Sam sprawled in the motel room armchair, covering his eyes with one hand. He thumped the other hand rhythmically on the arm of the chair, frustrated. No matter what he did, learning to exorcise demons with his mind was proving slow, hard work. And painful. Every time he tried, he ended up with a blinding headache. He had failed again, dammit.
He had succeeded a few times. The first time, when his headache finally subsided, he had leaped off the bed, picked Ruby up and twirled her around their motel room like a merry-go-round, laughing triumphantly. And then they had fallen back onto the bed, and she had kissed him fiercely, eyes glowing with pride.
"I knew you could do it, Sammy," she murmured. And then they had had wild, passionate sex-on the bed, on the floor, up against the bathroom vanity...Afterwards, they had splurged on an expensive dinner at a fancy restaurant, laughing gleefully, drinking champagne, sharing a decadent dessert.
But that was then. This was now. It wasn't working well. Half the time, he couldn't even get the demon to cough up any smoke at all.
They were both getting frustrated.
And then Ruby had brought up the demon blood thing. Again.
"Sam. You need to try it. It'll work!" She was sitting on the bed next to the armchair, dark eyes soft and sympathetic. "I know it freaks you out-"
He interrupted her.
"Freaks me out?! Damn right it freaks me out, Ruby! It's like...like...being a vampire, dammit! I don't...ugh, I can barely even say it...I can't drink blood!"
She just sat there, not saying anything.
"No matter how much easier it makes things. I just...I can't."
"Just try it, Sammy. Just once. See how it goes."
"Y'know what?" He thumped the chair arm again, with anger. He bit his lip and glared at her. "You sound like a damned pusher."
"Sam-!" She sounded hurt. She looked down at the bedspread, absently smoothing it out with one hand. "I just...I just want to help you. You want to save people. Rescue them from being ridden by demons. It's just a power booster, that's all. It'll help. And it won't take much. Just a taste, I promise. If we can get it working right, get it consistent-just think how many people you'll be able to save!"
He sat silently, hands flexing into fists repeatedly, not looking at her, furious and creeped out and...
...tempted. Oh, God!
"And you can't kill Lilith if you don't have control over it. She'll squash you like a bug."
Lilith. Oh, how he wanted to get Lilith. So, so badly.
He hung his head, gritted his teeth, clenched his fists. Ruby said nothing.
"Just a little...?" He glanced at her suspiciously. She looked him straight in the eyes.
"Just a taste, Sammy. I swear."
He slammed his fists against his thighs and sat up straight, mind made up. He glared at her, but really, whose choice was it? She wasn't forcing him. And if it helped him control this wild talent, save people, kill Lilith...
He drew a shuddering breath, shook a trembling finger at her. "Once. Just once."
Ruby dipped her head in agreement, with a tiny smile. "Just once."
She took out her knife, cut a small scratch on her fingertip, watched the drop of blood ooze out. She angled her eyes at him, worried.
"Are you sure?"
"Dammit, yes! Just do it!"
She leaned forward, and slowly wiped her bloody finger over his tongue.
He licked Ruby's finger. Sucked it, actually. Letting it be somewhat sensual was a way of forgetting what he was doing. Except, of course, it wasn't working: he was tasting someone else's blood-a demon's blood-for the express purpose of trying to boost his freak psychic powers. It gave him a sick, dirty feeling.
She pulled her arm away and sat back on the bed, watching him closely.
He waited a few minutes. Nothing seemed different. Finally, it hit him: how could he know if it was working if he didn't have a demon to try it out on?
"Ruby..." he said, his voice quiet. "Why did we do this without a demon handy?"
Ruby's eyes widened in shock. "Oh, God. Oh, Sam. Sam, I didn't even think-I was just so glad you were willing to try it-Sam, I'm sorry, oh, lord, I screwed up, and it's all my fault-". She bit her lip and hunched her shoulders, her long, dark hair falling about her face like a veil, her face shadowed. "Damn."
He listened to her babbling, and part of him was darkly amused. Another part was angry. He didn't trust her. He didn't know what the catch was, but there had to be one, aside from the obvious linkage of blood and dark spellwork, blood sucking and vampirism, the deep suspicion that this was a seemingly small step down a dark, dark path. Here he was-he had geared himself up to try it, knowing in his heart that it couldn't be a good thing, and they couldn't even know if it had worked.
"So you don't...feel anything? It doesn't feel...different?" she asked.
"Nothing. Not one God-damned thing, Ruby. I feel exactly the same."
She frowned, puzzled. "You must feel something!"
"Nope. Maybe it doesn't work after all." And what a blessed-literally-relief that would be. A step back from the moral precipice. God, what was he thinking?! Drinking someone else's blood, any kind of blood, for power had to be dark, if not outright evil. Using your own in spellwork was one thing, but even then it was slightly...off. The spells that used blood were spells of power over someone else: conjurations, summoning ghosts or demons against their will. Or banishments, which, technically, were also against the banish-ee's will.
But still. Expelling demons, saving the humans they were using as meat suits...being able to banish Lilith back to the depths of Hell, or possibly even kill her. If he was honest with himself, he knew that it was the second one that really drove him. She was the one who had held Dean's contract, she was the reason Dean had been ripped to shreds by hellhounds in front of him, she was why he had had to hold Dean's bloody body, watch the light in his eyes flicker and go out, why he had to bury his only brother, the last part of his family. Why his heart felt empty these days. Why it was so easy to let anger guide him. Why he still had a reason to live.
"Maybe you need more than just a drop," Ruby suggested. "This is all theory. I only found it in those ancient books, I don't know of anyone-anything-alive that has tried it. We're flying blind here, Sammy. I just know that those old passages that talked about it, the writers were sure it worked...they just didn't give any details."
"More," he said sardonically, looking at her through narrowed, suspicious eyes. "What happened to 'Just a taste, Sammy. I swear.'?"
"Sam. I'm sorry. I really thought one drop would do. And maybe it did-we just don't know! We need to trap another demon, try it again."
"Again," he repeated evenly, expressionless. "Just once. Wasn't that what you said?"
She slid off the bed and knelt between his long legs, leaning on his thighs and looking into his face. "Yes, I know I said that. But we have to know if this really works. You have to really try it. You have to try it, first just one drop, and then, if that doesn't work, try more. Because if it doesn't work, we're so screwed, Sammy, we're royally screwed, and we'll never stop Lilith, stop whatever her plan is, get you payback for Dean. No-one else is strong enough, and we only think you are because Azazel said so. We need to know for sure. Otherwise, you live the rest of your life knowing she's out there and Dean is suffering in Hell and you didn't do anything about it." She drew a deep breath, and continued, "And I spend eternity hiding away, running away from her. She won't forget that I sided with the Winchesters, that I helped you. She won't forgive. So if you're suspicious of why I'm pushing this on you..." She leaned forward, putting hands on either side of Sam's face. "Yes, I have a selfish motive, too. I'm not just doing this out of the goodness of my demonic heart. But I'm being honest with you, Sam."
He covered one of her hands with his, pulled it to his mouth, kissed it. "Okay. We'll try again." Then he pulled her other hand down, guided them both back to rest on his hips, and pulled her face up to his, tangling his hands in her hair, kissing her roughly, deeply, almost angrily. He hated that he felt this need for her touch. She kissed hungrily in return, grinding her body against him. He gasped, moaned, stood up, lifting her up bodily so her legs were straddling his hips, and then they were falling onto the bed, and he could use the physical sensations to forget the gaping hole where his heart should be...for a time.
***
Ruby found him a demon to practice on two days later.
Demons were all different. This one was silent, sullen, shifting suspicious eyes between the two of them. No struggling, no taunts, no threats-just quiet and watchful. Sam immediately chalked him up as dangerous, and planned to keep an eye on him.
You'd think that he should be even more uptight, more conflicted, about trying again. But somehow he wasn't. It was as if, having given in to her persuasion once, the wall of reluctance was broken, gone. He was thinking analytically about it now. If you are diabetic, your pancreas either doesn't make insulin or can't use it properly, so you take insulin, if you are psychic and your psychic powers aren't working properly, then use demon blood to boost it. Done. Nothing was inherently evil: it was what you did with it that made it evil.
He ignored the tiny part of him that shuddered at the rationalizations.
Ruby nicked her finger with the knife; he licked it off.
He settled in front of the demon, reaching out with his hand, reaching out with his mind. And, again, nothing happened.
He looked at Ruby, shook his head. The demon just watched.
"Okay. We try more," Ruby said, her voice shaky. She rolled her sleeve up, placed the edge of her knife blade against the thick part of her forearm, and hesitated. "This is a damn sight easier when you're doing it to someone else. It still hurts, even for demons," she muttered.
"I'll be happy to do it for you," Sam said. The smile on his face was not pleasant.
"No." She took a breath, steadied herself, and sliced deep with the knife. She hissed at the sudden pain. Blood welled up and started dripping. He took a step forward, hesitated, looked at her questioningly. She shrugged and held out the arm.
Think of it like giving her a hickey...
He held her arm with one hand, bent down, and lapped gently. Then he seized her arm with both hands in a punishing grip, lip locked her forearm, and sucked deep. It was warm, salty, sweet. After a few moments, he raised his head, eyes unfocused.
Power.
It rippled through his head, opening pathways he had never seen, felt before. It flowed like red lightning through his body, dancing through his nerves, crackling off his fingertips. They bit deep into Ruby's arm, making her whimper in unexpected pain. It curled through his abdomen, down his legs. He could feel the hair on his body standing up. From inside, he could feel each of the power points of his body flaring. Then it circled around, spread like warm, buzzing tentacles around his groin. He threw his head back and drew his breath in with a long hiss, then expelled it with a soft gasp, feeling the oxygen being carried through his body by his circulating blood.
He could vaguely hear her asking if he felt anything.
Feel anything? He wanted to laugh, to dance, to sing-it made him feel wildly alive, like a thunderstorm crashing overhead, or the waves breaking on a beach, or wind racing through the trees on a mountainside.
When he looked around, he could see webworks of energy sparkling and dancing everywhere...
...and when he turned to look at the demon, he could see it, like never before. Black smoke overlaid the human body, hiding a small gleam of blue-white deep inside. Flashes of red energy sparked through the smoke. All he had to do was pull at one of the red threads...it resisted, and he pulled harder, finally yanking with all his strength, and the smoke came pouring out, slithering down like an oil slick to pool on the floor. He could see the cracks in the world, find the one that if he twisted just right, opened a pathway to the realm of Hell. He did it, and pushed the dark smoke through, then twisted again to close the crack.
It was...amazing. Thrilling. Powerful. He felt invincible.
Why had he waited so long to try it?
He closed his eyes, shutting out the otherworldly view, then opened them again, and focused on "reality".
Ruby was watching him with narrowed eyes and a small smile. "You felt something," she said.
He laughed softly, disbelieving. "Oh, yeah. I felt...something. How long does it last?" He was already calculating how he could walk the world like an avenging angel, tracking down demons, sending them back to the inferno where they belonged...
"I don't know. Not too long, I think," she added. He frowned at that snippet, then shrugged.
"Then we'll do it again. And then we'll find Lilith. And I'll yank her out and put her down like the hellhound she is." His voice was soft and firm and vengeful.
"Whoa, whoa there, buckaroo!" She laughed. "That was just a teeny tiny low-level minion you flushed out-Lilith is a whole other matter. You need to practice, we need to try stronger demons, see if it's as easy with them as it was with this one-"
"I said, we'll do it again. And again and again and again, until we're sure." If he could have seen himself, he might have paused. He stood tall, all coiled, pent-up, angry energy, and his eyes were dark and shadowed.
She stepped forward and ran a soft hand along his strong jawline, then placed it firmly on his chest. He covered it with one of his and held it there curled against his heart. She smiled triumphantly at him. "Yes. Yes, we'll do that, Sammy."
***
The other-sight started fading in two days. By the third day, he was antsy, striding like a caged animal around the abandoned warehouse, waiting for Ruby to bring him another demon.
On the fourth day, he begged her, with a voice that he struggled to keep from trembling, to cut her arm again, let him drink her blood, give him that thrilling, invincible feeling again. He was starting to realize just what the downside was.
But it was worth it. So worth it.