what, two weeks and you're spending the night at her place? What kind of message does that send to Jess?
LUKE
It doesn't send any message because what you think happened last night didn't, and Jess would know that if he ever checked the damn answering machine.
LORELAI
Well, why didn't you just say that?
LUKE
Because it was none of your business what did or didn't happen. You have absolutely no right to question, make comments about, or tell me how to run my personal life.
LORELAI
I'm not telling you how to run your personal life. I'm telling you that you're living with an impressionable teenager that is dating my daughter -
LUKE
Cut the crap, Lorelai. You're not worried about how anything looks to Jess. You're just pissed because I'm not sitting at home pining over you while you date whoever the hell you want to.
LORELAI
What?
LUKE
This whole "You don't want to date me, but you don't want me to date anyone else" game got old a long time ago and I'm not playing it anymore.
LORELAI
I never said I didn't want you to date anyone.
LUKE
Then why are you jealous about Nicole?
LORELAI
I'm not jealous!
LUKE
Fine. Just leave, okay? I've got to get ready for work.
Lorelai starts to walk towards the door and then turns around.
LORELAI
Okay, I admit it.
LUKE
Admit what?
LORELAI
She's smart and pretty and I saw you kissing her the other night and then you spent the night with her and I got jealous, okay? Are you happy now?
LUKE
You've got a boyfriend.
LORELAI
I know that.
LUKE
So, why are you jealous?
LORELAI
I don't know why. It doesn't make any sense because we're just friends.
LUKE
If we were just friends, you wouldn't care that I'm dating someone else!
LORELAI
Why are you so angry?
LUKE
You can't have it both ways. Either we're just friends or we're not, but I can't take this in-between stuff anymore. If you want to go out with me, say so.
Lorelai is silent.
LUKE (cont'd)
That's what I thought.
LORELAI
Our whole relationship would change if we started dating.
LUKE
That's the point, Lorelai.
LORELAI
Can't you understand what I'm worried about? Max and I were engaged and now we don't ever see or talk to each other. I don't want that to happen to us.
LUKE
That wouldn't happen to us.
LORELAI
You don't know that!
LUKE
Neither do you.
LORELAI
Yes, I do. I have a long history with relationships that end badly. If we dated and then broke up, which is probably what would happen because I manage to screw up every relationship I'm in, it would ruin our friendship.
Luke steps up and tenderly cups Lorelai's face in his hands.
LUKE
I can't make you any promises that things would work out between us in the long run, but you have to believe that I will always be your friend... no matter what.
Lorelai is speechless. Luke slides his hands down her arms and holds onto her hands.
LUKE (cont'd)
I'm willing to give us a try if you are.
Lorelai's eyes well up with tears and she slowly shakes her head.
LORELAI
I can't.
Luke lets go of Lorelai's hands and nods resignedly.
LORELAI (cont'd)
I know you believe that we'll always be friends and dating wouldn't change that, but it does. It always does, and I can't take that risk. You mean too much to me.
LUKE
(sighs)
Okay.
LORELAI
Okay?
LUKE
Yeah, okay. I'm not going to beg you to go out with me, Lorelai.
LORELAI
I know. I meant... now what?
LUKE
Now, nothing. We're friends, same as always.
LORELAI
So, we're okay? Things are going to be the same?
LUKE
No, they're not going to be the same. I'm not going to be your crutch or your safety net anymore. I'm not going to wait around for you to change your mind and decide to take a chance with me.
LORELAI
That's fair.
LUKE
I like Nicole and I'm going to keep dating her and you can't act like you did today again. You just can't.
LORELAI
I won't. I promise, I won't make any more jealous-type comments about Nicole or anyone else you date.
LUKE
Okay.
(beat)
I really do have to get ready for work now.
LORELAI
Okay.
(beat)
I'll see you at dinner?
LUKE
I'll be here.
Lorelai walks out of the apartment.
END OF EPISODE
FEEDBACK: ggfan@prodigy.net
DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to Amy Sherman-Palladino and the WB.
COMMENTS: Any feedback is appreciated.
STORY SUMMARY: Jess goes to Friday night dinner at Rory's grandparents, Lane and Rory have a talk about Jess, and Luke and Lorelai have a long-overdue discussion about their relationship.
***SPOILER WARNING*** I wrote the majority of this story a long time ago, but I recently read a spoiler about Luke that fit in with the storyline I had going with him, so I incorporated it into my story. You have been warned!
***************
TEASER
EXT. STARS HOLLOW
Lorelai and Rory are walking towards Luke's Diner.
LORELAI
Ugh. There's a gum wrapper on the sidewalk. I hate when people litter.
RORY
You could pick it up and throw it out.
LORELAI
Gross. I'll let Taylor take care of it. It really bugs me when people litter, though.
RORY
Me, too. Almost as much as when people use the word irregardless. I don't care if it's in the dictionary or not. It's not a real word.
LORELAI
Also, when people spell the words "to" and "for" as numbers. Except for Prince.
RORY
And the words "be" and "you" as one letter.
Rory and Lorelai enter the diner and sit down at the counter.
RORY (cont'd)
We should get Taylor to outlaw these things.
LORELAI
We should. Let's make a list. Do you have a pen and paper?
Rory pulls a pen and paper out of her bag and hands them to Lorelai. Lorelai writes a few things down.
RORY
Don't forget dog-earing library books.
LUKE comes over and pours Rory and Lorelai some coffee.
LUKE
Hey.
LORELAI
Hey.
RORY
Hi.
LUKE
What are you doing?
LORELAI
We're making a list of things that annoy us to get Taylor to outlaw them. So far, we've got litterbugs, dog-earing library books, the word irregardless, and spelling words as numbers. Care to add anything?
LUKE
No.
LORELAI
Why not?
LUKE
It's stupid.
Lorelai writes something on the list.
LUKE
You can't put me on the list.
LORELAI
I didn't. Besides, it's our list. We can put whatever we want on it.
LUKE
What'd you write?
LORELAI
Flannel shirts.
LUKE
What'd you write?
LORELAI
Nothing.
LUKE
Why don't you add people who say "Nothing" when you ask them what they're doing?
Lorelai looks at Rory. Rory nods in agreement.
RORY
That is annoying.
LORELAI
Traitor.
(to Luke)
If you must know, I wrote "killjoy."
LUKE
What? I'm a killjoy for not adding anything to your stupid list?
LORELAI
Yeah.
LUKE
Fine.
RORY
(to Lorelai)
Saying "fine" when you mean it's not fine.
LORELAI
We do that, too.
RORY
Good point. Scratch that.
LUKE
Why don't you add people that ask you to do stupid things and then give you grief when you don't play along.
LORELAI
I think you're missing the point of the list. This is not about things we do that annoy other people, it's about things other people do or say that annoy us.
LUKE
Of course... and I was this close to getting you to stop calling my toolbox Bert.
(beat)
Starting an insult with "Pardon my French."
LORELAI
Now you're talking. Let me write that one down.
RORY
I still hear the occasional "take a chill pill."
LORELAI
And enough with "Word" already.
LUKE
24-7.
LORELAI
WHAT-EVER.
RORY
Anyways.
LUKE
I don't care if I ever get back.
LORELAI
What?
LUKE
In Take Me Out to the Ballgame, a lot of people think the line is "I don't care if I ever get back." The line is "I don't care if I never get back." That's the point. You're at the game, enjoying yourself. You don't care if you never get back to where you came from. That drives me nuts.
RORY
That's going to bug me now, too. Add it to the list.
Lorelai writes more on the paper.
LUKE
I'm beginning to understand what makes Taylor tick and it scares me.
LORELAI
There is a fine line between listing your grievances and insanity. Let's keep the list between the three of us and secretly fine the people who break our laws.
RORY
Every few months, we'll buy imaginary presents with all the money we've made in penalties.
LUKE
Sounds like a plan.
Lorelai keeps writing and Rory drinks her coffee.
END OF TEASER
***************
ACT ONE
INT. LUKE'S DINER
Lorelai and Rory walk into the diner and sit down. Lorelai notices that Luke has shaved.
LORELAI
Hey, look at that.
RORY
What?
LORELAI
Luke.
RORY
What about Luke?
LORELAI
He shaved.
RORY
Oh, yeah.
LORELAI
Why would he do that?
RORY
I dunno.
Jess comes into the diner. Lorelai waves him over.
LORELAI
Hey, Jess.
JESS
Hey.
LORELAI
Have a seat.
Jess sits down.
LORELAI
How's school?
JESS
Fine.
LORELAI
Work?
JESS
Fine.
LORELAI
How come Luke shaved today?
JESS
What?
LORELAI
Luke. He's clean-shaven.
JESS
So what?
LORELAI
He never shaves. What gives?
JESS
Maybe he's seeing Nicole today.
RORY
Who's Nicole?
JESS
Taylor's lawyer.
LORELAI
Luke likes Taylor's lawyer?
JESS
Yes.
LORELAI
Likes in a friendly kind of way or a flirty kind of way?
JESS
I'd say more of a 9 1/2 Weeks kind of way.
LORELAI
They're dating?
JESS
Yep.
LORELAI
For how long?
JESS
A couple weeks, I guess.
LORELAI
A couple weeks? How could you keep this kind of information from us?
JESS
It's not my job to keep you informed of Luke's personal life.
LORELAI
Think of all the good lawyer jokes we've missed out on.
RORY
Luke and Nicole. Nicole and Luke. That goes together.
LORELAI
What do you know about her?
JESS
I don't know. If you're so interested in her, why don't you just ask Luke?
LORELAI
I'm not interested. I'm... curious.
JESS
Right.
Luke walks over to take their order.
LUKE
Hi.
LORELAI
Hey there, Romeo.
LUKE
Excuse me?
LORELAI
We heard you've got the hots for Taylor's lawyer.
LUKE
(to Jess)
You have a big mouth.
JESS
I didn't know it was a secret.
LUKE
It's not a secret.
LORELAI
Then why didn't you tell us?
LUKE
I didn't NOT tell you... I just didn't tell you. It's my personal business, key word being personal. Yes, we're dating. No big deal. Now, what do you want to eat?
LORELAI
Look at him blush. It's so cute.
RORY
So, you like 'em brainy, huh?
LUKE
Can we please drop this?
JESS
You should keep going out with her. We could use a lawyer in the family.
LUKE
With you around, that's probably true.
LORELAI
If you're a good boy, maybe she'll show you her legal briefs.
LUKE
Oh, my God.
JESS
That was your good lawyer joke?
LORELAI
It was the first one. Give it time. They'll get better.
RORY
What do you call a dozen lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
LORELAI
What?
RORY
A good start.
Lorelai makes the drum noise associated with a bad joke.
LUKE
There will be no more lawyer jokes. Now, either order or leave.
LORELAI
Burger and fries.
RORY
Same for me.
Luke walks away.
LORELAI
Luke with a lawyer. I can't picture it.
RORY
Who can you picture him with?
LORELAI
I don't picture him with anyone.
JESS
Why not?
LORELAI
(stammering)
I didn't mean that that he couldn't get a date. I know he's... I mean, I know there are women that would like to... it's just that... You know what? I left something in the car. I'm going to go get it.
RORY
We walked here.
LORELAI
Oh, right. We need some more napkins. I'll go get some.
Lorelai leaves the table and sits at the counter.
JESS
It's fun watching her squirm.
RORY
Isn't it?
Lorelai sits back down at the table. Kirk walks into the diner. A woman who is sitting at one of the tables quickly walks to the door to leave.
KIRK
(trying to talk to the woman)
Hey, I haven't heard from you-
WOMAN
Leave me alone, you freak.
The woman quickly walks by Kirk and exits.
LORELAI
Girl troubles?
KIRK
My mom told me that women like impulsive men, like in that commercial, so every day for a week I jumped out and gave her some flowers and now I'm a freak.
LORELAI
It was a nice thought, Kirk, but nowadays when a man you've never met before suddenly gives you flowers, that's considered stalking.
KIRK
Huh. Well, that explains it.
Kirk sits down at the counter.
RORY
Poor Kirk.
LORELAI
I know.
RORY
Why does he still live with his mother? With all the jobs he's had and how tight he is with his money, he should be able to afford his own place.
LORELAI
You're right. I'm going to talk to him.
Lorelai walks over and sits next to Kirk at the counter. Jess gets up and buses some dishes.
LORELAI
Hey, Kirk, have you ever thought about moving out of your mom's house?
KIRK
Why would we do that? It's already paid for.
LORELAI
I meant just you moving out, actually.
KIRK
Oh.
(beat)
I don't get it.
LORELAI
Maybe it's time to get your own place. You know, spread your wings a little.
KIRK
You think so?
LORELAI
Yes, I do. Aren't you ready for the freedom and independence that comes with living on your own?
KIRK
I don't know.
Jess is wiping off the counter, within earshot of Lorelai and Kirk.
LORELAI
You might have a little more luck with the ladies if you had your own bachelor pad.
KIRK
You think?
LORELAI
Absolutely.
KIRK
Luke has a bachelor pad and he doesn't have much luck with the ladies.
LORELAI
Yes, but you're forgetting that Luke has Jess living with him.
JESS
Oh, right. I'm so sure my moving in put a crimp in Luke's swinger lifestyle.
LORELAI
Go talk to Rory.
Jess goes and sits with Rory. Luke comes behind the counter.
KIRK
Luke, what do you think?
LUKE
About what?
KIRK
Do you think I should move-
LUKE
Yes.
KIRK
-out of my mom's house?
LUKE
Still yes.
LORELAI
You see?
KIRK
I have to admit, it does sound appealing. I could go to bed at whatever time I wanted and I could watch whatever I wanted on tv.
LUKE
There you go.
KIRK
Plus, my mom hasn't quite grasped the whole CatKirk, HumanKirk concept.
LORELAI
That wouldn't be an issue anymore.
KIRK
I wouldn't have those parental controls on my Internet access anymore.
LUKE
I'd keep those in place if I were you.
LORELAI
You know, Taylor owns some apartment buildings. If you decide to move, he'd be able to help find you a nice place.
KIRK
Thank you both. You've given me a lot to think about.
LORELAI
You're welcome.
Lorelai sits down with Rory and Jess. Luke walks up to take their order.
RORY
What did Kirk say?
LORELAI
He seemed interested in getting his own place. I think he's going to do it.
LUKE
Taylor as Kirk's landlord is a frightening thought, though.
LORELAI
You're right. I didn't think about that.
INT. RICHARD AND EMILY'S HOUSE - FRI. NIGHT
Emily, Lorelai, and Rory are sitting at the dining room table eating dinner.
EMILY
They're naming the baby Gigi? After that show with Sally Field in it?
LORELAI
That was Gidget, Mom.
EMILY
Just as bad. What kind of name is Gigi?
RORY
It's short for Georgia.
EMILY
Georgia?
LORELAI
They were kicking around Massachusetts for a while, but the nicknames weren't any good. Mass, chuse, setts... see, nothing works.
RORY
Plus, she'd be about 14 before she could spell her own name.
LORELAI
And she'd run out of boxes on those school test forms.
EMILY
Gigi. It sounds like a name of a topless dancer.
LORELAI
And how would you know that?
EMILY
So, Rory, any word from any colleges?
RORY
No, I haven't heard anything yet.
EMILY
The anticipation is dreadful, isn't it?
RORY
Yes, it is.
EMILY
I remember being so nervous after I applied to college... waiting on pins and needles for the mail to arrive.
RORY
I know what you mean. Do you mind if we change the subject?
EMILY
No, of course. I'm sorry, I don't mean to make you any more anxious.
RORY
That's okay.
LORELAI
That's all it takes to get you to change the subject? Ask?
(to Rory)
Why didn't I find this out years ago?
EMILY
So, tell me, how is Dean?
RORY
(cautious)
Dean's fine.
EMILY
What are his plans for next year?
RORY
I think he's going to junior college.
EMILY
What do you mean, you think?
RORY
Um...
LORELAI
She just meant that Dean hasn't decided what he's doing next year.
EMILY
(suspicious)
What's going on?
LORELAI
Nothing. Can we change the subject, please?
EMILY
No.
LORELAI
No fair. Rory got to change the subject.
EMILY
Too bad.
(to Rory)
What is going on?
RORY
Dean and I broke up.
EMILY
What? Why didn't you tell me?
RORY
I'm sorry. It's just a little hard to talk about. If it's okay, I'd rather not go into any details.
EMILY
I understand. I don't need to hear the details, but it would be nice to be kept in the loop every once in a while. Contrary to popular belief in this house, I am not the enemy.
RORY
I'm sorry I didn't say something sooner.
EMILY
And I'm sorry things didn't work out with Dean.
RORY
Thank you.
EMILY
It's probably for the best, though. At this stage in your life, you should be concentrating on enjoying your senior year of high school and spending as much time with your friends as possible. You certainly don't need the extra pressure of worrying about a boyfriend when you have so many other things going on, am I right?
LORELAI
When you're right, you're right.
EMILY
Finally. Something we can all agree on. Now, who would like some dessert?
Rory and Lorelai look relieved that Rory didn't have to tell Emily about Jess. Emily notices the looks.
EMILY
What?
RORY
What?
EMILY
You're hiding something from me. I can tell.
RORY
It's nothing.
EMILY
What's nothing?
RORY
Really, it's not a big deal.
LORELAI
No big deal at all. In fact, hardly worth mentioning.
EMILY
What is hardly worth mentioning?
LORELAI
Nothing. That's why it's not worth mentioning.
EMILY
Something is going on and I want to know what it is right now.
RORY
Well, I guess I do have some news.
EMILY
I knew it! You heard from Yale, didn't you?
RORY
No, I didn't hear from Yale.
EMILY
Harvard?
RORY
No. It has nothing to do with school. The news is... I'm dating Jess now.
EMILY
Jess?
RORY
Yes. He's Luke's nephew. You met him last year at-
EMILY
I know who Jess is. He's that boy that crashed your car and broke your arm.
RORY
It was an accident and it was only a fracture.
EMILY
Lorelai, how could you let this happen?
LORELAI
How could I let what happen?
EMILY
Jess! I thought you didn't like him.
LORELAI
Well, I-
EMILY
You said he was trouble, and now they're dating?
LORELAI
Yes, but-
EMILY
You need to put your foot down and put a stop to this right now, even if it means that you two won't be the best of friends for a while.
LORELAI
Stay out of this, Mom. It's none of your business.
EMILY
My granddaughter's well-being certainly is my business. If you think I'm going to sit back and watch Rory gallivant around-
LORELAI
First of all, Rory doesn't gallivant. Second of all, she is my daughter, not yours, so you have no say in this.
EMILY
You're just going to sit back and let her see whoever she wants and do whatever she wants?
LORELAI
And do whoever she wants.
EMILY
Don't be crude.
LORELAI
In fact, I think she's got the football team lined up next week.
RORY
Swim team, actually.
EMILY
Don't make light of this, Lorelai.
LORELAI
I'm not. I'm trying to be reasonable about it. You of all people should know that I can't stop them from seeing each other.
EMILY
Of course you can.
LORELAI
No, I can't. They like each other and will continue to see each other no matter what I say.
EMILY
Why don't you just pretend that you like him?
LORELAI
What?
EMILY
Whenever I like one of the men you date, that always seems to be the kiss of death for the relationship.
LORELAI
I'll keep that in mind.
EMILY
I can't believe you're just going to let her go out with that boy.
RORY
Let me? Grandma, I'm old enough to make my own decisions about who I date.
EMILY
Well, excuse me for worrying about your well-being, but I've been down this path before with your mother and I don't want you following in her footsteps.
LORELAI
Rory isn't me, Mom.
EMILY
Thank heavens for that.
RORY
Grandma!
EMILY
I just meant-
LORELAI
I know what you meant.
EMILY
I don't want Rory throwing away her future on some boy.
RORY
Give me a little credit, would you? What have I ever done to make you think I'd let something like that happen?
EMILY
Well... nothing, but-
RORY
But nothing. I'm dating Jess and that's the end of it.
There is a long, awkward silence while they continue to eat. After a few moments, Lorelai begins softly singing "The Sounds of Silence."
LORELAI
(singing)
Hello, darkness, my old friend.
Continued silence. Lorelai glances back and forth between Rory and Emily. She sings a little more.
LORELAI
(singing)
I've come to talk with you a-
EMILY
Lorelai, stop that.
(to Rory)
I think you're making a very big mistake dating this boy.
RORY
You don't even know him!
EMILY
I know enough.
RORY
No, you don't. All you know is what Mom said about him and that was a long time ago. I don't think you've ever even talked to him and you've already made up your mind not to like him and that's not right.
EMILY
(beat)
You're right.
RORY
I am?
EMILY
Yes. By all means, let's get to know the wonderful person that is Jess.
LORELAI
Uh-oh.
EMILY
Why don't you bring him to dinner next week so we can become better acquainted?
RORY
I don't think that's such a good idea.
LORELAI
In fact, it's really, really not a good idea.
EMILY
Of course it is. You just said yourself that I shouldn't make any judgments until I get to know him.
RORY
I didn't mean that-
EMILY
No, Rory, you were absolutely right. So, it's settled then. Jess will be joining us for dinner next week.
Rory and Lorelai are stunned. Rory looks hopefully at Lorelai, but Lorelai gestures helplessly.
EMILY (cont'd)
Your grandfather will be home next Friday, so he can get to know Jess, too. Won't that be nice?
Rory and Lorelai look worried and stab at their dinner with their forks.
INT. LORELAI'S JEEP
Lorelai and Rory are driving home from dinner.
RORY
I can't believe you couldn't think of some reason why Jess shouldn't come to dinner.
LORELAI
Sorry, I froze.
RORY
I think you froze on purpose.
LORELAI
I did not.
RORY
You wouldn't help me out this one time because it's Jess and you like to see Jess suffer.
LORELAI
True as that may be, you know that when Nurse Ratched makes up her mind about something, it's best not to argue with her.
RORY
I know, but we haven't even been going out that long. Dean and I were going out much longer before he came to dinner and you saw how they acted when he was there. Imagine what it's going to be like with Jess.
LORELAI
It ain't gonna be pretty.
RORY
I'm afraid.
LORELAI
It's going to be quite a show. I'll be bringing some popcorn and Twizzlers. I might even bring my 3-D glasses I got from Jaws 3 so I can get the full effect when either she or Dad snaps his head off.
RORY
You're enjoying this.
LORELAI
No, I'm not. Well, maybe a little.
RORY
You know they're going to be terrible to him and you can't wait.
LORELAI
Look, you've been dating for a while now and it doesn't look like you'll be ending it anytime soon-
RORY
Much to your disappointment.
LORELAI
The point is you need to suck it up and bring Jess to dinner.
RORY
I guess you're right.
LORELAI
Of course I am. Think of the bright side. It'll be a nice change of pace to have them focus their beady little eyes on someone else besides me.
RORY
You always manage to find the silver lining.
LORELAI
It's a gift.
END OF ACT ONE
***************
ACT TWO
EXT. STARS HOLLOW
Rory and Jess are kissing outside. Taylor and Kirk are walking up the sidewalk.
TAYLOR
Kirk, for the last time, the rent is $1,000 a month.
KIRK
I'll give you $400 for it.
TAYLOR
This is not at a flea market where you can bargain the price down. Rent is non-negotiable.
Kirk and Taylor pass Rory and Jess, who are still kissing. Jess' hands are roaming all over Rory's back.
TAYLOR (cont'd)
(to Jess and Rory)
Excuse me! This is not the red light district of Stars Hollow.
Rory and Jess stop kissing. Rory is embarrassed, Jess is amused.
RORY
Sorry, Taylor.
JESS
Won't happen again.
Kirk and Taylor keep walking.
KIRK
What if I do odds and ends around the building? Can the rent be lowered then?
TAYLOR
Kirk!
Kirk and Taylor walk out of earshot.
RORY
So, there's something I needed to talk to you about.
JESS
Shoot.
LANE (O.S.)
Rory, hi!
Lane walks up to Jess and Rory.
RORY
Hey, Lane.
LANE
I tried calling you before, but you weren't around. What are you up to today?
RORY
Not much. I was just about to meet Mom for lunch. Want to join us?
LANE
I can't. I have to help my mom out with inventory at the store.
RORY
We're going to rent some movies later if you want to come over to watch.
LANE
(glances at Jess)
I probably won't be done in time.
RORY
Oh. Okay.
LANE
I'll see you later.
RORY
See ya.
Lane walks off.
JESS
Bye, Lane.
Lane glances back.
LANE
Bye.
JESS
Not exactly my number one fan, is she?
RORY
What do you mean?
JESS
That's the fourth time you've asked her to do something with us and she always says no.
RORY
She's just busy.
Jess gives Rory a "yeah, right" look.
JESS
I've got to get to work. I'll call you later for the movies.
RORY
Okay.
Jess and Rory kiss goodbye.
INT. LUKE'S DINER
Rory walks in and joins Lorelai.
LORELAI
So, what did Jess say about dinner?
RORY
Oh, we got interrupted. I'll ask him tonight.
A pretty woman enters the diner. Luke comes out from the back. He looks surprised to see the woman.
LUKE
Hi.
NICOLE
Hi. I hope it was okay that I dropped by.
LUKE
No, it's fine. I'm glad you did.
(beat)
Let me introduce you to some friends of mine. Nicole Vaupen, this is Lorelai and Rory Gilmore.
RORY
Hi.
NICOLE
Hi. It's nice to meet you.
LORELAI
Nice to meet you, too.
(beat)
So, you're Taylor's lawyer?
NICOLE
Yes. In fact, I've got a meeting with him in a few minutes. I don't know why, but he wanted me to be here while he signs a lease agreement with a new tenant. He seems a little concerned about the guy that's moving in.
LUKE
He should be.
Nicole looks confused.
LORELAI
We know the guy that's moving in.
LUKE
Can I get you anything?
NICOLE
Some tea to go would be great.
LUKE
Coming right up.
LORELAI
Tea, huh? Are you as anti-coffee as Luke?
NICOLE
No. Actually, I love coffee, but I try to limit my intake to one cup a day or else I'd be drinking it constantly. How about you?
LORELAI
I try to limit myself to one or two cups... an hour.
LUKE
On a slow day.
Luke hands Nicole her tea.
LUKE (cont'd)
Here you go.
NICOLE
Great, thanks. So, are we still on for tonight?
LUKE
Yep.
NICOLE
Great. I'll see you later.
(to Lorelai and Rory)
It was really nice to meet you both.
LORELAI
Same here.
RORY
Bye.
LUKE
I'll walk you out.
Luke walks Nicole outside.
RORY
She seems nice.
LORELAI
Yes, she does.
RORY
They make a cute couple.
Lorelai looks bothered by this. Luke walks back in.
LORELAI
Nicole seems very nice.
LUKE
She is.
RORY
We give her two thumbs up.
LUKE
Good to know. So, what can I get for you?
LORELAI
Free legal advice?
LUKE
Dream on.
INT. KIM'S ANTIQUES
Rory walks into the store.
RORY
Hi, Mrs. Kim. Can I talk to Lane for a minute?
MRS. KIM
Lane is working.
RORY
I know, it'll just be a minute.
MRS. KIM
Lane! Rory's here.
Lane walks in.
LANE
Hey.
RORY
Hey.
LANE
What are you doing here?
RORY
I just thought I'd come by and say hi.
LANE
I thought you were spending the day with Jess.
RORY
No, I said we were watching a movie later.
LANE
Oh. Well, it was nice of you to squeeze me into your busy schedule.
RORY
(annoyed)
Can we talk outside?
Lane looks to make sure that her mother isn't around and then they walk out the front door.
EXT. STARS HOLLOW - CONTINUOUS
Rory and Lane walk out the Kim's front door and walk to the sidewalk.
RORY (cont'd)
(angry)
What is your problem?
LANE
I don't have a problem.
RORY
Yes, you do. You've been acting really weird lately.
LANE
I'm surprised you noticed.
RORY
What's that supposed to mean?
LANE
We hardly see each other anymore. I'm surprised you could tell the difference between when I'm acting weird or not.
RORY
What are you talking about?
LANE
All you want to do is study or hang out with Jess.
RORY
And all you want to do is play your drums and hang out with Dave, but you don't hear me complaining about it.
LANE
Maybe that's because I still make an effort to spend time with you.
RORY
And I don't?
LANE
No. You're always with Jess now. There's no room for me.
RORY
I'm here now, aren't I? Besides, I don't spend any more time with Jess than I did with Dean. The only difference is that you won't hang out with me and Jess.
LANE
Well, you'll have to excuse me, I'm still getting used to this whole Jess thing. Last I heard you were still in love with Dean, so I'm playing catch up.
RORY
This is about Dean?
LANE
It's about the fact that you had this big crush on Jess while you were going out with Dean and you didn't tell me about it. Why didn't you tell me?
RORY
Because I felt guilty. I was going out with Dean and had feelings for Jess.
LANE
So you kept it from me? What does that say about our friendship?
RORY
It doesn't say anything. You've kept secrets about your life from me, too.
LANE
Like what?
RORY
Remember cheerleading?
LANE
That was different.
RORY
How?
LANE
It just was. Cheerleading wasn't a big deal.
RORY
That's bull. You said you didn't tell me about it because you thought I would think it was lame and make fun of it.
LANE
So you think I think Jess is lame and I'll make fun of him? You're not that far off, actually.
RORY
Jess has never done anything to you. What is your problem with him?
LANE
I don't like him.
RORY
No kidding. Why not?
LANE
He's a jerk.
RORY
No, he's not. I mean, I know he can be sarcastic and he wasn't all that nice to Dean, but that was because he liked me.
LANE
So that makes it okay?
RORY
No, it doesn't, but-
LANE
Dean was so hurt when you two broke up.
RORY
I know that.
LANE
You shouldn't have strung him along all that time if you liked Jess.
RORY
I know. I feel terrible about that.
LANE
I'm sure Jess is happy, though. He got what he wanted.
RORY
Don't blame all of this stuff with Dean on Jess.
LANE
Why not? It was pretty obvious he was interested in you from the start.
RORY
Dean and I would've broken up eventually, Jess or no Jess. I denied it, but my feelings for Dean had changed a long time before we broke up.
LANE
I didn't know that. You never said anything.
RORY
I know. I'm sorry.
LANE
So, you're really into Jess, huh?
RORY
Yeah, I am. I wish you would give him a chance.
LANE
I don't know, Rory.
RORY
If you're not willing to accept that he's my boyfriend now, then we're not going to spend as much time together, and that's going to be your fault, not mine.
LANE
You're not giving me much of a choice here.
RORY
Just give him a chance. I know you'll like him. He's smart and he's totally into music.
LANE
He is?
RORY
Yes. You wouldn't believe his CD collection.
LANE
I guess that's one redeeming trait.
RORY
He's got others, too.
LANE
Like not showing up to the most number of classes without failing out of school?
RORY
Lane!
LANE
Okay.
RORY
Okay, what?
LANE
I know you like him, so I'll give him a chance. I promise.
RORY
Thanks.
LANE
But if he does anything to hurt you or treats you bad, he's going down.
RORY
(smiling)
You promise?
Mrs. Kim walks outside.
MRS. KIM
Lane! Come inside and get back to work.
LANE
I've got to go.
RORY
Are we okay?
LANE
Yeah, we're okay.
Lane and Rory hug and Lane goes back inside.
EXT. STARS HOLLOW - EVENING
Jess, Lorelai, and Rory are walking toward the diner. They see Luke and Nicole standing outside talking. Luke walks her to her car and they continue talking. Lorelai imagines what they're saying to each other.
LORELAI
I had a great time tonight. Me, too. I can't wait to see you again. Me, neither. I'll miss you. I'll miss you, too.
They walk into Luke's. Cesar is working behind the counter.
JESS
People are going to think you're delusional with the way you talk to yourself so much.
RORY
Mom is not delusional, but a few of her other personalities are questionable.
LORELAI
Hi, Cesar. Can we get some coffee, please?
(beat)
What's taking Luke so long? They're going to freeze just standing out there.
JESS
I don't think so.
Jess points out the window. Rory and Lorelai go to the window and look out. Luke and Nicole are leaning against Nicole's car, kissing.
RORY
This is wrong. We shouldn't be watching this.
LORELAI
Why not? They're in public.
RORY
It doesn't feel right.
LORELAI
Oh, please. You two make out in public all the time. I know, because I get daily reports from Taylor.
JESS
We're teenagers. That's what we do.
RORY
I can't take it anymore. It's like watching my dad make out.
Rory and Jess step away from the window.
LORELAI
(still watching)
I see which side of the family Jess gets his roaming hands from.
RORY
Should I run home and get our video camera?
LORELAI
Shh!
JESS
They can't hear us in here.
LORELAI
Shh!
(beat)
Whoa!
RORY
What?
LORELAI
Nothing. I just hadn't realized Luke was a butt man, that's all.
Jess and Rory look at each other and then run back to the window.
RORY
(beat)
We shouldn't be watching this.
CUT TO:
Luke and Nicole finish kissing. Nicole opens her door and gets inside and drives off. Luke waves and watches her go, then walks back towards the diner. Jess, Rory, and Lorelai jump away from the window. Luke walks into the diner.
LUKE
Hey.
RORY, LORELAI, JESS
Hey.
LORELAI
How was dinner?
LUKE
Fine.
RORY
Just fine?
LUKE
I'm not really into fancy restaurants, but it ended up all right.
LORELAI
(snorts)
No kidding.
LUKE
What?
LORELAI
Nothing.
LUKE
I swear, you're here more than I am. Don't you ever go home?
LORELAI
I used to enjoy the company.
Lorelai stands up and grabs her coat.
LORELAI (cont'd)
Let's go, Rory. We know where we're not wanted.
RORY
No, we don't.
LORELAI
Rory!
RORY
I'm sorry. I want some coffee.
LUKE
Sit down, drama queen.
Lorelai sits back down.
LORELAI
I'm sitting down, but under protest.
LUKE
The coffee's on the house.
LORELAI
Protest over.
Lorelai and Rory sip their coffee.
END OF ACT TWO
***************
ACT THREE
INT. LUKE'S DINER - MORNING
Lorelai and Rory walk into the diner and sit down at a table.
LORELAI
So, did you get a chance to talk with Jess?
RORY
About what?
LORELAI
About how long he thinks it will be before the Caroline Rhea show is canceled.
(beat)
I can't believe you still haven't asked him about Friday.
RORY
I haven't had a chance.
LORELAI
What are you talking about? You've had a million chances.
RORY
I know, I know. I'm going to ask him.
LORELAI
When?
RORY
Soon.
Jess walks into the diner and walks over to their table.
LORELAI
Now.
Jess sits down.
JESS
Now what?
LORELAI
I have to...
(picks up her spoon)
Get a new spoon. Now.
JESS
Why?
Lorelai drops it on the ground.
LORELAI
It's dirty.
Lorelai picks up the spoon and walks over to the counter.
RORY
So, um, what are you doing Friday night?
JESS
Nothing. I mean, working here, but nothing. Why?
RORY
I don't suppose there's any way you could get out of work, is there?
JESS
I guess, but don't you have dinner with your grandparents on Fridays?
RORY
Um... yeah, I do.
JESS
So why wouldn't I work?
RORY
Because... you'd be having dinner with me.
JESS
With you... and your grandparents?
RORY
And my mom. Yes.
JESS
I don't know if that's such a good idea.
RORY
I know, I'm sorry. I tried to get out of it, but my grandmother insisted, and I couldn't think of an excuse, and my mom hung me out to dry. She claims she couldn't think of a reason why you couldn't make it, but I don't know if I believe her-
JESS
It's okay.
RORY
Believe me, I don't want you there, either.
JESS
Gee, thanks.
RORY
No, I don't mean it like that. I just meant that you don't know what they're like. They're brutal.
JESS
I can handle it.
RORY
We can tell them that you're sick, or that you're working, or that you've moved back to New York.
JESS
Rory, it's okay. I'll go.
RORY
You will?
Lorelai walks back to the table.
JESS (cont'd)
Yes. Let's just do it and get it over with.
LORELAI
(reminiscing)
Oh, yeah... that brings back some high school memories. Good times, good times.
RORY
I think we can file that under the too much information category.
LORELAI
So, I take it you're joining us for dinner on Friday?
JESS
Looks that way.
RORY
I gave him every opportunity to back out and he didn't take me up on it.
Luke walks up and pours some coffee.
LORELAI
You had the chance to get out of dinner with my parents and you chose to go anyway?
JESS
Yep.
LORELAI
You know, you might be Gilmore material after all.
LUKE
You're kidding.
LORELAI
Well, Gary Gilmore, but still.
LUKE
You're going to Rory's grandparents for dinner?
JESS
Good news travels fast.
Luke starts chuckling.
JESS
What?
LUKE
Nothing.
JESS
Why are you laughing?
LUKE
Oh, man, would I like to be a fly on the wall for that dinner.
JESS
Why?
LUKE
Have you ever met Rory's grandparents?
JESS
I met them at that dinner at the inn a long time ago. I didn't talk to them or anything, but they seemed all right.
LUKE
You know, I almost feel sorry for you.
JESS
I'm glad you find this so amusing, but it's not going to be that bad. It's just dinner.
LORELAI
(laughs)
Just dinner? That's a good one.
LUKE
Do you have anything decent to wear?
JESS
I have to get dressed up?
LORELAI
Ha!
LUKE
Yes, you have to get dressed up. At least, you shouldn't look like you're going to the skate park.
JESS
Fine.
LUKE
You're going to have to be polite to them.
JESS
I know that.
RORY
Good table manners are always a plus.
LORELAI
And not talking with your mouth full.
LUKE
(to Lorelai)
You have to find a way to tape this for me.
JESS
What's the big deal? We'll eat, drink, and make small talk. How bad can it be?
LORELAI
(laughs again)
Ha! You are on fire today.
JESS
What? They're just people.
LORELAI
(Doubles over with laughter)
Stop it. You're killing me.
Jess has had enough of the teasing.
JESS
So, Luke, how's Nicole?
Lorelai stops laughing and turns to Luke.
LORELAI
Yes, Luke, tell us all about your new girlfriend.
JESS
And don't leave anything out.
RORY
We want to hear every detail.
LUKE
Shut up, all of you.
Luke walks off.
RORY
Well, I've gotta get to school.
JESS
Me, too.
RORY
Bye, Mom.
LORELAI
Bye, honey.
Jess and Rory walk out while Kirk walks into the diner.
KIRK
(to Luke and Lorelai)
Good. You're both here. I just wanted to let you know that I decided to get my own apartment. I signed a lease with Taylor and will be moving at the end of the month.
LORELAI
We heard. That was fast. We only talked about this a few days ago. Are you sure you want to do this?
KIRK
Of course. Why? You don't think I should?
LORELAI
I think you should do what you want to do.
KIRK
Well, I want to move.
LORELAI
Then, that's great. Congratulations.
KIRK
Thank you. And since you were instrumental in this decision, I wanted to personally deliver your invitations to my housewarming party.
Kirk hands them his hand-made invitations. There is lots of writing on the invitation. Pieces of string have been glued around the border.
LORELAI
Wow. Fancy invitations. It looks like you spent a lot of time on these.
KIRK
I did.
LORELAI
I especially like the apron string around the border. It's very symbolic, which is always a nice touch.
KIRK
Thanks. That reminds me. I need to do some shopping today. Mom won't let me back in the house without bringing her a new apron.
Luke and Lorelai glance at each other.
LUKE
You actually cut your mother's apron strings to make these?
KIRK
Yes. Everyone else's invitations will just have regular string on them so they'll still get the symbolic effect, but I wanted you guys to have the real thing.
LORELAI
Thanks, Kirk. That's...
LUKE
Disturbing.
LORELAI
I think you may have a typo here. This says your party is two months away.
KIRK
No, that's right. I wanted to give people enough notice so they can take their time shopping for their housewarming gifts.
LUKE
Smart thinking.
LORELAI
And look, you even included a list of acceptable gifts. Linens, dishes, silverware, lamps...
KIRK
For your convenience, the back of the invitation lists the store name, location, pattern, and price for each item on the list.
LORELAI
I get the BYOB reference, but what does BYSFF mean?
KIRK
Bring Your Single Female Friends. I thought that would be obvious. I guess I should have written that part out, but there wasn't a whole lot of room.
LUKE
It's probably best that you didn't.
KIRK
Well, I need to get going. I'll see you later.
LORELAI
Bye, Kirk.
Kirk walks out.
LORELAI
Our little Kirk is growing up.
LUKE
Into what?
LORELAI
I know, this invitation is a little on the creepy side.
EXT. STARS HOLLOW HIGH SCHOOL
Jess is walking out of school. Lane walks out behind him and catches up to him.
LANE
Hey, Jess.
JESS
You're talking to me now? To what do I owe the honor?
LANE
What did you think of that English test? I thought it was hard, but-
JESS
What are you doing?
LANE
Well, my lips are moving and words are coming out in your direction. I think it's called making conversation.
JESS
And why would you do that?
LANE
Good question.
Lane walks off. Jess catches up to her.
JESS
Lane, wait a second.
Lane stops walking.
LANE
What?
JESS
I know you don't like me. When you and Dean are not too busy giving me dirty looks at school, you're ignoring me. Now you're trying to make small talk about English class? I don't get it.
LANE
Look, I know we've had some issues in the past-
JESS
I've never had a problem with you.
LANE
Fine. I've had a problem with you, then.
JESS
So, what is this all about?
LANE
Rory's my best friend.
JESS
I know that.
LANE
Shut up for a second, would you?
Jess nods his head to indicate that he'll be quiet.
LANE (cont'd)
Rory's my best friend and she's going out with you, whether I like it or not. If I don't make some kind of effort to get along with you, that's going to cause problems between Rory and I and you're not worth losing her friendship over.
JESS
Is this you making an effort to be nice? Because I'm really not feeling the warm fuzzies here.
LANE
You're so obnoxious. I don't know what Rory sees in you.
JESS
I don't know what she sees in you, either.
LANE
You know what? Forget I said anything. I don't know why I even bothered.
Lane starts walking away. Jess catches her arm.
JESS
Lane, wait.
(beat)
I'm sorry, okay? You're right. I think we should try to get along, too.
LANE
You do?
JESS
Yeah.
LANE
Okay, then. We'll give it a shot for Rory's sake.
JESS
Okay.
LANE
I guess I'll see you around.
JESS
Yeah, I'll see ya.
Lane walks off.
INT. LUKE'S APARTMENT
Luke is freshly shaved, has a nice haircut, and is dressed in the nice suit that Lorelai had gotten him when he was dating Rachel. There is a knock on the door. Luke opens the door and finds Rory and Lorelai outside.
RORY
Whoa, look at you.
LORELAI
Who died?
LUKE
No one died.
RORY
You look very nice.
LUKE
Thanks. Come on in.
Luke opens the door and Lorelai and Rory walk in.
LUKE
So, tonight's the big night, huh?
LORELAI
Yep. Rory's totally been stressing about it all week.
RORY
I have not.
LUKE
He would never say it, but so has Jess. Of course, I've been bugging him about it the last few days, so it's been fun for me.
LORELAI
You're so mean.
(beat)
Keep up the good work.
Awkward silence.
LUKE
Jess should be right out.
LORELAI
Hot date with the soda dispenser tonight?
LUKE
Something like that.
LORELAI
You better watch your back. The word on the street is the coffee machine gets insanely jealous.
LUKE
I'll take my chances.
More silence.
LORELAI
Is that the outfit I got you?
LUKE
It's a suit, not an outfit.
LORELAI
Fine. Is that the suit I got you?
LUKE
I don't know. Maybe.
RORY
You've got good taste, Mom.
LORELAI
Thank you. I must agree with you.
(to Luke)
I thought you were going to return it.
LUKE
I never got a chance to.
Jess comes out of the bathroom and walks into the living room.
JESS
Hi.
RORY
Hi. You look nice.
JESS
Thanks.
LUKE
Look, Jess, I know we were joking earlier, but let me give you some advice. When you first meet, a firm handshake is key.
LORELAI
But not too firm.
LUKE
Compliment their house.
RORY
And the food.
LUKE
Be polite and keep your mouth shut as much as possible.
LORELAI
Look them in the eye, but don't stare.
RORY
If they ask you about college, change the subject.
LORELAI
If they ask you about religion or politics, change the subject.
JESS
Can I breathe?
LUKE
I wouldn't recommend it.
RORY
You can breathe.
(beat)
Quietly.
JESS
Are they really that bad or are you just trying to make me nervous?
No one answers.
LUKE
(beat)
Good luck.
JESS
Thanks.
LORELAI
I guess we should get going.
Jess, Luke, Lorelai, and Rory walk out of the apartment.
END OF ACT THREE
***************
ACT FOUR
INT. RICHARD AND EMILY'S HOUSE
Richard, Emily, Lorelai, Rory, and Jess are in the dining room. They are all eating in silence.
EMILY
So, Jess, you're from New York?
JESS
Yes.
EMILY
What brought you to Stars Hollow?
JESS
My uncle lives there.
EMILY
You must be very close with your uncle to pick up and leave your home and move here.
JESS
I guess so.
EMILY
Weren't your parents upset that you left them to move in with Luke?
JESS
Not especially.
EMILY
Why not?
JESS
My mom... needed her own space.
EMILY
I see.
RICHARD
What type of work do your parents do?
JESS
My mother is an artist.
RICHARD
And your father?
JESS
I'm not sure.
(beat)
He left a few years ago and I haven't seen him since.
RICHARD
I see.
EMILY
I understand you work at your uncle's diner.
JESS
Yes, I do.
RICHARD
You find that rewarding, do you?
JESS
It pays the bills.
RICHARD
What do you plan on doing after you graduate from high school?
JESS
I haven't decided yet.
RICHARD
No college plans?
JESS
No. Not right now, anyway.
EMILY
You do know that Rory is planning on attending Harvard next year.
JESS
Yes, I do.
RICHARD
Well, if you don't intend to go to college, what are your plans for the future?
JESS
I haven't really given much thought to my long-term plans.
RICHARD
Well, then, what are your short-term plans?
JESS
(beat)
To spend as much time as possible with Rory before she leaves for college.
Emily rolls her eyes.
RICHARD
Seriously, what are your plans?
JESS
I'm totally and completely serious.
LORELAI
(whispers to Rory)
Say Anything. Nice choice.
Rory nods in agreement.
RICHARD
What kind of grades do you make?
JESS
They're okay.
RICHARD
Just okay?
JESS
Good enough for government work.
EMILY
Well, don't worry if your grades aren't good enough for college. I've heard there are some good trade schools in the area.
JESS
Thanks. I'll keep that in mind.
LORELAI
Mom, that's enough.
EMILY
What? There's nothing wrong with going to a trade school, is there?
RORY
Grandma, just because Jess is undecided about what he wants to do and might not go to college doesn't mean anything. He is very smart.
EMILY
Is that why he needed you to tutor him?
Lorelai tries to change the subject.
LORELAI
So, how about that whole Christopher and Sherry having a baby thing?
RORY
He went through a rough patch when he first moved here, but he went to summer school and brought his grades up and lately he's been getting straight A's.
JESS
You don't have to stick up for me.
RICHARD
Well, why didn't you just say so? There's nothing wrong with tooting your own horn, so to speak.
EMILY
Are you planning on having children some day?
JESS
Excuse me?
RORY
Grandma!
RICHARD
That's a perfectly valid question. If you're not going to college, yet plan on continuing to see my granddaughter, how do you propose to properly support a family without a college education?
LORELAI
Mom, Dad, they're in high school. They're deciding whether or not they should rent a limo for the prom. They're not talking about marriage or what they'll be doing 20 years from now or how many kids they intend to have.
RICHARD
I don't understand why he's being so evasive in answering a few simple questions. If he has nothing to hide, then-
JESS
How much money do you make?
Everyone looks stunned.
RORY
Jess!
LORELAI
Um, Jess, are you interested in buying, selling, or processing anything?
RICHARD
(to Jess)
Excuse me?
JESS
How much money do you make?
EMILY
Young man, that is an entirely inappropriate question.
JESS
Why?
EMILY
Rory, do I honestly have to explain to your impertinent friend why he shouldn't ask a question like that?
JESS
Yes, you do.
RICHARD
What I earn is personal and none of your concern.
JESS
So, you don't like being asked personal questions from near strangers?
RICHARD
Of course not.
JESS
Neither do I.
Awkward silence while waiting for Richard's response.
RICHARD
(chuckles)
Point taken.
LORELAI
Unbelievable. If I had asked that, I would have been raked over the coals.
EMILY
Even you have better manners than that.
LORELAI
Thanks, Mom.
RORY
Grandma, you said you wanted to get to know Jess, but you don't. You're just trying to find ways to reinforce the opinion you made of him months ago.
EMILY
That's not true.
LORELAI
Yeah, it is.
RORY
Did you know that Jess reads even more than I do? No, you don't, because you haven't expressed any interest at all in him and finding out what he likes to do.
JESS
Rory, it's okay.
EMILY
Well, I wish I had known earlier that he knows how to read. That changes everything.
RICHARD
That's quite enough, Emily.
EMILY
We should have a parade and throw rose petals at his feet.
LORELAI
Mom, stop it!
RICHARD
Emily, I must agree with Lorelai. You are being extremely rude.
Rory stands up.
RORY
That's it. I've had enough. Grandma, it's obvious your incapable of being civil to Jess, so we're leaving.
JESS
Rory, we don't have to leave.
RORY
Yes, we do. This is ridiculous. You're a guest here and don't deserve to be talked to like this. Mom, can we go, please?
LORELAI
Sure, honey.
Lorelai stands up.
LORELAI (cont'd)
Mom, Dad, as always, it's been a pleasure.
Jess stands up.
JESS
Thank you for dinner.
(beat)
You have a nice house, by the way.
RICHARD
Thank you.
Emily is silent. Rory, Jess, and Lorelai walk out of the living room.
INT. LORELAI'S JEEP
Lorelai, Jess, and Rory are driving back from dinner.
LORELAI
You have a nice house?
JESS
I forgot to say it earlier when we first got there. I don't think I'll be invited back for dinner anytime soon, so I thought I'd throw it out there for the record.
RORY
I told them you were smart.
LORELAI
Ah, another drama filled evening at the Gilmore household. We should start selling tickets.
JESS
It was fine.
RORY
It was not fine. My grandparents were rude, as usual.
LORELAI
If it makes you feel any better, they do that to everyone. That's why they don't have too many repeat customers in that house.
JESS
It really wasn't that bad.
LORELAI
I've got to hand it to you, Jess. You were like Superman, the way the insults were just bouncing off you.
RORY
So, really, what did you think about your first dinner with the Gilmores?
JESS
It really went better than I thought it would. The way everyone was talking, I was expecting some Shakespearean tragedy or something.
RORY
So you want to make it a regular thing?
JESS
I'll pass.
Lorelai pulls up to the diner to drop Jess off.
LORELAI
Well, here we are. Home sweet home.
JESS
Thanks for the ride. I'll see you tomorrow.
Jess and Rory get out of the car. Rory kisses Jess.
RORY
Thank you.
JESS
For what?
RORY
For coming to dinner in the first place and for holding your tongue when you had every reason to get mad. Thank you.
Rory kisses Jess again.
JESS
You're welcome.
Rory gets back in the jeep and she and Lorelai continue home.
RORY
You know how I thought it would be really bad tonight?
LORELAI
Yeah?
RORY
As bad as it was, I think it could have been a lot worse.
LORELAI
I have to admit, I was impressed with how Jess kept his cool. He didn't let them get to him.
RORY
You might want to take notes.
LORELAI
He really cares about you, doesn't he?
RORY
Yeah, he does.
LORELAI
I can't believe he asked dad how much money he made.
RORY
I know.
LORELAI
I was kind of hoping he'd answer.
RORY
Me, too.
INT. LUKE'S DINER - MORNING
Lorelai and Rory are sitting down at a table, eating breakfast. Jess walks over and refills their coffee.
LORELAI
You know, it's nice to have someone just give us coffee without reciting a public service announcement about the dangers of too much caffeine, or telling us our breath smells and our teeth are turning yellow.
RORY
When you put it like that, why do we drink so much coffee?
LORELAI
It tastes good.
RORY
Oh, yeah.
(to Jess)
So, you ready to go?
JESS
I can't go yet. I need to wait for Luke to get back.
LORELAI
Where is he, anyway?
JESS
I don't know.
LORELAI
(surprised)
He didn't come home last night?
JESS
I don't know.
LORELAI
What do you mean, you don't know?
JESS
He wasn't home when I went to bed, Mom. He's always up before I am, though, so I really don't know if he came home or not.
LORELAI
Weren't you concerned when you woke up and didn't know if he came home or not?
JESS
No.
LORELAI
Why not?
JESS
It's Luke. I'm sure he's out being responsible somewhere.
Luke walks into the diner. He's wearing the same clothes from the previous night. He looks a little embarrassed because he know it doesn't look good.
LUKE
Hi.
JESS
(surprised)
Hi.
LORELAI
Where have you been?
LUKE
Out.
LORELAI
All night?
JESS
Weren't those the same clothes you were wearing last night?
RORY
(teasing)
Ooh...
LORELAI
(sing-song)
You're in trouble.
LUKE
I don't want to hear it.
LORELAI
Let me guess. It was late and you were watching a movie and fell asleep.
JESS
No, wait. You had car trouble but had to wait until the morning for a garage to open.
RORY
You could've at least called. We were worried to death.
LORELAI
Well, everyone except Jess, who didn't even notice you were gone.
LUKE
I did call. Twice.
(to Jess)
I left messages on the machine. Where were you?
JESS
Don't try to turn this around on me, young man. We are talking about you.
LUKE
Look, I am a grown man. I do not have to account for my whereabouts. What I do and whom I do it with is none of your business.
LORELAI
(giggles)
He said "do it".
LUKE
Grow up.
JESS
You're testier than usual this morning.
LORELAI
What's the matter? Didn't get enough sleep?
LUKE
Lorelai, stop.
LORELAI
Excuse me for being concerned about your welfare.
LUKE
Why do you care so much about what I was doing last night?
LORELAI
I don't.
LUKE
It seems like you do.
LORELAI
(almost angry)
Well, I don't, so why don't you just finish your walk of shame upstairs, change your clothes, and come back down to relieve Jess so he and Rory can get going.
Rory and Jess give each other a shocked look.
LUKE
(angry)
Finish my what?
LORELAI
You heard me.
LUKE
(to Jess)
Is Cesar here yet?
JESS
Yes.
LUKE
Then you can go now. Just let him know he has to cover me for a few minutes while I get changed, okay?
JESS
Okay.
LUKE
Thanks for opening up.
JESS
No problem.
LUKE
(angry, to Lorelai)
I want to talk to you upstairs.
LORELAI
Can I finish my breakfast first?
LUKE
No.
Luke storms upstairs.
RORY
(sing-song)
You're in trouble.
Lorelai sheepishly follows Luke upstairs.
INT. LUKE'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Luke storms into his apartment. Lorelai follows him in and closes the door.
LUKE
What the hell was that?
LORELAI
Okay, I went a little overboard with the walk of shame comment.
LUKE
You're damn right you did. You have no right to talk to me like that, especially in front of the kids.
LORELAI
I'm sorry.
LUKE
You can't do this, Lorelai.
LORELAI
Do what?
LUKE
Get jealous whenever I'm interested in someone.
LORELAI
I'm not jealous. I'm concerned about how this looks to Jess.
LUKE
Are you kidding me?
LORELAI
No. You've known her, what, two weeks and you're spending the night at her place? What kind of message does that send to Jess?
LUKE
It doesn't send any message because what you think happened last night didn't, and Jess would know that if he ever checked the damn answering machine.
LORELAI
Well, why didn't you just say that?
LUKE
Because it was none of your business what did or didn't happen. You have absolutely no right to question, make comments about, or tell me how to run my personal life.
LORELAI
I'm not telling you how to run your personal life. I'm telling you that you're living with an impressionable teenager that is dating my daughter -
LUKE
Cut the crap, Lorelai. You're not worried about how anything looks to Jess. You're just pissed because I'm not sitting at home pining over you while you date whoever the hell you want to.
LORELAI
What?
LUKE
This whole "You don't want to date me, but you don't want me to date anyone else" game got old a long time ago and I'm not playing it anymore.
LORELAI
I never said I didn't want you to date anyone.
LUKE
Then why are you jealous about Nicole?
LORELAI
I'm not jealous!
LUKE
Fine. Just leave, okay? I've got to get ready for work.
Lorelai starts to walk towards the door and then turns around.
LORELAI
Okay, I admit it.
LUKE
Admit what?
LORELAI
She's smart and pretty and I saw you kissing her the other night and then you spent the night with her and I got jealous, okay? Are you happy now?
LUKE
You've got a boyfriend.
LORELAI
I know that.
LUKE
So, why are you jealous?
LORELAI
I don't know why. It doesn't make any sense because we're just friends.
LUKE
If we were just friends, you wouldn't care that I'm dating someone else!
LORELAI
Why are you so angry?
LUKE
You can't have it both ways. Either we're just friends or we're not, but I can't take this in-between stuff anymore. If you want to go out with me, say so.
Lorelai is silent.
LUKE (cont'd)
That's what I thought.
LORELAI
Our whole relationship would change if we started dating.
LUKE
That's the point, Lorelai.
LORELAI
Can't you understand what I'm worried about? Max and I were engaged and now we don't ever see or talk to each other. I don't want that to happen to us.
LUKE
That wouldn't happen to us.
LORELAI
You don't know that!
LUKE
Neither do you.
LORELAI
Yes, I do. I have a long history with relationships that end badly. If we dated and then broke up, which is probably what would happen because I manage to screw up every relationship I'm in, it would ruin our friendship.
Luke steps up and tenderly cups Lorelai's face in his hands.
LUKE
I can't make you any promises that things would work out between us in the long run, but you have to believe that I will always be your friend... no matter what.
Lorelai is speechless. Luke slides his hands down her arms and holds onto her hands.
LUKE (cont'd)
I'm willing to give us a try if you are.
Lorelai's eyes well up with tears and she slowly shakes her head.
LORELAI
I can't.
Luke lets go of Lorelai's hands and nods resignedly.
LORELAI (cont'd)
I know you believe that we'll always be friends and dating wouldn't change that, but it does. It always does, and I can't take that risk. You mean too much to me.
LUKE
(sighs)
Okay.
LORELAI
Okay?
LUKE
Yeah, okay. I'm not going to beg you to go out with me, Lorelai.
LORELAI
I know. I meant... now what?
LUKE
Now, nothing. We're friends, same as always.
LORELAI
So, we're okay? Things are going to be the same?
LUKE
No, they're not going to be the same. I'm not going to be your crutch or your safety net anymore. I'm not going to wait around for you to change your mind and decide to take a chance with me.
LORELAI
That's fair.
LUKE
I like Nicole and I'm going to keep dating her and you can't act like you did today again. You just can't.
LORELAI
I won't. I promise, I won't make any more jealous-type comments about Nicole or anyone else you date.
LUKE
Okay.
(beat)
I really do have to get ready for work now.
LORELAI
Okay.
(beat)
I'll see you at dinner?
LUKE
I'll be here.
Lorelai walks out of the apartment.
END OF EPISODE