Notes

WARNING. Suicidal thoughts and a half-hearted attempt. If that kind of subject matter triggers you, you should stop right here and click the back button. This was written as a vent and should, in no way, be taken terribly seriously (as in, I am fine and emotionally/physically safe). Just a disclaimer, aha.

Today would've been a friend's 17th birthday, and I wanted some way to get some of my own feelings out of my system, so I wrote a... wishful thinking piece, so to speak. It was, thankfully, helpful. Normally, I wouldn't post this kind of vent, but I've been trying to get better about not being afraid of sharing my more personal work, and figured maybe someone out there would enjoy this. So if you do, I'm glad.

It was peaceful there - quiet, which was what Miyu was looking for. In Den City, there weren't many places you could go to get away from the hustle and bustle of the city. Even Stardust Road, known for its natural beauty, was a tourist trap nowadays; lined with street vendors and school kids walking wherever they pleased. It was hard being alone in Den City, and while usually she enjoyed people watching, it left a sour taste in her mouth today.

She'd never been to the cliffside before, her mother constantly warning her about overgrown poisonous plants in the area, and she was beginning to regret that it would be her last time seeing them. It was a beautiful respite away from the chaos on her side of Den City - in all of Den City, really. Despite it not being terribly windy that day, there was still a nice breeze that would pass by, moving Miyu's hair every which way.

Before coming here, she had decided she'd do this quickly, not wanting to dwell and change her mind. It was something she'd thought about for long enough, anyways; there was no more room for deliberation.

Now that Miyu was there, however, she figured it wouldn't hurt to stand and watch the world go by for a while. It wasn't like she'd ever get the chance again, anyways.

She was so, so tired.

"What are you doing?"

Miyu flinched, hair whipping her in the face as she turned around to see Yusaku staring at her, eyes narrowed. "I," she started, mouth agape. If there was anything she was expecting, it certainly wasn't to see Yusaku behind her, staring at her as if she were about to do something stupid.

Which, in all fairness, she was.

"What are you doing?" He asked again, inching closer to her slowly, almost as if she were a wounded animal. His voice, though - Miyu could hear everything. He had never been good at hiding things from her. He was panicked.

"I'm just," she paused to sigh, looking away from him. "I'm just standing. Thinking." It wasn't entirely a lie; it just wasn't the whole truth.

Her friend's tense body didn't relax at her words. "At the edge of a cliff? Without telling anyone?"

That was...also true. "How did you find me, then?" Miyu asked, though she knew it was a pointless question. He'd likely had her phone tracked since the moment he'd accepted her as someone important to him. She didn't even know why she'd brought the thing - autopilot, probably.

"Beside the point," Yusaku countered. She hadn't even realized how close he'd gotten. Instinctively, she stiffened, scuffing her feet backwards closer to the cliff's edge. Behind her, she could hear a few pieces of gravel fall off the side, tumbling down into the nothingness. He froze, but kept speaking. "Miyu. What are you doing here?"

She didn't want to answer that. They both knew exactly what she had been there for - Yusaku was too smart not to, with how he was acting. She should've realized Yusaku would come searching for her the moment she didn't show up to school. She should've known better. Turning back around, she looked at how close her feet were the edge. She didn't want to look at him anymore.

"I told you," she said after a few minutes, still refusing to turn back around and look at him. If she looked at him, Miyu knew, it was all over for her. Any resolve she had would crumble. "I'm thinking."

"Okay," Yusaku breathed, sounding so much unlike himself. His usual monotone voice was scarce of anything people could normally pick up on, but Miyu had long since learned all of his tells. "Fine. What are you thinking about?"

That sounded more like him - cool and collected. The calmness was gone, though, his tone clipped and awkward. Yusaku really was panicking, and she nearly swore at the realization. This was not at all how this was supposed to go.

"I'm thinking about the incident," Miyu told him honestly, eyes searching the ground far, far below her for anything to lock on to. Too many trees, too much dirt and sand and gravel. "I'm thinking about my mom, and Aoi, and my coma. I'm thinking about how tired I am." I'm thinking about how I wish my body were already down there, she didn't add. I'm thinking about how nice it would be to go to sleep again for a long, long time.

It felt like forever since she'd truly been awake. Every day, she tried her hardest; tried to use the pains she'd been through for good, to make something of the life she hadn't expected to get, after the incident. But it was hard. Draining. Each day, Miyu felt her smiles slip farther and farther off her face, until she could no longer wear them properly.

Jin had it lucky. He'd forgotten everything in the wake of Lightning's death, never having to live through the horrors in his mind again. At first, Miyu had wondered if that was more of a curse then a blessing - those horrors were what allowed her to be more thoughtful, more open minded.

Now, though, she wished for the same release.

"I'm tired, too," Yusaku agreed, and she could hear him inching closer to her again. "Let's go home and get some sleep."

Home. She knew he meant his crappy old apartment, where she often stayed nowadays. Everywhere else was… too much, in a lot of ways, but Yusaku's home was quiet. Devoid of the overbearing presence of her mother, or Aoi's older brother. She loved it there, though they never mentioned their odd arrangement to their other friends. It almost felt wrong to.

"I don't want to." She wasn't sure if she wanted to do this anymore, either, but it certainly seemed like a better alternative than to try and keep going. She'd been trying for over ten years. That was a long time, and she was tired.

Agreeing to go home with him was agreeing to give up on this, and she couldn't accept that. For weeks, now, the thought had been on her mind. She'd brought blades to her wrist to try and quell the thoughts, but they were persistent, the verdict was clear: Miyu wanted to die, and be done with it.

"Miyu." Her heart lurched at the way Yusaku said her name. She didn't think she'd ever heard him so desperate before. "Please. Please."

She shook her head, eyes still at the edge of the cliff, but she didn't take another step. She knew Yusaku hadn't, either. "No," she told him, forceful as she could make her voice without breaking. "I'm tired, Yusaku."

Neither of them said anything for a few long, agonizing moments. It was a perfectly average spring day; which meant still no wind to break the silence moving between them. The only reason Miyu knew he was even still there was the sound of his breathing - ragged, panicked. Completely and totally out of character.

Scrunching her eyes shut, she still refused to turn around. Weeks. It had taken her weeks to work up the courage, to plan everything out so that she could finally just be done. Looking at Yusaku, scared - scared for her - would ruin her resolve in seconds.

It wasn't fair.

"I'm sorry." That nearly made her turn around. His voice was barely louder than the sound of her own breathing. "I know. I think we all know."

He was, of course, referring to the other victims. And yes, they did know. How could they not? They had all been through the same personal hell as she had, and had come out alive to tell the tale, Jin and Windy's dead child notwithstanding.

"I don't care!" Miyu snapped, surprising herself. Once she did, though, she found the words wouldn't stop. "I don't care if you or Aoi or anyone else can understand, I just want to be done. I'm tired and exhausted all the time and all I can think about is how nice it must've been while I was in that coma, away from everyone and everything without being able to wake up." Breathing heavily, she finally did turn around, narrowed eyes finding Yusaku's shocked green ones with ease.

"I just want to be done, Yusaku," she continued, tears pricking the corners of her eyes. "Is that too much to ask? It's hard to keep going. It's hard to be perfect, and to help everyone all the time while keeping a smile on my face even though I want to cry. It's hard not being able to sleep right and have to go to school every day and- and -"

She cut herself off, bursting into tears at the edge of the cliff, moving in towards Yusaku just a little bit.

With all the awkwardness in the world, Yusaku shuffled closer to her, reaching out to pat her shoulder. Unable to take it anymore, Miyu moved into him fully, letting his arms coil around her body in a rare hug. In turn, she wrapped herself around him, pushing her tear-stained face into his shoulder as she continued to cry.

He didn't offer any words of condolences; any comforting nonsense at all. Instead, Yusaku just let her cry and cry into his shoulder, holding her tightly as if she was going to disappear if he let go. He'd never been the most physical person, even when they shared the same bed at his house, but even so it was the most comfort Miyu had felt in ages.

When she was finally finished, she pushed herself back a little, letting her arms drop stiffly to her sides. Much to her surprise, though, Yusaku kept his arms floating around her shoulders - probably in case she tried to take off, she realized after a beat.

"I need help," she said with a light sniffle, feeling terribly pathetic. "I think I need help, Yusaku."

Any judgement he might've had was unknown to her, as his face stayed impossibly passive. "That's fine," he told her, still not dropping his arms. "We can do that."

His voice sounded much more like his usual, and Miyu was glad for it. Hearing him so desperate and panicked had been hard on her heart; harder than she had expected. Taking one last glance at the Cliffside, she sighed.

"Okay," she nodded, allowing him to lead her back down the mountain. "Okay."

When they got back to Yusaku's apartment, despite it being the middle of the afternoon, he ushered her into her pajamas and straight into his old worn out mattress.

The first few times she had spent the night, she hadn't been comfortable sharing a bed with him - not that she didn't want to, having another person or animal sleeping next to her had always eased her nightmares, but she hadn't wanted to push it. Yusaku was the only person who knew about her dislike of being watched over, and the fact that he was willing to let her invade his space so constantly was kind enough already.

Over time, though, it just gradually happened. Either they would both fall asleep on the couch, or he would just drag her over to the bed after she passed out on the floor. Now it was practically second nature, and she couldn't imagine staying there without staying in that bed, old and creaky as it was.

Sleep found her much more easily then she would've expected, even with Yusaku there. Miyu had never been good at taking naps, especially during the day, a constant stream of paranoia that she'd wake up hyperventilating or screaming incoherently generally kept her eyes pried open even in her most tired of times. But with Yusaku, she was comfortable. Especially after all that had just transpired, any and all leftover awkwardness had dissipated; likely permanently.

Before Miyu fell asleep, she felt Yusaku crawl under the blankets she had brought over weeks ago, his steady breathing a nice reminder that she was still there. Still alive.

It hurt. Undeniably, the idea that she would have to keep going after this hurt. She had meant what she told him, however: she needed help. If she couldn't stop living, she needed to stop living like this.

But for now, sleep overtook her, and she allowed the constant rhythm of Yusaku's breathing lull her into a dreamless sleep.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Miyu blinked blearily as she woke up, her eyes slowly focusing in on Yusaku's face. Quickly glancing at the alarm clock and realizing it wasn't even time for dinner yet, she sighed. "Not really," she told him, trying to keep her exhaustion out of her tone.

Even if she had been as awake as Yusaku always was the moment he opened his eyes, she still wouldn't have wanted to talk about it. The dreamless sleep had been nice - something she'd sorely needed - but it wasn't enough to make her forget about what had happened at the cliff. What she had gone there to do.

Without thinking too much about it, she leaned into Yusaku's shoulder, wishing once again that the whole world could just stop for a little while.

"Are you hungry?" He asked, voice softer than usual. Miyu realized then how much she really had frightened her friend - normally, he would tense up at any physical contact, but he seemed to be leaning into her touch; almost as if he was scared it would disappear. "I've got bento box coupons."

Miyu shrugged, not feeling hungry but at the same time acutely aware that she hadn't eaten since the night before. "Okay," she agreed after a minute, "but I don't want to get up yet."

"Okay," Yusaku quickly agreed, pushing the side of his face into the top of her head. "Okay. You don't have to do anything."

Despite not really wanting to, she thought about going home, once she was ready to get out of bed. She was horribly exhausted, and honestly, even though she had told Yusaku she wouldn't…

"Maybe I should go home," Miyu said, eyes closed as she spoke. Almost instantly, however, Yusaku was pushing her into him even more, as if trying to keep her there himself.

"Don't." Miyu had never heard Yusaku beg - though, Ryoken once said he'd heard him do so twice: once for him, and once for Ai - and though it wasn't as emotional as the average person, it tore at her heart. "Don't go. Don't go anywhere."

His arms wrapped around her tightly, and Miyu squeaked at the sudden contact. As if on instinct, she pressed her face into his neck, tear starting to prick the corners of her eyes. The roof of her mouth burned as she refused to let them fall.

Could she really go, when Yusaku was holding onto her for dear life like this? Yusaku, who she had spent the last… however long, trying to get comfortable with her casual touches and hugs? Yusaku, who let her stay at his house when things got to be too much and followed her all the way out to the cliffs?

Miyu let out her tears just thinking about it. No matter how horrible she felt, no matter how useless and stuck she was at the moment, she couldn't do that to Yusaku. She couldn't do that to him, after everything else he'd been through. He'd lost Ai. He'd lost his childhood, and so many years of his life. It wasn't fair to him.

She could figure it out, she decided. She could figure out what kind of help she needed, how to keep going no matter how much it hurt. If Yusaku could do it, for all these years, she would, too.

"I'm sorry," she cried into him, voice muffled and breath surely tickling his skin. "I won't go. I promise. I promise."

He let her cry until she had nothing else left in her.

Despite Yusaku telling her they didn't have to, Miyu insisted they go to school the next morning. He was wary, reasonably so, but Miyu was on a mission. Maybe she wouldn't stay for the whole day - maybe she wouldn't even go inside the school building - but she needed to do something. To see someone.

She and Yusaku waited patiently outside Den City high, watching as hordes of their classmates passed them by in a blur. There were so many people, Miyu realized, that she didn't know at all. That she didn't recognize. Now that she was thinking about it, it was almost crazy; she had been going to school with them all for a while now, and yet there were still so many faces she hadn't seen before.

It was getting closer to the first bell by the time she saw who she had wanted to.

"Aoi!" She called out, rushing to her oldest friend.

Aoi stumbled as Miyu's weight was suddenly on her, crushing her into a hug. She didn't push back or pull away; only snaked her arms around the other girl's waist. "Miyu," she huffed, with a smile on her face, "what's up?"

It took her a moment to pull back, but when she did, she gave her a smile - a genuine one. "I just wanted to see you." I just wanted to remind myself that I have so much to live for. That I have you, and Yusaku, and everyone else. That I'm not alone.

"It's always good to see you," Aoi said, smiling back at her friend. "I'm so glad you're here, Miyu."

It wasn't an uncommon thing for her to say - they had spent so long apart, after all, and with everything that had happened with the Ignis war and her coma, it was understandable. Today, though, it was exactly what Miyu needed to hear. Even if she hadn't realized it.

Maybe she couldn't share the sentiment at the moment, but she could learn. She could learn to be happy again. "I'm glad you're here, too," she said, sniffling a little. "I'm really glad."

She could do this.