Looking Back to Move Forward
Rating: PG
Pairing: A/O
Summary: SVU
Spoilers: Season 5 Episode 4 Loss; Season 6 Episode 16 Ghost
DISCLAIMER: None of the characters are mine; all of them belong to the powers that be at NBC, oh, and that mysterious mastermind, Dick Wolf.
The photo album lay open on the floor next to the unopened bottle of Glinlivet single malt scotch with a round bottom tumbler alongside it. Olivia had just wanted to look one last time. She knew her partner Elliot's family had multiple albums, including one for each child for the first year of their lives. Olivia remembered that Alex had enough family albums to fill an entire shelf. With that thought, she found herself despondent over the fact that she had just the one. Oh, but the photographs it held. An entire lifetime of people and places she'd contained within it.
Some of her worst memories were stimulated looking at those pages, reminding her of the years of agony and uncertainty with which she had lived every day. Each time she left the apartment she shared with her mother she didn't know what she would return to. A drunken, abusive mother or a loving, considerate one. There were pictures of her alone growing up, mostly the photos provided through the school. Some photos were of Olivia together with her mother if someone else was wielding the camera. These types of photos were few and far between. Only one photo a perfect stranger had captured was displayed in her apartment. It was black and white and she and her mother both had been caught off guard by the stranger. They were looking at each other, heads dipped with their eyes looking up into each others, foreheads almost touching and a wide smile on each of their faces. The stranger had caught them just as they were posing for the picture.
Olivia's childhood had not been all bad. How she knew this, she was uncertain. School, friends, sports and the occasional special teacher had helped make it bearable. When you lead a life filled with abuse, the days flow together, you lose the words said to you, only the feelings those words leave remain etched in your mind. Caverns filled with darkness with the constant drunken reminder of your conception. Sometimes, plateaus containing special achievements. Finally, and only later in life, mountains full of sunlight, filled with the incredible memories of time spent with the woman she loved, Alex.
Glenlivet time. Looking at the tumbler she allowed three fingers worth. Olivia brought the precious liquid to her lips, inhaling its unique scent, making her mouth water. She took the long awaited sip. There was no burn only a gentle warming sensation. She knew how she looked even after only one sip. Content.
Finally, she flipped to the pictures of Alex. Some of her and Alex together. Olivia noticed for the first time that she had not one other picture of a previous boyfriend or girlfriend. She smiled softly. Not one of them had mattered anyway. They only served the purpose of giving her the much needed tools to know what she was looking for in a lover and a mate. They paved the way for her to show and accept unconditional love, something she never learned as a child. To realize where her mates limitations lay and try to be accepting of them, rather than focusing on the negative aspects. And, most importantly, to pay attention to all the little things Alex needed day in and day out.
Alex didn't need the big romantic gestures, the wining and dining and dancing. But more than anything the looks Olivia gave her, filled with love in her eyes whenever she saw her, whether it was first thing in the morning, at the 1-6, in her office, while they made love, before sleep, anywhere and everywhere she could. She always wanted Alex to know she was loved, and Olivia wasn't afraid, but proud to show the world what shined in her eyes.
Alex wore one look in particularly well. Olivia was sad it wasn't something that could be captured on film, but had to remain part of her memories. It was the look Alex gave her when their fingers entwined while making love. Alex would look at their locked hands and then into Olivia's eyes. Always that look conveyed everything they both seemed to be feeling in that moment. The bonded attachment to each other in a way they knew only together could they feel. No one else would ever receive that particular look from Alex. Of that, Olivia was sure. It was like a clandestine glimpse. A gift from Alex just for her.
There were pictures in the album of both of them together in the apartment, at various locales across the city, photos with their friends and Alex's family. One page held a picture of them together and was taken by a professional photographer for their engagement photo. On the opposite page were the proofs. Some of the proofs, she thought, were better than the photograph they actually chose (or rather Alex's' mom chose), she thought as she continued to sip the luscious amber liquid.
Last were the newspaper photos of Alex with the slain ADA headings. That was the end of the book. Olivia closed it. She leaned back against the wall.
She thought of all the time since the events since the night Alex was shot, to the meeting with Hammond as they moved Alex into the WPP, the months of devastating loneliness only able to share the true nature of her loss with Elliot. Alex's return for Liam Conner's trial, filling her with hope of time spent alone. Only when that time came, to have that same hope dashed, learning that Alex really did have a new life as Emily. Emily had a boyfriend and it was obvious to Olivia that they were intimate without Alex even having to reaffirm it. Her body language had told Olivia everything she needed to know. The only things she really wanted to know, but never had the courage to ask, was whether Alex was happy. Did Emily have a good life? Friends she could rely on, co-workers she went with for drinks to chase away the week's mundane existence. She didn't care whether Alex loved this man, she didn't want to know. She did, however, want to know whether he loved her and treated her the way she deserved to be treated. When Alex left without a word, her heart shattered into pieces feeling tossed aside like rubbish and not knowing the answers to those simple questions. She felt that she truly and finally had lost Alex forever.
She physically shook with the memory of that moment. But she remembered a specific moment looking back over their time together. She knew no one would ever replace Alex in her heart, but in order for her to survive and have any shot of living the shell of a life she had to maintain, she realized she would have to look back and draw on all the strength of her time with Alex to move forward. She knew she never wanted to date and share that kind of intimacy again, she knew herself well enough to know that would only make things to confusing for both her head and her heart. Olivia still loved Alex and always would regardless of distance, time and even reciprocation. She still had Elliott to rely on when she needed him and he helped her through some of the roughest times in her adult life. She decided she would look back to move forward with her life. And with that thought and more determination than she knew she had in her, she did just that.
Olivia finished the tumbler. She put the photo album in the top of the semi-empty box next to her. She sealed and labeled it. She rinsed out her tumbler and threw that in a kitchen box wrapping it in newspaper. She glanced at her Breitling watch, seeing she had just a few more minutes to look around. She looked around her apartment; she looked out its windows, memorizing the views. Only a few boxes remained to move.
Alex was back, Velez' empire overthrown. Alex and Olivia had finally been able to move from engaged to married with a lot of bumps in the road. The in-vitro took the first time. Alex was now heavy (and bitchy) with child. That was how long it had taken them to find an appropriate apartment. Alex and Olivia had been living there preparing things for the arrival of little Cabot-Benson. Olivia the procrastinator was the last to end her month-to-month lease and move what little was left in her apartment to their new home.
Elliot knocked on the door, punctual as usual, with a huge grin on his face. No words needed to be spoken between them. The two of them hefted the last of the boxes to his waiting car. Olivia took the steps up one last time to put her keys on the counter in the kitchen along with the bottle of Glinlivet for the landlord. As they pulled away from the parking space Olivia took one look back at her old building and neighborhood. She then turned and faced forward anxiously awaiting all that life held for her and her family. She especially wanted a look at the new photo album they had begun together, grateful tears gracefully sliding down her face.
The End