My mother would be horrified to know that I'm going to hell. She'd think about all the times we went to church, and had bible studies. She'd wonder where she went wrong in showing me the path to heaven. She'd ask me which sin I committed then make me repent. "Pray to Him. He can save you. He will save you." She'd say.

I think she'd be even more horrified to know that I don't want to be saved. I mean, don't get me wrong I don't want to go to hell, but how can something so good be so bad? How can I ask for forgiveness when I'm can't find it in myself to be sorry?

Ephesians 5:3 says, "Among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity." I remember the first time I touched myself. I was scared. Masturbation is a sin. I was 15 and my hands were shaking at the thought of what I was about to do. I thought about the boy next door as my hand moved roughly up and down on my cock. The boy with black hair and piercings in his face. I thought about his tattoos and how they look good on him. I thought about how it'd feel to have him kiss me, to have him want me. The things he could do to me. I thought about his pretty blue eyes. I kept stroking myself. I remember hearing myself moaning, and how I thrust up into my hand trying to chase the pleasure. I remember crying out when I finally let go, cum covering my stomach.

I also remember that I immediately cleaned myself up, cried, and prayed for forgiveness. It became a bit of a routine. I couldn't help it. The pleasure, the want, was to great. I kept sinning, and God kept forgiving. I don't feel sorry about this anymore. What's wrong with wanting a bit of pleasure?

God says that homosexuality is unnatural, an abomination—a sin. My mother used to say nobody was born gay because God doesn't allow it. She says that they choose to be gay. Leviticus 18:22 says "You shall not lie with a male as with a woman. It is an abomination." We hear that one the most. My mother liked this one: Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death. Their blood shall be upon them." My first gay thought brought me to tears. I thought about how much I'd like to kiss the boy next door, the one with blue eyes. His lips looked so soft and pretty.

I didn't want to be gay. That was a sin. I didn't want to sin. I thought maybe God made a mistake, but my mother said that God never makes mistakes. Was I destined to go to hell then? I didn't choose this. Who in the world would voluntarily choose to be damned to hell? Who would choose to be oppressed and treated like trash? I never told anyone of course. I thought I could change it; become "normal."

That changed when I met Phil Lester. My first (and current) boyfriend. We had become secret friends (My mother wouldn't have approved of his tattoos or piercings.) and I tried to not be gay. I failed of course; you can't deny who you really are. He's the one I thought of when I first touched myself, just three months after meeting him. He's the one that used to bring me to tears. I had hated him for making think those things, for making me feel this way. I hated myself more; for allowing myself to fall. It was no one's fault but my own that I was gay.

Sex before marriage was a big no-no to my mother. "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge and all sexually immoral." Hebrew 13:4. Ironically, I think of this as Phil thrusts into me for the first time. I'm on his lap, legs wrapped around him, hands in his hair, his hands cupping my ass. I couldn't have felt better. I'm trying not to be loud but Phil's kissing my neck and he knows that has always been my weak spot.

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A/N: And we'll stop before we get into the sexy details. I know this is really shitty but it's been so long since I've uploaded something so here's a little treat. I would also like to say that I in no way mean any offense to any religion. I know that most people aren't those stereotypical oppressive fanatics but this was a very badly written scrap of a bigger idea that I wanted to share. I'm sorry if I offend anyone.

03 August, 2017

-Laysi