The Great Twilight Spoof: A hilarious Tribute to Hellsing and Twilight

Disclaimer: Hellsing and Twilight are the property of Kohta Hirano and Stephanie Meyer. This is purely a non-profit endeavor.

Forks, Washington State

Bella Swan sat in her room, thoroughly depressed. Edward Cullen, the love of her whole entire friggin life was gone. He'd left because he was concerned for Bella's safety. He believed that if he left her, then she'd stop being the target of every vampire from here to London.

It didn't really matter; it hurt to even think about Edward. Bella felt as if there were a giant hole in her chest. She was still breathing but she didn't know why. For a brief moment, she thought to herself, "At least things can't get any worse."

Rome, Alexander Anderson's home

"Well surprise, surprise!" Anderson bellowed out.

Without a doubt, this was probably the worst date that Edward had ever been on. Ever since he left Bella, he'd been a broken wreck, merely a shell of his former self. His family had done everything in their power to try and cheer him up but everything had failed.

Emmet had the idea for Edward to start dating, to try and help him forget . . . her. Emmet had told him, "C'mon Edward, there's more than one piece of ass at the sexy farm."

Dating however had only made the pain worse. Edward always found himself negatively comparing these women to Bella. On his previous date he'd lost it and punched the girl's lights out with a solid right hook.

Recently Emmet had set him up on a date with somebody named Alex. Edward had assumed that Alex was short for Alexandra. Things turned out different from what Edward expected. It appeared that Alex was actually short for Alexander Anderson.

Now the two of them were sitting in bed naked because Edward was too afraid to say no to Anderson.

Unlike Edward, Anderson was having a heap of fun. He was in bed with an extremely sexy vampire boy whose body was seventeen years old. Luckily enough, Anderson's favorite age fore the boys was seventeen. Standing right next to the bed was three tables full of sumptuous food; as a regenerator Anderson's appetite was enormous.

Anderson boasted to Edward while clutching his fiftieth chicken drumstick, "Look at tha' now, huh." Anderson began to flex his muscles for Edward's benefit, "Ah'm dead sexy, look at mah sexy boday."

Edward nodded and smiled politely at Anderson's pectorals which were jumping to the tune of the Can-can.

Anderson went on, "Oh, ah'm a real singer." The seven foot Scotsman began to sing, "Sexy man, sexy man. Slayin' vamps like a sexy man can!"

Edward really wanted to go home. This really sucked; it sucked worse than anything else that he'd ever experienced. Did Emmet think that because he liked classical music and designer clothing he like men? As a human teenager, Edward had come across some doubts about his heterosexuality. But here with a giant naked man next to him, Edward had no doubts that he never wanted to see another naked man again.

Anderson continued with his story, "So Maxwell says to me, 'Anderson, hold yer urges in check, yer a walkin lawsuit waiting ta happen.' Can ye believe tha' bunk?"

Anderson didn't wait for a response from the pretty boy; he popped the entire chicken drumstick into his mouth and began to chew the whole thing; bones, cartilage, meat and all. "So ah said this ta Maxwell: Mr. Greasy-Italian-pedophile is tellin me to control ma urges. Oh, ah'm a lawsuit he says. Well, listen up sonny Jim, AH ETE A BABY!"

Edward's eyes widened, he knew that Anderson was a freak, but he never would have guessed how much of a freak he was.

"Oh aye, baby! THE OTHER, OTHER WHITE MEAT. BABY, IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER!"

Edward needed to get out of here now.

Anderson turned and smiled at his would be lover, "By the way, are ye hungry? Because the neighbor's dog keeps barkin and he won't shut up. Ye can eat him if ye like, ye can even eat the neighbor if ye like."

"No thank you."

Anderson shrugged, "Alright then." He rolled over and swallowed his chicken drumstick. Immediately he began to look over his homemade buffet for something good to eat. As Anderson rummaged, Edward began to reach for his pants. To Edward's misfortune, the cell phone fell out of the side pocket.

Anderson surveyed his feast, pausing only to take a bite of fried midget, which was almost like a baby.

The cell phone landed in the covers right next to Alexander Anderson's rock hard ass. Edward moved to grab the phone and quite by accident, Anderson's hips shifted and Edward ended up touching Alexander's butt with his ice cold hand.

Anderson jolted in bed from Edward's cold touch, but immediately he began to smile, "Ooooh, frisky are we?" Anderson quickly rolled on top of Edward, throwing the covers aside as he did, "Give it up, lad!"

Edward screamed before Anderson's Red Army invaded his Berlin. Edward tried to ignore the rectal pain by imagining how he was going to get his revenge on Emmet. Light Emmet on fire, throw Rosalie into a Kevlar bag and beat her with a pipe, take a urine sample from Jacob Black and throw it all over Emmet's favorite shirt or set up Emmet on a date with Anderson; all of those things sounded like great options for revenge.

Anderson mistook Edward's struggles to get free for playing hard to get. The rectal pain increased and Edward found himself thinking of Bella. For the first time in months, it didn't hurt to think of Bella.

Milan, fancy hotel, steam room

Jasper Cullen had run all the way to Milan to try and get away from Edward's pissy emotions. He was an empathy, he could manipulate emotions, but he also felt other people's emotions.

So, it was going to be really nice to be around some positive emotion for once. He was sitting in the steam room naked; he and his wife Alice had booked it all for themselves. He was naked and Alice was nearly done changing into her invisible bikini. She'd be along any minute with her delicate, sexy self.

Little did he realize that there was a mist creeping under the door and it wasn't steam.

Suddenly a dark and sinister voice cut through the dim environment of the steam room, "Your wife is temporarily incapacitated."

Jasper shot up, looking at the stranger in the steam room. "What? Who the hell are you!"

Alucard said to Jasper, "You can call me Drac, your wife's fine. I was sent here to see if the meat is the right temperature."

And he jumped on Jasper and began to rape him. Yup, it was a good night for Alucard. Alice would wake up from the hypnotic slumber in fifteen minutes and find her darling husband a little well used.

Some days it was good to be Nosferatu.

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Peace, love and prosperity to you all.

Master of the Boot