Call of Duty: Vampire Warfare
There isn't a lot out there that challenges Task Force 141. Made up of the finiest soldiers on the face of the earth, they are the best.
They have fought in every hellhole from Russia to Dick Cheney's asshole. They only get headshots, with them there are no second chances for the enemy.
In the briefing room there was an uneasy mood. Everyone stripped of their briefs and put on special armor plated "SnakeSkin" armor to protect sensitive areas while the general briefed them on the mission.
General informed the men "The Russian Army has been experimenting with some dangerous stuff boys" he said in a thick southern accent (like one guys in Deliverance have). We need you to go in and retreive it. Captain Riley, codename BrownEye, was a typical American soldier whose veins had no blood, only pure, hot patriotism. BrownEye asked the general "Can we get some intelligence sir, how many troops, what is the weapon?"
The general snarled "Son, we dont have any fucking intelligence, that is why I'm sending you! the best i've got" BrownEye understood the severity of the situation The plan called for a helo insertion with fighters providing Hi low low hi mission support.
The boots of the 12 brave men crunched the snow. 2 of the men stayed behind to provide sniper cover while the rest continued toward the onminous gray facility.
Their hitech gear and massive patriotic erections allowed them to get to the main vault. There they found a secret so terrifying their dicks became flaccid and their weapons fell to the ground.
It was weapon only rumored to exist and thought to be atleast a 100 years away from being technologically possible. It was a B.I.T.C.H. Ballistic Inertial Telometric Cruise Hurler.
It is the most hated and feared weapon of all time. Our heroes, if you can call them that, were too suprised by the B.I.T.C.H to know that Russian reinforcments sealed off the base.
The American imcompetent douches were taken prisoners. While being taken prisoner they used morse code to send a message that was picked up by a US spy satellite. Washington now knew of the threat.
In prison Captain Riley, BrownEye, jizzed patriotism on the interrogators and revealed nothing of how much they actually knew. Washington and Riley both knew, their greateast hope of defeating a B.I.T.C.H and freeing the trapped Americans was....Edward Cullen. A immortal vampire who lived in Seattle. His immortallity allowed him to fight in every war from the revolution to the war in Iraq. Cullen was dimissed from the military after he was caughting giving head to a soldier called Jacob. But now the military had no choice but to ask him for help.
Edward was pounding a man up the buthole when he received the call. He finished and then replied with a single word "Yes!" to general's request for help. He went home to his wife Bella, who doesnt know he likes men and told her of the situation.
She begged him not to go but he told her "You are my wife, i was able to get the biggest bitch of all, the russian B.I.T.C.H is no match for me!" Bella tearfully agreed. A F-35 Super Thunder Lighting jet inserted him in Russia. One the radio the general told him his codename would be F.A.G (Fast Agile Gay)
He looked up at the sky...he knew the time for gloryholes had passed, it was now time to redeem himself and acheive glory! He picked up a rifle and marched toward the Russian Base where BrownEye was being held.
Cullen said "I am coming for you BrownEye" His eyes glistend as the moonlight struck them, he is ready for battle...he is ready for anything.
F.A.G vs B.I.T.C.H, the greatest battle of all time. Find out who wins next time!