Steve woke slowly, lulled into consciousness with the feeling that something was wrong. Bucky was curled up next to him, his back warm pressed up against Steve's chest, his breathing deep and peaceful. Bucky wasn't having a nightmare; he hadn't had one in a few months. Still half asleep, Steve reached out an arm behind him, searching for Tony's warmth. Instead, he found cold, empty sheets.
Steve jerked upright, propping himself up on his elbow and glancing over at the empty spot where Tony slept, as if he expected his lover to just suddenly materialize. Obviously, he didn't, and Steve frowned.
"What is it, darlin'?" Bucky murmured sleepily, and Steve swallowed against the lump in his throat. This wasn't the first time Tony had disappeared on him in the middle of the night, and he was sure it wasn't going to be the last. But that didn't stop him from worrying every time. Usually, when Tony left, there was a reason.
"He's gone," Steve answered. There was a pause, and then Bucky sat up, instantly alert. His eyes flickered over the empty spot, flashing with concern. His mouth opened, then closed.
"Well," Bucky eventually reasoned, letting out a gust of air. "He did seem kind of… off yesterday. I knew we should have sandwiched him in." Steve had to agree; sometimes, when Tony would have a bad day, or he would feel unloved, Steve and Bucky made what Tony called "a super soldier sandwich" which was basically when they had Tony sleep between them so he couldn't get out of bed unnoticed. But Tony had assured them that he was fine. Steve was dumb for believing him, as Tony was extremely practiced in hiding his emotions.
"I'll go find him," Steve sighed. Bucky hummed in agreement, and settled back into the bed with a smirk.
"Bring him back here for snuggles," he ordered, and a mischievous glint entered his eyes. "If he resists, give me a holler. I'll immobilize him with my sexy charms." Bucky waggled his eyebrows suggestively. Steve snorted, and couldn't hold back a smile.
"Whatever keeps the tears at bay," he returned, and clapped the ex-soldier on the arm. He stood, trying not to burst out laughing at the outraged look on Bucky's face. He was almost to the door when Bucky regained the ability to speak.
"Yeah, well, at least I don't wear spandex," Bucky shouted. Steve grinned, and shut the door behind him. Out in the hall, he turned to head down to the lab, which is where Tony usually ended up in situations like these. But then he caught sight of his love, standing out on the balcony. He was clad only in a pair of boxers and a black t-shirt. He always preferred to wear black shirts, because they hid the glow of the arc reactor best.
Steve didn't understand why Tony was insecure about that, or any of the other things he was insecure about. He was absolutely gorgeous, for crying out loud! The olive skin, the tousled dark hair, the amber eyes, the lean, muscular frame…and on top of all that, he was the sweetest, funniest, most adorable man in the whole world. Along with Bucky, of course. Steve sometimes wondered how someone like Tony existed.
He took a few steps toward his love, and then paused. It must have been worse than he thought, because Tony's eyes were glistening. He held the mug in his hands so tightly that his knuckles were white, and Steve saw him swallow back tears. His heart ached in his chest, because the man he loved was in pain.
"Tony?" he asked softly. The engineer didn't turn, but his back stiffened. "Tony, sweetheart, what's wrong?" There was a long pause, and Steve felt his stomach tighten.
"Nothing," Tony ground out, and he finally turned to look at Steve. Steve could tell that he was trying to hide it, but his eyes were tortured. "Nothing," he repeated. "I'm fine." Steve took a step closer, his eyebrows pulling together in concern.
"Come on, sweetheart. Talk to me," he implored. "What is it?" Tony didn't respond, but his lips tightened, as if in resolve. "Tony. Whatever it is, you can talk to me about it."
"There isn't an 'it' to talk about," he insisted, his voice empty. Then he smiled the smile that Steve hated. It was the smile he used on the press, and it was the smile that meant he was pulling away from them again.
"I don't have to get Bucky, do I?" Steve sighed, letting some of his frustration leak into his tone. Not frustration at Tony, of course, but frustration that Tony wasn't letting him help. He didn't say it threateningly, and Tony knew that getting Bucky only meant that he had two overly insistent boyfriends bugging him, until he told them what was wrong. But Tony inexplicably flinched when he said Bucky's name. "Wait. What was that?" Tony's pupils were now blown wide, and he shook his head frantically.
"Nothing. What was what?"
"You flinched," Steve insisted. "When I said Bucky's name, you flinched. Are you two fighting or something?" His brain immediately rejected the idea; Bucky had just been laughing with him, requesting snuggle time with Tony. If Bucky harbored any ill will towards Tony, Steve would have noticed.
"No, we're not fighting," Tony muttered, confirming Steve's guess. But that still left the question:
"Then why did you flinch?" Tony grimaced, and turned back out to the balcony, staring out over the city. His chin trembled slightly, and he looked down, seeming to struggle with the words.
"I… did something bad," Tony finally admitted in a whisper. Steve cautiously stepped forward until he was next to his lover on the balcony, and he leaned against the railing.
"Whatever it is, I'm sure we can fix it," Steve tried to reassure him, but the engineer just shook his head.
"No, Steve. It was bad. I fucked up, but I didn't know what else to do," he moaned, and dropped his head into his hands.
"Tell me what happened," Steve suggested, "and then we can figure things out, okay?" Tony was silent for a moment, and he inhaled deeply, shuddering slightly. Steve wanted to hold him, but he knew that Tony wouldn't accept his comfort right then.
"Two nights ago," Tony eventually began softly, "something happened that I didn't tell you about. You were out on that mission, and Bucky and I slept in the bed together like we usually do. But then- then he…hurt me." Steve sucked in a sharp breath, his stomach sinking.
"What?" Steve breathed, and Tony raised his hands in a calming gesture, though his amber eyes were panicked.
"Look, I'm fine, okay? I must have done something to trigger it, but I woke up to him…choking me." Steve was breathing shallowly now, his mind conjuring up the worst images. In the beginning, he had worried so often about what could happen if Bucky lost control, but after so long he hadn't felt the need to worry. Turns out he was wrong.
"Are you okay?" Steve demanded, lifting Tony's head and examining his throat for bruising. Tony slapped his hands away.
"I'm fine," he told Steve a little impatiently. "Loki healed me."
"Loki?" Steve questioned. The Norse god had come to live with them some time ago, because as it turned out he was not in control of himself during and before the battle of New York. He was under the influence of the tesseract, and could therefore not be held accountable. Everyone had fully forgiven him for his actions, including Coulson, who was fortunately not dead.
"Yes, Loki," Tony affirmed quietly. "He was the one who pulled Bucky off of me." Steve blinked, his lips parting.
"Why didn't Bucky tell me?" Steve asked, hurt. "Why didn't you tell me?" Tony grimaced, and Steve realized that there was more to it.
"That's the thing. Bucky was… inconsolable. He was so panicked, I couldn't get him to calm down. He wanted to leave the tower so he couldn't hurt me again. He was scared of what would have happened if Loki hadn't been there. But it wasn't his fault, Steve, you have to understand that!" Tony's voice had risen to a shout, and his eyes were wild. Steve grabbed him by the shoulders, trying to get him to take a breath.
"Tony… what happened?" Steve prodded gently, and Tony swallowed, tears springing to his eyes.
"He hated himself, Steve. He wasn't going to let it go. So I had Loki…" his voice shook, and he paused, bit his lip, regained control before continuing. "I had Loki make him forget." Steve jerked back, thoroughly confused and shocked.
"Forget? What do you mean forget?"
"I mean that he doesn't remember doing it, Steve. I had Loki use his magic to erase the memory," Tony confessed. "I know how bad that is, especially after what HYDRA did to him, but he was so upset, I just…"
"You just thought that my choking you wasn't reason enough for me to leave?" Bucky demanded. Tony whirled, eyes going wide with fear. Bucky stood there, fists clenched at his sides, face hard. But his eyes were horrified.
"Buck-" Steve started, but Tony cut him off.
"Look, I'm sorry, okay?" His voice was not breaking so much as already broken. "I fucked up, I know, but you were just so upset-"
"Me?" Bucky cried, incredulous. "What about you? Tony, I- I hurt you! I could have killed you! How can you even sleep in the same bed knowing what happened?"
"I couldn't." Tony said it so quietly, that even with his super hearing Steve barely heard it. "I couldn't. I was too afraid to fall asleep." Bucky's eyes watered, and Steve knew he heard it, too. Tony was scared of Bucky.
"I have to go," Bucky finally choked out, and he turned to flee the room. Tony surprised Steve by lunging forward and grabbing hold of Bucky's arm, yanking the ex-soldier back.
"No, you don't!" Tony argued fiercely, and Bucky just stared at him in shock. "You lapsed! It happens! And yes, I was scared of you." Bucky flinched at that, and tried to pull away. Tony just pulled him closer, and cupped his cheek gently. "But I was more scared of losing you," he concluded softly. "Which is why you can't leave."
Bucky slowly raised his hand and placed it on top of Tony's. He leaned into the touch, eyes closing. "But what if it happens again?" His voice hitched slightly towards the end, and he swallowed hard. Tony just smiled a small smile.
"It probably will," he admitted, and Bucky opened his eyes to stare at him miserably. "But Steve will be there next time, okay? Maybe this just means that we don't sleep alone in the same bed. So what? You just need more time to recover. Fifty plus years of brainwashing takes time to wear off." Bucky exhaled, and after a brief pause he intertwined their fingers, and kissed the back of Tony's hand.
"If it does happen again, you can't make me forget," he said, a stern edge to his voice. "I need to remember, okay?" Tony nodded eagerly.
"Sure! I can get Loki to give you back the memory if you want. We can talk about it and everything, like adults this time around." Bucky chuckled softly, and Tony smiled up at him brilliantly.
"I love you, you know that?" Bucky whispered. Tony hummed in content, and stretched up on his tippy toes to press a kiss to Bucky's lips.
"I love you too."